My third daughter is about to get married. I went through a painful six year divorce because my husband refused to divorce me and split our assets. Finally after great expense and anguish, he agreed to a divorce but he kept about two-thirds of the assets. I agreed to split college and medical school costs. When two of the girls got married, I split those expense, but spent on many extras and I could not fight with him to put in more. Meanwhile, I have absorbed many other expenses — helping when husbands were out of work, when my daughters needed to move, etc. He says he will help and usually makes a small show of generosity. He has two homes and is talking about buying a third; he has a live-in nurse-companion, etc. When he started telling my daughter how much I would contribute to the wedding, I had it. Since i would end up with a bigger bill anyway, I said — I will pay his share and mine. He is a guest and not making the affair. I told her he does not go on the invites. She just had a proof made and there his name appears. Am I right to demand that his name be removed from the invitations?
| Paying for the Wedding | Hot Conversation |
August 09, 2011
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Well, I had a similar issue in that my ex did not want my name on the invites because he was paying for everything….I did not have money because over the years I bought cars for her, down payment on a house, rent, security deposits, car insurance, college tuition and on and on….but in the end, I am her mother, and that name does not only represent who is paying, but who loved, raised and supported through all the years…
In the end they just said ______and _______, together with their parents, invite you, etc. etc…….A good compromise.
When it comes to weddings, my advice….take the high road and don’t make any more stress than you have to….even if you are right, who wins? Your issues with your ex are your issues…don’t let them taint the wedding for your daughter.
RMBORK, its your daughter’s wedding not yours.
Stop making it all about you.
Well, as I understand it RMBORK is paying for the whole wedding. I think that was not an offer that I would have made. He should definitely pay half. However, if she is paying for it all, it certainly is about her. Her feeling and her pocketbook are involved.
If the husband wants his name on the invite, ask him to pay his fair share, otherwise leave him off. If her daughter wants him on the invitation, tell her that as soon as he agrees to pay half, he can have his name on the invite.
Absolutely, the day of the wedding is all about the bridge and groom, However, that special day is being paid for by the mother and not by the father. He loses the right to object to the invitation wording when if he chooses to opt out of paying his share of the bill. The daughter should either get him to pay up or respect her mothers wishes.
And what will ultimately be gained by that stand….nothing but stress and hurt feelings instead of sweet wedding memories….
Thanks for the advice. I asked that they their names as hosts and add “with their parents.” I thought about it and that seemed a good way to go. They have yet to tell me if that is acceptable.
And, yes, it is not about me. But a wedding is not just about the bride — it is about the coming together of families.
It’s a good compromise, I hope they go for it….no one offended, no one hurt…..not “by the book” ettiquette wise, but such is life these days…but if they don’t agree, I still think you should let them choose how they want the names….I ultimately just told my daughter I would abide by her decision, as she has always made good, considered choices….and that she needed to do whatever it was that would make the least stress for her, heavens knows there is enough going on pre-wedding already.
Sunblossom
What about the sweet wedding memories of the mother of the bride, the one that is making this all happen. The bride is a grown up and hopefully would be mature enough to know the solution her happy wedding would be the father acting like a grown up also.
Why does he not want to pull his weight,? If he can’t afford it I would be certainly understand. However, if he just doesn’t want to pay his share, he is the one spoiling the day. I would think the daughter would understand that.
I know we will disagree about this and that is OK, it is just that it always bothers me when one parent refuses to act like an adult and the other one always has to be the better person just to keep the peace.
RMBORK, I hope you have a wonderful wedding however you decide to handle it.
Taking the high road, being the better person, even if one is paying all the bills beats alienating and/or stressing out the bride….in the greater scheme of the universe whoever is on or off the invitation is small indeed….perhaps as I was unable to pay because I had done all the supporting, this dad can’t either….if I read the original post right, he was going to pay some of it and the poster said she would take care of it…doesn’t sound like he refused. Either way all the invites end up in the wastebasket and probably very few at the wedding pay attention….plus the guests who are in the know are in the know….they will already be aware of who is or isn’t doing what….
RMBORK I think you’ve come up with a good solution. Even if your daughter refuses, you’ve already committed yourself to paying for the wedding and making any more waves would only alienate her. Just take a deep breath and put a gag on (I’ve done that more than once with my kids
)).
What does the bride-to-be say? It is still her dad even though he’s not carrying his full financial share. And in the long run, nobody receiving an invitation will remember or care whose name is on the invitation. It may not be fair or right to you, but the invite is not a show of who has bragging rights to the wedding. You know how your ex is, you can’t change him and will just add stress to the bride and an ugly cloud over the day by insisting he not be on the invite.
Thanks for your comments. As it turned out, my compromise offer came from a website “The Knot” that said that having the bride and groom as the hosts of the wedding “with the parents” tagline is an acceptable solution. Actually, it was the groom who did not like it much, but he and his family accepted it. His family is making a contribution to the affair, as are the groom and bride themselves. However, I am putting in the lion’s share. My ex-husband has the funds, and in fact gambles away far more than the cost of the wedding every year. He was just using this wedding expense to make this into a tussle — where he calls the shots and I am called in afterward to make the thing actually work. So I just took this bull by the horns early on. It would probably be the same result in the end. But this way everyone knows the score going in. By the way, in any social context, I act as if my ex and I are amicable — like old friends. I compare it to Russia and the US during detente. LIke those two giant rivals, we also have to live in the same universe and make the best of it!
Good for you! I’m glad you could make it work!
RMBORK,
Obviously, this is not your first ‘rodeo’. :>) Taking the high road always pays off…..Congratulations to your daughter and her future husband.