You know we all want to change the world. Aptly written by John Lennon. I want a revolution, for sure. This week, I’ve been thinking and talking about what it means to speak up alot as I finish the bootcamp. Seems self explanatory, doesn’t it?
Most people, maybe you, envision someone getting a gleam in their eye, straightening their back and taking in a breath to give someone else a good piece of their mind with a righteous tone. Possibly yelling. A real table thumper. That’s their view of being assertive.
Speaking up is not about bullying
And, I can’t say I blame you if that’s your view, too. That’s the message we get as children that re-enforced on just about every cop and doctor show. Might makes right. The show, House, comes to mind. Could there be a more confusing message: Treat some people like shit in the name of saving other people and becoming a hero. Ehhhh, no.
I saw plenty of that kind of sanctimonious, ego-driven crap when I was a prosecuting doctors for misconduct. First, it totally enraged me to see men (yes, mainly men) behaving so badly. Slowly I realized it wasn’t a man thing. It was a doctor thing. Doctors get brainwashed. And, not in the good, peer pressure kinda of way.
More like in the ‘mega-mind, world domination’ kinda way. Their medical training is brutal. It required that they close down a portion of their humanity, stomp indecision to death and be supremely confident (or act like it anyway).
Lawyers are the same. I vividly recall my contracts prof telling me she was gonna strip us down and twist our minds to a new way of thinking. I used to joke that I was a ‘recovering’ lawyer and in some ways that’s true.
So, to be clear. Speaking up is not about bullying, marginalizing or threatening anyone. Rants work; I’m not gonna lie. Buttheads do get their way. But you’re better than that and so am I.
Speaking up is about
saying what’s true….
- for you
- in the moment
- to others kindly
- and to yourself!
Speaking up doesn’t have to be loud to be powerful. In fact, a whisper at the right moment catches everyone’s attention. (Remind me to tell you the one about the frat boys I lived with)
I love how my VA Melissa speaks up to me. She’s clear & friendly and without apology lets me know when I’ve crossed a line for her.
Our working relationship could’ve been doomed by my ‘last minute ideas’. But she spoke up. Now, I know that she likes her weekends free and wants more big picture so she can plan her work and mine. She’s never yells or is nasty to me and I get the message.
Why Speaking up works
Speaking up, saying your truth, works because you and your client have the same goals. To do great work together. That’s why they picked you. You promised that.
That means it’s your job as the self-employed person to lead and set kind boundaries for your clients. It’s also your job to embrace your clients. You can speak up about that in a patient, compassionate way.
Melissa and I both understand that to get the very best product (and she’s fab, let me tell you) there have to be kind boundaries set on both sides- client and trusted adviser.
What does speaking up mean to you?
Yes I have thick legs with thick ankles, my Dad's! Tights the same color as the dress or bone shoes with bare legs. Not a straight skirt and never patterned stockings or leggings!
Two issues (I hope). I must must take umbrage with the phrase "be ashamed until....." BE ASHAMED??? of what, when, where?? Never. It is impossible to be a child of God -- whole and perfect and be ashamed. When has shame ever 
I have been speaking up for many, many years to make a difference in the world. One of my passions is to get the message out there regarding verbal abuse…which usually precedes physical violence.
1 in 3 women on the planet are living in silence, fear and shame behind closed doors because of abuse…that is over 52 million women in the U.S. alone.
I have been working like a Trojan for 15 years to get the message out by contacting the media…
I wrote about my life and won a scholarship and am a Freshman in college at age 65.
I wrote a paper, Society’s Hidden Pandemic; Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault and am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group……..
As for speaking up, injustice pushes all of my buttons and I cannot remain silent (“When good men do nothing evil prevails”)…Elie Wiesel
As for speaking up….8 years ago on my birthday, September 29th, I stood up in front of my whole congregation and spoke….they……put my name up on a big screen, followed by the words, “Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God”–three times……..called to a meeting of deacons 16 “men”), not allowed to have a woman with me, and asked, “Are you still having sex with your x?” No boundaries.
I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse and then let the X live in my house awhile after the divorce, hence the voting out of membership thing. This is a wound which will never heal.
I “wrote” my soul feelings in my book, Sanctuary of the Soul (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration) and my endorsements humble me: Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Drs. Alice Miller, Larry Dossey, Oriah (4 in all)
I have also written my memoir: GHost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who peaks up against injustice..,
I shall never be silent. I speak my truth calmly and don’t allow others’ opinions of me define my reality.
That is what speaking up means to me. Love what you wrote, Dina!!
When we speak up we act on our values. Speaking up is setting limits. Being calm and direct works most of the time, but there are times when we all need to put on our hats and climb on our brooms. The trick is knowing when that is.