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1. Wait to be asked for advice. From Carol Orsborn – VN Strategist in Tips for Thanksgiving with your visiting adult kids “If you are tempted to offer advice or deliver an opinion about something they are considering doing/facing, Stop! Think! Have you specifically been asked? Is it a matter of life and death? If not, keep your thoughts to yourself.” |
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2. Listen for any clues about their interests. From debwebby in How can I have better phone conversations with my adult son? “Find out what sports he follows and get to know his team(s) a bit. is he reading books? have a favorite activity or charity? Listen for any clues about his interests. Also, He probably wants to know what new things you are up to. Make sure to keep him informed about your health.” |
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3. If the kids come back home to live, set boundaries right away. From Sandwiched Boomers in How do you set boundaries with your “boomerang kids”? “Spouses should set guidelines for their boomerang kids. Hold family meetings to determine how they’ll share the home’s chores and responsibilities and how they’re planning to eventually be independent again. Otherwise, parents run the risk of feeling betrayed and used, which could further strain their relationship with their kids and each other.” |
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4. Be an active listener. From Karen Stabiner in Top 10 tips for empty nesters “This is much harder than it sounds–and I say that as someone who listens for a living! We need to listen to our children, download, without necessarily judging or fixing, which is our instinct. Sometimes they just want to talk and then they’re done and feel much better. You may be a wreck, but they’ve sorted something out just because you were there to listen to it! I think empty nesting is all about modulation–learning to put parenting into a lower gear.” |
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5. Manage their expectations about financial help. From bobbi in Helping out adult kids financially “So, we had a conversation with both of them (did a well structured email addressed to both of them about a year ago….told them that we were no longer able to afford to give them all we had and that now that they were established more in their jobs and were debt free, we felt our financial support was less necessary to them and that they would be cut back in a 4 month period. This gave them time to readjust their budgets and figure out how they would live on their own incomes. “Of course, we told them we would always be there for a safety net, but that we wanted to ensure that our funds lasted till our end of life and that we wanted to assure we didn’t have to depend on them for support in our elder years…..so we have all cut back and they are adjusting beautifully although it has been a major change for them.” |
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6. Stand up for yourself, and make sure you’re treated right. From Carol Orsborn – VN Strategist in Tips for Thanksgiving with your visiting adult kids “Remember that you’ve got the right to establish healthy boundaries and raise the bar in terms of how you deserve to be treated, regardless of what dysfunctions are playing out in your offspring’s life.” |
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7. Use technology to connect. From gingit4 in How can I have better phone conversations with my adult son? “…Facebook is a great place to keep informed about your son’s activities. My four children, all in their late twenties and early thirties, have facebook pages and have welcomed me into their worlds. Even the wife and girlfriends have invited me to be their ‘friend.’ Sometimes there is too much information and/or photographs but I try to remember what it was like to be young. It does give me topics for discussion when we speak and some good laughs also.” |
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thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
Now is when you find out just what kind of parent you were during those growing up years. If children don’t treat you with respect (pay for your dinner, help without being asked, disagree with you without being ugly… you get the picture) then you can guess the behavior didn’t start yesterday. We all have a right to be proud of our kids. If we blew it earlier on, we still have lots of influence on our adult children. Do not feel guilty about demanding respect from your children. It’s like saluting in the Army, you salute the rank, not the person. As a parent you deserve respect. Don’t take anything less. Lack of respect to you is not good for your child, either.
Yes. Definately, I love being on Facebook with my 4 grown up children. I keep in touch, I know how they are doing, their daily activities, like up late….grandchildren driving them crazy….lol payback, no I absolutely agree Facebook is an excellent way to keep in touch and keep it “light”!!!!!!
How do Woman over 50 raise and handle a thirteen year old boy that as asburger, adhd, Odd, sever nerves and very low self asteam? need to find help with that.
I will pray for you If he needs meds make sure he is on them and find a support person for time off You must take care of yourself or you are no good for anyone else…My five year old grandson has mild asbergers and he wears me out
Thank you, I feel so lost. I ask people knowledgeable about the meeting with other parents with children with special needs and they always say they will give me a name or some one will call me and here I set. As for having a break that would be nice but no one wants to watch him so cant even get a job to get out of the house. well enough of my complaining. All prayers welcome.
Is there a public health unit where you live? Maybe they could provide respite care for you..i.e have someone care for your son while you go out and do things for yourself — get your hair done, shopping, dinner with friends or a movie? There must be support groups (at least online) for parents of children with the disabilities your child has. Do some Google searches and see if anything interesting comes up. Can your doctor refer you to any support groups for yourself or for your son? He needs some interaction with others who share his disabilities. Maybe the local Parks & Rec department has programs for people with disabilities???
Good luck, Rainbow. You are carrying a heavy load…..praying for you.
I have not read all the replies, so if this was covered, excuse me. Pay particular care to his diet. Do some reading on diet for children with these disorders. Find good support if your state has it. North Carolina has the TEACH program, which is backlogged but there. They evaluate and recommend. Check into your state and see if there is a program available. Find a group of mothers and fathers dealing with the same issues and make connections. Read, read, read – online and books. (when you have time). Make sure the online articles are from reputable sources (.org, .gov, .net). Check into possible supplements that may be missing from his diet. Lean on others when you can. Positive thoughts going your way.
Always be willing to forgive, yourself and others as well.
Forgiving ourselves and others – YES! Not easy. I just read a superb book on the subject, about the Amish school children shootings. Should be required reading for every human being. THINK NO EVIL, by Jonathon Beiler.
We (my hubby and I) have told our children (we have 5 between us) that as long as we have a roof they have a place to stay. Boy has that come back to bite us in the butt. We have been married 7 1/2 years, and, we have had 1 to 3 children living with us ever since. Long story but our kids have moved in and out numerous times. Right now we have my hubby’s daughter and husband and 2 year old baby with us. Son in law has enlisted in the Army but doesn’t go to bootcamp till Nov. Then we won’t know when daughter and baby will be leaving. My daughter lives with us. She is trying to find a job so she can move out. We are rethinking our offer. We just want our house to ourselves again. They all need to move out.