My first post on this site was “Paralyzed by Fear.” I received many thoughtful responses and suggestions and have sort of sat back, digested, done a whole lot of thinking, and a whole lot of reading here, and elsewhere.
In a nutshell – I have been married 20 years; unhappy for 15; miserable for the last 6 or 7. I’ve got 2 teenage daughters and have spent most of the past 12 years as a stay-at-home-mom.
I went back to school 6 years ago, got my degree in 2011, and found a part-time job in my chosen field (about a year ago). But…working part-time without benefits wasn’t moving me towards self-sufficiency. So, shortly after my first post here, I decided I should look for a full-time job with benefits.
Well…I managed to land a good job at a law firm. It’s challenging and a bit daunting, but I will be okay once I settle in. It’s a nice group of people, a mid-sized firm and most of the attorneys and support staff are middle aged (like me!). It’s a good fit and I am so excited.
I woke up this morning, and although I no longer feel paralyzed by fear, the first thought that popped into my head was “What the heck am I going to do? I am moving forward but I am scared!” (I am planning, etc., and hope to file for divorce in the Spring.)
I’m excited. But I’m scared. I’ll soon be 53, and have no family except for my daughters. I will be leaving without any assets, savings, etc. What if I lose my job as a result of the shaky economy?
I guess I’m making progress. From completely paralyzed to just scared…from part-timer to full-time with benefits…I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where my journey takes me.
It’s a leap of faith, I guess. But before I leap, I’ve got to conquer my fear. Is fear healthy or unhealthy? I dunno.
I like: Don't look back....you are not going that way.
Of all the topics for "worry"... the vagina??? When does the "vagina inspector" come around. I am 67 years and he has never been to visit. The boob inspector either. GET OVER IT unless one is willing to engage in plastic surgery this is a n
Fear is unhealthy if it keeps you from doing the necessary. Fear is healthy when it prevents you from doing dangerous things.
My fear kept me in an abusive 31 year “marriage.” Finally, one sentence moved me forward past my fear: “Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself…..win.”
How will you be leaving “without any assets/’ There are laws regarding divorce, etc…..and I assume you have consulted with an attorney?
There is a saying/book: Feel the fear and do it anyway. Of course we need to evaluate any situation. Getting into counseling would be a good idea.
Hi Alicia! Thank you for your thoughts on fear. I have allowed my fear to keep me stuck in my marriage for about 15 years too long. I am in search of a good therapist as the counselor I have been seeing the past year or so has taken a job at a psych facility and isn’t seeing “private” patients any longer.
Regarding the assets thing. Long story. Throughout my 20 years of marriage, my husband has held 13 jobs, often is laid off, or switches due to dissatisfaction. Very frustrating. He’s been laid off 3 times in the past 10 years and we’ve lost everything. Our house, everything. It has been stressful and put the nail in the coffin for me. As I said, long story and a major source of strife in our marriage. In fact, when I got my full-time job several weeks ago, one of the first things that came out of his mouth was that now he could “find another job and get out of the dump he works in.” He has a pretty decent job and it’s not a dump. He is perpetually unhappy and dissatisfied. I am over it. I have consulted with an attorney and would probably be able to get some maintenance, perhaps what they call “rehabilitative” while I get on my feet career-wise, after 12 years at home with the kids. My husband will fight me every inch of the way. It’s ironic, I quit a good job 12 years ago, because my little ones were always sick and my husband could never take time off of his job to pitch in (was always job hopping, so had no paid time off). I had been at my job for almost 8 years, and had plenty of PTO time. The year that I quit, I had taken off 30 PTO days to take care of sick kids. I had a stressful job, a husband who did nothing at home, and I just couldn’t take it any more. It was a huge mistake to quit my job and lose my autonomy, but I had a blast raising my daughters.
I worked a bit late tonight, then took my 2 teenage daughters out for an ice cream cone (just like when they were little – sweet!). They are very upset by their Dad’s anger, unhappiness and general unpleasantness. They love him, but his moods are taking their toll on everyone. It was nice to go out with my almost grown-up daughters and to be happy in their company.
Anyhoo…I am moving forward. My girls sense it. I am determined, but fearful. I am wrapping my head around a new, demanding job. I think I can do this…one step at a time.