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Inheritance Hot Conversation

My Mother died last summer.  I was her main caregiver. Her will was written three years prior to her bad health.  She had given me some money for renos to increase the value of my home…long story short, I had aniticpated to stay in my house but her bad health forced me to sell and I sold at a loss and moved to the town she lived in (I also sold her house, downsized everything and helped her adjust to a retirement home)…I also had to retire early so I could be with her which made a huge impact on my pension…Mom was 83 and kept telling me she needed to change the will because she knew the circumstances changed in my life and the house that was supposed to supplement me with a good long time security had to sold in a bad time of the market…I was in denial of her impending death…then it happened…she died suddenly..I found the will and it was to be split in 3 with my two kids…my kids did very little for her…they end up with even more $$ than me because she also willed her RIFFs to them…so as this is now close to being distributed I wrote a heartfelt letter to my kids and asked them to think about giving me half of their share because that is what my Mom would have wanted under the circumstances…Mom always joked with me that I would be so financiallly secure…and modest as I was never questioned anything…she knew I sacrificed for her and she knew she had to do something but in the end her health would not allow us to go and do it as she had bowel problems and never left her home…so, yesterday I wrote the letter to my kids who are 26 and 20.  They will be getting over 60 thousand each if they give me 40 thousand each of their money…it all comes back to them eventually when I die, but right now it is good for me to now I have a nestegg.  I have not heard from either child as of yet,  Does anyone out there have any perspective on this for me?? I am not a greedy person, but I am the deserving person who has felt my Mom was negligent in changing her will.

Posted in family & relationships, work & money.

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27 Responses

  1. Generic Image Nana says

    well my one brother took care of my mother at the end of her life.  he lived with her.  and took care of her.  he also lived in the same village as her, all his life, and took care of the family business.   he had a mansion to live in and raise his own kids and his grandchildren there.  he still owns its.

    My mother left a will that said everything belonged to him.  the house, the substantial contents of the house, the business, the business office, the cottage, the farm with private lake, and a couple of other small investment properties.

    She wrote a personal thing in her own handwriting, very very close to the end of her life.  Essentially saying that the will is never to be contested, nor questioned, and that it was her wishes that nothing be removed from the house.

    We’ve ask our brother often for some little remembrance, some token, just one thing.  But NOPE!

    He also felt he was deserving because he took care of her.   We all happen to live hundreds of miles away.  And frequently went for the weekend to take care of her so he could have a break.

    And nobody has been invited HOME for several years now.   but he and his kids inherited the legacy of our fabulous family home, which we all used to enjoy, and enjoy bringing our children home to.  But not any more.

    You ask:  Does anyone out there have any perspective on this for me?   Here it is.

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    • Generic Image Iris58 says

      I am so so sorry..I can feel your pain….there is so little you can do since the will cannot be contested..greed has taken over here I believe and that  in the end when he feels he needs to connect with you it will be too late…I would wrtie him a letter that will tug at his conscience, not focusing on the material things, more family connection….as long as he knows you aren’t a threat to him….good luck, Iris

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      • Generic Image Nana says

        tug at his conscience?  are you kidding!   this is almost 11 years ago and he still won’t even give one of us our grandmother’s framed wedding certificate which hangs in the upper stairway and is very beautiful.

        and it isn’t even about the money.  he could have given any of us, our choice of what we wanted.  the house is 20 rooms of gorgeous thing/antiques/collections.  things we grew up with.  I once ask for 6 pieces of crystal which have sat in the liqueor cabinet ever since I can remember.   NOPE   He could have eased our emotional pain a long time ago, but never has.  And is adament that things HAVE to be exactly as our mother wrote.

        and indeed I said to someone just the other day.   It is too late. 

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    • Sunblossom Sunblossom says

      I guess I’m wondering why you want a token remembrance of someone who totally left you out of your inheritance…

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    • Generic Image SIZZELN says

      It would be nice for a little token, but he is who he is. Since he did all the caretakingfor your mother she felt he deserve all she had. That was a big burden to care for her as she was aging and sick. I understand you and sibling lived many miles away, but she never moved. He is deserving, unless you have done it on a regular basis, no idea. It’s his call….TRACK

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  2. Sunblossom Sunblossom says

    Well, it is what it is…..and you have to accept it….truly, if you are going to receive anything at all, you are in better shape than a lot of us…..I have $500 in savings…period…and no inheritance to look forward to….at the risk of sounding harsh…I think you should just be grateful for what you did receive…she did not have to give anyone anything….

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  3. Generic Image SIZZELN says

    You took too long getting things in order, for she said she wanted to change the will. Now that all is done, you know your children better then anyone. Them seeing that you want more security as you age might not move them. Your children living their own lives, may see this windfall to get themselves in better shape. I don’t see this in your favor….TRACK

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    • Generic Image Iris58 says

      yes, you are right….I was in denial and although I am usually on topof things, this time I was not because I didn’t want to look greedy etc. etc.  I have to bite the bullet on this one…move on..thanks for your honest advice…

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  4. Generic Image grace says

    well keep going ahead do not make questions you loose the more precious person in your life your mother, do not loose your kids, money is that only money but your mother did not want to give it to you because she manipulated peoplewith money and you let her do it, you worth more than an amount of money, pleas do not behave ;ike your mother, and try to look for a couple or friend to live with, I wish you the best, a big hug, you are a good women/

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  5. lightness lightness says

    You may have put your kids between a rock and a hard place. Even if your mother intended for you to inherit more money for your own security, it did not work out as planned. I do not know your circumstances…whether you can resume a career, or change careers, or if you have other sources of income, but maybe it is time to do a work & financial inventory. Talk to an advisor (not connected to a brokerage firm) and see how best to set up your remaining years in the most comfortable fashion. Your children may/may not honor your request. 60K is a nice windfall for someone that young and hopefully they will use it wisely. Perhaps they have dreams for more education or a new home. I think I would be happy for my kids, providing they wouldn’t squander the money.

    I know in our family (in-laws), some inheritances were placed in trust or by-passed offspring because of concerns about how certain individuals handle money. Money issues really can rip a family apart. Even petty jealousies over items can sever relationships. It sounds like you inherited 80K. Not bad! Some people end up taking care of their parents financially even beyond their living years. Try a little gratitude. You also got to spend time with her in last days. I hope I get to have some more quality time with my mother before she passes (and hopefully she’ll be around a long time, but she is 80). And, I plan to be there for her if/when she needs me.

    If we can just stay in the moment, we all have what we need. Though I have these big dreams, this is what is most important to me: family & friends, a comfortable place to live (does not mean expensive or big), plenty of books, a quality bed, healthy foods, a clean bathroom, beauty (trees, birds), places to walk. Anything more is really icing on the cake.

     

     

     

     

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    • Sunblossom Sunblossom says

      Lightness….your last sentence said it better than anything……

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    • Generic Image Iris58 says

      thank you…you are so right…

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      • Generic Image Iris58 says

        you are so right, but I am now afraid they won’t need my anymore because they have it all…how can I even give them a gift, a small token of my affection?  It will mean nothing to them….that is what makes me sad….before, I used to have the upper hand….I would be able to pitch in and they appreciated it, but now??? 

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      • Sunblossom Sunblossom says

        Well, perhaps now they can look past dollar signs and appreciate you solely for you…..hey, let them take you on a cruise or something….I think you are probably underestimating the substance of your relationship with your kids….perhaps they don’t need the money, but they will always need you in their lives…

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      • lightness lightness says

        It is never about the money or bigness of gifts for me. Your kids need your love, time, attention, emotional support, whether it comes in the form of an e-note, a card, phone call, lunch, family time, small gift out of thoughtfulness. The relationship is way more important than any financial support you can provide. Sounds like you need to give up control. Having “an upper hand” is not the way to be in relationship with adult children.

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      • Generic Image Iris58 says

        well said….and I appreciate your honesty..thanks you lighness!!

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  6. Deanie Deanie says

    Don’t let this come between you and your kids.  You need to move on.  My son died and left no will.  I had to split his estate with my ex-husband (his father).  My son was not fond of his father and rarely saw him or had anything to do with him.  It seemed so wrong, I know my son wouldn’t have wanted his father to have a cent of his estate.  Life goes on…..

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  7. watruw8ing4 watruw8ing4 says

    My brother and I turned insurance money over to my Mom when she discovered he had filled out the insurance forms wrong He was supposed to make us contingent beneficiaries, but made us all primary. We were in our early 20′s. So there is hope for you. If it doesn’t happen though, my opinion is to let it go and be thankful your kids have a nice cushion.

    Sad thing about wills is there is no requirement to select the most deserving recipient. And asking to see the will to verify is a sticky subject. But if we are depending on money, and it has been promised, a necessary one. Good lesson for us all.

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  8. Lynnette Lynnette says

    this is such a sore subject.  I personally believe that the person who takes care of the ill deserves the most of the inheritance.  My aunt has been taking care of her inlaws since she got married.  The father in law died about 4 years ago, the mother, in her 90′s is still “alive”.  She had to do everything for these two people, including bathing, feeding and “cleaning” them up after bowel movements.  At the end the father in law was completely incapacitated.  The father in law was a diabetic that did not take care of himself and at the end his health was so poor he even had amputations.  She and her husband also fixed the home, owned by the inlaws, paid the utilities and took care of all the emergencies a home has that need fixing.  Now the other siblings say that they want the home shared among all of them.  My aunt never went anywhere, they were all too busy to do one week of caring in order for her to have a week’s vacation.  She has had to bear this since she was in her 20′s and she is now in her late 60′s.  Granted the worse illnesses lasted about 10 years and it is still going with the mother in law.  I told my aunt, charge them for the upgrading of the house, and for taking care of the two inlaws 24/7.  I told her to go to the nearest “home” and get get a quote on their fees, and just figure it out.   Even when she deducts the “rent” she would of paid all these years, she will come out ahead.  Greed is an awful thing.  These people are willing to throw out my aunt and their brother in order to sell the house and get some money.  When there is money involved nobody cares, it is fight until the end.   I am so happy that i was an only child. 

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    • Generic Image Iris58 says

      thanks for your response…I am an only child with 2 children who may as well have been her children too….she gave them so much….I am starting to see a side to my son that really hurts me…this money has become a rock between us because it is all about greed now…and I am afraid my kids chose the money over how I am feeling…I wrote a heartfelt letter and explained how I was feeling and it shot back at me….I have been told by my son  not to contact them….

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      • Sunblossom Sunblossom says

        Well, it sounds like it is time to let all the dust settle from the repercussions of all this….if it were me, I think I would just back off for a while and then try a slow, gradual re-entry to repair the relationships….perhaps you can just get away for a few days just to get a better perspective.   

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      • Generic Image Elizabeth says

        this is a really hard one.  my parents’ lived close to me and my only sibling several states away.  in the past 25 years i was the only one to help them and of course my own family.  a few years ago they died within 5 weeks of each other.  my brother only came to visit when he wife said it was OK.  She, a nurse, said if they got sick she would come and stay with them or they could live with her and their son, my brother.  i took care of my parents thru going to 2 different hospitals to visit them every day, having them here, then an assisted living.  my father was doing so well but mom got worse and died.  he came back here but then wanted to go back to the ALS by himself, so sad.  i’d call my brother for help on decisions and his wife either wouldn’t let me talk to him or if i did get to he would tell me he’d have to ask his wife first.  of course they never came to help and told me i was making a big deal out of  our parents’ sicknesses and then deaths.  i got myself a elder law attorney which was the best thing.  then the week before dad died he asked my brother to come and see him so the 3 of us could talk.  he didn’t show up and dad asked me to call him, dad was deaf , and find out when he would be here.  i called and my sister in law said he wasn’t home, i told her to tell him to call me asap that dad was so disappointed he didn’t come and needed him to be here so the 3 of us could talk.  she never told him or she told him to ignore me because dad died the following thursday and i still hadn’t heard from them.  they never came for that either.  my sister in law was so mad because they only got 1/2 of the estate but since i had an elder law attorney i didn’t have to hear her then.  my brother was supposed to be here to hear from my dad about the rest of the money, which wasn’t a lot but he couldn’t even show up  for that and i am sure it’s because of his wife.  so now i have no relationship with my only sibling and i am sure it’s because of her as he had to always ask her first.  and  the time of all this my husband was going thrrough the emotional side of ALS and i couldn’t talk to him about anything because he couldn’t stop crying.   and of course my brother or his wife never asked me about my husband, only about when the reading of the will would be.  my sister in law was so ignorant and my brother listened to her, not me, attorney or our patents.   Iris58, did you run this by an elder law attorney?  ast least to make peasce within yourself knowing if legally something coud/should be done to change some part of it.   and i think that if there are other siblings they should be involved, not their wife that just wants the money, in everything from help taking care of them, help the other sibling make decisions with the elder law attorney and be there regularly.  these are their parents and all siblings should be involved no matter how far away or other responsibilities they have. i miss my brother but he’d rather listen to his wife.  he was married for the first time at 55 years old,  and she conived her way in, told him she’d move back to her country if he didn’t marry her, so she would have a social partner.   well i do miss my brother and sharing memories with him about our parents.  i miss them so much.

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      • Generic Image Iris58 says

        thanks for your response…no other siblings are involved…and yes I talked to the lawyer…there is nothing I can do he said except tug at the heart strings of my two children…which I have now…it isn’t about the almighty dollar, it is about them recognizing that I did more than they did and when she wrote the will several years back circumstances changed and she did want to change the will but I never acted on that…my loss…once the money is distributed I would be happy with just some sort of recognition. 

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      • lightness lightness says

        It is just an illusion that anyone has an upper hand based upon the number of beans ($$) one has in their possession. Money can feed egos which separates us from others. The need for more, more, more and the attachments to material props to feed the ego gets us nowhere…just an empty shell…unfulfilled…disconnected from what is important.

         

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  9. Lynnette Lynnette says

    i say charge the estate with their care 24/7 that you had to do and any other expenses.  Bill them!  If you do not need the money to live, then let it go, if you do, go after it.  I cannot believe children would act that way against their mother.  I also don’t believe that a spouse can have such a hold on the other as to prevent a relationship with parents, but i do read that a lot here.  Are these men for real?  Do they have any backbone?  I am very independent.  If my son ever did that to me, i would just walk away.  My mother and I were one.  Never would i have a spouse thaqt would prevent me to have a relationship w/her.  

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  10. Generic Image Lorraine says

    Ask them if they would at least divide the money evenly since you were the one who cared for her. Perhaps they already spent it, you know?

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  11. Generic Image Lorraine says

    If they give you $40,000. each it only leaves them $20,000 That doesn’t seem fair either.  Yes Mom was negligent in changing the will, but how much did she give you before she died?  I think asking for that much money from each kid is asking too much.

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