I am so inspired by posts, such as today’s post on leaving marriage: courageous or stupid by Patricia Boswell. I am stuck in a long-term marriage and am pretty certain I need out. He’s changed a lot to remedy our problems, but I am afraid too much damage has been done.
I’d love feedback from the wise community here (the divorce report was helpful) on 2 questions:
1. Has anyone ever found the sexual attraction again after it’s gone?
2. Have your adult kids been ok, if you’ve left a long-term marriage?
Thanks for any input, to help dynamite me from this dilemma, one way or another!
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I am eager to join this conversation because I have been passionate about expanding housing/lifestyle options for midlife and older women for what seems like years! I even wrote a book because I hoped that it would be a "calling card" to inspire wome
Free2B,
To be real upfront about the whole ‘sex thing’…I think that most (not all!) long term marriages cool way down in the ‘hot sex’ department. Quite often, if we can rekindle affection, cuddling, sharing intimate conversations, spending real quality time together, that will go a long way to heal a marriage. Being good friends is so important in marriage and this is often what is lost…very sad.
Remember those days when there was laughter and fun…when our guy walked into the room, it kind of lit up! I think this feeling can be re-kindled, but it takes creativity and work!
Having said all of this, in answer to your second question…I was divorced when my children were adults (24 & 26) and the first two or three years were painful, for everybody. Eventually, they realized that I was no longer “mommy” and that I was an individual who had dreams! We got to know one another, as adults, and learned to interact on a different level. My older son even wrote me a letter saying that, “It will be fun getting to know you through adult’s eyes!”. I still mommy them a bit, but does that ever end?
I have been remarried for fifteen years, now (yes, I’m pretty old-Ha!) and remain good friends with my Ex. My second marriage is a good one, but all marriages takes work!
If your hubby has been working to make changes, that says a whole lot for him! So many men fall into stony silence and let the little wife figure it out!
I hope you get lots of great replies!
I’ve been divorced, twice, so I understand that sometimes divorce is the next step in a relationship. However, I also believe that sometimes we just need a break from one another – to clear our minds, reset expectations, set long-term goals, look at our partner with the clear eyes of reality about them, and ourselves. It sounds like he is trying. Are you? Do you have anything left to give to him? You deserve a loving relationship, and so does he.
Thinking about your marriage in terms of words like “stuck” and “dynamite” will reenforce the negatives about your husband and your relationship. Are there things you like about your husband? Your marriage? Maybe it would be helpful to take a break from one another by having one of you move to a different house. Have the space, time, and freedom to think with a clear mind. You may decide that divorce is the next step in your relationship. Or, you may both decide to recreate a new relationship.
I’m in a 14 year “Living Apart Together” relationship. We are in a loving, monogamous relationship and live in separate houses. There are thousands of couples, single and married, who chose to maintain separate houses and remain in love. My point in sharing this is that we so often think we have only 2 choices “this or that” when in fact there are a wide range of options that may meet our needs.
I wish you love and peace as you struggle with this difficult decision.
I believe that I have posted on this topic before. I have been married for 30 years to a man who is emotionally vacant. I realized this very early in the game and made the decision that having the “home and hearth”was very important to me. We had a good life: my husband did well in his career,and we had two children. I can honestly say that I devoted my life to feathering the nest and making a comfortable place for my family. I yearned for a bit more in my own life. I would have liked to have worked but put my family first.
These days I have one child who recently graduated college, and the other is a sophomore at a very good school. We have all the accoutrements of a successful life: a stock portfolio and a vacation house. The boys are out of the house, and I am as lonely as ever.
Things got REALLY bad when my husband retired three years ago. He never had any hobbies or outside interests ( other than me). I knew the situation would become almost intolerable. He spends a good part of his day watching television. He visits doctors like crazy with all sorts of phantom ailments.
I have been in therapy for three years, trying to figure it all out. Our sex life ( which was never great) is almost non-existent. In addition to everything else my husband is one of the coldest people on the planet. He had not kissed me in years.
I stumbled into an affair two years ago. I fell passionately in love. The person said he was in love with me, too, and held on to hope that I would leave my husband. There are too many details to discuss here, but suffice to say that while the sex was mind blowing ( and he was all the things my husband was not: passionate, creative, full of life) there were obstacles. He was a struggling musician ( deeply in debt) and lived 300 miles away.
Those two years were like living in a blender. I weighed both sides every breathing moment of my life. My therapist actually encouraged me to leave my husband and take a leap of faith with my lover. Ultimately, I just could not summon up the courage to walk away from the security of my 30 year marriage.
My lover? He got himself a new girlfriend ( age 26; he is 58!!) While I can’t blame him…he waited very patiently, but it broke my heart all the same.
So…I am in the same place, emotionally, with the same problem.
Good luck to you…maybe we can help each other!
ethereal dancer,
So many of the posts on this site are filled with emotion and yours certainly is one of them! I found myself holding my breath as I read the abbreviated account of your life! Oh, wow!
I want to commend you for “feathering the nest” , loving the home and the hearth and caring so much for your family! We certainly could use more of that in this world!
You mention how “emotionally vacant” your husband is and I was struck by how similar those words were to when a friend of mine described her hubby. As it turned out he was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome! Like your husband he excelled at work, but when it came to the emotional realm, he was completely lost!
This is a personality disorder that is very common, especially in men, and can be treated. I think when it is understood that a person is not “cold” on purpose, but is completely in the dark…not really knowing HOW to be emotionally close…it often runs in families.
A great book on the subject is: “22 Things a Woman Must Know if she ‘Loves’ a Man With Asperger’s Syndrome” by Rudy Simone. I hope you will check this book out. You may be very surprised that you have been dealing with Asperger’s all of these years. By the way, there are people with everything from mild to severe cases.
As you already know, you are not alone in your “aloneness”. We are all ‘out here’ struggling with one thing or another!
Sending a hug!
Wow, my long term marriage ended after 26 years with children 16 and 19. It has now been 10 long years and my children are fine and grown. I don’t communicate with my ex and actually have only seen him at 3 functions during that time. I think the most important thing to remember is to ‘find yourself’. Realise that you can do it and that you are important and also love yourself. Although I have had many dates and short dating times, I am not going to get into a relationship and be a BTA (Better Than Alone) person. That is where ‘love yourself and you are important’ comes in. I am not saying that it hasn’t been hard EMOTIONALLY and FINANCIALLY and the critics come out of the woodwork. In fact, my sister said she couldn’t understand as he didn’t beat me. Oh dear sister, you don’t have to have outside bruises to leave, emotional is enough. Actually, my ex said he didn’t love me and wanted to live together as friends after 26 years……..wow, thanks alot buddy! I don’t know how you gals feel, but it’s not for me. I think the reason is because I did love him and that is why I couldn’t do it. If both parties don’t love each other, maybe living together can work. But again, living alone isn’t the worst thing that happens in life. There are many of us out there. Take care all and keep smiling.
Wow, ethereal dancer I so relate. I have been married for over 35 years. We married too young for the wrong reasons but we didn’t start a family for many years due to job transfers(him). He is a good father, and a devoted husband. But he is THE most boring man on earth. It is all about work…well I work full time too but I am still doing the cooking, cleaning and child rearing (although the oldest has since moved out, couldn’t stand the negativity from his father) my husband’s work has always had centre stage, he spends hours in his office. We never go out on a ‘date’ (Costco is NOT a date!) We have the money to do weekend trips, materially we have it all! But there is no emotional connection (not sure if there ever was) he wants sex all the time and I am really not interested. After 55 I changed so much and I am growing less tolerant. Three years ago I met a man who does not live in my town but comes to visit as often as he can. Guess what? We have never had sex! He has erectile dysfunction which we are working on. But the emotional connection is unbelievable. We are both interested (and active in) theatre, music, art etc. we love to talk about food and history and all sorts of topics.
He is older, foreign born a tad over weight and would never be mistaken for George Clooney! We love each other very much although we have had our ups and downs. After every ‘down’ we ask ourselves “is my life better with her/him in it or would it be better if he/she was nor part of my world.” we always say ” better with!”
He is single but has a son (20) and he is patiently waiting for me to make my move. Why? Because we know we are meant to be together…4 years ago I really tried to ignite the spark with my husband but it takes two to tango. I realized that, in his mind, as long as we were having sex our relationship was fine. He is blind to everything else. The idea of being with him when he retires is mind numbing to say the least ( I have 5 years to go, he wants to retire ASAP) this guy will sit on the couch or lie in bed with his computer and not even walk the dog and he will complain. I have a great job and can afford to live on my own. ( heck, I’m pretty much doing it now, we are more like tenants in this big house but hey everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage..the award goes to…)
In fact my friend wants me to live by myself. He knows that once I am on my
own there is a risk that perhaps I’ll want other lovers (or even go back to my husband) but he is willing to take that risk. He tells me that I need to love myself first, when I go to him he wants me to be a complete woman, one that knows what she wants and who she wants to share her life with. That is real love, the kind worth waiting for, the kind worth sacrificing for.
Ethereal dancer, do not regret giving up your lover and remaining where you are the Universe always knows what is best for us. Not saying that your marriage is what is best but maybe you need to have time to take stock of your situation. Maybe you need to live as a ‘ free’ woman, on your own before you decide to leave your marriage permanently. A separation could be a gret idea. You need to decide if your happiness and well being is worth it. A separation does not mean divorce, just living apart to sort yourself out. If your husband really loves you he will let you go, knowing that IF it is meant to be you will be back, a complete woman. Good luck to you and Free2be. And me too! Hugs all around.<3
Thank you, all, for your comments! I love the openness and support I feel through these posts. And so much of what you all have written is right on target. I am bored, I have little left to give, I see us retired together and my eyes just cross with boredom at the lack of conversation and emotional connection.
I would love to try a separation, but so far he has refused, saying “I won’t bankroll your midlife crisis.” In his best moments, he acts like he really gets that his neglect, temper, and workaholic style wrecked the marriage and tainted any feelings I did have for him. At neutral moments, I see that, even though his intentions are good, he really does not know how to do differently. And in his angry moments, he just blames me for being a person who gets bored easily. I think we might really be okay if he’d buy a “living apart” relationship, as Sidney suggested. But so far, he’s not agreeing to that.
Thanks for the input–keep it coming, if you have more ideas, because it’s not over yet and I DO appreciate the input.
Hi Free2Be Do you have a job? Could you support yourself? Do you have kids at home that need you? You do not need your husband’s permission to move out! I would not expect him to “bankroll” you either. Could you live with a friend or relative for a few months? He is NOT the boss of you. Maybe a little less of you around the homestead is what your relationship needs…he might think about how much he really wants you and start making real improvements…also have you tried couples counseling? If he won’t go then you should, whether you leave or stay. Good Luck.
How I wish we could all get together for drinks and dinner and talk forever! Of course I can relate to everyone of you. Let me answer a few questions. Evie: my husband does not have Asperger’s Syndrome. I am certain he has some sort of personality disorder ( my guess would be a reaction formation to having grown up with a very cold mother and abusive father). The situation became really, really bad when he retired ( 3 years ago). I never thought a bad situation could get worse but it certainly did. Believe it or not, I can actually understand and appreciate that he spent 39 years working diligently to be a good provider and DOES deserve to rest. But, in addition to being cold and detached, we are operating at different speeds. I have a great deal of energy, and he is absolutely going in reverse. He has no interests, other than going to the doctor with a plethora of phantom illnesses. At last count he is taking 7 prescription medications.
I have been accepted to graduate school and am planning to attend in September. Suffice to say that there were many heated discussions surrounding my decision, but I dug my heels in and insisted that I was going! ( It means an outlay of $50,000). My husband takes every opportunity to tell me that I will never get a job at age 62 ( when I graduate) but I will not be disuaded. I have taken some control over my future and decided that I have to carve out a life for myself whether or not I am in the marriage.
Let’s keep this conversation going!!
Oh, I so wish I could surround myself with you all for drinks, dinner, and honest conversation and support, as Ethereal dancer suggests!
Yes, Anonymous, I have a job. I’m a professional woman and make an okay living–which he downgrades because it’s only about a third of what he makes. (No health insurance, though, because I’m self-employed! Which is another whole issue/problem.) I guess I need to think harder about the “where else could I live” question, but my job is here and here I have to stay for awhile. NO family in town. NO single friends, for that matter–which makes this even harder, I think. Daughters are grown and on own, not in town either.
We have tried couples counseling–twice. In fact, I have to run off in a minute to another appointment, the second with a new therapist. With little positive result so far. I think I’m about where you are, Ethereal dancer, seeing his flaws so clearly and pretty certain he can’t do anything else different. To stay, I have to accept him as he is (lacking in skills at conversation and emotional connection), with me having no physical attraction to him and not interested in spending much time with him, as a result. That would mean spending the rest of my life (or his) getting all my needs for intellectual and emotional connection met elsewhere (which I have lots of female friends for) but be secure financially, taken care of if I were sick, and not wreck any holiday traditions or upset our daughters.
There is such a funny mix of attitudes toward divorce in our culture: people say “oh, how sad” when someone divorces after 30 years, when it could be the best thing that ever happens. And I can absolutely look at both sides and see I can be thrilled about leaving at the same time that I never wanted to end up single in my mid 50s. That’s why I WISH I could feel differently about him–sexually, and emotionally–which led to my first question about getting those feelings back. But I think I see him, and the situation, too clearly to imagine how it might change.
Just can’t see how it can be okay, either way. There are such costs of either choice.
And re-reading that, don’t worry about my mental health. I’m not suicidal or anything near that, just frustrated with the muddle in my head.
Then,my dear ladies, we must ask ourselves this question: Is my life better with him in it or not.? You must answer the question very honestly. What holds the three of us is fear. Fear of what others will say, fear of hurting our children, fear of being alone, fear of being poor. It can take time to get your head around those fears. It helps to have friends to share the fear with, to discuss the ins and outs of navigating this difficult yet exciting time!
I reply very timidly because I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Been married 20 yrs. Ron is a good guy, but he has some real issues when it comes to his own fears and the way he expresses it is always about me wanting to leave him…guess what, after hearing it every single time we argue about anything, I’m getting to that point.
I am sick of soothing his ego and the worst thing about all this is that we are about to retire early and go to Italy (it has been planned for years, we just have to sell the house in this crappy market)…..but seeing how he reacts to being sick, and he has been sick a lot lately, I see myself doing nothing but taking care of him. Now I know the marriage vows…so maybe I’m being selfish? I just don’t know what to do. Been down the therapy road, maybe I’ll try it again, but I’m just so confused. When is it time to say enough? and btw, he isn’t usually abusive, but being sick has made him different.
I have been away from VN for awhile, due to a busy schedule, and I’ve really missed this “sisterhood”! Threads, like this one, are a fine example of how women reach out to help one another, generously offering their advice and heartfelt wisdom. We may not have all the answers, but the support and understanding is just amazing!
By the time we reach our fifties, sixties, plus, we have a lot of life experiences and marriage/divorce discussions seem to be at the top of our lists.
To leave or to stay is a question that is asked often. Many years of hurting accumulates until some of us leave our partners and then their are those of us who stay…for a variety of reasons. It is a struggle, regardless of the decision, so we can be grateful that we have one another to “talk” to!
Some of the posts are so heart rendering and when I read these excellent replies, I am reminded how fortunate we are to be, well, women!
Unfortunately, many of our men cannot open up like we do and therein lies a lot of the problem.
Amen Evie, amen. So many questions and so few people to discuss the situation with. Glad this forum is here for us.
Anonymous poses the question, ” Is my life better with him or without him?” I have been pondering this question for a few days now, and realize something: there is no black or white answer. Some parts of my life are absolutely better: I am financially secure, have great health insurance, and a modicum of companionship ( I have a very large and scary 200 year old house…sometimes it’s nice to have someone here during a thunderstorm!) If I were “without him” I would have a chance to find happiness in the form of a relationship that would ( hopefully) include some affection, emotional intimacy, and good sex!)
There are no easy answers. I swing back and forth like some crazed pendulum. I do know that I made a very concerted effort to hang tough while my kids were growing up. I was a child of divorce in the 1960′s. After my parents divorced ( after 21 years of marriage) my life was never the same. I vowed to never put my kids through that hell. And it was hell.
So…my kids are grown, relatively speaking. Although they would be upset the ensuing result would not be as disastrous as if they were living at home. At least this is not a deciding factor in my making a decision.
The real truth of the matter is that I am afraid to make a decision and have it be the wrong decision. So, for now, I am in a holding pattern having the occasional daydream about what it would be like to be swept up in someone’s arms and see my future in their eyes.
Love you all!
Free2be: In answer to your original question – Has anyone ever found the sexual attraction after it’s gone – I say a resounding Yes! I am in my second marriage for the long haul, going on 25 years. We are committed to each other. There have been peaks and valleys. There have been times when I couldn’t stand my husband, and wanted to leave because of issues. There have been times when I adore my husband. Mostly everyday life is in between. I appreciate and love my husband for supporting our family diligently, no small task! And he supports me in whatever endeavor I want to do. I try and remember these things and be grateful. He wants me to be happy. This includes sexually happy. This is a biggie.
There has to be a lot of give and take in a good marriage. Commitment to each other. It has been helpful for me to develop outside interests, like hiking, crafting, whatever…to satisfy my needs for….more, and different.
My husband is quiet and doesn’t talk as much as I’d like. I’ve had to learn to be less emotional, less verbal, more quiet and compassionate. I take an interest in his work affairs, and promote his outside interests, like family history. He’s a TV watcher and I’m not, would rather read, but I’ve learned to compromise by watching a few shows with him, as he likes this.
I really don’t think there are any perfect pairs. I think 2 different people have to learn to live together and love each other no matter what: Love is a daily decision. Our positive attitudes toward each other are rewarded with harmony in our home, peace and true love and respect for each other.
Well, ethereal, your post has prompted me to share, I hope a not too lengthy reply…about my own divorce and re-marriage. I did what some of you are contemplating…I left my long term marriage! It was an agonizing decision and I was scared to death!
I was married to my Ex for 29 years and have been re-married for 15…this makes me sound/feel ancient!
My sons were 24 and 26 when we announced that we were going to “separate”. Even at that age, they were devastated! We decide that telling them that we were separating would soften the blow. We knew that “divorce” would cause them to totally freak!
It’s a long, long, story to go into all of the ‘why’s and wherefores’ as to why we decided to divorce. In many ways, we fell under the “empty nest syndrome” umbrella…big empty house and living like a couple of irritable siblings. We had been married long enough to even look alike…scary!
There were no affairs in our marriage. We had both worked hard to create a loving atmosphere for our ‘boys’. Many folks called us the “Beaver Cleaver family”! He worked in the corporate environment, giving his life blood (!), and I worked keeping everything running smoothly, at home.
Now, to skip ahead a bit! The actual divorce was shattering and left us both feeling like an arm had been amputated! He was VERY fair and quite the gentleman throughout that horrible time. In some ways, that made it even harder!
The first few weeks in my new little condo, felt stranger than strange! I was single, OMG! It didn’t feel good! Even though I had gotten a part time job, as a front desk receptionist, my life at home, was sooo lonely!
In time, I settled in and adjusted, but missed so many things about my ‘old life’. No longer being a “Mrs. So and so” left me feeling vulnerable in too many ways to describe. Even the repairmen, that came to do the ‘fix it’ things around the condo, seemed to look around for ‘the man of the house’! I installed deadbolts! Ugh. Just remembering those days makes my stomach turn over. I wasn’t good at being single!
Many of our old friends lived out of state and my sons lived far away, as well. This added to my feeling of being alone. All I had was my little blind and deaf poodle, Inky! The two of us were a pathetic pair! For the first time in my life, depression descended on me…a light had gone out!
To skip ahead, again! I had joined a book club and had met some new friends. It was an ‘interesting’ experience stepping out on my own, no arm to link mine through, an empty chair next to mine…talk about “a bump on a log”! One day, a tall, dark and very handsome guy, joined our group. He was the “strong silent type”, but seemed sweet. His comments, on the latest book we were reading, were insightful and fascinating! Wow! Several of the single ladies had their radars up for this newly divorced knock out! Lol I was a lot older, ‘chubby’, and scared, so no radar, but I had my thoughts!
A year or so later, I had lost weight, had my hair highlighted, a new wardrobe, a partial face lift (talk about scary!) and I also had a new confidence! Meanwhile, the book club was still humming along and we had all become closer friends. I was STUNNED when Mr. Wonderful asked me out on a dinner date! The age difference (nine years +) didn’t seem to make a difference to him. Well, from that first date, we were madly in love! It seems that we totally matched from everything to great, unending conversation, to an overwhelming physical attraction! Oh, wow! Amazing months passed and we became inseparable!
We were married on a beautiful sunny beach in South Florida, on Christmas Day! I was the happiest woman alive…I’m sure of it! I had married my prince charming!! Every love song that I had ever heard made total sense to me! Although I had loved my Ex, I was “in love’ for the first time…I am sure of that!
Have any of you heard the expression that “When you marry your prince, you don’t realize you have to clean up after his horse, as well!” LOl Well, he had a BIG HORSE! I knew that he wasn’t the neatest guy and my star struck eyes couldn’t see the piles strewn around his apartment. I know, how does Mrs. Cleaver miss such a thing! In time, I was throwing his ‘stuff’ in any empty container I could find…just to make a path! All doors, drawers, and cabinets were left hanging open…I always knew where ‘my prince’ had been in our house! He left a trail of havoc! A new hubby and much different problems!
Fifteen years later! I have managed to ‘control’ the messes, not without some arguments! We have settled into a comfortable marriage, but it has taken work. I don’t have some of the great qualities, in him, that I had in my Ex (I never picked up a sock after my first husband), but I am still in love. We work at our marriage and he is willing to learn and grow together. I think this is the quality that I love most about him! We have just signed up for a week end, in a couples group, about “Getting the Love You Want”. I’ll let y’all know how it goes!
I think most marriage require WORK and a lot of forgiveness! There may be Mr. Perfect out there, but that’s a rare find, I’m sure. When we re-marry, we inherit a whole new set of ‘problems’, so if you decide to go that route, be prepared! Even his ‘grown kids’, my new in laws, well all of it, can bring on major headaches!
I hope I haven’t bored you all to death! I just thought this might give you some thoughts to consider!
BTW, my Ex and I are still good friends and he comes to many of our family gatherings. My sons are so pleased to see us laughing and enjoying these times together. He has never remarried.
I send you all encouraging hugs!!
Evie,
Thank you for sharing your story. It was real in terms of sharing the joys and challenges of an old or new relaitonship. The piece I found most inspiring is that when you loved yourself you found love. That’s a lesson all women need to remember.
Carpe Diem!
Photogirl,
Our posts must have passed in cyber-space! I enjoyed and “ditto” much of what you have written! We are a great group!
Evie-
I enjoyed your story. It wasn’t too long. You had a lot of important things to say. I TOTALLY agree marraige requires WORK and a lot of FORGIVENESS. Any man will have his own issues we have to learn to deal with, as we have ours. That’s life. When we marry, we commit to each other for the long haul. I have to say I’ve talked with other girls who said they could have stayed with the first husband and been just as happy…. Our faith has helped a lot.
Free2Be’s question # 2 – will the adult children be ok? I have heard SO many times how adult children make life VERY difficult for new spouses… I think it is rare when adult children accept someone who is not their biological parent graciously. Just based on what I’ve heard from others.
I would recommend the book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You …” by Mira Kirshenbaum to help you evaluate your motivations for staying or leaving the relationship, and the potential consequences for any actions. Not at all judgmental, just realistic.
I was in your shoes years ago. Stayed in that situation for years. Resolved the issue basically by living apart half the time. But we still don’t have sex. And for now I live with that. I may not always choose to do so. I am, after all, only 51. But everyone has to make the choice that works for them right now. Might not work for them forever.
Couldn’t agree more about the book you recommended - Too Good to leave, Too Bad to Stay. Reading it was so enlighting and helped me clarify once and for all that it was time for me to leave my marriage. Ladies, if you are on the fence, go to amazon.com and order it today. Just reading the many reviews of the book on the site, will convince you it’s worth a read! Good luck!
When I divorced 4 years ago, after 34 years of marriage, I was sure it was what I wanted. I was deeply in love, i.e. infatuated, with a man who was the opposite of my ex and we were planning to get married. No need to go into how that turned out – NOT!
My 3 grown kids didn’t speak to me for 2 years & cut me off from the grandchildren. I still don’t know how I survived because they were my focus in life. I not only lost the security of my marriage, I also lost my identity. Family, friends and church turned their backs on me.
The love affair ended badly. We were so different & I couldn’t adapt to his frugal lifestyle after living with a successful executive and all of the accoutrements. I was absolutely lost and hopelessly out of control.
I tried online dating and met the worst of the dating pool! Self-absorbed, non-committal, sex-obsessed, immature, financially broke, liars, impostors, scam-artists – what a nightmare!!
The divorced life, for me, has been lonely. I have had many regrets. But, when I read the posts I’m reminded how emotionally empty and sad our relationship had become. He tried so hard to change and repair the damage, but I was determined to leave.
Yes, either choice, to stay or leave, is excruciatingly difficult. My ex has moved on, re-married a “friend” of mine, has a great relationship with our kids, and, in my eyes, came out on top – as usual!
It’s evident that it will take me a long time to heal from years of verbal abuse and emotional distance. I recently went through period of deep grieving over my failed marriage, which was hard but necessary.
Some days I can’t believe what has happened.
My kids have reconciled with me and I’m in a relationship with a good man now, but I have so many doubts about my ability to give and receive love. He is so good to me and has many wonderful qualities. I have to remind myself I do deserve to be loved. I’m working on forgiving myself for the past and I’m trying to look to the future, but it’s hard.
I only post this b/c I want you to get the downside of divorce. It’s about loss, sorrow, loneliness, responsibility, acceptance, realistic thinking and re-building a self-imposed, shattered existence. Maybe on another day, I can write about the positives. Not today, not for awhile………..
time4me,
What a remarkable post! Thank you for sharing your story! I’m really glad you are in a good relationship and you deserve it!
I should add that my husband and I get along pretty well in general now. We just have conflicting opinions on things like how he handles his work sometimes, things to do with the house, some things about money, some things about the kids, etc.
So is it an ideal marriage? Of coure not. But we have been together for 35 years, and married for 30. You don’t just throw that away. But my situation is different than yours. If I could not laugh with my husband, enjoy going on vacations with him, enjoy sitting and watching TV with him, or going out to dinner with him, I could not still be with him. And for someone else, no matter what fun the couple might have elsewhere, if they were not having sex, the woman might not be able to stay with the man. So every woman has to make up her own mind. I pray all women can find the wisdom and peace they need to answer this question for themselves.
This is one post that I can sure relate to and had to respond. First of all, I’m sorry that you are dealing with this, as I know how you feel. I’m going through the same thing, after 50 yrs. of marriage. In regards to your first question, my only answer would be, you would both have to want it and be in counseling and be willing to really work at it. My husband had a 3 yr. emotional affair, even though they went off on two weekends together during that time. We got married at 18, had never been with anyone else and even though he wanted to be with her to have fun together on those weekends, that was one step he didn’t want to go to. I had him take two lie detector tests to see if he did have sex with her, most of it showed that he couldn’t have, but my doubts have to do with, he didn’t because he wasn’t able to if you get what I mean? I am trying to make this story short as possible, as it’s complicated. We had been married 26 yrs. when the other woman’s husband sent me the love letters my husband had written on her birthday cards. That’s how I found out and to say that I was in shock was an understatement. I thought we had the perfect marriage, I loved my husband so much and felt the same from him, unless he had drank to much occasionally along with he liked to control everything. I went through, he went also but really didn’t participate in therapy for 5 yrs. I never got any answers from him about the affair and actually saw the other woman twice to try and get information. Point being, is he was always defensive about the affair, lied about everything and I was basically in shock and played the victim role for quite a while. I almost took my life twice, but I didn’t want to do that to our 3 children and 2 grandsons. I finally after 5 hellish years decided to forgive and love him again. I was 43 at the time and regret that to this day. I so wish I had divorced him, made him leave after he continued to lie to me and I don’t know why I didn’t. The only thing that kept me going the next 15 yrs. or so was our 6 grandchildren. I put a lot of myself into loving them, getting on with life. Still had issues with his drinking and control, but after so many years together tried to just keep our family together. Fast forward to 4 yrs. ago and that’s when my husband started not paying much attention to me, very irritable and I started wondering if another affair was going on, but it wasn’t. He had retired 10 yrs. before and those first couple years were not easy either. So, now I’m with a husband who has no patience with my back pain, due to a slip and fall, not making love but every few months and not their for me emotionally. I started thinking, why did I stay in this marriage, I’m now 64 and wasted all these years on someone who doesn’t appreciate me, I don’t feel special with him, he is selfish and controlling. I started drawing away from him, due to his behavior, I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I couldn’t even say the words, “I love you” to him and haven’t in over 4 yrs. I basically fell out of love with him and now I don’t feel anything anymore. I’ve tried counseling, we’ve been together a couple times, but I can’t get what kind of man I’ve been married to for 50 yrs. I did all the giving and he did all the taking, so I question if he even knows what the word LOVE means??? I have been through so much, hurt, an affair, which still makes me sick to my stomach and now I think I am going through PTSD, because I never faced the fact that he betrayed me. I stayed in a marriage that I had told myself if that ever happened to me, he was out the door. But he lied to me and told me that it only lasted a year and all they did was go out to lunch, I was in such a state of shock, my mind couldn’t even go there. I’m sorry I got off the subject, but I guess what I am trying to say is, it’s according to what your marriage has been through if you can get the love and sexual attraction back? My husband is now trying for the first time to work on our marriage, he stopped drinking Christmas, after he had drank to much again. He’s not as controlling, but yet he won’t answer my questions that he never answered about the affair as he feels that we should put the past in the past and live for today. I can’t do that, the questions and pictures of them being together is killing me inside. He says that he has blocked the memories out of his mind, as he can’t even believe that he did that back then. I remind him that he had 3 yrs. to stop the affair, every time he came home and saw me, how could he look me in the face, make love and be able to live with himself. We have totally grown apart sexually, he now and has had issues this past year with ED, due to a prostrate problem, Viagra nothing works. So even if we try and connect, which is getting even harder for me, due to the pictures of them and not knowing if they did have sex or not is stopping everything for me. I have told him and he knows this, if he had sex with her or attempted to the marriage is over and I mean that. It’s hard enough even dealing with his betrayal, I can’t deal with him having sex with her, that is to much. I don’t know where any of this will end up with me. But for you, in regards to love in a long term marriage, I know a lot of couple’s they are still in love and yes the sexual attraction might not be as exciting as it was years ago, but with love and dedication to each other, I think it can be. In regards to adult children, ours have seen the strain, they just don’t know how bad it is. But they have told me, that if we can’t work it out, it’s better that we go our separate ways so that we both aren’t so miserable. I think adult children just want their parents to be happy. I think the one thing that hurts me so much is how our 6 grandchildren are going to feel. They love both of us very much and would be very hurt if we divorced and if they even knew about the affair, it would be awful for them. That is something that all of them have expressed contempt about when the subject has come up. I wish you the best and hope that something I have said was of some help to you. Sorry, it was so long.
From all these posts and the others I have read it seems the women who feel they have made the right choice are those who have been married to men who they would describe as “not a bad guy” and these ladies have initiated the separation.
The ladies with ‘an axe to grind’ whether they started the divorce proceedings or not seem to be the saddest.
I think we can all have sympathy for a woman who walks out on an abusive marriage or a philanderer or an alcoholic. But what about the woman who calls it a day on a so-so relationship? Nothing bad maybe not even any ‘dust ups’ over a long time span. Just the fact she awoke one morning and decided she didn’t want to be married any more.
This is the woman, like myself, who I find interesting. This is truly the modern woman because we have never existed before in history. Can you name me a time in the past when a woman who has been married for 35 years could have considered ending that relationship because she wanted to move on? No way! Once you were shackled together the key was thrown away. Anyway, who had sympathy for a woman who would ‘throw it all away’?
The world is changing. A few years ago a Canadian news magazine opined that in the near future we could expect to have 2-3 partners in our lives. A ‘starter’ partner, someone you would live with early on but probably not marry.
A ‘child rearing partner’ whom you would likely marry and spend maybe 20-25 years with. Then a third partner whom you may or may not marry but you would spend the rest of your life with. Now there were various combinations within the examples ie you might have two or three starter partners and have kids and spend the rest of your life with the same partner. Or you might do it all with the same person! The bottom line is that we will live longer than ever so is it reasonable that we will stay with the same person for 60 or 70 or 80 years? Are the qualities we found so hot and exciting at 20 still going to enthrall us at 60? Maybe so if both parties have grown together. But we know that is not always the case. A man who has been a good provider may want to spend his later years doin’ nothin’ while his wife may see this time as an opportunity to travel and meet new people, to explore new interests. For a lot of couples living separate but still together lives works. As long as they remain committed to each other. On the other hand what if she meets someone who shares her interests or he meets someone who likes to just hang around? (truth be told she is more likely to meet someone as he doesn’t go out that much…)
If I had a daughter, but I’ll share it with my sons, my advice would be DO NOT MARRY UNTIL YOU ARE THIRTY. Have a couple of those ‘starter’ relationships to figure out what you want in a partner. Hopefully the one you settle down with will be for life but if he isn’t it’s not the end of the world. If you do leave him, you don’t leave for another man. No, you leave him for a woman. You.
I think if all the woman on these posts left their spouses for that ‘other’ woman they would be leaving for the right reasons. They would be leaving for their greatest love, themselves. If they do decide to return to the spousal bed it won’t be out of desperation but because this is what they truly want.
If I was a man and my wife left me but wanted to reconcile I would want to know that she was doing it not only because she loves me but because she truly loves herself. A woman who loves herself will survive regardless because she KNOWS that her decision is the right one for her after 4 or 40 years of marriage.
We are lucky to live in these times, lucky to have the choice.
Anonymous, I’m not staying in the marriage because of the children or grandchildren, I just brought that up to point out how surprised they would be if they knew what their grandfather had done before any of them were born, 27 yrs. ago. The oldest are twins, 24 yrs. old, youngest is 8, now that any of that matters. I am trying to figure out how all of this could go so down hill in the past 4 years? I know his hormones could have been out of whack, that is a fact, but he should have checked into it, not wait for me to bring it up. He still was cruel to me sometimes, especially after his 3rd. glass of wine every night. We lost a fortune in the stock market, this all happened at about the same time, as everyone else did, so it was half of our retirement that was gone, so money has always been important to him, more than me and that affected him. I had 5 slip and falls in 10 yrs. that were all accidents, not from drinking or drugs, as I don’t do either. I played 35 yrs. of competitive tennis and never fell on the court, just accidents. He doesn’t do well with people who aren’t healthy or cramp his style, like it affected a lot of vacations we went on, as my back would go out, I would have to go to Urgent care, etc. and then take pain pills for the rest of the vacation, but I didn’t let that stop me from having fun, he just had no patience or sympathy for me when it would happen. So, i have two issues, still trying to find the right therapist to tell me what is going on, why am I evaluating my life now, when I did forgive him and we had a decent life for over 15 years after the affair? He’s working very hard to save our marriage, has given up drinking totally, but I can’t seem to get my feelings back from him and they were there 3 yrs. ago. I don’t know if I fell out of love due to how he treated or didn’t treat me? The second big, big issue is I still don’t know if he is telling the truth about the affair? Did he or did he not have sex with her on those two weekends? Did he not do it because he had never been with someone else and the guilt wouldn’t let him add that to the affair? He wasn’t comfortable even being in bed with her, so I asked him why didn’t he sleep in the other bed if that was the case? He told me that it would make him seem even less than a man if he did that! Did he not have sex because he wasn’t “ABLE TO?” I need to know the answers to these questions, because I will get a divorce if he did have sex with her or even attempted to. Did the affair end when he said it did? According to the letter the other woman’s ex-husband sent me, the affair was still going on, but I could find any proof of it in all the receipts that I found. Why would the ex-husband tell me that it was still going on if it wasn’t, he had no reason to make it up? He was going to divorce his wife anyway, as they had a troubled marriage and after the affair he wasn’t going to put up with anything else. I want to find this man and I think I know where he lives and see if he has any proof that it was still going on and if he does, than that would explain why she agreed to talk to me a few times, meet me, etc., as I think they were trying to coordinate their stories, as my husband already knew that I would divorce him if I knew that their had been any sex. It took me a year of lies from him and me searching receipts to even find out that it was a three yr. affair, with 2 or 3 weekends involved. He would never tell me the truth and even with the 2 lie detector tests that I had him take, two answers came out inconclusive and one had to do with sex. I want him to take another lie detector test, from one of the best in the business to see if he is still lying to me and if he is, that is it. I can’t live the rest of my life with a man that is still keeping secrets from me, I just won’t do it. But, he doesn’t want to take another one, so I don’t know what to do? I told him since he has so much trouble remembering even where we lived when I found out about the affair and threw the love letter’s on the bed, that how do I know that the affair was over if he can’t even remember that? That would add another year to this 3 yr. affair, but worst of all, he can still look me in the eye and say that he is telling me the truth? It’s so hard for me to invision him in bed with her, since we have only been with each other since we were 16 and not anyone else. That’s why he keeps telling me that it would have been to uncomfortable to have sex with some one else, since he had only ever been with me, especially since she worked for him. Heck, I would have, if I was going to the trouble to go off on a weekend with a woman I supposedly loved and from the letters I read he did have strong feelings for her. Would he have married her, No, I don’t think so. He just wanted to have fun at 40 and enjoyed the extra attention and believe me, he got more than enough at home. I couldn’t have loved him anymore than I did and was so proud of what he had done with his job and how far we had come in our life, after only starting out with $90 in our pocket and now he was a Executive Senior Vice-President of a major company. I could literally strangle him for screwing up our life. I was so much in love, even with all his faults, I still knew he loved me, even though looking back on it now, it was a selfish love that he had for me. He took and I did all the giving. So those are the two main issues and I don’t know where all this is leading, I just know at 68, I am so tired and feel like I am getting depressed again. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore and I’m tired of not smiling or laughing with him, but how could I 3 yrs. ago? Can a marriage change so quickly, those are the things I don’t understand and why is all of these things, that I had put to bed, now coming back to haunt me? Is it because I never got the answers that I wanted but thought I could live without them or trust that I knew the truth? Was it because I was to scared to make that step to leave, even though I’ve left him twice before, for a week at a time, but I don’t think that was long enough. Why didn’t he show remorse after the affairs and beg me for forgiveness, not continue to drink, dance with other woman and cause me great stress with his being defensive about everything when I questioned him about the affair. Basically what he is doing now. I just don’t understand any of this and I just want a life before I die.
I had one 6 yrs. ago, as I was singing with my 2 granddaughters and had been for 10 yrs. in all the Retirement Centers. I also sang with my piano player for 14 yrs. till he passed away from Lukemia at 61. Those are all the things that kept me busy, along with me doing things with all my grandchildren. Yes, we laughed back then, I could tell him that I loved him, so what happened to change everything? I just don’t know and I would love to.
I’m getting depressed just writing about this, have already been through 4 therapist in 18 months and still haven’t found the right one to help me. Now, I’ve got to start looking again and then go through the whole story all over again.
God help me,
Granny7
What an excellent post! I think you are right about women who have “an axe to grind” being ultimately unhappy whether it was their idea to leave or not. If we want to be happy, we need to let it go – all of it- it’s a burden to hold anger and resentment.
I left my husband 7 mos ago, and every day more sure it was the right decision. Nobody’s fault, just too much conflict, it was time to move on after 27 years. My out of nest kids were fine with it. Even if they weren’t, that’s something they would need to work through. I think it’s basically selfish for our grown kids to be angry at us for divorcing. They may need some time to adjust though…
I’m just now thinking about dating again ( although no desire to be married at this point), but the pickings are slim when you are 63 ( ha,ha). I signed up on a dating site, created a fake name, and didn’t have the guts to put my photo next to my profile. I’ve seen little action, and the guys that have responded don’t interest me. I did send a message to two guys, neither of whom have responded. I guess they see the 63 and lose interest. This is the over 50 website ( Our Time). Actually I am tall, in great shape and look like I’m in my 50′s I think, but nevertheless 63 doesn’t exactly excite men, even older men I guess.
Anyone else use a dating website? Or other ideas on how to meet interesting men after 50 or 60 ??
Chris, I am happy for you, it sounds like you made the right decision. I do want to clear up something, I didn’t have an ax to grind when I made up my mind 20 something years ago, after 5 yrs. of therapy, basically for my own sanity as he went, but wasn’t really there. We went off on a Retro weekend, one that you did to save a marriage. I decided to make a decision to forgive and love him again and that’s what I did. Even though he still wasn’t trying to make up for all the hurt he caused me. Still drank to much on occasion and still liked to control everything. I decided that I had to let it all go for my own happiness and I did. We had about 15 pretty good years together in between the affair (we were both in our early 40′s when he had it) and then it all started falling apart about 4 yrs. ago. He became distant, wasn’t loving me but about every 3 months or so and couldn’t deal with my back pain, due to some severe falls through no fault of my own. He also retired about 11 years ago and that sure wasn’t easy the first couple of years as he took over the household, I didn’t know how to do anything anymore, but heck if he wanted to do the laundry, go for it!
I do think that after the way he has treated me after I stayed after the affair, which I swore I would never do and his lack of remorse, that I am so angry that I didn’t leave him. I regret wasting all these years after the affair, where he wasn’t appreciative that I didn’t kick his butt out the door. He did lie in the first year, from the very beginning and that influenced my decision in a big way. I thought it was just for lunch’s for a yr. and I was so grateful that it hadn’t gone beyond that, but in hindsight, I should have been livid with him as he still had betrayed me. Then when I found out it was more, 3 yrs. with weekends, I still should have kicked him out. I was only 43 yrs. old, like you, looked very young for my age, kept myself in great shape, played competitive tennis and ran, so I looked pretty darn good. Now I’m 68, have put on a few lbs., not real bad, but could lose 20. Have lost a lot of my hair, thyroid issues, but it is coming back some now, so I have to wear a hair piece, which doesn’t make me feel very attractive. If I had left at 43, my chances of finding maybe a man that appreciated me would have been greater. At my age, I could care less about ever having another man in my life. I also went through stage 3 Melanoma 1 month after finding out about the affair and 18 months later, a total Hysterectomy, which I know was brought on by stress. I was in so much shock in the beginning that I almost took my life twice, only the thought of what my children would go through stopped me. He still feels since he is trying so hard now, that I should forget the past, he’s become a better man in the past 6 months, which he has, but he still does not want me asking questions about the affair, which he never answered 27 yrs. ago. We are just suppose to move on with out life and enjoy it. God, I wish I could, but the memories and thoughts and the idea that he could still be lying is what is stopping me. How can a marriage of 50 yrs. be possibly built on a lie? I can’t believe a word of what he says to me. He claims to have forgotten most of it and I’m sorry I don’t buy that. I want all the details, no matter how painful and you can’t tell me that he doesn’t remember the first time he kissed her. We had been married 23 yrs. when he had this affair. Our daughter got married during this affair and he pretty much ignored me, but of course I didn’t know anything about it at the time. We had our 25th. Anniversary, went to the Virgin Islands and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t as excited as he was to be celebrating our 25th. when we didn’t have a honeymoon when we got married. That’s because the affair had just ended or was supposedly ending or he hadn’t forgotten about her during that trip. His mind sure wasn’t on me during that time. Then we just had our 50th. this past November and I was so upset, I spent the whole day alone as we had been getting along so horrible, didn’t know if we were getting a divorce or not. So, I was so hurt and angry, as I had always envisioned that we would renew our vows on our 50th. and have a really nice wedding and reception, considering we didn’t have one when we first got married at 18. Doing that is a big mistake, I don’t care how much you think you love someone. Thank God, none of my grandchildren will do that, their college comes first, then grad school. So, he has messed up our 25th. 50th. Anniversary, our daughter’s wedding, two graduations and all the pictures of these events, plus ones that were taken during his 3 yr. affair, I want to just tear up but can’t, as our children are in them. He also was responsible for our 16 yr. old to leave home, so we missed out on her Prom and graduation. She couldn’t stand the stress in our home, so she left, ended up getting married, divorced, had three children later and at the age of 40 finally got her college degree after working and raising 3 children, she did re-marry also. So, the other two children went to college, but because of her Dad, her life was screwed up by him and she was the smartest one of all our children, IQ wise. So, to say that I am looking back and re-evaluating my life with him is an understatement and I guess that’s where the confusion comes in. Why am I doing all this soul searching now, was it due to the past 4 yrs. of his lack of compassion for my bad back or his lack of showing me love and taking me for granted after I stayed with him even after the affair. Boy do I need to find a great therapist, but that is so hard to do.
So, again, I’m just a mixed up mess and don’t know where my life is going, I just know that I’m not very happy.
Anonymous–you mentioned a couple of things that ring true in my experience. I’m in my third marriage. I remain friends with both exes, remain bonded with my (all grown) stepchildren, am close to one’s first wife and on good terms with the other’s. There are many reasons the first two marriages had limited lifespans (12 and 7 years), but absence of love was not one of them. I stayed single for 7 years after the first divorce, supporting myself through a graduate degree. I stayed single for 10 years after the second divorce. Dated occasionally both times, with one 3-year relationship in there. Loved living alone, loved meeting interesting men and dating but also being able to focus on my career and my own interests, my family, colleagues, women friends. Then met my husband and decided he and I had something worth investing in–investing myself, time, compromise, risk. He felt the same, and we married 2 years later. In our mid-50′s, we feel like we hit the jackpot. Very much in love, very good friends, mature enough to compromise when it’s appropriate, committed to bringing out the child in each other. Sex was dynamite for 2 years, and of course has cooled off–the body can only produce that euphoric state for so long–then you get to have the fun of figuring out how to regenerate the excitement. The point I would like to make is that bonding/marrying is, as you said, very different now–or it CAN be. I never felt that either marriage was worth staying in just for financial security or to prevent upsetting his kids or anyone else. And it wasn’t just me who’s happiness I was concerned for–my second husband became happier with every month of our 6 month separation, and I could see it happening. Of course we divorced! I loved him and myself too much to not want him to be happy. Was it hard? Of course! Sad? Terribly! You can’t imagine and start building a life with someone without grieving its loss. Hard, hard grief. But hurt and sad and grief are part of a full life–no person can escape loss forever. Being afraid of going through pain and grief means staying stuck in fear. Fear is a sharp-edged emotion–dangerous and debilitating. Grief passes–or at least becomes a gentle companion.
I’ve never had any kind of spousal maintenance or settlement, and certainly wasn’t earning much the first time I was single, or even a whole lot the second time. But it simply never occurred to me to stay in either former marriage for security–financial or otherwise. There are so very many things more important than maintaining a lifestyle. Spending enough time alone to know who you really are, becoming the best You that you can imagine, being self-reliant, learning how to access the daily joys that life can offer that have nothing to do with being in love or even being with any other person. We are all, ultimately, alone. It’s empowering and provides deep serenity to know that when it’s just you, or just you and whatever god you believe in, life is still an amazing adventure worth running headlong into–at any age.
Great post, anonymous! So true, we are living in very different times!
Granny7… You know sweetie it is YOUR life not your kids or your grand kids life. If you are miserable with this man then leave. Please, please don’t stay because of what the kids or grand kids may or may not think. So many lives have been ruined by people who were more worried about what so and so would think. Who cares what they think. I’ll tell you honestly that they will think highly of a woman who supports herself and her beliefs and is not a martyr to
a lost cause.
All of these posts evoke memories and show true and honest feelings and vulnerabilites.
Granny7, I would like to say to you what I say to my Eldest sister who has been married for 55 years. Her husband had one affair during their 55 yr. marriage; and even now, after all those years, she wants to throw that affair up in his face.
I have to remind her of what Dr. Phil said on one of his marriage counseling shows: If the man has tried to “repent” for his mistake and has not done it again, THEN, the wife MUST forgive. He also told the husband, that it WILL take quite a while for the Wife to gain trust again, and he will have to be/and expect to be uncomfortable for a while BUT, it CANNOT be a life sentence for the husband.
I tell my sister, that she should HAVE either LEFT HIM if she felt that she could never forgive him; OR BE QUIET…Especially if he has gravaled and walked the perverbial chalk line.
Granny7, I can still hear a HUGE amount of hurt still in your heart after all of these years. Are you upset because he did not tell you about the affair immediately after it happened, or are you just upset by the fact that it happened at all?
In a case like this, when you CANNOT forgive and continue to eat your heart out, it is best to take control of your life. Either decide to forget the past, and enjoy the present; OR leave.
You sound like you have been totally victimized and have absolutely no control of your own life.
As far as WHY you and your husband divorce, is absolutely none of your children’s business! There are some things that children need to know and there are others that they do not need to know.
I wonder if our children tell us everything that happens in their relationships! I think NOT!
YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! YOU “DO” HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR “OWN” LIFE!
I respectfully say these things because I divorced my husband of 22 yrs., with 4 children. I was married at age 18, from home to marriage. My husband was controlling, and very jealous. I must say, I was a beautiful young woman. He Didn’t even want me to speak to men friends that I grew up with! I was a full-time home maker. His Mother probably knew more about what was happening in our marriage, than I did, most of the time.
I went along for years feeling rather helpless, suffered from depression periodicly, but it never kept me from doing the things that I had to do…… would fall asleep at the drop of a hat if I sat down for any long period of time.
The thing that most of us know deep down inside, is that we have the capability to do whatever it is we must do (it’s inborn, God given). We just doubt ourselves and refuse to honestly listen to our inner voice, UNTIL, we come to a point, where we MUST make a decision to save ourselves!
The question asked previously, “Would I better with him/or would I be better without him?” is THE most profound question that one must answer. When you honestly answer that question, putting aside the finanical stuff, which is what keeps most women from honestly answering that question, because in our society COMFORT is more important than mental sanity and well-being!
The other thing regarding wanting to leave a marriage for another person, and why more than likely, that relationship does not turn out right after you divorce, is because: YOUR PRIORITES CHANGE after the divorce! You can DO, whatever you want to do! “The sky’s the limit!!” When in a marriage, you THINK that affair is what you want BECAUSE, you have no other choices!!
I can’t image still being with my ex; BECAUSE he stifled my mental, emotional and spiritual growth, which is more important to me anyday, than financiall stability!!
I got a job and did quite well. The one downside is “retirement.” If the woman has not negotiated a good retirement settlement in that divorce, and she has not worked during the entire marriage; you come out on the losing end!
(Take heed!! have your own 401K, 403B or Tax deferred savings account, even if you remain married!!)
I thank God everyday for giving me the strength and faith in myself, to make that decision!!……..And for the record, I’m NOT a divorce-minded person. I totally believe in marriage…..BUT, FOR THE “RIGHT” REASONS.
Through all of my experiences, I have learned: If I cannot/will not be true to myself, it is almost impossible to be true to anyone else! That is where your power comes from, YOUR TRUTH!!
I Love the Sister-hood! We are so strong, and with ALL the things that we do and give, we too often forget how powerful, beautiful, and Awsome we really are!
As The Lord said; We Are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made!
Peace!!
Love your post, Contessa! A lot of wisdom, here!!