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4 years ago
Today's Featured Comment
Just found this thread. Like so many others here, I too have walked the line between giving in, giving up, or getting out. When I thought there was no salvation left for my daughter. I had seriously considered suicide but then something miraculous happened. I met an angel.
He came at the exact time I thought I would get in my car and wrap it around a tree somewhere so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of it anymore. Yes, this was a total stranger who walked up to me and said, I know your pain, I can help you, if you can just hold on a little longer.
The world works in mysterious ways sometimes. I didn’t go to Al-Anon because I was ashamed that I could have let this happen to my girl. Instead, I started writing, because I kept hearing my angel's voice in odd ways, at times when I felt abandoned by the world. I started talking back and writing it down so that it would be real. This in no way stopped my daughter's addiction but it helped me get through nearly a decade of self loathing and hatred of her addiction. It helped me get through my self-hatred because I was the mom, the glue factory, the one that could make everything better with a kiss and a hug.
I published my diary, "Dancing With The Devil” because I wanted others to know that you have to hang on. That does not mean you should enable them, it means you have to hang on to the good things that get you, as a mother, a woman, through each day.
Each time I thought she’d hit her bottom (she used everything) I would take a deep breath and think it was over, but she was living in a ‘bottomless pit’ of bottoms. After her last rehab nearly two years ago, we were excited, finally, because through several months or work on her part she had finally gotten sober. We waited anxiously for her plane to come (we had sent her out of state) and then we waited some more. The stewardess called me and asked that question you never want to hear…
“Are you the mother of…?……The paramedics are on the way………They’ll call you……”
Blah blah blah.
I had been turned to stone.
She, like many other addicts come out of rehab only to decide they want one last hurrah. She had overdosed on heroin, her last drug of choice.
Well, I finished writing the book in that horrible little cubicle in the emergency room under those awful glaring lights because I knew that if I didn’t I would surely lose all of myself that night. As I watch the heart monitor race up and down , back and forth I realized that I never had the power to fix her. I knew then I had to let go and let the higher powers watch over her.
The good news is…..that WAS HER VERY BOTTOM!
She’s been sober two years coming up on May 21. She’s gone back to school to become an esthetician and is muddling her way through life now in a much better way.
She calls me her angel because I didn’t give up on her. I call her my angel because she taught me what I needed to know about myself. That I am stronger than I think, that I have the capacity to love no matter what, that I have stamina and tenacity.
Keep praying for peace for your son because that’s the right thing to do. Maybe the higher power will follow him on this journey and when it sees an opening will act to help him become the man he probably always dreamed he’d become.
[This comment was originally posted in this conversation. ~ Eds.]
Family & Relationships
by VN Featured Comment . June 8, 2012