Who are the women in your lives who exude confidence and wear it like a mantle no matter what they are doing at the moment? I see these women all the time and when I get to know them, find out that some really aren’t expert, they only make us think they are by how they are perceived. Sometimes they are expert and make us feel that it’s possible for us. They somehow share their confidence with us for a while. I love to be around these women. Many of you are here on VN.
Before the “M” word came into my life, there were times when I could be in a room full of people and have confidence in my conversations and ease when meeting new people. I haven’t felt that naked confidence in quite a while. I would love to know if I am in search for a “Holy Grail” of confidence. Will I ever get it back?
What have you found to be your mantra during these times? Is there something you say to yourself to put you in the right frame of mind to gain the confidence you want/need before you step into the arena?
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Love your post and yes there is something I do and say that gives me back my confidence….
Getting older has it’s downside ..but I believe it has more up sides , and for that reason we want to enjoy more of what we have learned and the wisaom we have to share,
Sometimes we are too concerned about out looks that we are “losing” when that happens and it does every now and then ….
I look into the mirror and know that I am “beautiful”l… Not because of the physical view but when I reach down within and pull on my spirit which I know is beautiful rich and intelligent ..I actually “glow” that is what I have been told at the times I pull on that energy… It is the best makeup trick I know ..as I am not a make up person , a little lip gloss or color a little eyebrow an lash cover and I’m a good as I’m going to get.. Sometimes older women put on too much makeup and it only shows the age more , in an poor light…but you really have to go down deep within and it happens …but I started the M at 33 I am told I am a miracle no dryness or issues it just stopped I had a few hot flashes at night and for the past 27years it has been fine.
Hi fay,
There is more to beauty. I like that you put on a glow from within yourself. That information is enlightening. That and reaching inside for our inner strength. I stopped at 54 but had some emotional problems that got away from me. Gaining my confidence is what will get me through the next chapter of my life. I intend to succeed and I admire women who do it so gracefully. My husband is always telling me things about myself that I need to believe in. He doesn’t flatter, in fact, he scolds me because it’s hard for him to see me give up. It works for a while. I think Sandra’s advise was great too in that I know I’m strong. I just need to get a handle or take back the reins and do it well! I know I have earned it.
Thanks ;^))
MG, I think that “taking back the reins” is just what you probably need to do. It is there and probably better than before, you just need to believe it and do it.
For some, confidence has been a struggle over the years but I think for women who had it and then got sidetracked or lost their way, it is just getting it back on course. Perception is reality so if you perceive, it is what you will convey.
You have lots going on in your life right now, changes, doubts, stress in moving and doing so much of it yourself, looking at all of the old memories associated with moving, all of that. No doubt in my mind that you are more fearful then not confident. I get it, but try to get past it and to embrace the unknown. You are fortunate to have a husband such as you do, I have one like him myself. He doesn’t praise me everyday or even every week but if I beat myself up, he is the first to tell me to knock it off already! Sometimes that is what we need to hear the most.
Best wishes as you transition yourself into a new community and chapter.
Thank you JEM,
That’s it. Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. I am trying to consider this an adventure. Attitude is so important. I am getting excited really, I know it doesn’t sound like it but this chapter in my life can be what I want it to be. Thanks again.
I can[t imagine you not glowing, we all have to deal with changes and pull ourselves back together …know that you are not alone and you have so much more to give in new ways.
You know I am one of four sisters and one in particular I thought was very beautiful…I always thought of myself as average and when my husband during the first year of our marriage would called me beautiful ,,I would make him stop …I liked being realistic and did not like being “put on” so he settled to saying attractive and with that I was comfortable…. because physically that was more correct..But when I began to find myself as a person of spiritual value, I felt beautiful …and was sadden that I had demanded him to never say that about me…A stranger said to me with respect and not any sexual overtone, but respect , You are a beautiful queen…I knew what he meant…and I was elated , I finally found out what real beauty was and is from within.
I know exactly how you feel. There were times that I would get embarrassed when the spotlight was on me and it wasn’t deserved. Too many times, I’ve poo-pooed compliments. Now, I’m excepting them 24hours a day. My husband is my biggest fan and I like to give him the joy he receives when he compliments and gives me things. It’s not what he gives that is so special to me. It’s that he is always thinking of ways to please me. He speaks of an inner beauty he sees in me. I’m loving it. I see your inner beauty in what you write.
Hugs.
Hugs back to you…got to live up to that beautiful name every time you see it or hear it know that it is you.
;^)
I can’t think of any woman I know or have worked with who was mostly confident the majority of the time and in a range of situations. I do know of women who were consistently courageous because they forged ahead with whatever it was facing them despite a lack of confidence.
And it’s true that once we get to know a person, we realize that they too have a time of uncertainty. Which came first? Courage or confidence? I think they are very connected and equal success.
I feel for the most part I am confident in most arenas….I am totally intimidated by thin beautiful women my age…..most of the time it is just good genes, but they almost always make me feel as if I am a lazy slug….which I am a little bit, but also scared to exercise because of back issues etc.
I am at my most confident when I speak from my heart and beliefs, which I always, always do…..I guess I really don’t care what people think any more, and if I am, say, speaking in front of a group, leading my divorce recovery class etc. preparation, in word, thought and prayer, is the key plus what Sandra said.
Sunblossom, I can relate to the thin beautiful woman intimidation. It doesn’t bother me as much as it did when being thin and beautiful was important for me to be. I see the beauty within much more than the packaging. I know we all want to look and feel our best. When we do, then I believe that is what others see too. That is confidence. The women who is confident doesn’t have to be thin or beautiful or both. It happens when we’re most comfortable. After we get to know a thin and beautiful woman, we don’t see that anymore unless she is conceited and then it’s not beauty. I know plenty of those women and fortunately, I don’t hang out with them. They do nothing for me and honestly, how many pairs of shoes can one person own? Anyway, my point is that we we do what we are, speak from the heart like you say, we are beautiful. A thin woman to me is a reminder of my laziness. She isn’t even aware that she makes me feel that way.
Right on your last sentence, but I still snarl to myself when they walk by, especially if I am with the man in my life and she gives him the once over…..grrrrrrr….and if he glances back…..I just eat chocolate!
And don’t share it with him either!!!
No sharing…..which will probably be more painful than MG’s pinch….he loves chocolate!!!
Not me, I goose him, and then eat chocolate.
I will definitely try that, in that order!!!
The scale does not weigh worth!
Hi Moongoddess: I’ve struggled with confidence most of my life. There’s always been something in my life that has the ability to destroy my confidence. Sometimes I let it destory a part of me. I’ve gone through stages of growth that I think most women who are on a spiritual growth pattern can and will relate to. Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith aptly summed this up for me. The four stages are: 1) To Me (this is where something outside ourselves is doing something to us); 2) By Me (we learn that we are part of something bigger than ourselves); 3) Through Me (we find out that things happen because if you name it, you claim it, you make it welcome); 4) As Me (letting go of the concept that confidence/success is “getting there” and realizing that I have “earned the right to be there”). And then with help from God and continued learning I finally am able to move about through each of these stages with ease without getting stuck at one place and eventually coming back to “As Me” and the mantra that “I have earned the right to be where I am“ — I know how it feels, I’ve been there before, I know how to return there. Bless you MG, I love you. -dyna
And I love you!
To Me, By Me, Through Me and As Me. “I have earned the right to be where I am” . How can we fail? This is great. Most helpful as usual.
And, I am blessed!
MG
Dyna, I would never have guessed stuggles with confidence based, of course, solely on your posts here….
She is one of my Mentors and one of the VN’ers I mentioned. I even have her in my bio. Bet you didn’t know that dyna.
I did see that moongoddess and I felt so honored. I’m not sure how I deserved that honor. But I have from time to time checked back to see if I’m still there. And if I don’t see you posting I have to check and make sure you’re still around because you are one of my favorite posters and I always get something out of your posts. Thank you.
Now I feel honored. You give thoughtful advise. I believe that you make an impact on those who are fortunate to get it. I’m not just trying to flatter you, unless there is a lunch in there somewhere. No, it’s because you are an expert and you give freely. Anyway, I haven’t received a bill. It takes a caring person who does that. I also like that you have diversity. I can talk to you about Harleys to grandchildren to working etc. Love it! Thanks for your contribution on VN and in the lives of others.
MG, Dyna right there at the top of my list on where and who to go to for advice. If anyone reads her posts you know she’s been places and learned a few things. MG I got hope in you, plus I’m coming to Florida again one day, be there, haha…TRACK…GO GET’UM GAL…
Come on down. You’re always welcome!
I’ve spent lots of time overcoming insecurities, maybe 20 years or so. But they rear their ugly head once in a while, and I still go through the routine of getting it back together. But thanks . . . well that seemed like a compliment, right?
Right…it was meant as a compliment…your answers are always so together!!
Interesting, MG, based on your responses on VN, I would never have thought of you as lacking confidence. (All of us lack confidence from time to time–keeps us humble.) I think that if you asked people you know personally, you would be surprised at how many saw you as confident. We tend to create mountains out of molehills in our own minds.
Thank you Olga, you are another one of my mentors. I think I put up a good facade sometimes. Thanks for the reminder. That is so true about the molehills. Now, with time to think about things, I get carried away. I love it here in Florida and I’m very excited to get involved at many levels. The first impression is always the lasting one. Just nervous I think. Thanks for the boost ;^))
I’m flattered.
If you love FL now (heat and humidity time), just wait until you spend winter here. You’ll wonder how you ever wanted to live anywhere else. In fact, if you want a preview, go to the weather channel website and compare winter temps where you are now to where you lived before. And, I think it’s NOAA that has charts with days of sunshine per month. When I researched it, I found that this area of FL had 30 more days of sunshine a year than where I lived in VA.
Yesterday, there was a breeze off the ocean and it cooled things off quite a bit. The humidity was still high but after living in Missouri for 8 years, I’m very aclimated to it. It actually feels better to me than the dry climate of Colorado. Colorado has over 300 days a year of sunshine. I’m hearing that when the “snow birds” come back to Fl, it will get busier. I’m going to get settled before that. My plan aslo includes finding a home.
Hi MG,
I think I have come to realize that people love a good listener and there are so few of them ‘out there’.
When we are invited to a social event, I don’t conjure up any thoughts around it. I accept the fact that I would rather be home! Lol I also accept the fact that there is a certain uneasiness about going into an unfamiliar, meeting new people, environment.
Once we have arrived, I just listen, smile and listen.
I often repeat what folks say to me or add to what they have said, always throwing the ball back into their court! I am sincere in this and enjoy hearing ‘their stories’. Quite often, a good listener will create a good listener in others’, then, the conversation often becomes reciprocal. They actually want to hear something about me! Lol
As far as the “Holy Grail” of confidence, we all have our Achilles heel and find ourselves ‘drowning’ in a situation! If you read enough memoirs of the ‘rich, famous and successful’ you will find that even the great ones are shaken to their foundation, at times! It’s best to just let things ‘unfold’ at times like this…wait for that ‘still small voice’ to move you, or not…somebody will step in and fill the gap! Let them shine!
Well, love your sincerity! This speaks volumes and I’m sure you carry that with you wherever you go! How sweet it is!!
P.S. I loved the response you got from all of these WONDERFUL Vn girls!! xo’s
Hi Evie,
You are exactly the kind of person I seek out in a party or get together. I’m feeling much better after reading all the replies. I know it’s something everyone goes through at some time in their lives. That old ego just keeps trying to stir up trouble. Owning it as dyna has said in another post is helping to put it in it’s place. NOW, NOW, NOW. Otherwise, I’ll cheat myself out of the real experience.
P.S. I loved the responses too. We are a great group of women.
Yes, I do think we would find one another at a party!!! I think you got some very helpful responses! You know you are not alone with the ‘butterflies in the stomach”…that ‘dread feeling’! We are all so human!! Carry this *hug* with you next time you get that feeling!
Thank you Evie! I met several women here in this condo community. All but one is retired and live here full time. I watched them play canasta and they envited me to join them. It was fun and I really enjoyed their company. I’ll be thinking of that hug. (smile)
Good morning, MG,
You can make good, solid friends in your new location. We don’t need a houseful of friends, but one or two buddies to hang out with, chat with.
There are so many people with some kind of ‘agenda’, big career, getting rich, being popular, gaining power, etc. It’s real nice to find down to earth folks who just want to hang out, be friends.
We need to keep our antenna up for the sincere ones. It isn’t easy because some folks seem to have the outward appearance of friendliness, but we find there was a hidden agenda!
Often, not always, retired/older folks are ready to have real friends and have dropped all the pretense.
I think our ‘natural heart’ can feel when there is insincerity, but we haven’t learned to listen closely enough. It’s so easy to get caught up when things are moving so fast! A real good gauge in finding a ‘real friend’ is to pay attention to the conversation. Is there a sharing going on, back and forth, or is there an ‘all about me’ kind of conversation! I like to think…”I give to you and you give to me” in the conversation…it is reciprocal! A good listener can be a real friend!
Well, have fun with the condo ladies ,Mg, perhaps your new best friend will be among them!
xo’s
Wonderful Post with great insight. I’ve lacked confidence all of my life. Socially I’ve been a mess, as I’ve always felt like I have nothing worthy to say or that no one wants to listen to me; and that is a dreadful feeling to have!! Age has given me more confidence, and I’ve only ever had the courage to be confident when I was in my area of educational expertise.
You really hit the nail on the head with your comments. I think that we just have to know that all of us have worth, regardless of who we see in the mirror, as it may not be the perception that others see. I once heard someone say that you just have to keep telling people who you are or keep bluffing to be the person that you want to be until everyone believes that you are and pretty soon you’ll be that person. I don’t mean to take this to the extreme by falsifying your identity, but merely saying that you are a great public speaker and then proving yourself to be one can make it happen. I did watch a person do this, and the next thing you knew they had a job as a guest speaker on a National Tour!
I can relate to where you are at, and I too am looking to get my mojo back soon! I just say to myself that I’ve survived many crisis in my past and that this phase too shall not last.
WEll Beagle Girl, let’s toast to getting our “mojo” back soon. Thanks for your insight.
Yours.