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Women 50+ Know: How to deal with divorce after a longtime marriage Most Liked Hot Conversation

1. Reconnect with your soul.
From Jackie Haughn in 3 rewards of divorce
“During this time of transition, expect some additional downtime, which is a great opportunity to reflect. You are not alone. Your higher self is always eager to listen and provide answers to questions that you’ve been yearning to know.”

Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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2. Know that it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person.
From Myrna in how to survive a divorce after 27 years of marriage
“I have been divorced for nearly 26 years, and wouldn’t go back for a million dollars. Enjoy being able to make your own decisions and controlling your own life. I’ve discovered over the years that it is sometimes better to be alone than with the wrong person… Do I get lonely, sure sometimes; but its usually just for companionship which you can find in friends.”

3. Do something symbolic.
From Judy Steinberg in Surviving divorce after 50: 4 steps back to the real you
“Here’s what I did: I took an armload of my husband’s 8×10 glossy publicity photos to the parking lot of our favorite restaurant and I burned them. Seeing his lying cheating face go up in smoke did wonders for my morale and allowed me to feel completely disconnected from him and the life we shared. My friend tossed her wedding ring into the river to accomplish the same feeling and then, in a more aggressive act of symbolism, my mother cut the crotch out of all her husband’s pants. What a woman! Create your own private revenge and move on!”

4. Be not afraid to take the leap.
From Dr. Coach Love in Later-in-life divorce
“Twenty-five of the thirty years of my first marriage were satisfying and the tale of the last five years is sadly long—including ‘his’ 7 bypasses,loss of employment, depression, and his total inactivity in taking care of himself while I looked on in frustration and helplessness, unable to be of any influence on him. The short story is that my new husband of six years and I have a great life– very different than I would have had. I still feel a loss in some ways, but I could not let myself sink with him. There is definitely life after 30 & 50. If you need to do so, do not be afraid to go out and find yours!”

Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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5. Take time to grieve.
From MajorInsight in how to survive a divorce after 27 years of marriage
“You have some grieving and letting go work ahead of you. If there are children involved, they need as much attention and stability as you can afford to give them. Surround yourself with family and friends who can listen and let you grieve.”

6. Deal with depression in a healthy way.
From MajorInsight in how to survive a divorce after 27 years of marriage
“Don’t start dating until you are emotionally in a healthier place. Get involved in a faith community, seek counseling, choose to live in a environment that is healing for you. Don’t drink or drug to numb the pain. See your doctor and a therapist if you find yourself getting clinically depressed. You will need to learn to be happy and single again, it takes time, but you will make it.”

7. Know that new love may be right around the corner.
From roadtripdreamer in Later-in-life divorce
“After being single for 4 years, I met a man right under my nose – worked out at the same club, but neither of us realized the other was single. Now 16 years of marriage later, we are still having the time of our lives and have never looked back.”

Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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Rest assured, we don't send spam and your info is never shared with 3rd parties.

8. Make this your time.
From fatnsassy in how to survive a divorce after 27 years of marriage
“Do all the things you always wanted to do but could not because of him, his plans his needs his wants, his needs. Read that book. Write your own. Go places you always wanted to go to. Be the person you are and always wanted to be.”

9. Embrace your fear to move past it.
From markiesparkle in Divorce after 25+ years married and starting over
“Fear. I didn’t know how much I’d depended on my husband for emotional support and reinforcement. I also had no clue how afraid I was, of how many things! It’s been almost 8years now, and I’m finally getting back to being the (relatively) self-confident person I’d thought I was.”

10. When you date again, don’t settle for less than the best.
From silentnomore08 in how to survive a divorce after 27 years of marriage
“My advice is to be strong, be true to yourself, and believe that you are worthy of the best there is in a man, so don’t settle for less than the best.

I have recently begun dating again and I am very clear up-front that I am not looking for a physically intimate encounter, but for a deeper soul relationship. It “clears out the weeds,” as my grandmother used to say.”

Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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Rest assured, we don't send spam and your info is never shared with 3rd parties.

11. Find a support group.
From Karma in How do I start liking myself after ending a 24 year marriage?
“If you are able, get involved with a support group. Either online or in person. Do things to take care of yourself, especially things that are free or low-cost to build up your self-esteem. Get physical exercise. Engage in spiritual reading and ritual. Keep in touch with people who care about you. Your low mood will not last forever.”

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Posted in family & relationships, love & sex, women 50+ know this.

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  3. Later-in-life divorce
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  5. Women 50+ know: Low-pressure ways to meet a man

add your responses

46 Responses

  1. Generic Image mickiezada says

    I was married for 34 years…. yep, I stayed waaayyy toooo long at the dance!  As with all long term marriages, it wasn’t ALL bad and I made the choice to stay (no one stays in a relationship that long without “getting something” out of it.  I was a full-blown enabler).  I think each of the 11 suggestions above is on target.  I also think that what is most important is to take personal responsibility and figure out who we are and what we REALLY want and need in our lives.  I had no idea how fantastic I would feel having my own living space (initially I was scared to death of living alone).  For ME, it was a difficult journey learning that I am responsible for my own happiness, for the things I think and expect and for who I am… difficult and exhilarating and wonderful.  Last year I bought my first home by myself… painted the walls red and butterscotch…laid wood floors and tile in the bathroom  (OK, I DID have help from male friends for the floor work!  LOL)  This year I bought a car by myself… so now I have my very own mortgage and car payment!  AHHHHH… life is good!  Most importantly, I know who I am,  decided what I want from life and now I’ve attracted a wonderful man who has also done significant soul searching….I think we are on to something good together.  My thought right now is “Be true to Yourself… the rest will come”.  I think that is True.

    31 like

    • Generic Image katsie says

      I wish I was you mickienzada!!!  I would love to be able to work, buy a home alone, and live alone, believe me!!!!  I am just too sick, honey.  Without my meds, I will die,..that’s it in a nut shell.  I am stuck!  Everyday is bad for me.  But I want to congratuate you!  I would do what you did in a heartbeat, if I could.  I stayed because of his temper, and mostly the fear of those guns.  I was young when we married.  I was in love, and blind.  Now that I am older, I am much wiser.  I even wished he would meet somebody, and leave!!!  I thought I could guilt him into keeping my insurance, but he never leaves!!!  He only leaves to go to the bar, and work!!! 

      I am true to myself.  Always was, but my kids were young, and he was a drinker, and the guns, and I knew, at year 11, that if i left him, he would get visitation, and my kids would be dragged into bars, and be around his 50 guns!!! 

      When we moved into this house, I made him lock them up in a special room.  BUT,…that is now, that was twenty years ago. The kids are grown, and even though it  might look like am an enabler, I swear to you that I AM NOT!  I want out!!!!!!!!!! Where am I supposed to go without health/hospitization????  My meds cost over $250.00 a month, with health insurance.  The CML med is $12,000.00 a year!!!!!!!!!!!  Tell me,…what would do?????

      6 like

      • Lilly Lilly says

        You need a good lawyer (first visit usually free)  to talk to and explore your state’s laws – there are ways for a court to order maintenance and payment for health ins. I know this must be very hard for you.

        10 like

      • Debbiefritz Debbiefritz says

        there is free care somewheres, if u want out that bad look for the free care before, plan your leave, u can do it, i was like u scared to death to leave, scared i couldnt make it, it hasnt been that long but the freedom is fantastic, there is help out there for u, find it and u will be much happier

         

        7 like

      • Generic Image origal47 says

        I too am in the same kind of situation. I am disabled and can barely get around. If it wasnt for good friends I think I never would make it. After 165 years of marriage, and putting up with a mean drunk, i told him to leave. H refused to quit drinking, so I told him I was done. He moved in with his mother and wala…he quoit drinking. He has been sober foe 4 months and wont talk to me anymore because I told him to leave. All I ever wanted was for him to stop drinking. Well he did and I am alone. What a jerk I was. I live on 600.00 a month and get no help. I hate him  but I hate myself for staying in that relationship for so long. Im alone, but Im no longer being abused.

        9 like

      • Generic Image Anonymous1 says

        On an income of $600.00 a month you qualify for all types of assistance; food stamps, and if your disability qualifies you for SSD, you get that on top of SSI.  You qualify for every food pantry in your area, you qualify for “partnerships for prescription assistance” co-payment programs and FREE legal assistance.  In addition, you probably qualify for a caretaker to come to your home everyday as well.  All that is required is that you apply for the programs. 

        7 like

      • Generic Image grace says

        leave that hell my dear friend, enjoy the only life we have, and then go to a lawyer and ask him for advice, let us now what happened, wish you a peaceful life.

        6 like

    • Eve007 Eve007 says

      I love it – sounds like my life except I was married for 32 years, 20 were dead and 20 we didn’t share a bed. I am not going to say much here because you said it all. Good job, doesn’t it feel great!

      11 like

  2. Generic Image katsie says

    Hi!  I am new here, but wanted to comment.  I have been married 34 years.  At the beginning he was everything I though, I ever wanted.  Tall, handsome, strong (physically), a really physically beautiful man, but I was only 19, when we met.  We always had great sex,..it is what I now know, kept us together.  I always had the better job, though he worked, he never could earn what I earned, and I know it bothered him.  I wondered why he married me, but,..the sex,…

    Anyway, we have been married 34 years now, and I am very ill.  Last summer, he hit me.  He never stuck me before, not ever I swear!  I have been sick for ten years now, and sex is non-existant,..I am too sick…fibro, cancer, leukemia, sjogren’s syndrome, asthma with bronchial infections,..all he has to do is bring home a cold, and I get pneumonia.  It is not my fault I can’t be the woman I was, but I though he loved me,…obviously, I was wrong.

    After he hit me, I called the police, but because my wonderful son who is 28, threw him down and kept him from hurting me more, he wanted to have my son arrested!!!  So, I decided against it. 

    Also, you all need to know that he keeps my health/hospitilization insurance, through work.  I cannot afford it, and because of all of my pre-existing conditions, I would never be able to get insurance. So, I stay.  I have my own room, and he has his.  We rarely talk, because he has become an alcoholic, and is always drunk.

    I am scared, and angry!!!!  I am not the type to sit quietly, demruely in a corner!  I worked in the legal field, as a paralegal for thirty years, and have a realtor’s license!  I am not a mouse, but I do nothing to aggrivate him.

    If I leave, or make him leave, I have no insurance.  He already told me that he will not stay married, live separate, and continue paying my insurance!  Thirty-four years girls, and I mean nothing to him!

    What should I do?  My son is finishing college.  He has one more year to go, but his money has run out. He has to try to borrow what he will need, and with times as they are,…I am so concerned.  He already told me that I can live with him, though I hate to do it, but I can’t cook, clean, etc.  I am almost bedridden.  Almost.  I am weak, and tired all the time, and I am not lazy!!!!!!!!

    A sweet man I knew years ago, died last month, so I told my husband, because he knew him too.  We did not know he had died.  It was a shock.  Anyway, the poor guy’s wife was a big cheat, but wanted him back.  He told me no way.  She cheated, so she can stay gone!  I always knew that I could count on my friend for help with the house, but now he is gone.

    Anyway, when I told my husband about our friend’s death, he said it was karma.  I asked him what he meant, and he mumbled something, then said, “Like you. You’re sick because of karma.”  WHAT!!!  I almost fainted!  Has his little mind become so warped that he does not think he deserves that karma for himself???? 

    I swear to all of you, I was a good wife, never cheated, worked every day of our marriage, made more money than him, saved $20,000.00 to buy our home, then paid $15,000.00 for remodeling so we could move in.  It was old.  Like a dummy, I put his name on the deed. 

    Anyway, we only paid $52,000.00 for the home, and it is almost paid in full, but his cousin is an attorney, and I think that is why he does not work on the house anymore.  Not in the past ten years, since I got sick anyway.  He knows, legally, any improvements will enure to both of us, equally, in case of a divorce.

    I don’t even care about that!  I am afraid of him.  He has a gun arsenel in the basement.  I am scared, but if I have him arrested, he will lose his job, and I will lose my insurance.  I fell trapped for the first time in my life.  I have no family left, but for my children, and grandchild.  Nobody I can go to,..anywhere.

    What do you all think I should do???  I promise I will not blame anybody if it goes wrong, I just don’t have anybody to talk to about it.  My friends are all gone, because I’ve been sick for so long, they got fed up, I think.  I don’t drive because I dont’ want to cause an accident, and maybe kill an innocent person.  Fibro is a nightmare, so is the CML, and chronic fatigue.

    I am just about ready to give up girls!  I really am, and I have nevr, ever been a quitter, but I am tired of all this drama, and fighting for everything, that I know is right.  He even knows it’s right, but he will not help me.  He already told me that.  I think he actuallly hates me now.  I swear, all I ever did was get sick. 

    If Mr. Obama’s Public Option gets passed, I can file for divorce, because the insurance companies cannot turn me down on a pre-existing condition(s), and though I only have S.S. Disability to live on, he will be forced to pay me alimony for life, because of my condition.  I don’t care!  I deserve it!!!!  I put up with him for thirty-four years…and that includes 8 years of unemployment!!!!  I didn’t turn my back on him,..I stayed, so he could be with his family. 

    I am so stupid….

    8 like

    • Generic Image missykaye says

      No you are not stupid…you need a hobby to get your mind clear of all this terrible lifestyle.I cannot even think of any other advise I read your health condition and was thinking maybe a assisted living home might be your answer.They have nurses and others who help bathe and bring your food and also have the hairdressers come in once a week,I would think with your condition this would be something you really need.I think your room is just like a home like setting.I know some one who was there a long time ago.She got in through the social service…while you are there maybe you can see the lawyers that work with low income or fixed income to get what you need out of the divorce.Much LUCK to you!!!! Connie

      4 like

      • Audrey B Audrey B says

        This is a good idea, then you don’t have to deal with that bastard & get the care you need. I have met others that did this & it was the best thing. Get a phone & call some social agencies in your area. Call until you get what you need/want. Please! Do this, you won’t regret it. These places offer care, safety and activities. I think part of the reason you got/are sick is this situation you are in. Forget him, forget the past, you must move on & get control of your life again.

        7 like

    • KLE KLE says

      Katsie – My heart goes out to you.  My story is similar.  I had a stroke 5 years ago.  My husband still told me he loved me daily and a few years later he said he was unhappy and wanted to be with a coworker.  Looking back, I didn’t realize that because I had always been the caretaker of our household, he was unhappy that I was not the same person.  Over time, I believe that it was because he wasn’t the center of attention anymore.  He even said that he caused the stress that caused my stroke.  This was a total shock, I thought we’d get thru life together.  Anyway, I moved back to my hometown to be near family.  My daughter has worn herself thin helping take care of me.  Money and insurance is a big issue for me too.  My thoughts are with you, I’ll try to follow this.  May God bless and keep you.

      9 like

    • Generic Image lotydah says

      I’m so sorry for what you are going through.  I, too have fibromyalgia and know how it feels.  The pain from the illness is bad enough but the emotional pain is difficult too, because people can’t understand how bad this fibro crap can be.  I think I would talk to a councilor to see if they could help you deal with the marriage.  I know just getting dressed and going to a appointment is difficult.  I hope you find some peace.

      2 like

  3. Generic Image djpowers1208 says

    thank you guys-each one of you gave me something I need.23 years married-single again-scared-

                                                        Donna

    2 like

    • Generic Image EvelynVL says

      My marriage lasted 29 years longer than it should have. I meant it when the wedding vows said “till death do you part”. I was miserable most of he marriage, he obviously was as well. The last five years before the divorce he had affairs with women 15-21 years younger than him. He was a gracious person-calls me on the phone and says “I saw a lawyer, I filled for divorce.” Didn’t see that one coming that day. Now it’s been almost 3 years, he’s moved on this one is 15 years younger with junior high kids, ours is grown. The problem I can’t move on. I’m still angry. I can’t say I feel anything for him. I look at family photos and have absoultely no feelings, just the anger and the feeling to see him suffer as well. No the real question, what’s the problem?  I have no answer, but need one soon.

      6 like

      • Generic Image shirlbenn says

        Being angry is very normal. STAYING angry is allowing him to win. He still has that hold on you and only YOU can let it go. What do YOU want? Find that out and move on, friend. You do yourself nor your children any good by hanging on to that anger.

        12 like

      • Generic Image Young50sLady says

        You have to move on with your life.  He is happy and you admitted that you were miserable for most of the marriage.  He had affairs with women 15 to 21 years his age.  I wouldn’t worry about it so much.  Sometimes love means loving enough to let them go.  If we end up back with them in the end, it was worth it, but if not, goodbye to bad rubbish!

        6 like

    • Debbiefritz Debbiefritz says

      i was married 37 years, so you are not alone, but the independance is great, i dont have a lot of money but i have my peace of mine

       

      8 like

      • Generic Image pg58 says

        I, too, will be married 37 yrs. when my  husband will be leaving.  He is bipolar and our life has been up and down.  He met someone a few years ago and now wishes to be with her and her 3 young children. (Yes, he is medicated and says he now thinks clearer) She is 39 he is 60!  I  am sad some days and look forward to what’s ahead other days.  I do not have a lot of money-I a am teacher-but I, too, think the peace of mind and the ability to make my own decisions without worrying about his response and approval will be GREAT!!  His angry verbal outburst will be a “happy miss” as my great aunt once said.

        10 like

  4. Generic Image shirlbenn says

    I was married for 25 years when I finally said NO MORE! Was truly the best and worst of times.

    When the time comes to start looking again…..make a list of things you do NOT want in a friend or partner. I found that when I knew what I didn’t want again…..I could find what I did want. And did!

    8 like

  5. Debbiefritz Debbiefritz says

    I was married for 37 years, i think i stayed for my kids, then now that they have been gone for a while i realized there was no love, i didnt love him, i left like 4 times till i finally realized it wasnt right to go back, started ok but got back to the same thing, its hard, its been 4 months, but im doing ok, i love the independence, and now finally its about me not him

    7 like

  6. Generic Image dirt diva says

    I have just separated after just short of 25 yrs of marriage. I just couldn’t go through my 25th with “yep another year has passed.” In November would be married 25 years and that’s when I turn 50. so i hope this is not cheating to be on this site. I am where all of you are. We had a lot of trauma early on by losing our first son to SIDS after a long bed rest. That was the beginning of some very difficult years when I experienced a great deal of abandonment…not because he didn’t care but because he couldn’t deal and wouldn’t ask for help. Our relationship never horrible or abusive,  but we never really were able to reconnectr after we responded to his death in very different ways. We kept staying together because we didn’t want the kids to have to deal with fall out that divorces bring. They are both in college and will still have fall out. The difference is that they are independent, hard working compassionate and confident you men who had lots of love and attention from both parents growing up. The picture we had in our minds will now be torn up and replaced with new ones as we go forward.

     I am much happier and feel a great sense of relief even though many of the hard steps I know are yet to come. I have a great sister, many loving friends and my business which I am growing after 12 years in business. I am working with a couselor and talking with husband to work with a mediator rather than getting lawyers involved this early since we have both agreed to split. I would prefer to have the money in our pockets.

    I have concerns about insurance since this can’t be a bargaining chip in Virginia as far as I know. DOES ANYONE HAVE SUGGESTIONS ABOUT HEALTH INSURANCE. I am generally healthy but I am treated for PTS with a psychiatrist. I only need to see him 2x a year now for a med check so I think I could probably go through public mental health if necessary. I have a very small consulting business, but it is growing. Any suggestions from a self-employed small business owner on the subject of health insurance? I will be checking with the local chamber of commerce to which I belong for some options.

    What a great time in my life to have stumble onto this site. Thanks ladies!

    Dirt Diva  (a gardener who likes to dig and garden with bare feet and hands…otherwise known as dirt therapy)

    4 like

    • Generic Image Saralee says

      My story of 27 yrs married, the last 3 in separation, is too long to write but the insurance issue is a primary reason I’ve been dragging my feet. I am finally going after information on what can be done about it. I have talked to a lot of people & a lawyer. Bottom line is that it’s up to the Courts but you can ask for lots of things in consideration of the length of your marriage and what you “gave up” for your marriage/family (in my case, my earning potential will never match his because of a mutual decision to stay home for 10yrs to raise the kids till they were in school, even tho I was making the same as him at the time. I wanted to stay home with them but he wanted it for them too & to this day says it was the best thing we did. Plus even if I had wanted a “career” rather than just jobs that helped contribute to our income secondarily, I couldn’t have very well because we were relocated alot for HIS career) and now I am a Breast Cancer survivor for not yet 2 years so there’s that preexisiting issue. But my friend knows someone who won her petition for alimony (not much but $500 a month to help compensate for their salary difference) AND the payment of Individual health insurance. There are individual plans, they are just expensive but HE has to pay it & provide for her.  I didn’t want to ask for much because he has taken on all the college debt for the kids like we promised them we would (they will be paying their own Grad school debts) & he’s not rich, but my lawyer said, that’s very nice what you’re doing for your kids & I’m sure you’d eat dirt for them but that’s not a legal obligation, although it may be your emotional obligation. In the eyes of the law, his obligation is to YOU! She has encouraged me to seek what’s fair because at some point in a few short years, he’ll be done paying off that debt & he’ll still be making much more than me. So I’m researching to find out the best Carrier of Insurance with the best coverage/plan that will accept me and what the cost is so I can petition for that plus some alimony to make up for my lose of earning potential for staying home (&  then I will decide whether or not I will waive that during the years he is paying off the college loans).  The point is, Ladies, you need to GET STRONG AND FEEL VALUABLE. Everyone knows that even when both parents work, most often the woman takes care of the kids & home more than the man. It is still rare that that is equally shared. So I feel resentful of those decisions which were based on staying together & being provided for “till death do us part” and my lawyer agrees! Even in this “no fault” state. I am going to go after it and, whatever your fear is, find the solution and a good lawyer to help you get your freedom AND what you need from him because you earned it! OH and by the way, keep your freedom as  long as you  can.  I started dating because I went thru my grief and finally acknowledged to myself that the feeling was gone about a year after he moved out. It gave me such freedom that I felt really happy & moved on & wanted to go out! But beware…I fell in love and that’s a complication to happiness because now I have to consider someone besides myself again, just when I was enjoying my freedom from that entanglement & the kids are gone and he is NOT the best, but I’m in love and didn’t mean to be. I didn’t think about that part so I was taken by surprise by my feelings and to back out now would cause pain to someone I love and also…well obviously there’s a lot good in the relationship too, even if there are compromises. Life is full of that….stuff ….happens.  So I’ll just say: BE STRONG, HAVE A SENSE OF YOUR WORTH AND GO SLOW/TAKE YOUR TIME.  YOU CAN RULE! 

      4 like

      • Generic Image Saralee says

        PS: I’m a Dirt Diva too and there is such serenity in that “single” activity that it’s theraputic!

        1 like

    • Generic Image Rural New England says

      The health insurance thing scares the bejeebers out of me.

      Does anyone have experience with COBRA? Is it exactly like whatever insurance you presently have?

      We live in New Hampshire & state law does not cover corporations headquartered out of state & whose health insurance costs are self funded. Bingo! My situation.

      I am 59. Soon2BX says he’ll pay COBRA for 3 years then I am on my own. When I asked him for health coverage he says “you’ll get Medicare/Medicaid and why should you have anything more than what I’ll have at that age?” (I was a stay at home Mom–did have a few jobs over the years, nothing special–so he considers I did nothing)

      He’s a quiet man. A man who bottled up everything & refused to go into couples counseling until AFTER he abruptly left this past May. The counseling, from his point of view was strictly to get me to go along with the divorce peacefully. Now he absolutely RAGES at me. So I am really thinking this could end up a battle royal. I am in the process of getting an attorney.

      I have ongoing, drug resistant depression and arthritis (not severe but it has disfigured my hands).

      What he wants to settle on me is: $30,000 a year. He considers this generous. He grosses just over $100,000.

      Not enough to get supplemental insurance

      Since we owe more on our house (HIS house) than it is presently worth, any time I say I want half of the assests(options, stocks, tiem share) he says he’ll have the house assessed & I can share half of the debt, too. His new girlfriend is an accountant & I am hearing echoes all over the place. My husband has a will of iron, is very goal oriented, full of rage for me & I am in his sights.Even our 20 yr old son is bewildered by his actions.

      I have been suicidal over this. I am ok for now but we have a financial meeting coming up this Thursday and I am going to be prepared for the worst. No, I was not the perfect wife but how in the world I merited this I have no clue. All this and I did not marry until one month before my 36th birthday! You never know!

      6 like

  7. dcc1946 dcc1946 says

    I have been alone for 30 years, married for 15 years. I would not go back to married life for anybody. I enjoy doing what I want, go where I want to go, spend my money on whatever I want, etc. Do I get lonely, I was lonely when I was married. I am 63, got a divorce at 33. If I was to get married again, I would probably be some man’s caregiver. Waiting on him hand and foot, cooking his meals, washing his clothes, etc. If he dies before I do, then his children will get it all and not me. If you marry a younger man, he will probably be paying alimony or child support, cheating on you, or being jealous or possessive.  There you go. Enjoy your freedom. I had rather be single and wish I was married, then to be married and wish I was single.

    19 like

    • persimian persimian says

      I have read each and every one of these comments and although I have never been married, I  must admit after reading all these stories, plus seeing the hell my married friends have gone through I AM GLAD I NEVER GOT MARRIED!!! I agree with dcc1946 – single is better,much, much better. Marriage was made by men and for men.

      5 like

    • Generic Image Anonymous1 says

      AMEN…You are right…a younger man is paying child support, and definitely jealous and possessive…You have confirmed my thoughts.. STAY SINGLE and be in a monogamous relationship and things will be groovy…

       

      3 like

  8. candyalex candyalex says

    Don’t be afraid to be single… you really need to find out who you are… I was married at 17, stayed married for 25 year..single for 15 and now in a LT relationship.. I can really see the differnce in “me”, a better me because I know what I want and more importantly what I need.

    3 like

  9. nine oclock nine oclock says

    Being your own slave!
    The moment you begin to resent another person, you become their slave. They control your dreams, absorb your digestion, rob you of your peace of mind and goodwill, and take away the pleasure of your work. They weaken your religion and nullify your prayers.
    You can not take a vacation without them coming along! They destroy your freedom of mind and hound you wherever you go. There is no place to escape the person you resent.
    They are with you when you are awake. they invade your privacy when you sleep. They are hanging over your shoulder when you eat, drive a car or are on the job.
    You can never have efficiency or happiness. They influence even the tone of your voice. They require you to take medication for your indigestion, headache, and loss of energy. They even steal your last moments of consciousness before you go to sleep.
    So, IF you want to be a slave, …… harbor your resentments.
    (Reprinted from Christ the King Parish Bulletin)

    17 like

  10. Generic Image Diana777 says

    I was married for 27years and said to my ex husband” I love you and I need to leave” He didn’t get it. I did. Felt stifled.

     The most powerful thing to do is “Cutting the Ties That Bind”  This is a process that I facilitate which dissolves the energetic ties between you and your ex-partner or anyone else that you are in a co-dependent relationship. Take back your power.

    There is a difference between self worth and self esteem. Self worth can only be created or destroyed by you. Self esteem depends on people outside of yourself. Others approval of you can be very fickle, and you only feel good if they think you are O.K.

    Build your core strength, believe in yourself and clear any limiting beliefs that are holding you back 

    9 like

    • FusunA FusunA says

      quoting Diana777 : “There is a difference between self worth and self esteem. “

      How true.  I went through my own journey and wrote my memoir WILL OF MY OWN, which deals exactly with this – healing and moving on to find a new will of one’s own.  Cutting the ties is the longest and the most painful part of the journey, but it is also the healing process which brings one to a new beginning all one’s own.

      8 like

      • Generic Image Diana777 says

        Yeah for you. Actually cutting ties energetically is a very simple process, and doesn’t need to be painful. Depends on your beliefs.

        2 like

  11. Generic Image Selim19 says

    Last Sunday was our 40th anniversary.  He does not want to be married anymore.  That’s ok now, because the love I thought I had left has died since this cold, unkind. egotistical. vain person visited his brain.  We maybe had to struggle too much through the years – each with and for each other.  We had a child before marriage that I gave up for adoption.  I didn’t want to and I don’t know what he couod have done to save me or my mother for that matter, but I know now that I resented that he never mentioned it again (because, I find out, that he barely remembered).  Between the fact that I thought no one would want my damaged goods in 1967 and the fact that he had a seizure disorder and that I felt sorry for him, that no one would want him.  This is the first time and place I have verbalized this.  I wonder if it is revisionism or really a lot of the reason we married.  Regardless, we married, 2 other pregnancies ended badly (which I thought God wanted to pay me back for forfeiting one cnild). 

    Our rented house burned down 3 months after marriage (uninsured) and my husband had multiple seizures – had no license and I drove everywhere at the end of the 60′s and 70′s.  He critizcised my driving constantly, but I didn’t want to make him feel bad because of a condition that he couldn’t help.  But, yes he could, I took years, doctors. medication trials and monitoring, but the siezures were controlled, our lives got easier, we  both worked (earned about the same), eventually had 2 children of our own, had friends, family, a summer place and many good times.  Lots of fun ‘family’ times and  vacations. 

    His perfectionism and criticism  I took with a grain of salt because I was still somewhat confident.  I became an overachiever and while no one knew that in actual fact, I had only completed Grade 11, I  became  a mid level manager in industry and as a woman it was an interesting ride. 

    Now, I am 60 and last year when our youngest daughter became disabled (and had also had a seizure disorder), my mother was dying and his mother had a heart attack and I was working full time, he decided that ‘he was a one man show’ at home.  He was — I don’t dispute that, but since he emotionally distanced himself from the other stuff and I didn’t care what happened at home.  Hospitals, work and additional caregivers the most important to those we love(d).  He had 1 1/2 years at full pay he could have used to  contribute to help…..he was too busy at work!  A job where he  boasts since it is government, nobody really cares what anyone does.  Ultimately, in this economy, my record for the last year and my age contributed to being ‘down-sized’ from work.  Ergo…unemployed, 60, mother dead, daughter diabled, helping his mother transition to a more suitable place and the fact that he ‘had feelings’ for the lady he car-pooled with, - oh – and that I had become ‘common’ and fatter made him decide that separation was what he wanted.  Oh, and after that he changed his mind a couple of times (not really – no effort – no counselling)

    We are Canadian, he did not know what this could cost him.  He is extremely anxious that I find another job – which I am applying for and for some reason possibly have a couple of opportunities.  If I don’t get one, 1/2 of his pay will come to me.  We are still living in the same house,, it is horrible.  Need to selll NOW – he is stalling, but I am now arranging contractors to complete his ‘excuses’.

     My confidences ebbs and flows and despression almost crushes me at times.  He has no trouble calmly discussing the fact that if he can’t make a home with his car pool friend, then he has someone else in mind  because of course, as he says, I know that he can not live alone.  Oh my, he must think that at this point THAT MATTERS TO ME AT ALL.

    I don’t know what’s forthcoming, where I will live, what I will be doing, how my daughter will fair, if I will remain sane, if I will have enough money to live as opposed to exist, but I now have finally realized that this relationship is poison and he is the snake.

    I am so angry, so sad, so hurt, so doubtful, so enpowered, so weak, so strong that sometimes I despair for all of the feelings that can even go beyond those of the last year.

    I am no sure that I will get or expect an answer, but it has been cathargic (-sp?) to finally tell the truth somewhere, somehow.  Thanks for being an audience and for being strong women over 50.

    14 like

  12. Generic Image janiek says

    My ex-husband separated from me 2 years ago and the divorce was final almost one year ago, after 20 years of marriage.  I’m 57 and lost.  I cry at just the thought of his leaving.  We have 3 kids, 2 daughters and 1 son.  My oldest daughter is in college.  My middle child has moved in with her father, and she doesn’t call or come over.  In fact, she never even told me she was moving out of the house.  My son goes back and forth between us in the one-week-here, one-week-there arrangement.  My ex-husband showed his usual thoughtfulness by moving into a house just down the block.  He has a girlfriend (whom we both knew for years) who he has been with now for almost 1 year.  I see her car car parked there, or his truck gone late.  I’m frankly suicidal and stuck.  I see a therapist, who is trying to help me move on.  But I just feel there is nothing left – except still living for those of my children who will still talk to me.  These holidays have been horrible.  My father, mother and only sister all died in the late 1990′s and early 2000′s within a span of 6 years – so I have no other family other than my kids.  I don’t have close friends, as my ex-husband and I both work, and during our marriage we spent our time either working or concentrating on our children’s activities.  I have heard and read all the things to do- get out of the house, join groups….  I can’t even pull the drapes in my living room open.  I would like to crawl under a rock and never come out.   

    5 like

    • dcc1946 dcc1946 says

      Oh wow, you do have it bad. Your ex wants you to be upset, that is making him so happy. Start getting out with other people, if you do not know anyone, go alone. Go see, “It’s Complicated”, you will love it, I am sure. They say you can always meet nice people in church. Get yourself a new hair style, new clothes if you can’t afford it, you can always go to Good Will. Start getting out and try to move away from him, even if it is on the other side of town. It is not good for you to be only a block away and see his truck parked at her house. I bet his girlfriend is younger. If you can’t move, then act like you are having the time of your life, tell your friends that he did you a favor, you are so happy now. I am sure it will get back to him and you want it too. You don’t have to worry about being in a marriage, where you wonder, “who your husband is with or what he is doing”. Fake It Til You Make It. That is what I did, I have been divorce for 30 years. My ex is on his 3rd wife, I was the first one. You never know, your husband  could be miserable. Just try a few things that I mention. Go on a cruise. Just get away for a few days. Look at it this way, your kids are not small and you don’t have to worry about a baby sitter. Another good thing, you were married over 10 years and you can get a Social Security check from him. I am 63 and I get a little from my ex.   good luck to you.

      5 like

  13. Generic Image baybah says

    I’m gearing up for a divorce after 27 years. I became a stay at home mom 24 years ago. My husband is a very controling Type A (AAA) person and I’m very laid back. Good mix!!!! people would say. Yes it would have been of my husband had not been in love with money and a narsisist. He slowly and covertly cut me off from friends and family. Now most of my family live out of state and we are not close and he has worked it so that when we divorce I will truly be really alone. He even brainwashed the kids. The last 2 years have been bad and the last 10 month has been mind-boggling. When we got maried I had so many friends I didn’t know what to do with them all – now they are shadows from th past he has made sure of that. Plus friends seem t hide under rocks when divorce type things happen. I have point blank said ” I’m lonely and I really need you to come over sometime today and we will order a pizza and take a walk and they  don’t come. I let them pick the time, how long we spend together – I had a friend say she had to blow dry her hair. Friends are a farce.

    6 like

  14. Generic Image baybah says

    I’m gearing up for a divorce after 27 years. I became a stay at home mom 24 years ago. My husband is a very controling Type A (AAA) person and I’m very laid back. Good mix!!!! people would say. Yes it would have been of my husband had not been in love with money and a narsisist. He slowly and covertly cut me off from friends and family. Now most of my family live out of state and we are not close and he has worked it so that when we divorce I will truly be really alone. He even brainwashed the kids. The last 2 years have been bad and the last 10 month has been mind-boggling. When we got maried I had so many friends I didn’t know what to do with them all – now they are shadows from th past he has made sure of that. Plus friends seem t hide under rocks when divorce type things happen. I have point blank said ” I’m lonely and I really need you to come over sometime today and we will order a pizza and take a walk and they  don’t come. I let them pick the time, how long we spend together – I had a friend say she had to blow dry her hair. Friends are a farce.

    2 like

  15. Generic Image Luli says

    Good posts here.

    I was married about 25 years, 2 kids — I was 50 when we all separated — the kids to college, jobs — it was hell, I was so lonely.  My social network had been my wonderful in-laws! So sons, husband, social network was gone. I was in shock.

    I went to several divorce recovery groups. I definitely had depression as well, and yeah, if crawling under a rock was possible, I’d have done it. The legal divorce was very long, only finished it up about 3-4 years ago. It was pretty much horrible with a few plateaus of feeling ok. But mostly lonely, very lonely.

    I had a brief relationship with a man about 3 years ago — but I really haven’t looked for someone to date — I’m 60 now; that seems to be a huge thing, 60. Ugh.  Anyhow, I just stopped a job in July; maybe I have some assets I can live on, but I’m in the middle of trying to figure out the finances.

    It was hell, a lot of the time — me very lonely, maybe angry — he remarried — his boss’s secretary — he’s out of state. My oldest son is out of state; we are in touch a few times a year. My youngest son is 27 and very distant. The divorce was hardest on him.

    Even with therapy and divorce groups, it has been a very hard decade. I had a lot of self-criticism for making lots of mistakes — and now, I’m kind of in limbo — I was a social worker for the last 15 years, but it got harder and harder, and the job evaporated in the summer. (Our state has bad economic problems) But, I can’t do that kind of work any more — too much sadness with my clients got too hard for me.

    Even though I know my ex and I did not have a good marriage at the end — at least 4-5 years — it still was hugely sad for me. Now I’m 60, and so, what to do?

    I haven’t met anyone I’d like to be with. I have two women friends I can share my feelings with, who accept me as I am…I go to yoga once a week; I’m working on my finances to get a realistic grip on what I can spend etc. But I feel somewhat “rudder” less.

    I used to have a role; even though I worked parttime while being a mom (spouse traveled all the time, Mon-Friday) I got my MSW degree — but my kids were really my life, I guess. so I don’t really have a “role” now. Maybe it’s bad to write this, but my kids and husband were the biggest thing I ever had in my life — the most important — and the loss of all that stings with sadness — even though I know my ex & I were not good together at the end of the marriage. Part of me thinks, I’ll never have anything that big in my life again; a big difficult loss.

    Maybe I’m just venting. Thanks for being here.

    By the way, I was on Cobra for 3 years; I paid my own premiums to my ex’s company. When Cobra expired, I went to Blue Cross Blue Shield, and I am paying a lot for a policy that has no mental health coverage or prescription coverage.

    I know I am not the only over fifty out there who’s gone through a lot. I really did not ever think I’d be this age in these circumstances — I guess I thought I’d be with family of one kind or another — didn’t realize my sons would be so independent — that I’d sometimes feel adrift –

    I’m grateful for my two friends who don’t mind if I boo-hoo once in a while. I think it’s really normal to grieve for as long as it takes — But I’m not the confident happy person I’d hoped I’d be!

    Thanks again….

    7 like

    • Generic Image Jan Brown says

      I feel you pain and I absolutley identify with almost everything you said.  My husband of 32 years came home one day and told me he had been having an affair.  He moved right in with her.  I miss him so bad I can hardly stand it.  My daughters are grown.  One lives out of state and I only see her a few times a year and the youngest is having a difficult time dealing with this herself.  I’m stuggling with a job that pays very little.  I feel your pain.  I see this post is almost a year old and I hope by now you have gotten some better.  This happened to me 9 days after you wrote this post.

      5 like

    • Generic Image They will put "at least she was a Great Mom" on my tombstone... says

      Hey there I see you wrote this in 2010 and its now Jan 2013 so I hope you get to see this somehow. Your post is the one I most relate to–the kids were/are the most important thing in my life. We married in our 30s (which ironically, I thought that meant we would be less likely to be a “divorce” statistic). I am now about to turn 60 and our 3 kids are around college age (one has been out a couple of years). So, in the last 2 years my youngest left to go to college and my husband left too. I feel so overwhelmed at times—I need to figure out what work/career to pursue (my friends struggle to get hired at this age—-a career track in a corporate environment? Here comes the new intern, or management trainee……just call me Granny). The shift to another direction is tough and somewhat lonely. The kids did not go to colleges near our town and likely won’t ever move back. We live in a smallish town –about 40,000. Anyway while I have not focused the last 25 years on friends (we moved here from a large city where we met). This is “his” town. His family has a 5th generation business here. He is well known because he runs the company, and people think he’s a God because of his family and business civic participation. I struggle with wanting to move away from here but I now have no living family, and my kids lives are in total transition–none are married and who knows where their careers will take them? So I’ll tell you what. Although I am done with the primary care taking of the kids, I have decided that I will ALWAYS be a champion for each of them. I need to pull it together just to lift some of the emotional burden they have endured as a result of this. It has been tough on them. I will be amicable with their Dad who cheated on me and ended up being very disrespectful. I strive to forgive him because I am determined NOT TO FEEL BITTER. His cheating has ended up damaging our kids as much or more than me. There is a huge trust issue for them all. But again, for their sake, they need a strong relationship with their Dad for maximal mental health. So I say to you— your kids are gone and even one has chosen a side with him. Put on you Mom armor and consider their needs (and yours of course). Maybe we’re a little old to start a career track as a new chapter, but we need to buck up and be as strong as possible. Make the best of it. Show grace and dignity. I say this to bolster myself as much as you. I hope this may help. God Bless.

      9 like

  16. Generic Image wertyu says

    I am coming to the end of a long relationship. I endured being in this toxic relationship years too long because I dreaded being alone. Many women have found themselves alone in their senior years and appear to be content, some seem quite happy. I’d like some input from those of you who are in your 50′s and up on how you maintain a happy, purposeful, and fulfilled life. Also, how you deal with those times of loneliness and depression.
        I’m retired and working a parttime job for the next few weeks, child and grand children live across the country, I’m a member of a couple of community organizations, and attend church regularly. Unfortunately, I don’t have many friends. The two close friends I have are home bodies. Never want to go anywhere or do anything. They are too broke, too tired, or too unmotivated. Due to my age and my being kind of quiet, I find it difficult to find and make new friends.
        I’m trying to change my mindset and priorities so that I too can be content with life without a man.

    3 like

  17. Generic Image They will put "at least she was a Great Mom" on my tombstone... says

    To Katsie – 
    Hey I want to address the problem you are struggling with — how to leave when you rely on his health insurance, pure and simple.  Katsie, you get a lawyer and they will draw up a separation document that specifies that he covers your insurance for the indefinite future.  Also, I would recommend moving to a place that helps women get back on their feet — not a homeless shelter, although that is an option too.  No — in our town there is a large house that is supported thru United Way — women who are in transition are allowed to stay up to a year.  A domestic violence shelter could be your first step — you can stay in one for a few months, then on to the transitional place.  
    There are solutions to your situation.  You need to gather information.  You will undoubtedly qualify for many forms of assistance. Start making phone calls to find out what that encompasses.  Also contact the drug manufacturer(s) you rely upon most, or are just costing you the most, and write to tell them you are in a hardship situation.  They often will PAY FOR YOUR DRUGS.  Maybe not forever, but for awhile, a long while.  
    Get a post office box so your mail does not come to your home.  Get the heck out of there and away from this man.  I would like to restate that a Domestic Violence Shelter (even in another town) will work on the spot.  
    May I suggest that you may start to feel better physically and mentally (not suggesting that leaving takes care of serious health problems).  You will improve and feel better just interacting with people who are not going to pull you down.  Do it Katsie, and soon!  
    God bless and good luck — the best is yet to come for you.

    8 like

  18. Generic Image Jan Brown says

    I was married for 32 years and my ex moved out of our house and moved in with a women with whom he was having an affair.  I was devastated as many of you were.  I still have vey bad days or time periods, but I am much better.  That was four years ago and I still have a lot of healing to do.  It still seems unreal to me.  I had a lot of advice on this website with people advising me to just move on.  If I would act happy I would feel happy which to me is just bullshit.  Anyway, somewhere I ran across a statement by someone and she mentioned Meetup.  I looked it up and found a website for Meetup.  I did a search for my area and was able to join a singles group after 40 years old.  I have made a few friends from this group.  We usually have dinner together at least once a week.  We have other activities also.  Anyway, it was sort of a life saver for me.  The group is mostly made of women, but that’s okay.  It got me started going out.  There are all types of Meetup groups.  Some of them for young people some for people like us.  If there is not a Meetup group in your area you can start one.  It’s really pretty cheap to start the group and you might meet some interesting people.  I am very thankful for meetup.  And if I see one more person telling another one just to get over and move on because you’re only letting him have the control I think I’ll throw up.  You cannot make yourself feel better just by telling yourself you will.  I’m much better, still a long way to go, but it wasn’t from just telling myself that I was going to feel better.  Actually I have been giving my hurt to God.  I don’t know how to explain it but it helps me to trust him to take care of me.  I think each person has to work this all out for themselves.
     

    2 like

    • Generic Image AnneB says

      Thanks Jan…my divorce was yesterday and the day before, the day of, and the day after I kept being told the same thing, “It will get better when you decide to make it better” or “It’s in the past now, you just need to get over it…”

      I’m thinking that here I am with no one to talk to because no one wants to hear about my pain.  The divorce was final YESTERDAY.

      And I was married 32 years as well.

      Thanks for keeping it real.  I’ll be going to God with my pain too.  I asked Him just tonight to flood my being with peace.  God bless you in your journey.  And again, thanks for keeping it real.

      4 like

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