My husband has had a limousine business since 2004 but he has never made much money. In 2009 he was forced to file for bankruptcy owing almost one hundred thousand on credit cards and lines of credit. Yet, even after the bankruptcy he kept his limo business going, earning just enough to keep our heads above water. We could never afford to have any savings, insurance, investments. I have not had a vacation since 1993.
Either there was no money or he didn’t have the time – one or the other. We could never go anywhere because he was always on call in case someone needed a ride. It was not so much that he did not work hard. he just did not work smart. I asked him to consider another way to make money during the times the limo service was not busy. He could not do this because, again, he was always on call.
However, he did manage to travel “back home” three or four times in order to attend family funerals and to claim his inheritance which consisted of some quite unsellable parcels of land. (if I told you where he was from you would agree that no one would be interested in purchasing land in this country! Not at this time anyway!) He usually used credit to finance his trips because he had no savings. Once he took out a line of credit in my name and took $10,000 off the top for his trip. Yes, I am still on the hook to pay off that line of credit since it is in my name.
Recently my mother passed away leaving me $500,000.
Now my husband regards me as a cash cow. He has “borrowed” $25,000 from me already so that he can buy several new limousines for his business to meet a potential upsurge in business. Now he needs more money to insure them. He has promised to pay me back as soon as he starts to make money but I have not received a penny since he borrowed the first $5,000 from me last October.
I am almost 60 years old and disabled. I am afraid that he will drain my inheritance and I will be left penniless in my old age. Obviously, I can’t depend on him for financial security.
Why do I lend him money? He knows exactly how much I have and he would blame me for ruining his business if I did not cooperate. Life would be quite intolerable.
How else can I handle this situation? I need to protect myself and my money from someone who is fiscally illiterate. I don’t think that I will see any of the money I lent him ever again. And oh yea, my mother lent him $50,000 to invest before she passed away. He gave $10,000 to his sister so she could pay off some bills. he can’t account for another $15,000 and the rest is “invested” in a foreign bank in a country where the money has lost much of its value. He would only receive about $13,000 if he were to remove the money now. It is a good thing that my mother, who scrimped and saved all her life, will never know what has happened to her legacy!
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Hi maggiemay,
Sorry you are having such a very rough spot in your life.
From what you have stated, there is no *afraid* about it. He WILL drain your inheritance. Sadly, you can count on that. It is up to you to stop the flow.
I would contact a financial advisor (and lawyer) and immediately find and set-up a protected account you can control in your name only, that blocks him from any access.
As far as why you lend him money…could life get more intolerable than it already is with someone basically sucking you financially dry without any responsibility towards addressing the debt he already owes? Stop. Say no. Let him blame whoever he wants, but protect yourself. If you don’t, HE certainly won’t.
Say NO. STOP giving him money (you aren’t really lending it to him if he refuses to pay it back.) Just STOP.
That is my brutal, gut feeling.
I wish you the very best. It has got to be horrendously stressful.
Lilly
I agree with Guilded Lily. You need to protect yourself NOW. Go see an Elder Care attorney and a Certified Financial Planner.. What you are experiencing is financial elder abuse, even if it’s coming from your spouse.
I hope your inheritance is in a separate account. Do not mingle it with any joint funds.
Find a friend or relative you can trust to help you get started with this process. I sense an urgency and you need to provide for your future care. You will likely need things like a long-term care policy to cover future health care needs.
We hope you will post again and tell us how things are going. Good luck to you!
I thank everyone who responded to my posting. My inheritance is in a separate account but that does not mean that my husband cannot pester me for money!
He is not so much greedy and a spendthrift as he is incompetent when dealing with money. Neither has he been proactive in growing his business. He has simply waited for more work to fall into his lap.
Unfortunately, he is the only person in my life, apart from my sons who are still teenagers. I have no relatives at all or even friends. We have
no friends as a couple because my husband is not interested in socializing.
So there is no one to advise me or protect my interests. I see that I will have to see a CFP and a lawyer and the inheritance will have to be tied up so that I will not be able to hand him any more money. I believe that he would like to be able to pay me back but I know that something will go wrong as it always does.
It is not easy to say “I no longer believe in you!”
MaggieMay,
I too am 60 , and
i too had a deadbeat husband which I supported for 10 years.
The best move I ever made was to dump him and move on.
Beleive me , there is a special someone out there who will treat you like you deserve.
I agree that you need to distance your money to protect yourself.
If your husband nags at you say goodbye to to the jerk!
Also the “pay you back” line is crap. He is after what you can give him and that’s it.
Money will always bring out the true colors of the people who want what you have.
Hello, I really feel for your situation and am sorry for your loss. It is such a difficult situation to be in, but you have had some great advice from people. I wish I had had all that advice about 2 or 3 years ago when I inherited a lot of money from my father’s estate. My husband has been looking for a job for about the same amount of time and I feel quite desperate now as I have give in to his demands to put money into our joint account to pay our bills and live on for so long now.
I haven’t known what to do for the best. My father didn’t give me any advice at all along with all his life savings and my husband has been a very bad manager of money ever since we got married. I too am alone with no family, my mother died when I was in my twenties and I have no siblings or extended family. I just feel so awful that I have let this happen, but we have bills to pay every month, what am I to do, let them go unpaid?
Both Guilded Lily and Robin have offered excellent advice. You do need to become involved with a reliable professional — ASAP.
It is axiomatic that when someone finds his desires thwarted there will be an intense “search for the guilty.” Assigning management of your money to a professional deflects the blame from you. A professional money manager is experienced with being the bad guy, and is equipped to assume that role, even to the point of patiently explaining to a husband how impossible it would be to draw money from investments HE/SHE (not you) has made.
By all means, find a broker who will help you tie up a significant portion of the money, leaving yourself only enough liquidity to manage comfortably (or for emergencies). This is your nest egg, not a slow intervenous drip meant to keep a limo service alive.
If it is well placed, your investment will grow and help to provide the security you’ll need as you grow older. You can also arrange for it to throw off some income, the knowledge of which you may or may not wish to share with your husband. Here’s where a professional’s discretion will help you keep your financial affairs as confidential as you’d like them to be.
I believe a brokerage house would be a good start. You may not need a lawyer, and if you do need one, your broker can refer you. Don’t pay lawyer fees if you don’t have to. And a financial advisor is the same as a broker, except that a broker is closer to the actual investment process and is equipped with the tools to help you place your investments. One important caution. If you have no ties to a broker now, be sure to go to a bank or brokerage house that is well known and wll thought of, not a lone wolf. You need accountablity, broad options, and a secure, well-integrated network.
Good luck!
Maggiemae, thanks for responding and clarifying your situation. Your line, “It’s not easy to say, ‘I no longer believe in you!’” is a message to yourself about your feelings in this relationship.
If you are socially isolated (no friends or relatives to talk to), it might be helpful to form an alliance with either a counselor or a clergy person if you belong to a church. Having an ally is important, as is exploring where your marriage is going and whether it can be improved. If I were in your situation, I would consider that a good “investment” to make.
About the money: If you don’t trust yourself to keep from giving your inheritance away, it might be good to put some of it into things that aren’t easy to get at, but move carefully on that.
I would not direct you to a broker though. Brokers only get paid if they sell you an investment with a commission and commissions can eat up alot of the income or may not be the product you need.
I think you would be better served by an investment pro who just gives advice or manages things for a small fee. That way, your interests are aligned with theirs. To paraphrase Suze Orman,–avoid hiring a financial advisor who is only selling products on commission and look for a well-trained and certified pro.
Good luck! I can see this year could be a “moving forward” year for you if you take some steps.
Here’s where the Vibrant Nation forum is strong – we sometimes dispense conflicting advice, but it’s all done in a spirit of concern for one another.
That being said, I must disagree with Robin’s sense that a broker might drain your assets by charging unsustainable commissions. I believe a good financial advisor can position you not only to retain your capital but to increase your wealth. The commissions you pay are nothing compared to what can be lost to ignorance of financial instruments and opportunities, or — in your case –pressure from a spouse.
I also disagree with my own earlier comment in which I attempted to discourage you from seeing a lawyer. What was I thinking?! You need to learn how to shelter your inheritance. At the very least, it would be important to know what rights your husband may have to your money if he becomes aggressive enough to come after it. In some jurisdictions and in some situations, your inheritance might be considered marital property, which could mean that at least 50% of what you now have is already in jeopardy.
One thing all of us agree on – you must see a profesional immediately.
I’m sorry to jump in here again, but I want to apologize for disagreeing with Robin’s advice. I did so before learning that she is a financial planner. I defer entirely to her experience and knowledge.
Sienna Jae, I can see we’re all concerned that maggiemay gets the help she needs soon. I love your comment that the Vibrant Nation forum is strong even when we dispense different information.
Many people aren’t aware of the differences between different types of financial advisors, but I was just trying to note the different approach between commission-based advisors (sales product people) vs. fee-based advisors (advice providers). There are good and bad types of both of course.
We all hope maggiemay gets good help, and soon. Thanks for your post.
I would like to chime in my two cents here to agree that the money management patterns set over the past many years with your husband are not going to change. I have a friend who is a psychotherapist whose specialty is couples and money–and he keeps telling me that the person who controls the flow of money is the person with the power. I am wondering if maybe the shift in you having the money and him having to ask you for money is a shift in the power structure of your relationship, and maybe you both are dealing with that as part of this conflict.
I also had a spouse who spent beyond what we had, and who isolated me from other relationships. I found it difficult to keep money in any secret accounts, because I would feel sorry for his predicament and bail him out with my set-aside money. I strongly agree that being able to say, “Oh, I would love to help you out, but the money is tied up by So-and-So!” is your best way to deflect the pleas to give him another infusion.
Whether a fee-based financial planner or a commission based financial planner, there are a variety of instruments that you can invest in that will give you (both) some income, and keep his hands off of it.
I used to work in a law office where clients would receive personal injury settlements of several hundred thousand dollars. The boss would pay for a consultation with a financial planner to get the client started on the path to handling the money wisely, but most clients would not go to the appointment. And most clients ran through the money in a few short years. I also knew two lottery winners, who would receive upwards of $400,000/year every year. And in both cases, the money would all gone within a few months, and they would spend the rest of year waiting for the next infusion of new money.
Please realize that unless you take some serious action, you will do like the former clients, and the lottery winners: you will have a few good years, and then the money will run out and you will be left with a lot of regrets. We are all behind you here to strengthen your resolve to do the right thing for yourself. You are not isolated without friends–you do have us! And we do care, very much, what you choose to do in this situation.
GET TO A LAWYER
1- there are plenty of lawyers that offer a free consult… just BE SURE to have all your questions written down so that you DO NOT waste time – make the most of the free half hour or hour
2-there are plenty of free financial Counseling services… for your husband
Protect yourself!!! It is obvious your ‘husband’ can’t or won’t.
NO, given he is able to “pay you back” then he can simply go to a bank and negotiate a real loan. I am sure your relatives did not give you an inheritance with the notion you would GIVE it to him. Get a lawyer and an investment consultant. Well worth the money, and “go thee hither’ before you get worn down or threatened with harm.
To do anything else is to enable an addict. And the advice to do so is only written by the addicts. Get some counselling while you are shopping for assistance.
It is WAY better to be alone With Money than to be together without Money.
I liked your last sentence very much!
He can’t borrow money from the bank due to his previous bankruptcy.
He has also remortgaged our house more than once so that we still owe
a large amount on our mortgage. He never earned much money so he counted on remortgaging the house as a primary source of income.
if I had not come into money he would be at it again!
I am also a Canadian living in Mississauga and I will certainly consider your advice to invest in real estate. If only everything
available was not so incredibly expensive!
I have another fear. Not only will her husband drain away her inheritance because he’s unable to manage money, but who will oversee this if she is unable to do it? If she is not able to manage her money herself, then the natural person is her spouse and he will spend it or fritter it away on short order. That’s his history.
She needs some legal protection and she needs to assign an advocate or guardian if she cannot care for herself.
In addition, she needs some good financial advice and protection. She loves this guy too much to be tough with him.
Thank you for your post…I had to laugh when you said that I love my husband too much! I don’t love him and I certainly can’t respect him! My life with him has not been a good one.
Why am I still with him?
I need him because I am disabled. Some things I just can’t do on my own. I have no one else, no one at all. He can make my life miserable if I don’t help him financially. I also have two teenage sons still at home.
I don’t have enough money to live on my own and hire help. Or do you think I do?
Maggiemay, you will not know the answer to your question about whether you have enough money to live on your own unless you get some advice from a pro. Again, a financial planner can help you review your situation and run the numbers to see if that’s possible. It may be.
Living with a man you don’t love, who sets a bad example for your sons, and who is starting to drain your one source of independence (money) is not fun. You have choices in this matter.
While you’re thinking about those choices, don’t lock up your money in anything (real estate, etc.) until you get some professional advice and make your decision. You may need a certain amount of liquidity (access to your money) if you decide to make a change. Good luck!
MaggieMae, I’m not sure you can afford to be married to this man. Please see what is available to you in the way of counseling, medicare, or social services. What he is doing is abuse. You may lose your home when you throw him out, but you need to do it. He’s a negative cash flow. I thought you loved him enough to want to overlook his flaws.
What state do you live in? Maybe we can help you look up the social services and such.
Hugs.
My daughter and her husband have to help support his parents because his father was identical to your husband. Had a business.lost everything, can’t handle money at all. Not a bad guy, just poor money manager.I don’t know how the real estate market is in your area,but may be, you can make some investments in real estate. Then rent it out. The rent will cover expenses ( taxes,e.t.c.) and provide you with some income in your old age. Also it will tie up the money and hopefully preserve the principal. Now, I live in Canada and it will work here,but I realize that in some of the states the housing market is unstable. In the long run though, I am convinced you can not lose . Keep everything under your name . Always. Tell your husband,the income from the properties will be for both of you and get him involved to help out. Isn’t he too old to get deeper into the limo business?? I was a banker and a financial advisor for 30 years, trust me, I’ve seen people like your husband. They have no concept of money management. Not a reflection on their personality at all. My husband was an engineer,but when it comes to money he is clueless . Thank God that he made good money and let ME manage it!!Good luck!
He sounds like my 28 year old stepson. He hasnt grown up and never will. The truth does hurt sometimes but you need to take care of just you. It sounds like he has used the marriage for his own selfish endeavors. I guess I get so upset when I see men do this.
We had to send my husband son out on the street. He wouldnt listen to rules, he spent all his money and would not help out at all. He was using us. He went out on the streets of Toronto and yes he could and did do drugs for a while and would call for money. Only when my husband said go to the shelter and food bank. No more.
He now has 2 jobs back in Alberta and knows when he calls no money or he does pay it back. I think you need to treat your husband as a child. He has no money management . If it does get to the point where he gets aggressive you will need to find your own care place.
Please get help and be strong. Perhaps this is your path to now stand on your own 2 feet and if needed say goodbye. Remember we only have this moment in time.
Im glad you have kept it seperate. Now understand that if you are not well and are disabled and you dont have a great pension to support you then you are going to need that money to keep you off the streets in desperate times.
Everyone is dead on. 1st. No more money is bled from your account until you see a lawyer 2nd. Dont dance around with him – be specific in explaining you may need this money to take care of you as he has not provided a security net for you both and you will speak to lawyer. 3rd. If he becomes intolerable, you know its only the money he wants and leave.
setting boundaries and following through may be one of the hardest things you do. I did. Its not easy but at the same time, liberating.
You do have friends here. I know this may feel superficial at times but you have your children and you probably do have 1 friend you have ignored over the years so reach out now and tell them you need them to support your decisions and your sadness.
The ladies here will also help so write often
But first things first. Explain that you cannot take any more money out of the account until you speak to a lawyer and determine what it will take to take care of yourself when your older.
Remember, if he gives you a hard time and doesnt say, I understand and good idea, leave. ALso, I hope you have a will set up with someone you trust as executor. Also have a living will so someone else is in charge of your care if you cannot – and NOT him.
good luck. I’ll be looking for your posts.