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1. Don’t get too attached! From Carol Orsborn – VN Strategist in How do you set boundaries with your “boomerang kids”? “I must admit that I am secretly delighted to have this bonus time with my daughter. She is launching her own business, and I take pride in my role as incubator of the next generation. Plus, she’s just a whole lot of fun. In fact, while I do pay heed to the advice about setting rules and boundaries, I’m more concerned about getting overly attached.” |
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2. Create a lifestyle that works for your family. From Sandwiched Boomers in How do you set boundaries with your “boomerang kids”? “…there’s no one way to respond to this situation. Each of us has to decide what to do under the circumstances and find what works best for our family. …If we move back under the same roof, we have to factor in the impact of our individual experiences and of having lived independently.” |
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3. Do unto yourself as you do unto others. From Suzanne Braun Levine in Learning to say no and how it changed my life “When the kids decide to come back home, I’ve heard some women say, ‘Oh God, I’ll have to change the locks!’ Luckily, the more we learn to do unto ourselves as we have been doing unto others, the more we can hold our own with those kinds of demands.” |
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4. If all else fails, push them out of the nest. From Sarah G. Carter in Failure to launch, part 1 (journal entry 53) “My oldest, David, didn’t truly pick up the reins of his own life until he was almost 28. He graduated from college, moved back in with me ‘temporarily.’ (It turned out to be 2 years–paying rent the second year.) Then, after I pushed the point and ‘made’ him leave, grumbling all the way, he called two weeks later to thank me.” |
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5. Give only what you can afford. From Carol Orsborn/Jimmy L. Smull in The New Rules of Engagement – The Silver Pearl “If you are asked for money, if you give it at all, give only if you can part with it freely, with neither emotional nor practical strings, expectations or paybacks attached.” |
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6. Decide how to help together with your partner. From lululighthouses in Financially dependent adult children “Before you start building resentments about it, sit down and have a REAL conversation about this. Make sure this is honest as well. Tell him how you feel and ask yourself if these feelings are genuine. Is he doing more harm than good for the children? Can the two of you come up with a plan to help them together? Making these decisions together is a step in the right direction.” |
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7. Accept that you don’t have to love everything about your adult child. From Carol Orsborn/Jimmy L. Smull in The Dance – The Silver Pearl “After taking a break, mothers and offspring realize that despite the ups and downs, the dance of love and connection is not yet through. They learn to sashay around the parts of each other’s lives they simply cannot embrace and love the rest. Rebecca and her mother now have a tacit agreement not to talk about religion but they still have a great time shopping together on a weekday afternoon. Simon was angry for a year after his parents forced him to move out. For a while, he slept on the couch of a friend’s house. But eventually, he found a studio apartment not far from home — and while his mother wishes that Simon would do his own laundry — they are both free, at last, to live their separate lives.” |
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8. Insist that your kidults face their own challenges. From Sandwiched Boomers in Longing for an empty nest? 5 ways to finally launch your “kidult” “At times ‘tough love’ is the most effective support parents can give. Jane’s son chose to move back home after his divorce and expected his mother to handle his laundry, shopping and cleaning the way his wife had. She knew he had to learn to take care of himself, once again.” |
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9. Help them formulate a plan for independence. From greekgranny in My 32-year old daughter moved in with us – now we’re butting heads. “You may want to start by discussing how your daughter plans to regain her independence as this is only a short term option. If she is unable to provide you with her plan of action, she needs to either discuss her future with a professional, or sit down and lay out a plan with goals for the future.” |
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10. Don’t let the dynamics regress – they’re not kids anymore. From Sandwiched Boomers in How do you set boundaries with your “boomerang kids”? “I think there should be a new set of rules involved. The kids should have to pay part of the rent/mortgage, the same for groceries, do their share of chores, etc. Any parent who lets the dynamic regress back to when their kids were 10 isn’t being a supportive parent; they’re just being a sucker…and doing more harm to their children than good.” |
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On the flip side, how about sharing a home with an aging parent? When your parent needs more than you can give, where do you conduct some research online? Do you pick up the phone and make a call? Do you hit the pavement and check out facilities/home health agencies? And how do you determine when you have a match?
There are several options. It is best to have a clear understanding of your parent’s needs. There are specialty facilities for alzheimer’s, for example. Some organizations offer day care, temporary respite or adult in-home care to relieve some of the burden.
If your needs are greater, it is best to start with your folks primary health care provider for their best advice on their needs and then work with the Department on Aging in your community, or your community Mental Health Department to locate an appropriate setting for your parents needs.
I SHARE WITH 2 ADULT DAUGHTERS WHOM I WISH I COULD SAY I AM VERY HAPPY ALL THE TIME, BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THERE ARE TIMES THAT I WANT TO SCREAM. I GUESS IT IS NEVER ALL PEACHES AND CREAM, WE DO HAVE OUR UNFORGETABLE MOMENTS AND IT HOPEFULLY WILL BENEFIT US ALL. THAT WAS THE IDEA ANYWAY TO HELP WITH THE COST OF LIVING SHARING THE EXPENSES. I GUESS WE WILL SEE HOW IT GOES. HOPEFUL!!
I wish it was just that easy. I know it is, but I cant seem to make it happen. I* know its up to me to make it happen. Im scared of the conflict, but tired of the total burden on me.
During some point in our lives, all 4 of my siblings moved back into my parents large house…saving for our own home, short term after a divorce. And though we all payed our way through sharing expenses, my parents would not take rent. They asked us instead to help our won kids in the same way if we could. they told us of some tough times where their own parents had helped them while we were all too young to know.
My own daughter and her family may move in for a year to save for a downpayment. I’m pleased I can do this for her, for myself, and in memory of my wonderful parents. She too will be asked only to pay it forward ( and please stay out of my make up drawer).
You are awesome, and your parents sound very much like my own. Their compassion helped me (and a few of my siblings) through many hard times. As an adult moving back in with parents you don’t, or shouldn’t expect to act like a child. Help with the chores, contribute what you can to the household. I did it, my oldest daughter is now back with me, and it’s wonderful. One of my brothers recently moved back in with Mom and Dad to help them out. Dad has been very ill the past couple of years, and my brother has taken on the “Dad” things that they can’t do. He’s been fixing things around the house, etc. This is what family is all about!
In the event the advice might be any different here are my circumstances. My daughter has always lived with me. She turned 28 in May. She has a bachelors degree in missions and a masters degree in biblical literature. She works as a substitute for about $50 net per day and is getting about 2-3 days of work per week. She also works for a tutoring company and has not received a single student to tutor. She just ook a job as a waitress at IHOP. As unaspiring as it may sound, she has worked as a waitress before and this is the occupation in which she has always made the most money.
We live in Florida now after having moved from the north when my and my husband’s business failed and we had to declare bankruptcy as neither of us were able to obtain jobs. In coming to Florida, my husaband, my daughter’s step-father, and I gave her the choice of coming with us. At the time she was working up north as a waitress and also at Walmart. My husband and I hoped that in Florida she could get one good paying, full-time job and be able to support herself and finally get out on her own. That just hasn’t happened and unfortunately, we were dependent on her covering 1/3 of our living costs. Not only has that not been possible, but now only my husband is working full-time. She gives what she can, when she can.
The living situation is very strained primarily due to our expectations of her shouldering her share of the financial in addition to the household chores, which she does not do unless specifically asked to do so. Financially, we are living paycheck to paycheck. My husband is especially upset because not only can she not pay her 1/3 share of the living expenses, she cannot pay any of her bills and we are not only paying our only car insurance and our cell phone bill, but also hers. She tries to pay at least $80 per month since summer. Not much considering her total share of the bills is around $400 per month. My husband now blames her for our lack of being able to save any money because she is not keeping up her end of the bargain.
I have never been a very forceful person. He says I baby her, and I’m sure I do, but I don’t really know how to be any other way. I am, how I am. As far as the chores are concerned, I prefer to just do it myself then to take the time and energy to teach, preach, or otherwise birddog someone else to do something.
As far as the money is concerned, I know that before the waitress job (she just started today) she was barely making $400 per month. She plays softball, goes to church, goes to work and sometimes eats out. She and my husband have decided not to talk since when they do they usually just end up arguing. I’ve been married almost 9 years.
Please help, My husband just said the other day that he is about to blow up. Don’t know what that means, but it can’t be good. I’ve tried sitting down individually with them and as a “family” – ha! Cannot seem to get anywhere and constantly feel in the middle of everything. Need lots of advice. Thanks.
I would be hard pressed to allow a 28 y/o daughter to live with me and disrupt my household if she had 2 degrees under her belt. Sounds like she is able, just not willing.She shouldn’t have to be asked to shoulder her share of the ANY-THING, she should do it willingly. I’ve raised 2 children and neither has moved in with me, both work and take care of business. I help what I want to, not what they need me to. (neither really need me to help)
Hello Anna Darlene: I have just gone through a very trying time of getting my daughter to move out. It’s been so difficult because I felt like I was all alone in wanting her to stand on her own two feet. She was costing us so much each month in utilities, food, house maintenance. None of which she helped pay for. There was a point when I told my husband of 44 years (her father) that if he didn’t support me in stopping her freeloading, I was out of here. I meant it too. I think he realized that I was serious. You and your husband MUST be on the same page. I watched her to determine what would get her attention. I developed my plan of action to get the biggest response I could. I started off my doing a spreadsheet each month of the expenses that should have been shared. I kept the facts in front of her constantly. This is what I spent and this is what you should have paid and this is what you paid. Yes it hurt our relationship but I knew that what I was doing was the best for her and us. I quit cooking for her and shopping for her. I made dinner for just her dad and me. I purposely made things that I knew only we would eat. Stuff she didn’t like. I cleaned up on the messes we made and left the rest for her. Wow was that hard. I just learned to out wait her. I was so desparate at one point that I wrote a letter to Dr. Phil. I got a call from the show. They wanted us to come on the show. I showed my daughter the letter and she said “that makes me look like such taker”. I just said “it is, what it is”. Of course she wouldn’t go on the show (neither would my husband). I just kept the pressure on and never for one minute forgot what my mission was. When she finally got fed up and said “she was sick and tired of how I was doing her, it seemed like I didn’t love her anymore. She was moving out and we could kiss her _ _ _!” It sounds so simple. But it wasn’t and it took months of doing the same things over and over. After that statement of declaration by her, I didn’t let her forget it. I kept pushing. Pretty soon she finally moved out. She had to make some choices of what to give up to be able to support herself but she did it. For the first month, I was a horrible mother. She wouldn’t talk to me. She said bad things about me to other people. I never reacted to her in an emotional way that let her know how my heart was hurting and how sad I was. I never raised my voice. I stuck to the facts and my purpose. I’m sure my strength and wisdom to do this came from God because I hadn’t been talking to anyone else! Things are healing. She is doing good. We are acting like mother and daughter with love. There is a website http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net that has a section called How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us. There’s some very good articles. I’m sure you’ll hear from others in VN. Hey, you know that I will be praying for you. Good luck.
It’s tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home — the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It’s becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone. There are some great tips in this thread — there are more available at http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com
Dear Anna, I am so srry to hear about your situation and believe me I undusrstand, I have four children of my own; Pardon me for saying this but I think your daughter is taking advantage of you; It’s one thing and bad enough that she does not pull her own weight, but it’s deplorable that she does’nt even try to help with the chores. I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but I think it’s time you gave her an ultimatum, shape up or ship out; She is really too old for this type of immaturity. I think you need to be strong and believe me she will thank you later; Just think if she does’nt learn now what’s going to happen to her if something, God forbid happens to you.? Lovingly. L. Sanchez
It is so interesting to see the varied responses from different members. Some of us say, work it out, it’s worth it. Some of us say, throw the bums out. Seems like a lot of the struggle on this issue is our own internal struggle about being a good mother and yet trying to be true to ourselves, something we get more in touch with the older we get. Except for one child, all of our five tried to stay in the roost or return to it after age 21. The hardest thing I ever did was tell them they had to move out, but having my own life with my husband is also one of the biggest joys of my life. I don’t have to live for others and be miserable anymore. The kids have figured it out and we’re still close, although obviously this type of separation leaves its mark on the parent/child relationship. But for me, it was the best thing.