I have been married for 30 years. Not happily. I am 56. I am disabled, so that has prevented me from getting a divorce. I can’t work. We own a small business together, which makes it hard, also. I don’t do much with the business, since I am disabled. I have reconected with an old boyfriend, and want to leave. I don’t know what or how to do it. He is currently also married. The plan is to move to Indiana(where I grew up). Back to where he lived as a child. The plans aren’t moving as fast as planned, and I have already filed for divorce. It was put on hold til June 2nd, which is coming up fast. I don’t know what to do when the time comes to restart the divorce. I don’t know if I should to restart it or wait until all the plans are in place. It is all I can think about. Jim(old friend) doesn’t seem like he is moving his plans along very fast. I have tried to say something to him about it, and he keeps telling me that he hasn’t heard from his lawyers. He is trying to get an organic farm started. I am so confused as to what to do. A friend of mine in Michigan says I can stay there for a few months. I have to move from Wisconsin to Michigan, then to Indiana. I don’t know how I will get my stuff moved. I can’t drive long distances, and I would have to rent a truck to move it. Any suggestions or help for me? I also have very low self-esteem, which was caused from a car accident I was in. That’s why I am disabled. I had a severe brain injury, and some physical injuries. It was in 1975. I don’t want to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I hope someone can help me see my way through this.
| divorce | Hot Conversation |
May 21, 2010
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Please, do not do anything until he makes his move first…..I guess I would say, divorce for yourself, not for any other person to be with you….the excuse that he hasn’t heard from his lawyers is probably not true….(sorry for the pessimism, but been there and done that)….you have been married 30 years, what is a few more months or a year….I would put your filing on hold until you are absolutely sure….your security must come first and no one but you can secure it…..it is my personal opinion that if you leave your husband without a more solid plan, you are setting yourself up for hurt, among other things. If you do continue with the divorce proceedings, you probably should proceed as if you will be living alone and supporting yourself…and that is advice your lawyer should be giving you….Until his divorce is final, your friend is still married…period….that means his wife probably owns half of their marital estate, etc. ….and that sets you up for potential disaster.
You did a good job with this, Nan1 please listen. You need to think this though some more…TRACK
Thanks Track….unfortunately I learned this lesson the hard way….I was with a liar for 6 years, promises, promises…..really according to him he had the most slack off lawyers in the country….what he didn’t know is lawyers network….I just had my lawyer talk to his “supposed” lawyer…..nothing was ever written, filed, or even an appointment ever made to move forward with his divorce…..even tho’ he told me it was “her” not agreeing, wanting more money, etc. etc. (actually if I remember correctly he used to refer to his wife as “it”..yikes, what was I ever thinking??) ….(which by the way is the second excuse after “slow” lawyers)…and guess what he is still with his wife and when I ran into him a couple of years ago was very pleased to tell me he is still cheating on her, only he was doing it out of town…hard lesson for me, but one I will never forget, and hopefully can help someone else from having to learn.
We all learn the hard lessons. I wrote in the beginning of joining VN, only 15% of men divorce their wives for another woman! If I didn’t move ahead with my divorce, I would still be married to the first husband…TRACK…
I believe that!!
I know I probably should put the divorce on hold, then I will have to refile. It will cost me more money to do that. I am so unhappy. I know I need to put myself first, but I don’t know how to do that. I haven’t lived on my own for 30 years. And my SS check is not enough to support myself. I know I would get half of what we have, but I don’t know how much of that would be liquid cash. Like I said, a friend of mine told me I could stay at their place for a few months. Her and her husband are over the road truckers, so I would basically be ‘housesitting’ for them. Thanks for the advice.
Nan–First, I think you need to put your sense of urgency aside….I know how good it feels to have someone pay attention to you when you have felt neglected and/or unloved for so long….all the more so, because then any attention feels like good attention, when in fact it might be not so good for you… I also think you must, must get yourself squared up financially to survive on your own…..your friend is still married, and if he hasn’t even filed, it could be months to a year before it is final….I would not make your move until then…that is how you put yourself first…..I would rather you spend a little more money to refile than to make a life-altering mistake…and I know it is easier said than done, but if you back off and wait for him to call, make a move, etc. and he doesn’t, then I think you have your answer fairly quickly…and one other note…it just doesn’t take 3 months to get financial information….it just doesn’t…..unless he is Donald Trump or something….I have to agree with Lynnette here…..but I simply do not have a good feeling about this……you asked how to take care of yourself, and the answers from all these wonderful gals have told you that…..stay put, get secure, don’t be a victim….this sounds like the age old story of one person leading another on…..you are not in a position to give this guy your absolute trust at this time…..at least now you have a roof over your head that you own and although not ideal….it is better than bunking at someone elses house in the hopes this guy is going to show up……if I were in your shoes he would need to put all his cards on the table, right now!
If you have medical coverage, I would consider seeking some counseling about this before you do anything….
every single one of the responses I have gotten, have been so helpful! It has really made me think about what I am doing. Because of my low self-esteem, it is hard for me not to gobble up attention that anyone gives me. Iknow I should be more respectful of myself. I wish I was. I was reading something about my personality, and what it was saying really hit the nail on the head. What is in bold is what it said about me. This is so true!
“You have a deep compulsive need to connect with others and if this does not happen, your personality will distort itself in all kinds of ways in order to get approval. This means that you often will put yourself in the position of being a doormat.” You take everything that happens very personally. You often have a strong idea of what constitutes loyalty to you in your mind and it does not take much for you to feel betrayed by another. If someone rejects you romantically, it is not long before your passion turns to hate and thoughts of revenge. This is because you are very much ruled by your emotions and not your mind. Your deep seated need to be desired and loved can not only lead to obsession, but it can also send you into disassociated states where you refuse to admit to yourself that a relationship is not working. Remember that it takes more courage to end a bad relationship than it does to stay in it.
Others may not respect you because you seem to have so little respect for yourself.
it looks to me that is exactly what you are doing… jumping from one bad situation into an unknown and my instincts tell me it is going to be a very very bad situation. I have seen this happen before. If your bo is not making any moves, stay put. What is the rush? Give yourself time to think. If you lose what you have, no matter how small it is, what will happen to you? Your friend will keep u for a week maybe two, after that you better start paying rent, food, utilities, etc. Times are hard for one person to support another. if you are disabled i guess you get a check from the government? Can that sustain you to live by yourself? Ask this man you are involved with to please tell you his plans. Tell him that you are in a very delicate situation and give him a way out of the situation now, before it becomes a disaster. Tell him you rather know if he is serious than find out later that he is not. If he has a measure of sympathy and kindness in his heart he will tell you the truth. Because he will not want to be the man that destroys your life. Sometimes we make plans that are only in our head and wishful thinking. The other person goes along, but this sounds like a BIG MISTAKE waiting to happen. Don’t be a victim, be a victor.
I know I am probably going from bad situation to another bad one. It is so unsure. My disablility check isn’t enough to support me. I keep asking him about the plans, he tells me that as soon as his financial situation is solved, he will have enough money to move. He has told me that he is serious. But what I hear in his voice when I talk to him sounds different. Since he lives in MA and me in WI, that makes it hard. I know the plans I am making are somewhat wishful thinking, and I need to get my head screwed on straight. But every time he talks to me, I just melt. I wish I was stronger than I am. His Mom had a head injury, as I did, so he knows some of what I am going through. He keeps telling me that he has to ‘adjust’ to how different I am now. I told him that I have to adjust to him, too.
Nan, dear person, every time I read a little more, all these red flags start waving at me….please, just back off, let him do his thing, whatever it is…moving, finances, telling his wife, etc. and tell him when he is ready for you to call….please don’t use this guy as an escape route from your unhappiness…and I will qualify that by saying if you are currently being abused physically or otherwise feel threatened, then of course you must get help….is there a Women’s Care Center or some such organization in your area? Sometimes they have resources and counseling to help in situations like this.
This is not the time to melt when you hear his voice…it is a time to step back and make considered decisions, not emotional ones….
I agree with what you said Sunblossom. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and tell him what you said. Tell hinm when he is ready for me, to call. I think I am using it as an escape from my unhappiness. I am not being physically abuse as of now. He(his name is Gary) has hit me a few times, but it has been several years since he did it. But, (and he denies this) there has been and still is verbal abuse. I know about a place where I could go if I felt unsafe. But I don’t right now. Everything that everybody is saying is something I know I need to do.
when I act like I’m backing off from Jim(BF), I know he’ll be able to tell something is different. It will be so hard to not make emotional decisions. I hope I can do it.
Nan, I hate to say that he is jerking your chain. If you are unhappy by all means divorce, but do not get involved with another loser. I hope that he has not asked you for money. I think if he was “serious” that he would move heaven and earth to be with you; it only takes a moment to file the papers to get his divorce started, sounds like he hasn’t even done that. Lawyers get paid when they produce, they like to get paid don’t they.
You need to look out for you. Make yourself happy first…then think about another relationship.
Good luck!
He has told me that he isn’t going to tell his wife that he is divorcing her until he is back in Indiana. The lawyer he has to get some information on is about a money issue. It has been three months and he doesn’t have any answers. Do you think I should tell him what you said about he he wants to be with me, “he would move heaven and earth”? Every time I say something to him about if we are going to be together, he gets sort of mad. Saying that he has told me ”yes, I keep telling you that”, and that no news is good news, when it comes to us being together. Him saying anything about us not being together. I want to back off and let him contact me, but I am afraid he won’t. He called me this morning about a Dr. appt. he had yesterday. But he just won’t talk about the plans unless I bring it up. I just don’t know what I should do. He lives in MA., and I am in WI. I want to be with him so much, but I wonder if, as time goes on, he wants to be with me.
I haven’t had anyone talk to me the way he talks to me in years, and because of my self-esteem being low, I just eat it up. I want to make myself happy, but I don’t know how.
Don’t be afraid of backing off, Nan…..what you need to be afraid of is making too quick of a decision about all of this….
Nan, Sunblossom is so right on. I was in a similar state myself…..verbally abused and controlled, unhappy, few friendships and so fearful “I can’t do it alone, what about money, etc,” but as luck would have it I had to complete a learning moduel for work (I am a RN) on domestic abuse and violence that I realized that verbal abuse and control is abuse. When I learned that and turned off those buttons for my ex to push it escalated to physical abuse, which really got my fanny in gear. I went to a counselor, because like you, I needed the validation that I was doing the right thing. So I took the plunge, put my faith in God. My divorce took nearly two years because he was so uncooperative about it and we didn’t have kids! Once out of the situation I finally learned how to make ME happy; but being a nurse it was hard to always put me first…..but getting cancer cured me of that.
If his answer when you question him is “I keep telling you that” and he seems kinda mad, he is not on the up and up. Plus if the majority of his conversations are about him, it is always going to be about him. If he was truly serious as I said before the conversations would be about the progress he is making to break free, and he wouldn’t tolerate hold ups of any kind, and he would be talikng about your future together.
Yes you do seem needy and your circumstances have probably led to that. The thing is you recoginize that those traits are there and that they are not good ones, so you have the power to change them! It is the same as someone with an addiction, the first step is acknowledging that there is a problem. If you could get counseling, that would benefit you greatly. I am not sure about your current relationship, but maybe couples counseling along with individual may be of help…who knows maybe he is just as unhappy. You didn’t get there overnight and a third party may be able to assist you both on how to bring up issues and how to begin resolving them, or maybe they may never be resolved; but at least you tried.
God Bless you.
How did you turn off the buttons for verbal abuse? Because when he(Gary)starts saying things to me, it makes me mad and I start yelling back. Not verbal abuse. Our poor animals suffer when we fight. I’m so sorry you got cancer. Are you ok?
The majority of the conversations ARE about him(Jim, BF). Do you think I should tell him what you said. “if he is serious about not tolerating any hold ups, and would be talking about our future”? I think that is a good statement.
I don’t want to try to resolve the relationship with my husband(Gary). It has been over for a long time. I’m just going through the motions of being married. I don’t know what kind of things I am allowed to say on here. About our sleeping arrangements. That’s all I’ll say. Thanks for your help! And everyone else, thanks!
Turning off the buttons was hard….I was just so mad that I allowed myself to get into the siutation I was in; but I was abused as a child (verbally, and physcially) so I guess that was all I knew. Pretty much I either agreed with what he said, knowing in my heart and head what he said wasn’t true; or I told him he was wrong and left it at that I didn’t get duped into verbal confrontation….silence is a great weapon.
Sounds to me that you are already psychologically detached and read to make a break from your current marriage. No problem, get your ducks in a row; don’t let anything stop you. If may not be easy finacially but in the long run you will be happier and that my friend is PRICELESS. Make sure you have a safe place to keep all of your documents, copies of taxpapers, I know you have business together, make sure you have copies of all of that. It is funny how during a divorce your spouse will lie…even under oath (mine did). Look for a women’s group that helps you cope with divorce that should help you deal with questions, doubts, etc.
My last set of Mammograms and Ultrasound, post 1 year of treatment are negative! But I am ever vigilant, follow up with my docs, and try to control the things in my life that cause stress. If I can’t cotrol the stressors I try to eliminate them.
I remarried 3 1/2 yrs ago to a really great and supportive man, I wasn’t looking but I believe God put us in each others paths. Marriage or relationships shouldn’t take a lot of work, especially when only one person is working (in your case with the beau you are doing all the work), when it is seamless and easy, not perfect, but easy you will know you have found the right person.
Remember, you do not need a man to be a VIBRANT Woman; you only need to believe in yourself. And no one, man or woman, has the right to treat you any other way; nor should you allow them to.
Should you quote me to your beau? Go ahead, I believe open and honest discourse is essential to a strong and healthy relationship. Even if they do not agree they need to acknowledge and accept your concers/feelings.
And I agree this website rocks! We are women, hear us roar. It is about time we take care of each other!
Good thoughts to you!
Hey listen Nan1, if you tell ol’ Jim anything that one of the VN sisters has said, all you are doing is “trying to act like you’re strong” and hoping that Jim will say something sweet that will put your lil ol’ mind at ease. Such malarky . . . if you back off, you’re afraid he won’t contact you???????? He’s s o s m o o t h e ! ! ! I have a friend that is in a similar situation and finally she told old smoothe talker to get lost. He sent her text messages all day trying to get her to back down. Knowing all I knew about tricky dicky was bad but when I read his text messages I could have been swayed to “AAAaaahhhh . . . “. He was so skilled at saying what made a women’s heart go pitter-patter and it didn’t mean a thing because his actions could not match up to his words. Please, please, please take a long hard look before you leap from the frying pan directly into the fire!!!!
It does make my heart go pitter-patter when he talks to me. I just wish I could control my emotions better than I do. It has been so long that someone has talked to me like he does, I just eat it up! He is smooth. I tell myself that I shouldn’t get involved. But when he contacts me, and tells me what he did last night, that the day is coming for us to be together, it all goes out the window!
Nan1, Good morning, Just want to say very women here has lived a story of hurt, pain, sorrow in many ways, yet in time we came out…not easy or pleasant…now it’s your time/turn to begin a life you claim you want for yourself. Just because someone speaks nice to you does not mean they are good for you!
I wonder what the Mrs. has to say to all this?? You could be her and not no what mister is up to…it is time to get a grip on your emotions, nothing is easy that is worth it! Dynamomma has put it on the line…you are too desperate!! scary…TRACK
Nan–listen the Dynamomma….I have been there also….in an unhappy marriage, and leaning on another uncommitted lying man to “rescue” me…..he was the smoothest operator of all time….I mean I am a very intelligent, well educated and very worldly person and I bought it hook, line and sinker, every single lying word….until something triggered in me and I started to research and tried to validate his words…I found out in very short order what I really didn’t want to know, but simply had to acknowledge for my own survival….it was not about me or even us, it was just about using me and keeping me to himself, he didn’t really want me, he just didn’t want anyone else to either…it was such a total disaster, he almost ended his life over it…. and most certainly ruined mine, totalled me financially and emotionally and it took me many years to recover emotionally and I am still not recovered financially….so I know where I am speaking from….I am not spouting theories, we are talking about realities here….and I was not dealing with a disablity from an auto accident…..forget the pitter patter of your heart, it is not guiding you in the right direction, at least not right now…..just see how these true colors play out…..you have time, you are taken care of right now…with a roof over your head etc. even if it isn’t ideal, it is space to allow time be on your side and see what he does….if it is meant to be he will rise to the occasion..you are an adult and you can control your emotions.
Thanks for your story….TRACK
Your welcome….I hope it helps Nan…
I want to thank everyone again for all of their helpful responses. When I read what you all have written, it jerks me back to reality! Thank you, thank you! I come back to read what you all wrote to me frequently to do that! Nan
You are welcome Nan….even though we aren’t face to face….I can sense your frustration and confusion as well as the unhappiness….I truly just do not want those emotions to be the driving force behind any changes you make….I would like to see any changes you make come from well thought out, well planned decisions based on your needs..it is good you are seeing a counselor….hopefully you can share some of our perspectives here with her….keep us posted.
Please don’t jump from the frying pan to the fire. Take a deep breath and give yourself some time to figure everything out. It sounds as if you are unhappy in your marriage and want a divorce. Go forward with that in June, but take time, a lot of time, before getting into a relationship with this new man. Get to really know him and then follow your heart. Best of luck to you Sweetie.