When our son graduated from college, my husband and I bought a small condo for him to live in. He pays us “rent” and we pay the mortgage and taxes with that. Recently, he told me that his girlfriend of one year would be moving in with him so they could “save” money since she spends more time at his place than at hers. Do you all think it would be unreasonable for me to add a rent increase since she would be moving in with her dog and cat and the wear and tear on the carpet, appliances, etc. would be on us. I think a rent increase is justified but some close to me do not agree and think I should just let them live together. She was currently paying $500+ monthly on her place so in essence that is what they would be saving. I haven’t heard any talk of marriage plans in the future. Our son is 27 and his girlfriend is 26.
Amen, and LOVE to you, Darcy!! I also refuse to denigrate any part of my body (or my mind). We are all precious and beautiful and unique....THAT is what we need to celebrate.
As someone who has been through the same situation, take it from me do not increase the rent and stay out of their business. I can understand getting upset if your son was just out of high school and eighteen years of age but to tell him he cannot live with his girlfriend at the age of 27 because you own his house is almost emotional blackmail in my opinion. Why haven’t you offered him the place on a rent to own basis by now? He is paying you enough to pay the mortgage why not give him the option of owning the property? Relationships between mothers and sons are usually very strong and if you’re anything like me there isn’t much you wouldn’t do for you son. Believe me when I say that one thing you NEVER want to do is step between a son and his choice of women because that woman will always come out on top. I have two sons with long time partners who they are not married to and will never be married to. In spite of their upbringing, young people today do not value that marriage certificate the way we did. It just isn’t an important issue and if you really think about it that is probably the issue that is bothering you more than anything else. I can tell you from experience that in spite of how I raised my sons and how they felt about marriage and family when they were in their twenties, their ideas have changed. I am just happy that they are dedicated and devoted to their partners for well over ten years for each of them and I wouldn’t do a thing to upset the apple cart now. As for the dog and cat, I have 4 cats and when you walk into my home you would never know it. This young lady might be a real neat nik for all you know. Give her a chance. She may be the best thing that ever happened to your son. Who knows, maybe their minds are on marriage in the future and saving that $500 a month would bring that day closer to reality.
I think it is fine to help the young. However, they must learn that life costs money and they must be responsible for what they incur in expenses. Increased occupancy is a perfectly legitimate to expect a increase in rent. Maybe not 500 bucks but some additional rent. We do not do our young a service by allowing them a sense of entitlement to have parents subsidize the cost of living.
Moreover, you will have an increase in utilities which have become stiff. Also, you will have the mental stress of a larger household. It is not your responsibility to subsidize their pending marriage. Their will also be the wear and tear toward your property. When we cater to grown children we give the message that they are entitled to support. That’s bunk.
Your original deal with your son was to provide a domicile for a cost. In my opinion the deal has changed. You did not agree, originally to provide daccomodation to both. Personally I think they are taking advantdaged of you. Are you comfortable with an additional person living in your home?
Do you like this woman? They are younger and stronger than you - possibly more capable of creating income. If they love each other they will find a way to marry without you footing part of the bill.
Let the lesson, owed to our kids, that independence is expected by a reasonable age. As for the cats, make sure a little box is provided, serviced regularly and watch for neglect. Animals can make a home so toxic you could have to move. Make this decision with your heart, but also with sensibilities.
Also, don’t forget that your house may be your nest egg. If so you have retirement funds to protect. There is nothing wrong with setting limits on what you can provide without compromise to your esteem in your son. I hope this helps.
Ah, yes!?! You’ve got to keep the whole renting thing on a professional level to avoid any conflict. He’s changing the lease agreement – two people now plus animals. You need a new lease agreement drawn up AND a pet deposit. Have you ever watched Judge Judy? What happens if your son moves out? You may be stuck with the girlfriend, legally, as long as she pays the rent. hmmmm…. on second thought, maybe you just need to say NO. But, if you say yes, draw up a new lease agreement at a higher rate plus pet deposits. This may not end well no matter what you do. Good luck. I hope it works out.
Thank you for your comments. I love how two or three heads are better than one and it is for that reason that I chose to pose a question on this discussion board.
This has absolutely nothing to do with emotional blackmail…mainly, it has to do with a business agreement and teaching my son that a deal is a deal. The deal was that we would help him out so he wouldn’t throw money away on rent. The agreement was that he would live there without a roommate and he was fine with that.
I honestly do not care to be in their business and consider him to be a mature adult capable of choosing the right girl, but I also don’t want to be taken advantage of and the decision was made by them for her to move in without the courtesy of discussing it with their landlord. I will treat this as a business deal and a lease agreement sounds like a great idea. Thank you very much.
I’m so glad you have come to a decision. That’s half the battle, isn’t it. I hope it all works out for you.
I may have missed something here but I thought you said you bought the condo when your son graduated college. Was he not an adult then? He had to be at least 22 at that point unless he was a child prodigy. It was then that you stipulated that he live with nobody? Isn’t that emotional blackmail or is it smothering? You stipulated that the only people he could share his life with was you. Young people need companionship unless they desire to be hermits. When my youngest needed a home and located one he wanted to buy I helped him too but I didn’t buy it for him and expect to manipulate how he lived as long as he was living there. I simply helped him pay some bills so that he could qualify for the mortgage himself. I’m sorry if I misunderstood your statement. I understood you to say that you bought the condo for your son to live in. I didn’t get the feeling that you wanted to be a landlord. I’m just saying that now that he is 27 maybe it’s time to live and let live. It’s better that he live there happily than to rent to strangers. My oldest son is a landlord and he could tell you some horror stories not to mention getting stiffed for over $3000. I still think that maybe you should tell your son how you feel and maybe give him the option to buy the condo on a rent to own basis. You would either still be helping him or you would help him decide if he needs your help anymore. My husband is deceased now some 13 years and I can tell you that living alone isn’t fun. I wouldn’t want this situation for my sons either.
Like others, I also assume that there is something I am not getting right here … you bought yourself a condo when your son graduated from College. You didn’t buy it “for” him since from you post I assume that he is not on the morgage, and the twenty something son is paying your entire morgage and taxes with his rent (lucky you), and covers all his own expenses. Now he has a girlfriend and told you that she would be moving in so the two could save some money (a serious relationship I assume from that), promptly you are considering raising his rent because of the “Added wear and tear” on the apartment.
Hm, what am I not getting here? We are also landlords and I know what damage can be done to apartments and houses by tenants. However, this is your son … they want to save money, so why not stipulate that when they move out of your condo, it has to be fully renovated? Iinstead of making a profit off your son (who is trying to save money) by raising the rent for some possible future damage … talk to the two of them and make sure it is understood that you expect them to leave the Condo renovated when they move?
I think if he wants to live like an adult, and be trreated like an adult, then he should handle the responsibilities as an adult. There is no where else on the planetwhere you can just move a herd of animals into a rental unit, and not have to make arrangments, such as deposits, added rent, etc.
I think if he is changing up the arrangement in so many ways, it is only logical to sit down (like the adult he seems to want to be), and negotiate a new one. This is not about blackmail, or taking advantage of him, IMHO, it is about doinfg what is fair for everyone. Sounds to me like he has a sweet deal, and wants to take advantage a little much. I don’t think he has been reasonable, just telling her how it’s going to be. You change the rules, then you have to negotiate new ones. I don’t think it hinges at all on whether she’s nice, or Mom approves, or whether she’s a neat housekeeper.
If he were my son, I’d say he has the option to leave things as they are, negotiate a new agreement that works for everyone, or move out, if he thinks he can do better elsewhere. In my town, you couldn’t rent a cardboard box for 500 a month!
I think at 27, your son needs a housing arrangement not connected to mom and dad, unless there is some compelling reason to do it this way, He should either: lease from you to own (which means he pays the mortgage, taxes, condo fees, utilities) or find another place to live that he can afford, with or without his girlfriend.
When I was newly single, my parents helped me buy a small house. The agreement was I would pay all of the expenses, upkeep. They generously put up a 5 percent down payment as a gift and were co-signers on the deed, which allowed me to benefit from their credit history. In five years, as we agreed, their names came off the deed and I was the sole property owner. It taught me a lot about managing money and living within my means.
He’s 27, and shouldn’t be coddled anymore. Draw up a new agreement, as any landlord would do in this situation, raise the rent a fair market value amount (10% ??), add stiff pet deposit (cats can DESTROY floors and carpets with urine and spray, needing replacement) and let them figure out how to split the costs. It’s business, and should stay that way. Don’t make it personal. If they don’t like it, he can give notice (which should also be stipulated in lease) of 30 days and move out! Then you and your property are covered and he is in the adult world!!
I can understand your wanting to charge additional rent, or do something to compensate for another occupant in your condo, especially if they are bringing animals with them, but under the circumstances, I have a 14 year-old son, and two older daughters. I can see something like this happening in the future. So, when I put myself in your shoes and think about how I would deal with it, I will have to say I would confront my son and remind him that this condo is investment property for his dad and me, and that I am a little concerned about animals in the condo. I would let him know I’m expecting him to be responsible. It could be that he is planning to split the rent with her, thus saving both of them money, but I would make if very clear that I hold him responsible for any damage to the property.
Additionally, you are a landlord, so I don’t see anything wrong with you explaining the rules of your condo to his girlfriend too. Hopefully, you are not the type that will nit-pick at every little thing you see in the condo once she moves in, but you do have a right to draw up a lease (if you haven’t already), and not renew it if things go terribly wrong.
Thank you Moongirl007 for your insightful remarks in your opening paragraph. I have posted to this comment three (3) times now and I can’t honestly believe it is bringing ongoing remarks still. This young man HAS indeed been leasing from his parents since they purchased the unit. I have one very important question that has not been answered yet, “Would you have become “”landlords”" otherwise”? In other words, did you plan on purchasing property to rent to strangers? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? I know elderly people who have spent all of their savings and even took a second mortgage just to make sure their children could have a college education. Then, in the later years their children end up supporting them. Whatever happened to, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”? I feel like I’m reading about people who are perfect strangers and not parents/son. I think you should pray long and hard on this one and follow your heart. I can’t see where anyone else can help you on this issue!
Hey damselfly: Yes, i do see you have been asking the question that I thought to ask as well and did not: Did couragous buy the condo as an investment that she envisioned her son would just live in temporarily and she later would rent to others? Or did she buy it specifically for him?
It’s hard to have an opinion, because families are so different. But I do think there can be a thin line between coddling your adult kids (in some cases because you secretly want to still control them) and helping them. I put my own parents in the later category. But one thing that made it work is we all were very clear, going into it, exactly what our expectations were. We drew up a written agreement so there would be few questions. And I assumed a lot of responsibility.
I never dreamed of asking my parents if a boyfriend could move in, or if I could have a pet — because the house was my responsibility. If two people used more water than one, I had to pay the extra. If a cat destroyed the carpet, I had to replace it. I think that’s what needs to happen here unless there is some extinuating circumstance, like unexpected job loss or high medical expenses. Sometimes I fear parents are allowing their capable adult kids to live in extended adolescence.
Anyway, you raise good questions. And you seem to be a very thoughtful parent who understands the difference between helping and enabling.
On so many different levels you are out of order! I know you want to be your son’s friend, but you are still the parents, taking care of your little boy. This playing house thing is going to cause you nothing but trouble. Tell your son it’s time for him to take over his own mortgage, have the papers transferred to his name, wash your hands of the mess he’s making of his life, as you are enabling him, and go on with your lives. We have gone past the ridiculous and the sublime in our culture. It is not okay for you to continue to enslave yourselves to the promiscuous will of grown children. You are not helping a man to become a man. What purpose are you serving with the girlfriend moving in? All they’re doing is living in sin. Did you tell your son it was all right for him to drive his little car without a license too? Did you tell him he can do as he pleases without consequences? It’s plain to see, you all worship the god of this world. What a legacy!
Umm, while I agree your basic premise, Disappointed, seems you are being a bit strident. If your purpose is to be helpful, your approach (“His life is a mess!” “He’s living in sin!”) is canceling out what value there might be in your message. Just a thought.
Again, Moongirl007, you are spot-on. Being the mother of two (2) thirty-something sons I can vouch for the fact that telling young people today they “are living in sin” is like telling a zebra he should shed his stripes. My youngest son has a band that plays 80s rock music and his friends, of which there are many, are all in relationships and about 5% are married. I don’t know how God is going to handle that on Judgement Day but then it is not my place to say either. I would think that with the number of unmarried partnerships today, allowances will probably be made for just staying in a loving relationship for a long time. Many of us older folks were divorced and remarried more than once (not speaking of myself). Lots of these younger folks have half siblings and step siblings. We can’t be moral judges when we are sinners ourselves if that is how you would want to look at it.
I don’t see where this young man’s life is a mess. His parents didn’t buy the condo for him to live in until he graduated college and I assume it was because he was not yet established credit wise. He has been faithfully paying the mortgage and taxes so I assume he has a J-O-B and can afford to pay for the condo. The mistake I see that the parents made is not signing the condo over to their son and letting him finally get some credit for the mortgage payments he is making and establishing his own credit. I bet if they had done that, they wouldn’t care if he moved 10 women in and 30 cats and dogs because he would no longer need to answer to them. I hope he gets smart and moves out myself. That will solve everyone’s problem except his parents of course. Being a landlord in today’s world is horrendous! Good luck with that!!