| Alone at 56 | Hot Conversation |
Yesterday my husband left me after 35 years of marriage. My mother died 3 weeks ago. My children are grown and living out of state. I am afraid. I am 56 and work daily for an hourly wage of $12. My dreams of retirement with my husband are gone. My best friend is gone.
Posted in family & relationships, work & money.
Related posts:
21 Responses
Stay in touch with the conversation. Subscribe to the RSS feed for comments on this post.
You must be logged in to post a comment.
thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he'sI used Noxzema from the time I was old enough to wash my own face, all through school and into adulthood. Then I decided it wasn't 'sophisticated' enough and went with higher priced, higher end products. About 5 years ago, I went back to I used Noxzema from the time I was old enough to wash my own face, all through school and into adulthood. Then I decided it wasn't 'sophisticated' enough and went with higher priced, higher end products. About 5 years ago, I went back to my old faithMost of the above posts are by women, and many of you seem insecure about your sexuality at your age. Please don't be! While it's true that many of us guys prefer younger women, there are some (like me) that find women over 50 much sexier.
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
I’m surprised that you can breathe and type. You must be stunned and in shock. Nothing I can say will make much difference to you now, but maybe when you look back on this time, you’ll remember that there were lots of us on VN who reached out to you with love and understanding and empathy. We will all tell you that you will be fine. It is going to be very rough for a while, but you WILL be fine. We all are, and many of us have been more or less right where you are now.
There is one piece of indispensible advice: get a good lawyer, get her now, and get whatever money is in joint accounts locked up now. Right now. Don’t wait until you feel up to getting dressed and combing your hair. Go. Now. Whatever retirement he has planned should not be financed at your expense. Get legal advice right now. Good advice. Get a recommendation for a good divorce attorney and go. Do not trust your husband for one more moment, as the rest of your life depends on it. Your fears can be mitigated a bit by taking control of whatever money there is.
Then the more prosaic advice: eat right, exercise, try to get some sleep. Don’t drink any more than you absolutely have to. Be kind to yourself. Know that we are legion, we understand, and we are with you.
thank you. If not for lexapro, wellbutrin and ativan I would be curled in fetal position yaaking dry heaves. As it is, the dry heaves only come a few times a day. I have not called a lawyer yet. My husband assures me that I can stay in our home and he will continue to pay all bills. I only have to pay for my food and clothes. I know I can’t trust him. He is so determined to be free the last years of his life, that he doesn’t care about me or the family. I am so stunned I don’t know what to do from one moment to the next. I am still struggling with paperwork involving my mother’s death. I am overwhelmed taking care of my mother’s paperwork and finances. It just won’t be over. And now…the thought of going to a lawyer for more paperwork. I am so glad I found this website.
Don’t trust him for 2 seconds. If he changes his mind about the house or quits paying the bills, you are screwed. Get it on paper. Hire a good, well-recommended attorney, tell her what you want/need, and leave it to her to take care of you while you are so overwhelmed with your mother’s estate. Hire a lawyer to help with that, too, if you can, or a CPA, or someone who can take some of the load off of you. They will not be cheap, but they will save you a lot of money in the long run. This is called Putting Yourself First, which is something that none of us knew how to do when we’d been married for a long time. For now, trust us, and just do it. We’ve been there; we know.
Artemis:
I am so sorry for all your troubles – at times you really can’t understand why life just keeps throwing crap at you. You must be feeling so overwhelmed, alone and afraid. I have been where you are and you really wonder how much more you can take.
Do you have any close friends or other family that you can confide in? Please reach out to someone. Don’t try and think to far into the future, just give yourself small goals. Just try and concentrate on the present day, I found when I looked to far into the future that is when I would begin to panic.
And reach out to everyone here – there are so many wonderful women on this site and they helped me so much.
Please contact me directly if you need to talk.
Lynn
Lynn
Thank you Lynn. Truly. I have not told a soul yet. I won’t talk to anyone until we tell our children. I dread that. Just dread it. You are right. When I think in terms of my future…I panic. What have I done?
You haven’t done anything – and that is the hardest thing to accept. When my husband died last year – I had convinced myself that if I had been at the hospital with him I would have saved him. It took me a while to really grasp how unrealistic that statement was. How could I have saved him when all the Doctors and Nurses couldn’t.
As women we blame ourselves for so much. We are always trying to fix everything for everyone else – that we forget ourselves a long the way. We forget what makes us happy.
So for now try to find something each day that will make you happy – it doesn’t have to be a lot or expensive. Take the phone off the hook for an hour, have a long bubble bath, have a nap, but do something for yourself.
You have been given a lot of good advice here at VN – and the most important thing for you right now is to start taking care of yourself – physically, spiritually and legally. Get a lawyer and take care of your financial future.
Thinking of you
Lynn
I agree wholeheartedly with KGrandma. Take her advice and get to a lawyer fast.
The next steps will be difficult. Treat it like a grieving process – write, cry, yell – whatever you need to do to get through it. Go through each day trying to remember how to put yourself first – you may not have done that for a long time.
Take each day as it comes and go slowly; reach out to whoever you have near you – or us – and know that you are not alone. Many of us have been there in one way or another. Your job will help to take your mind off everything for a few moments here and there.
Love to you. ♥
Yes, objectively I know KGrandma is right. I fear I don’t have the strength in the near future. It would also mean my marriage is really over. I know my husband would willingly see a lawyer. He wants to go to a mediation lawyer that could handle the divorce for both of us. I know that I need an advocate as I’m in shock. You guys gave me good advice. All my sisters live on the West coast. Hopefully one of them can help me see things clearly and help me move forward.
Right now I just want to stay in bed and cry. That’s all.
MY heart goes out to you , You have been given great advice..I once faced a situation that only being alone could give me some comfort like you said you want to say in bed..I understand that and if you are in bed that may be the best place for you to try and practice meditation if you are not already familiar with it….it is amazing how we get the answers we need for our personal situation that no one Else can really know without all the details… in the quite space of your room listen to nothing and you will be began to feel pressure lifting off you , how you should respond will become easier once you get into what is call the GAP ..that space where answers com from the Universe,
The love of your Mother is still with you to help you because Spirit does not die…her body is gone but her “essence” will be with you to guide you .
When my mother passed over I called upon her help …and it came one day as I was writing on my computer the answer to something that has saved me so many times.
I will remember you in my thoughts of well wishes and……..
Peace Health Wealth and Love …..Fayette
Everyone is right, and Fayette is pure genius, but I’m concerned for your long-term survival and what it will take to ensure your financial well being. Promise yourself the reward of an uninterrupted week in bed AFTER you see an attorney. The marriage is over whether you take care of that aspect or not. And as much as you don’t know it yet, you don’t want someone who doesn’t want you.
Grieving is a process and can take a long time. You may need a while to just pull the covers over your head, but take care of business first. Then do whatever feels right. Rage and throw stuff, cry for a week, have safe sex with a stranger, whatever. You’ll be nuts for a while. And no matter what, we’ll be right here, and pretty much nothing you do will be unknown to us.
Hugs.
KG, “pull the covers over your head, but take care of business first”, sounds like something I just heard this morning. Hmmmmm? Where were you around 4:30 am?
Which time zone?
Right on K. do Take Care of Business soon.
I believe once she tunes everything out plus her fear, anger and pain for a few moments the answers will come even clearer as you have definitely given her a great way to work out the “TCB” stuff..( It shouldn’t take too long…….this is one more reason I declare my TINA TURNER System is one way to “prepare” for the unexpected and always remember I am better than on one and no one is better than me..in other words S—T Happens to us all ….and the fact he wants you to wait and he will be there for you ..check out the little boy from Corpus Christi football how he slowly and confusedly looking… walks pass the team and then began to run for the home run…not a bad idea… to throw one off or be thrown off so ladies lets not be thrown off guard by the I will stand by and help you . .but don’t love you or want to live with you.., yep get the legal done but first know that you are worthy of the time and years given and fairness is that no one is left out in the cold…especially you.
I totally understand the staying in bed and crying stuff. Give yourself a time limit, though. Don’t let it last too long. I do hope one or more of your sisters can help you through this, too. ♥♥♥
There are no words to say how sorry I am for you, but you have a purpose! Right now you are over-whelmed with emotions and can’t think or see straight, do nothing but keep yourself going. Do the simple things for yourself, is there a friend near by, a group, counselor, womens group or call a hot line? Just find somebody who will listen, please. And keep coming back here is VN, most of the most patienced, caring, women in the world are here for you. Take your time…so sorry…TRACK
P.S. I wrote this on another one of this threads, so repeating it here…
I am sorry for your situation. These gals have given some great advice, use what works for you. Do what you have to do each day but take care of you. Don’t think too for into the future, that can get overwhelming, just deal with the present moment and then the next moment. We are all sending you positive energy.
When I first read this I thought, ‘Wow, this girl can really write country music!” It has all the perfect elements to be a hit song. I was impressed, but alas, I realized it was a reality slice and now I must get serious.
Remember one thing, You are stronger than you realize. Women never give themselves enough credit when it comes to making it on their own, but you have the power. Cry till you’re dry, then get your ass in gear so YOU can create the life you want at this point.
I am in a painful daze. I went to a therapist but wasn’t at all impressed with her. Everyone’s posts give me comfort. I still haven’t told anyone. No one. I don’t want to talk about it; it will hurt too much. I don’t want to see the looks of pity. I don’t want to have to explain “what happened”. Sigh…
Atremis56 I just recently choose to end a 42 year marriage and am on my own for the first time since I was 17 years old. Let me tell you first hand you CAN DO IT. Over the past month I have been more at peace than I have for years. The mind gets caught up in all the what if’s and I should haves .. Concentrate on each day and what you need to accomplish . even if you have to make a list in the morning and check them off as you go .. it’s like the old adage ” one foot in front of the other”…. and, please seek out someone to talk to. A co- worker, friend from church, or find a DivorceCare group in your area .. but, having someone to talk to is critical. You MUST consult with an attorney to protect yourself. Don’t leave it up to your husband who is most likely looking out for only himself .. I also know that first hand. I did the lawyer first, had the papers filed, and I am the one who is protected and assured financially. You be the first to file. The first step to recovery is self-preservation and feeling secure. Best of luck and lots of prayers to you … you will get through this and come out on top.
You owe no one an explanation, and you are not some piteous creature. There is a time and place for “fake it ’til you make it,” and this might be it. You are fine; you have decided to separate, sorry it’s a shock to whoever, moving on — unwilling to discuss your private business. Period. We live in a culture where everyone’s most private business ends up on the front page of supermarket tabloids or in television commercials, and that’s an anathema. What has happened to you is simply not up for discussion unless you want it to be. To those who will have to be told eventually, or sooner, you can give the basic information – that he has left, that you are not prepared to talk about it yet (or ever), that you need space, and that you need to be left alone for now. “Please respect that” usually works. Bottom line: you take control of the situation. You stop hiding under the covers. If you have a good outfit that inspires confidence, wear it. If you need a good haircut, get one. If there’s a really good spa in your area, spend a day there just for you. Consider a makeover if you’d feel good about that. These things are just for you, not to impress anyone or to put you back on the market!
A good therapist can help; a bad one can leave you gut shot. I highly recommend finding a good one, but you have time for that. In the meantime, at the risk of becoming (or being confirmed as) the Nag of VN, get a lawyer.
Again, sweet Artemis, you are going to be fine. I promise. You are one of zillions, and we are all, I swear, fine.
Artemis, Don’t wake up one day, wondering what the hell happen,”he has everything”…TRACK…run to that lawyer, now