I am 53 yrs old, divorced 8 months ago and have realized that I don’t have any friends. The handful of woman I thought I was close to all have lots going on in their lives. Between aging parents, spouses’ health issues, kids going off to college, work (two have more than one job), I can definitely relate. I am always the one that reaches out and plans to get together are discussed but never come to be. Two of the three have never even seen the house I moved into! I feel hurt and abandoned but also understand that distance and circumstances dictate their lives. How do I go about making friends this late in the game?
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thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
Boy can I relate! I retired two years ago (Not voluntary), and watched my friends who are all still working drift away. Nobody’s fault really, they just still have active work lives , families and social groups.
Even my two retired neighbors, seem to prefer inactivity to doing anything.
Just finding women with common backgrounds or similar interests was very difficult . Notice I say ‘WAS’.
I found MeetUp.com At this site you enter your zip code and all of the available meet up groups will appear . You can cull the list down by entering your hobbies or activities that interest you.
I joined Trail Dames, a hiking group for ‘women of a curvy nature’. Not only do they hike (slowly), but they also coordinate rafting , tubing, picnics, horseback riding , zipline tours and much more. They have turned out to be a very friendly bunch of ladies that are supportive and fun.
While I haven’t found a new ‘best friend ‘, I am meeting a lot of new and interesting women .
There are all kinds of groups available . Dining, book clubs, tennis, knitting, budget seekers, moviegoers, walkers, runners, swimmers, gardeners, travelers …the list goes on and on and on and on . There are over 169 groups within ten miles of my zip code . Many are focused on the baby boomers.
The thing that is making this work for me, is that these people actually want to get out, do things and meet new people .
This transition and the development of new friends who meet your new needs takes time and effort. I suspect that retirees, divorcee’s,
widows and people moving to new areas all goes through this.
Good luck on your journey.
Wow! Thank you so much! I will check that website out. It sounds like we are of very like minds per your profile. Love the little kitty too..reminds me of my George when he was little
I am in the same boat. My friends were always tied to my job .. no job. no friends … and again, the ones I do have either work and are married .. or some just seem to be happy sitting on the porch watching life go by. I will surely check out the website you mentioned . I live in Ohio … midwest part of the state …. anyone else in my neck of the woods …. we can get together .. My local YMCA has been a source of at least conversation while I’m there.
I’m in Ohio too…Northeast area …darn!
I, too, have found good conversation at the Y and friends too, over time. I’d add taking classes to the other suggestions.
I just retired as a science teacher with over 30 years in education. I realized as I left that I had put all of my energy into the kids and my program and hadn’t really made any friends. I hear from lots of students–all grown up now, but I wouldn’t call them “friends”–they’re too young. I’ll always be interested in how their lives turned out and care about them, but there’s too big a gap in ages and situations to socialize with them. Other teachers were colleagues and now that I’ve left, I’ll most likely never hear from them again.
I have forgotten how to make friends! Everything I’ve done was for my classroom, my students, my science competition teams–now I’m alone with my husband wondering what to do next.
Going from a job where hundreds of young people clamor for attention every second to the quiet of retirement will take some getting used to. I’m not sure I even realize I’m retired yet! I hope I can find others in the same situation.
Thanks for the tip about the website–I’ll try it though I don’t hold out much hope for it in Utah. Everything here revolves around the dominant church and people really don’t socialize much outside of it. Still, it’s worth a shot! Thanks!
I too have attended meetup.com functions and it is an excellent site to find someone with similar interests. I have also found what I feel is the perfect way to meet friends. I have a 6 yr old Pomeranian who I love more than anything so I started working with him to volunteer for Animal Assisted Therapy. The first thing I did was get his Canine Good Citizen award which prepares you for the test to join animal assisted therapy. I feel so good about myself because I see how much joy my dog brings to kids, seniors and people in hospitals. I really like that I can take my dog in places that other dogs can’t always go (:
I’m in the same boat. Everything I read says, “Move on, develop new interests, etc.” But today was the 4th of July. My grown children were with their dad’s side of the family – and that’s fine! I was alone. No place to go. I think I’ll just have to try harder to establish relationships. But it’s hard. Good luck. Keep trying!
Thanks! I will keep trying. I did check out MeetUp.com. There seems to be potential there!
I hope all of you get to try MeetUp.com. I was a bit skeptical at first when someone reccommeded it to me, but WOWSERS there is so much to do and so many people to go with. I was most surprised by the variety..book clubs, card games, beginner hiking or tennis or bridge, baking, knitters.. Soooooo much to try out.
I would love to hear if anyone has another way to meet people with similar intrests or if you stumble on a really cool MeetUp group!
Why is it harder for women to maintain friends, I mean my husband still has his HS buddies (that relive the glory days over & over but that’s another story!). While mine all went their separate ways once we married and had kids. I had a number of periphery friendships, those that come and go with my kid’s, school, & sports, than work, and neighbors but nothing like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
No Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants here either. Perhaps because men are more laid back and accepting? Women’s friendships are so conditional sometimes.
I believe its harder for we women to maintain long term friendships partly because we generally are more willing to open up and be real and vulnerable in our relationships than men.This vulnerability results from the trust we have invested in this friend. Also our friendships tend to be deeper and more meaningful for us and we place greater expectations on them.
I am 56 and have just moved 7 months ago to a new area.. I am also in a wheelchair, but am quite active. Getting to meet people is very difficult these days and I have just joined meet up.. Hoping to make a few friends. I also am looking at doing volunteer work in my spare time. I am in Dover DE
I wish you the best of luck in your new ventures…it sound like you have no intention of letting a wheelchair hold you back!
update– my Babyboomer MeetUp group is doing tubing on the river next week and white water rafting in Aug. sooooooolooking forward to it! We also have about 3 dinner and a free?? (outdoor play, concert..) and we are going to a Drive In for a movie and grill out/potluck.
My Trail Dames group(for women of a curvey nature) is having a family style picnic where we can swim, hike, ride horses and ZIPLINE!! Another planned for the ladies includes a potluck with hiking followed by swimming, tubing or kyaking or canoeing on a lake.
My Bookworm group just met to chat up the last Harry Potter book and took off for a special matinee showing of the movie for book clubs (members only- and we had to bring our book) in the area.
My experience.. it is much easier to get out there and meet new people in the spring/summer than any other time of the year. In fall people start to focus on getting homes ready for the winter/holidays, getting kids off to school/college… and winter…well it’s tough.
cheers!
I am at a crossroads also and find myself wondering if there are any around here like me! It is a lonely place to be for sure. My kids are grown and I have grandkids but am finding that they are all very busy. Thank you for this post. I will check out that website!
Meetup is a wonderful source and I have used it successfully in the past. Now however, I have moved to a very small town and there are no meetup groups within 50 miles! Other suggestions? I found a book club, and I am looking for ways to volunteer in the community, but otherwise, I feel at a loss.
I just retired this year and was trying to move TO a small town, thinking it would be easier to make friends and be of some use. I figured there would be town activities that would be fun to help with.
I take it from your post that that’s not the case? I thought I would probably be MORE involved and busy in a small town.
I’m interested in your thoughts since we’re staying put–at least for this year. We were purchasing a house in Sequim Washington, but it fell through at the last minute. Now we’re rethinking our options. I’d love to hear about small town living. Thanks!
You did not say where you are and that can make it harder to offer suggestions.
Do you have a Michael’s Craft store near you? They offer all kinds of classes, and because you attend over a series of weeks you can really get to know some people. (cake and cupcake decorating, knitting…)
Check to see if your county extension office offers any classes; gardening, canning …
If it moves you, check out becoming a Red Cross Disaster Volunteer. Lots of training involved, you will meet some lovely people and possibly travel to some hard hit areas.
The Forrest Service always needs volunteers. Docents, trail maintenance, planting, guides..
I also joined an AARP group, ‘Single Travelers’, a bunch of us (20) are meeting in Vegas in a week, to get to know each other and plan a few trips together.
My suggestion is that we stop focusing on finding people (friends), and instead focus on what we want or like to do.
Focusing on activities that you like, activities that challenge, inspire, test, thrill, inform, soothe, comfort, stimulate…will make you happy. If you are happy, the friends will fall into place later.
Make a list of things that you currently LIKE TO DO, and next to it a list of WHAT YOU WANT TO DO/LEARN /TRY. Then start making them happen!
Meetup.com is a great suggestion. And, if you’re in a position to move, think about a master-planned or active adult community. They usually have a full-time lifestyle director (or two) and many activities going on. You can find people with similar interests – for example, I live in a master-planned community and I’m involved in our book club, captain (and play) on a tennis team, volunteer on one of our neighborhood committees, joined a dinner group, started a “movie club” and play golf. Great way to meet people because there is a shared interest from the get-go. When I moved, I also joined the board of our local library (they offer a number of free events as well – check out your library!), and volunteer for Habitat. All social, all ways to meet people. A newer community is often better – people are looking to make friends – “cliques” haven’t been established. I’m still working, too – writing books and giving talks about retirement.
If you’re into travel there are many women groups – some of the women are married (spouses aren’t interested in travel or the itinerary), some are single, but all have an interest in travel – again, a shared interest.
One other thought if you’re more housebound – you can join a virtual community such as Vibrant Nation, or participate in an on-line book club or even volunteer online (put these phrases into your search bar and you’ll see lots of amazing opportunities).
Jan Cullinane, The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life (Rodale)
Forest: I’m like you and I live in northeast Ohio!! I only work part time and am finishing my life long dream of a college degree. All of my friends are empty nesters (my eldest is a missionary and my younest is 19 & in college locally) or still working or whatever. The ladies at my church are either too young with babies or too old. I feel so lost somtimes, but I try to keep busy. What part of northeast Ohio are your from? I’m 15 miles south west of Cleveland!
I’m sorry….have not been on the computer…hurt my back, life caught up with me and all that! I am about 25 miles east of Cleveland. So, sounds like you are on the West side? I recently ventured there with my youngest on a vintage store hunt. It’s like a whole new world….we were in Lakewood. I loved the old homes, being able to walk everywhere, the outdoor cafes while still on the lake. Sorry, rambling…but your farther south of there I imagine.
MeetUp sounds like a terrific idea!
The same thing happened to me when I left my “big” job in 2007. Eventually all the friends I had built my social life around disappeared. I then found The Transition Network and everything changed. I have a couple of best girlfriends who have been around for most of my life but now I have an entirely new circle of women friends who are interesting, fun and who actually DO things. TTN, which is a national organization with chapters in various locations around the country, organizes programs, seminar and outings. There are small groups that meet regularly to discuss transition issues and special interest groups that spring up because someone has an interest and wants to find others with the same interest. We have book clubs, culture and cuisine groups, business networking groups, biking clubs. Anyone in the organization can start a group and many women do! I feel like I now have a varied group of women to spend time with, talk and share what’s ahead of us as women “fifty and forward.” Check out http://www.TheTransitionNetwork.org. I hear there’s a new website coming in August. But the ladies there are there now and they are great!
I can relate to everyone’s comments. I moved 25 miles from my large city to a suburb. My close circle of girl friends (I thought close…) have elected to make it clear to me that they will remain in touch via email but have no intention of ever doing our monthly dinner/cocktail events in my area. Why? Cocktails. They “don’t want to give them up, don’t want to drive after drinking or take the train or spend the night at my place”. I can come to them. Seriously. This is what I was told by the ring leader in an email which turned out to be blind copied to the others.
Having discovered this, I have yet to get involved in MeetUp groups here because I’m still building out some of my living space, but intent to do so when that ends. I had used MeetUp groups when living in the city and it is a very good way to meet new like minded people and expand your circle of friends. If you don’t have MeetUp in your area, you can start one by checking out their website.
I retired from hospital Nursing at the age of 55 because the hours and the stress were affecting my health. I did not want to hang out with my Nursing freinds because it depressed me that they were still working.
It took two years for me to realize that my life was still worth living. I started out slow. I went to a Women’s Rotary club meeting, I was paralyzed with fear because I knew that I just would not fit in. Now I am the President of the club which has really boosted my confidence.
I then started to go to Jazzercise classes and eventually became a class manager which again boosted my confidence. With my confidence still rising, I was on a roll. I pursued and got a part time job in an office that had nothing to do with nursing or health care, something new and different. For the first time in my life I look forward to going to my job every day. My health is better than it ever was and I have lost 50 lbs. I am a new person!
I still do not have that one best friend that you referred to, but I am meeting people daily and I am much happier. My advice is to start out slow, one step at a time. As long as you just get up and move in some direction the world and friends will open up to you.
I don’t believe it’s harder for women to maintain friends. From my experience, it has to do with what area of the country you’re talking about, what age you are and how long you’ve lived in a particular area. Meetup.com is an excellent source for meeting people of “like” interests. Area Recreation centers are also a great option…taking an exercise class or craft class is another suggestion. It’s very different meeting people in a new area after your kids are out of school…people have their “groups” already and aren’t on the lookout for new friends. I moved from the Midwest to a suburb south of San Jose CA after age 50 and felt like I’d landed on another planet. I found taking classes provided the best vehicle for meeting people with “like’ interests. I also joined a garden group which was a lifesaver, as I met alot of women who shared my passion for gardening, which led to some great friendships. Hope this helps. Good luck to you!
OK, without reading all of the answers, I’ll offer my reason why women can’t keep friends.
I’ve read a few posts here lately that said “all my friends are through work, they are all the friends I want or need”
and: “now that I’m not working, all those friends have faded away”
The bulk of my friends have been OUTSIDE of work. Those are the friends who have lasted. When women get married, and have children, they sacrifice their friendships for the family unit. Those people are no longer important, they must do everything for their children & their husband, and that takes up all their spare time.
So it comes as a surprise to these women that once the children are grown & gone, or once their husband leaves them, they have no friends.
Friendships, like marriage or children, require commitment. If you are not willing to make that commitment, then those relationships will dissolve.
I realize that balancing all these things is terrifically difficult. But the truth remains: if you neglect a relationship, it will fail.
There have been several seasons of my life;each has been filled with “friends” that have come and gone as those seasons changed. There were grade school friends that I thought would last forever and the same for high school and college friends. Surprisingly, the ones I thought would be in my life as it changed drifted away and others stayed or came back as their seasons of life changed and we were drawn back together after years of separation. Then there were friends from La Leche League, friends from Home Education circles, friends from churches attended… on and on. Most were like the leaves of summer… gone by the cold of summer. But through it all, I continue to cherish each and every one of them, for the memories of the times I spent with them are so much a part of who I am today. I echo the words of all of the above comments… go out and be a friend, self motivate yourself to move into a new season of life and be willing to be a new special friend to someone else who is in your same circumstances. It used to hurt me to think I had been “cast aside”. Now I know that was a feeling, and feelings, though true, are not always the truth.
Ladies I know exactly how you feel. I am divorced this month after 26 years. My youngest child just turned 18 this June and suddenly I find myself no longer a wife or a mother as such… I too have spent many nights alone while everyone else is with their husband or children and my only remaining extended family have recently moved out of state. However I just returned from my National Conference with Silpada and I had the most wonderful extended weekend in KC with over 4000 of my Silpada sisters. We celebrated Girlfriends for Life. Become a rep of a direct sales company like me. It is the only reason I have gotten out of bed many mornings. I love that I get paid to
party and meet wonderful women. I have found myself and you can too!
Reading all of these posts makes me feel great about what I do on a daily basis – which is helping women like us connect and support each other during these transition periods. I am the executive director of The Transition Network, an organization that helps women over 50 embrace change in their lives and discover new opportunities for the life ahead of them. We offer programs, workshops, & small groups that lead to lasting friendships, new resources, and professional connections. A national membership based organization, we have chapters thus far in New York City, Long Island, Connecticut, Washington D.C., Atlanta, Boulder, Central Ohio, Chicago, Houston, Philadelphia, & San Francisco. Motivated and involved women like us are exactly the kind of women for whom The Transition Network was founded!
Wow…..I’m so glad to be back on here and get reaquainted with women and our issues. I am married, but married women still like female friendships too. So glad to read all the resposes and to see all the good advice. It’s great to see others come up with the answers I can’t always come up with on my own. Keep sharing ladies….