| What is the hardest part about getting a divorce? |
If you have been married a long time and your ability to make a living is at the poverty level, is it still worth having the freedom? What are the things you have struggled with the most since becoming single?
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Hi again. I have to laugh. My friend Gina Mcnew just wrote a blog post about the myriad of skincare and beauty products women use compared to men. And how it gets crazy as we get older. I laughed my butt off! I thought you ladies would enjothank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he'sI used Noxzema from the time I was old enough to wash my own face, all through school and into adulthood. Then I decided it wasn't 'sophisticated' enough and went with higher priced, higher end products. About 5 years ago, I went back to 
I was married 29 years…..I would not say I am at the poverty level, I am not rich, and all of my settlement money went to supporting, raising and educating our three children, as he emancipated all of them when they graduated from HS…(like they would stop eating, etc after they turned 18?!!)….
I would say, 10 years after the fact, that the hardest thing to deal with was 1) Realizing that he really didn’t care about my well being or the kids well being after all the years we were married, truly I would have never thought his heart would be that hardened toward us. 2) Fear of being alone for the rest of my life…I am with someone now, but it took 5 years to get there because I did not want my fear of being alone to override my judgement of men. 3) Trust….it is still an issue, but not as much, because the first relationship I had post-divorce was with a man who led me along, gained my trust and then crushed me.
All that being said….I am happier (read that less stressed) without my first husband. He was no longer the man I married, and had not been for some time….he turned into a selfish, mean, angry person who took it all out on me, and blamed me somehow for all his inadequacies. He is remarried, poor girl….I am now with someone who lives his life with integrity, honesty and kindness…what a relief and pleasure….and I tell him that all the time…..peace of mind is a wonderful thing!
Thank you for your response. Throughout my almost 37 years of marriage there have been ‘moments’ where I wanted to leave. But now, It’s more than just a moment. My husband has been unemployed for over a year now. He is only now taking it somewhat seriously. All of our savings, equity (at one time over $500K) and good credit are gone. My inheritance is gone. I chose to share it because I just ‘knew’ we’d always be together. His pride seems to be more important than getting out there and doing whatever it takes. He still sees himself as an executive. Problem is, he has no college degree and now he is almost 60.
He has never been a warm, fuzzy type of person. His father never said the words “I love you” to his mother so when he said them to me I thought he’d be different. He loves our children but has no clue how to show it without writing a check. His normal tone of voice is rude. All my life people have looked at us and wondered. Some have asked me why I would pick a man like that. I’ve made excuses for him all my life. It’s getting very, very old. He’s not all bad and his good qualities have kept me in the marriage. But now I realize that even though I love him, I am not IN love with him. We have become roommates who share a history, both good and bad.
I don’t really care if I spend the rest of my life without a man being center stage. I am happy being with just me and my dog. I have a huge circle of girlfriends. They are what keeps me going. Our grown (?) children would probably applaud me if I were to leave. But they have always needed some sort of financial support and I would not be able to provide that. Our daughter has Asperger’s and our son is Bipolar. That doesn’t mean that they can’t get a job but it does mean that they have trouble keeping it.
I also have my 83 year old mother living with us. She can’t stand him and thinks she’s doing a good job of keeping it a secret. NOT. Unless and Until I leave him, her jabs only make my life more difficult. She’d rather live alone but it’s no longer an option. He got carried away with credit cards years ago (without my knowledge since he pays the bills) and we had to sell my mother’s home, that was in my name, to pay off our debt. She naturally resents that.
I’ve been living in denial most of my married life. I’d give almost anything to do it over again. So now I’m wondering, at age 57, do I just keep on going because it’s too late to start over? Or do I end it now and try to manage on my own.
I have a lot of talents and I’ve worked in a variety of industries. I’m a Jack of All Trades and a Master of None. My passion is to help people in need. I am a Certified Grief Specialist and a Certified Nursing Assistant. Unfortunately, those jobs pay very little.
What I need to figure out is am I able to put a roof over my head? Is the process of divorce and all the effort it takes better than just sucking it up and living in denial? If I leave him will it appear that I’m kicking him while he is down? He doesn’t abuse me. I don’t consider his rudeness abuse because it rarely affects me. He’s just a grump. He has loved me unconditionally for over 40 years no matter my weight and all through menopause. He demands almost nothing from me. If we had his income back, I could go on about my life and pretend forever. I’m very good at it and can easily allow myself to think that life is good. My friends keep me feeling balanced. Thank God for them!
Sorry I have gone on and on. This is the first time I’ve ever said ‘out loud’ what I’m thinking inside. Your response has been very much appreciated. I’m glad that you have finally found happiness and peace of mind.
I started posting and lost it, so I’ll try again….you are in a difficult situation for sure, with a lot of pull on you financially and emotionally from just about every area in your life…..it sounds like it is too good to leave and not good enough to stay, a very difficult place to be in….I truly would recommend seeing a personal therapist, either with your husband or alone….just to continue to sort things through before you make any kind of decision….if you do not have insurance, perhaps there are some churches that will have pastoral counseling for free….then be brutally honest about your financial income vs. expenditures to see if you can make it, especially in these tight economic times.
In response to the process of divorce….I facilitate a divorce recovery group and have been doing it for about 7 years, and probably have walked 200 people through the process….it is so hard, and wrecks everyone to some degree, including the ripple effect on kids, friends and family….I would however seek out this group I facilitate…I’m sure there is one or more in your area, it is called DivorceCare and can be found by going to http://www.churchinitiative.org and clicking on the DivorceCare link. It may be a place where you can find a sounding board and there is minimal or no cost….but walks you through some of the issues of separation and divorce….even though you are not separated, it may help some to clarify your position, your anger, where you need to focus on forgiveness, as well as hearing first hand what some folks are going through….clarity is always good…
it depends… for me at this stage of my life will be not to have a travel companion. I love to travel and will have to wait until one of my friends are ready to do so. I hate travelling for pleasure alone. For some women is the money and for others is the loss of friends as some “friends” opt to be his and not yours. Freedom is a big word. You will be free from this man, but broke and not free of debt. Are u getting a divorce because you want it or is he the one? What is terrible about this marriage? There are a lot of unanswered questions. At this stage of my life, i do not ask for much, just peace of mind.
I’m not sure about divorce. I’m still working on the separation after being together for 33 years. I’m finding the hardest part is dealing with the division of property. He wanted to stay together due to finances and he appears angry that his retirement will probably be delayed. Although things will be tight, I’m not very worried about money. I am fine with working later in life so that I can be free of this situation where dollars are more important than me or us. However, I refuse to re-act to his temper tantrums, name-calling or pouting in his bids to get me to accept a less than equitable settlment. That said, I can’t wait for this piece of business to be over.
While people may provide advice and share experiences, I think you’ll know when and if you need to make the move. I think it took me 31 years to make my decision. All things considered, I think now is the ideal time for me. Good luck with your decision.
Salt & Pepper,
Thanks for your response. The day I started this post, I was absolutely FURIOUS with my husband. He just seems like he’s not working hard enough at looking for a job.
I’ve spent that last 20 years hiding inside my Scarlett O’Hara persona, “I’ll worry about that tomorrow”. My ability to live in La-La Land is at an expert level. I made the decision, a long time ago, that I would just not get upset over anything short of death or catastrophic conditions. For the most part, it has served me well. But every once in a while I peek outside of La-La Land and my head starts telling me to RUN!
A very dear friend of mine sat me down recently and told me not to make any Knee-Jerk decisions. She has suggested that I start to set real boundaries with my whole family; that I mirror their behavior back to them so that I will no longer be manipulated by them. I have started to do that and the very first day was quite shocking to them. It’s way out of my comfort zone but not so much that I will revert back to my old enabling self.
It just may be the thing that saves me. My marriage is neither great nor horrible. The only thing I suffer from is financial instability and living with a Grump. Getting a divorce wouldn’t change the financial situation but it would make it more tolerable in that I wouldn’t have to watch someone go through life thinking he’s the big, smart, high level executive of years gone by. But is that reason enough to leave? His being a Grump is barely an issue. It’s just who he is and I no longer react.
I have managed to surround myself with a plethora of intelligent women who I can honestly call my dear friends. We get together as a group or one on one and we support each other in ways that make even the best marriage look substandard. For that I am very grateful.
At this point I’m thinking that creating my own world within this marriage is my best bet. Since I really don’t need a man to validate me, why not? If we end up renting for the rest of our lives, who cares? I’ve had the 6,000 sq. ft home in the country club with an indoor swimming pool. Been there, done that, paid the taxes.
I need to make my life more simple. I need to quit worrying about everyone in our family and let them fix their own damn problems!
I working on it. Seriously. Thanks for listening.
Good fo you! It’s great that you are surrounded by such good friends. You seem to be on the right track for you and have come to the conclusion of something that took me quite a few years to grasp a hold of, YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF. Your attitude seems to be going in the right direction. You have the power! Wish you the best for your life.
anir
why now? are you affraid of leaving your husband, then do not do it because our thoughts become our reality.
to leave alone in our golden years, to see your husband giving the other women the things you did not receive, to see your children suffer watching their father in another house, is very very hard, my children suffering.