I wanted to elaborate a bit more ona Wall Street JournalarticleI mentioned. “The Joy of Researching the Health Benefits of Sex,” (a play on the famous book, The Joy of Sex) talks about what researchers are finding about the physiology of sex and the health benefits that may come along with it—a topic I’m always interested in exploring.
Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego, says some benefits are obvious even without scientific evidence. “When you have good sex, there’s a relaxation response and a satiation response… you lie there and life is great.”
That’s the result of hormones and neurotransmitters that rise and fall during sexual activity, especially dopamine and oxytocin. That nice relaxed feeling is what sometimes causes people to fall asleep right afterwards. In fact, in a 2006 survey of 10,000 British men, 48 percent admitted to having fallen asleep duringsex!
Not that we want to encourage that,but it’s comforting to know there’s a physiological reason for it.
Another researcher, Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of the West of Scotland, says all this relaxation can be very helpful in reducing stress in both men and women. In one study, he had people keep diaries of their sexual activities for two weeks, then took their blood pressure while performing a stress-inducing activity such as adding numbers rapidly in their heads. Those who had had intercourse during the fortnight had smaller blood pressure spikes more quickly than those who had no sex at all.
While you’ve probably experienced a peaceful feeling immediately following sex, you may not have been aware that its benefits were so long lasting.
Researchers have also studied sex and its relationship to cancer: Can frequent sex lower the risks of some types of cancer? Although there is evidence that does point to that, most researchers say there are too many other variables in the studies to draw any certain scientific conclusions about it.
The real lesson, says Dr. Erick Janssen, a senior scientist at the Kinsey Instituteat Indiana University, is how sex can contribute to our overall well-being. “If you’re having sex in a frequency and in a way that is compatible with who you are, then that’s healthy.”
One of the things Kristine and I recommend in our workshops is to write a letter to your daughter.
Writing a letter to your daughter establishes a connection that doesn’t demand that you be in the same room. As our daughters were growing up, sometimes they needed physical distance so they could say, “I’m making my own decisions, I can do this on my own.”
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A letter connects with them in a way that’s not threatening and doesn’t demand an immediate response. They can read it and digest it as they’re able. It’s a wonderful way for moms at this stage to communicate with their girls.
My most precious daughter,
If there is any lesson I would want to leave with you, it is to love yourself. Find peace with who you are and don’t look outside yourself for acceptance and love. Find it deep within yourself and treasure it always. When you love yourself like that, you will know the kind of love I will always have for you.
What would you write in a letter to your daughter?
There’s a school of thought that says being authentic means allowing your hair to be whatever color and texture it naturally is and forget about color and styling regimens. Then there’s another school of thought that says being authentic means being true to what feels right and what makes you feel good…and that just might include being blonde rather than gray or spending fifteen minutes with a blow-dryer and flat iron in the morning.
My opinion? Choosing the second path doesn’t make you any less genuine than someone who chooses a more chaste ideal of beauty. Your aesthetic sense of who you are is a choice that remains fluid and flexible—enabling you to decide as you go what to add, refresh, change, or leave behind in the looks department.
While the emotional pull of aging naturally and gracefully provides us with enormous satisfaction, it can also leave us with unrealistic expectations. That’s because our looks, including hair care, matter the same way diet, exercise, and health matter.
Are you okay with being just fine? I’m not and I’m going to share with you why we should stop settling for fine. Is fine just a pat answer to avoid looking at how you really are? What does it actually me to be FINE? One of the dictionary’s definitions of fine as it relates to the human condition is – “satisfactory or acceptable.”
I don’t know about you, but I’m not happy with satisfactory. When I was struggling with high school physics, satisfactory was GREAT…but for life, NO…I don’t want to be fine. I want to be real and authentic and live BIG and in order to do that, I have to make a decision every, single day to not settle for FINE!
Fine says that you’re okay with the status quo. Are you?
Fine says that you’re okay with things staying the same. Are you?
Fine says you’re okay with everything just the way it is. Are you?
Some people are perfectly okay with fine, but there’s so much more on the horizon waiting for the individual who doesn’t want a fine life.
What happens if you settle for fine? Only you can answer that question, but take a moment and really think about it. For me…I’d rather disappear than to just live a fine life. Fine is for someone who’s content to “just go along”…never have an opinion…never set boundaries…never explore passion or desire…never get uncomfortable. Fine doesn’t ask much of us.
Too many women who are living a fine life. We’re taught not to rock the boat. We’re taught to fit in. We’re taught to just be okay. And that’s what we settle for until.. fine doesn’t work anymore. On the day that happens to you, everything changes, because you’re no longer content with the status quo. There will be a voice that says,”Go be YOU. Go out into the world and do what you were meant to do!” And pretty soon, you won’t be able to ignore it.
Here’s how to set Fine free…
1. Step up and declare it! “I’m no longer content with Fine!”
2. Decide what it is that needs to be changed.
3. You have to get comfortable with what’s uncomfortable. Change requires us to be uncomfortable.
4. Accept where you are right now because everything that you’ve ever done has meaning and relevance and has shaped who you are.
5. Take small steps each day towards your new way of living your life and be gentle with yourself.
Leaving fine behind does not happen overnight. You’ll have days of happiness and sadness and bliss and frustration and days when you’re just GREAT. But FINE won’t be an option.
Here’s a good exercise to get you started. Grab your journal and quickly write all the ways that you allow fine to enter your life. And then once you’re finished with that, highlight one thing on your list that you won’t allow to be fine anymore; and then make a decision to start changing that.
One of my Hormone Harmony Club members recently had a hysterectomy. Within 4 weeks, she was posting questions about how to address the skin changes she was already starting to notice…wrinkles, sagging and dryness.
With the exception of puberty, there is no more challenging time for your skin than when you go through menopause (or in this case, instant menopause caused by the hysterectomy). Roller coaster hormones make all kinds of skin problems fair game in this time of your life.
With estrogen on the wane as menopause progresses, testosterone steps up to wreak havoc when it comes to what’s happening on your face. Surges of testosterone cause acne on your face, neck, back and chest. Stress also creates contributes to changing hormone levels and may make you more likely to break out.
While testosterone muscles up on the acne front, decreasing estrogen is working to break down your collagen and elastin and thin the dermis, leading to fine lines and wrinkles. You may also notice that your skin lacks the glow that it once had and that broken capillaries are appearing just below the surface of your skin. Hair becomes thinner and nails may break more easily.
So, what’s a gal to do? While these problems may seem like big obstacles to overcome, there are some simple things you can do to restore balance to your body and your skin.
Exercise increases your circulation and gets oxygen to your tissues. Not only will you feel better, but your skin will thank you.
Approximately 30 percent the calories you consume should be from carbohydrates, and of those carbohydrates, the majority should come from fresh fruits and vegetables high in vitamins and minerals. Forty percent of your diet should be in the form of lean protein, and 30 percent from healthy fats. Keep salt to a minimum to avoid fluid retention.
Our bodies are mostly water. And our skin is our biggest organ. Makes sense, then, that you need lots of water to keep your skin healthy. Aim for at least ½ oz. per pound of body weight. This will flush your system and help your skin reclaim its glow.
The likelihood of skin cancer goes up as you age, especially if you were an “iodine and baby oil” teenager (you know who you are). Daily use of a broad-spectrum SPF is a must in all skincare regimens, but avoid sunscreen that contains hormone disruptors (avobenzone and oxybenzone).
Choose Cosmetics and Skin Care Wisely
As important as what goes into your body is what goes on your body. Choosing a skincare regimen that is right for you is vital. Look for products that use pharmaceutical-grade ingredients. You can find out more about the safety of your cosmetic products at www.safecosmetics.org.
I also recommend having a consultation with a holistic aesthetician who can guide you in the use of herbs and oils for your skin. This can save you a LOT of money in the long run AND keep your skin looking beautiful.
1. Dating falls flat when your dating mojo is missing…
As confident as you might feel at work – and why wouldn’t you be? You’ve been doing it forever and you’ve learned the tools and developed the resources that makes you good at what you do – this confidence doesn’t translate to how you might feel today as a woman over 50 stepping into the dating world.
Yikes…this part of your life means having to meet new men who might judge you or not like you. Pretty scary!
I’ve had clients who were powerhouses in their chosen fields. If you asked them what their confidence level was on a scale from 1-10, it would be 10+++ but asked the same question about dating, the number often plummeted to 2 or even into negative numbers.
As we all know, our bodies and our faces have changed with age. In such a youth oriented culture, it’s easy to forget just how amazing you really are at this time in your life.
And you really are! You have wisdom and a passion for life from knowing who you are and what you bring to the world.
This is called inner beauty and it’s something that makes you glow from the inside out enhancing your outer beauty. This whole package is something young women don’t have yet.
It’s also something men are highly attracted to in the women they want to date. Your job is to find your inner beauty and bring it out into the world for all to see.
2. You’re only looking for a George Clooney type of guy who is handsome and rich and yet, you’re finding his clone doesn’t exist…
Last time you dated, chances are the guys you were attracted to looked a lot different than those faces you see online today.
The men of our youth were young, hot, had longer hair, toned bodies and handsome faces. Where are they now? Well, I’ll let you in on a secret… they are the over 50’s men you see online with grey hair, glasses and bellies who want to date you.
And what you are probably thinking when you look at them is, my friends tell me I look young and these men look so old.
George and the men who look like him have one thing going for them you can see right away…they are handsome on the outside. But it doesn’t mean they are great guys on the inside. That’s a story we’ve made up about the beautiful people. If they are beautiful, they must be the best.
It’s not necessarily true. What’s in a man’s heart and how he treats a woman is what really counts. Some of those older looking, grey haired, fuddy duddies are amazing men that women pass over daily.
They may be far more fun, caring and loving than you think. Turn your over 50’s dating life around by giving one of them a chance. He may turn out to be a great catch.
3. You expect to feel instant chemistry to go out with a man again…
Want to know what chemistry really is? It’s a hormonal release that started back in the caveman days. It meant this person was a potential mate for making strong babies that could survive the brutal elements of the time.
It’s useful even today for young adults who are looking for a mate to build a life with including children, the dog and the house.
But over 50’s dating is different. This part of your life is not about building like it was in your 20’s. It’s about finding someone to share a good life with who will make a great companion for you. And who will be there to support you and you support him…through both the good times and the challenging times that can come with aging.
It’s worth adding this quality into the equation for figuring out your attraction factor after 50.
I’d love to show you how to jumpstart your dating life. It doesn’t have to be as hard as you might be making it. If this is something you’d like to do, click the link to find out more about how you can make dating after 50 far more fun and easy.
No conversation about dementia is easy, especially when it regards someone you love. Talking about sex is no piece of cake, either. But any conversation about Alzheimer’s or dementia ought to include sex.
Because sex will very likely be an issue that caregivers have to deal with at some point. A recent patient told me that sex remains a very special connection with her husband, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s; she looks to preserve that connection as long as possible.
We are sexual creatures all our lives. Alzheimer’s doesn’t change that fact, although it will alter the experience and expression of sex in a relationship—both for the person with dementia and for the partner. It’s better to be emotionally prepared and to have your resources in place than to be taken by surprise by loss or uncharacteristic or embarrassing behavior.
So, let’s talk.
A diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease is heartbreaking. Its progression is long and unpredictable. There is no cure, although some drugs slow its advance. As one daughter said, “It’s like my father was taken away, little bits at a time.”
Unfortunately, it’s also becoming more common. In 2014, 5 million Americans over 65 were living with Alzheimer’s disease, two-thirds of whom were women. With the graying of America, those numbers will only increase.
You can’t predict the course of the disease or how it will affect your partner’s sexuality. Sex may be something that brings you both comfort, as my patient found. The body has its own memory, and the familiar movements and routines, the physical contact, may be reassuring and helpful to both of you.
But your partner may also become cold and withdrawn, confused and clumsy, or aggressive and uninhibited as the disease progresses.
He or she may lose interest in sex or become unresponsive—neither resisting nor responding nor initiating physical contact. This hurts, and it feels like rejection, even though you know it’s the disease talking. It may help to remember that intimacy comes in many and varied forms—as simple as brushing his hair behind his ears or a reassuring squeeze.
For all of us, touch remains a primal and powerful form of human connection. Your partner may be comforted by gentle, loving touch, and it may be an important way for you to stay connected as well. Hold hands, hug, cuddle, rub his or her back.
As your partner becomes more dependent and childlike, or the burden of physically caring for him or her becomes more demanding, you may lose interest in sex as well. Or you may lose interest in sex with your partner. You may feel guilty about this, but you may also feel frustrated or even turned off by your partner or by the intimate tasks of daily care.
This is normal and understandable. It’s tough to cope with daily life, with the grief of witnessing the transformation and ultimate loss of a lover and life-partner.
But there is another moral and legal morass to be aware of as well as you juggle your own sexual and emotional needs with the changing and sometimes ambiguous needs of your partner. Marital sex has to be consensual, but what happens if your partner no longer has the capacity to consent? Laws against marital rape at that point become murky, a a number of unsettling stories illustrate.
At the other end of the spectrum, people with diseases like Alzheimer’s may lose inhibitions, especially sexual inhibitions. They may strip or fondle themselves in public; they may become sexually aggressive or make inappropriate comments to family, caregivers, and strangers. They may want to have sex, and then forget they just did. They may ask who you are while you’re having sex.
These actions are embarrassing, painful, frustrating, exhausting, and even scary. It’s hard to know how to respond and keep your cool.
Sometimes, your partner may not be acting out sexually at all, but may simply need to go to the bathroom or be wearing clothes that are hot or uncomfortable. You’ll need to assess these needs quickly, while both reassuring your partner, deflecting his or her confusion or embarrassment and dealing with the reactions of others.
Did I mention that you’ll need physical and emotional resources in place before the disease gets too advanced?
You may need help figuring out how to engage and reassure your partner, how to shield others, like grandchildren and caregivers, from inappropriate behavior, and how to maintain your own equilibrium during it all.
To comfort and engage your partner and to maintain intimacy and connection, you could
Go through old photo albums together and reminisce about the past
Play music—the tunes you used to listen to together or quiet, soothing melodies
Take walks together (exercise is incredibly important for both of you)
Keep children and animals in your lives
Do simple cooking or gardening projects or maintain hobbies your partner used to love. One woman with dementia can no longer drive, shop, or cook, but she finds release and comfort in the physical activity of caring for her garden. Are there similar activities that could continue to engage and soothe your partner?
And please don’t neglect your own health and emotional well-being. Alzheimer’s disease is long-term, and you’ll have to seek out long-term ways of coping.
Arrange for regular respite care
Find a support group of people who are also caring for loved ones with Alzheimer’s. You need to talk with people who understand what you’re going through.
Find stress-relievers of your own. What soothes and relaxes you?
Don’t neglect exercise, particularly if you can get outdoors.
After all the years together, you are the one most familiar with and comforting to your partner. The one who knows him or her best. You want to be there for the one you love, but don’t forget to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Your online dating profile is the first introduction a man has to you. You are literally marketing yourself to the male population online. For some women that sounds horrid but in real life we do it all the time.
If you met a man at a party, you would be doing the same thing; showing him your best side. The only difference is in real life you have time to immediately correct a faux pas.
Online, you don’t have that luxury so you need your profile to show you off in a way that will catch a man’s eye and interest right away. Since this is your first meet and greet, you want your profile to sound flirty and fun. That’s how you would be in real life.
Think again about when you met someone in person. You might laugh more at his jokes, you pay closer attention to what he says, and you show your best side. Here are the 9 rules for doing the same thing online.
Excitement is what you want a man feeling when he’s done reading what you’ve written. You want him to push that email button as fast as he can to contact and meet you.
When determining what you want to put in your profile, you need to first know what your best qualities are. There’s nothing sexier to a man than your confidence. When you feel good about yourself, you will become a male magnet.
Come up with ideas or small stories that paint a picture of the two of you that a man can imagine himself in. You want to use a scene like this to capture the interest of a man. He won’t see the scene exactly like you do, but he is capable of visualizing the story you’ve created with him in it. And if he does, you’ve hooked him. If he can picture himself in your story, more than likely he will write to you.
Make your profile flirty. He doesn’t need to know everything about you in this first introduction.
3. The fewer “I’s” the better.
Think about it. When you go to a party and you meet someone who keeps saying, “I do this, I like that, I am this,” don’t you get bored? You might get stuck with that person for a long time unless someone rescues you.
Online, you have fewer than 10 seconds to get his attention before he moves on. Make them count! Try making your profile title catchy, using activities you’re involved with to create your online name. They can be kind of silly, but that’s okay. Your goal is to get a man’s attention quickly. Between your smile, a great picture and a goofy or clever name, you’ve got a chance to stand out from everyone else and be noticed.
4. Use proper spelling and grammar.
One big pet peeves for many men is horrible spelling and grammar in profiles. You can write your profile in Microsoft Word or other document programs so that it highlights any mistakes, and then cut and paste the paragraphs you’ve written to your profile online.
Little things like typos can be enough to make men quickly move on to someone else’s profile.
5. Don’t include these common faux pas.
I want you to know that in my 40’s, I made some of the dumbest mistakes when it came to profiles. I wrote things about making love on a beach with my soul mate. What in the world was I thinking? It sounded romantic to me. Leave sex out of your profile. It gives men the wrong impression and encourages those you probably aren’t interested in to write to you.
Leave out the words I’m looking for my soul mate from your profile. Men have told me they see it in every woman’s profile. Your goal is to look unique; not the same as everyone else.
6. Don’t brag.
Particularly, don’t brag about your out of this world looks. Men see what you look like but if you tell them in a bragging way, they’ll think you’re stuck up and move on.
7.Don’t make demands.
Try not to make demands in your profile about salaries and how you’d like to be entertained at the most expensive restaurants in your area. Even guys with money don’t want a woman telling them where to go and what to do.
They’ve had enough demands in their life including those put on them by ex-wives and families. They’re not looking for a repeat of what they just left.
8.Be true to who you are.
Otherwise it’s like false advertising, which is hard to keep up. Don’t try and pretend to be a certain way just to attract a Quality Man, when in reality, you are not that woman.
You have no control over who he ultimately wants or is looking for. You only have control over what you want in a Quality Man.
In fact, you do yourself a disservice pretending to be who you think a man wants. It actually sets you up for the wrong type of man to come into your life. Plus, it starts the relationship off in a false way. Be your authentic self and convey that in your profile.
9. End with a hook.
End your profile with a sentence that asks a man to show you he is interested. For example, “If romance and passion appeal to you like they do to me, let me know.” In other words, if he likes what you like, let you know by writing back.
I’d love to hear what you think in the comments!
Lisa Copeland, best-selling over 50’s dating book Author and Dating Coach who makes finding a great guy fun and easier after 50, is the founder of Find A Quality Man. To get your FREE Report, “5 Little Known Secrets To Find A Quality Man,” visit www.findaqualityman.com.
I really love this site. There is so much great advice for every woman who is dating again after a long marriage or whatever reason took her out of the dating scene for a very long time. It is, indeed a very changed place from what we knew 20 or more years ago, there isn’t any denying that.
There are a few things about it that are great, but there’s a great deal about it that can be difficult for us women of a certain age. Sure, when we were fresh as a daisy, dating was like falling off a log. Now, not so much. But to think that one of those was great and the other sucks, well I just don’t agree with that, and the reason is because men were like trains and one came along ever 5 minutes – does that mean you ended up making great choices? Not necessarily.
Sometimes you make a hell of a lot better decisions when you have to work for things. Sometimes you make great choices for yourself when you have matured and gotten to know who you are, what you want, what is important to you in life and what is not. It definitely becomes easier to do what is right for yourself when you accept the very real and sobering fact that you don’t have any more time to waste on finding the life that makes you happy. There’s a freaking wake up call.
But here is what makes me sad. Listening to women who are becoming cynical about love in general and specifically their prospects for finding “A Good Man”, as if he’s some mythical creature harder to bag than a unicorn.
It seems like there are a number of common themes among women who say they can’t find the right person for them, at least from what I’m hearing. This is what I think is happening most frequently:
1) Your most recent or significant relationship was with someone who treated you like crap (or more accurately, someone you allowed to treat you like crap) over a long period of time, and now the easy thing to do is say all men behave that way, so why bother. Every man you lay eyes on is viewed through that dark lens, and really, who’s going to ever measure up? He’d have to be super human. Men are flawed, just like we are. They aren’t saints and they aren’t all villains. Not by a long shot. There are so many kind, caring, wonderful, loving men in this world who want nothing more than to make us happy, and that my dear is a fact.
2) Your most significant relationship had sex issues, big time. Either you had (have) them, your partner had them – whatever the reason, the sexual part of your relationship was horrible. So now you think you are ready to just close off that part of your life, and you are finding that the men of the world aren’t willing to do the same thing – and you think this is a problem WITH THEM. Here’s a fact. Finding a man who is going to completely forego having sex with you and call that a healthy relationship really is going to be almost as hard as finding that unicorn. Sex isn’t bad, or wrong, and men aren’t bad or wrong for wanting it (and plenty of women most certainly do as well). Yes, there are dogs out there aplenty. If he pressures you right out of the gate, sure, ditch him if that’s not how you roll. It doesn’t make him a pervert or a sex maniac. It just shows he’s not a gentleman, and shame on him. Even a gentleman IS going to want sex eventually. It’s one of the ways people show their love for each other and express their bond. If you are really giving up on that voluntarily, that’s fine, but you are the exception, so in fairness you need to accept that this is your issue and not the issue of the billions of people in the world who feel differently.
3) You’ve tried Internet dating and have had a bad experience with a loser or three, or kissed a lot of frogs, or wasted hours of your time on meet and greets with people that turned out to be “less than advertised”, or any of a number of things that are not all that awesome about Internet dating…..so now, as far as you are concerned, Internet dating SUCKS and you’re throwing in the towel and giving up on meeting someone that way. Yes. I agree with you, it can be daunting. There are a LOT of losers, a LOT of players, a LOT of imposters (really dude, did you think I wasn’t going to CARE that you posted a picture of yourself that is 10 years old if it’s a day? I’m sure you thought your awesome personality would win me over, but even if it did, when we meet you immediately expose yourself as insecure, not to mention, a LIAR. Kinda hard to overcome that flaw) and a LOT of 20 somethings looking to add a roll in the hay with a cougar to their sexual resume. Oh, boy.
It’s a world all it’s own, and it needs to be navigated carefully, just like any foreign place where you aren’t 100% sure right away what you are dealing with. You need to be smart, you need to be safe, you need to be savvy. And if you are someone who tends to put all your time, energy, emotion and hopes into one person who seems promising, then you have to force yourself to communicate with and date more than one person at a time in order to control that tendency, because that above all else can get you hurt. Internet dating is not for sissies, but there’s no denying its advantages. It can be extremely hard to meet single people in the real world, especially after a certain age. If you do it right, there’s absolutely no comparison – odds wise – for your chances of finding someone to love on the internet versus finding them the traditional way.
4) Since you got a taste of freedom and independence, you find you like living alone, and like taking care of yourself, and like things a certain way – therefore never want to live with anyone or get married again – so you are just going to give up on a relationship. Why on earth would you do that? If you truly don’t WANT a relationship, that’s fine, you can just say that. But we all live in the modern world here. There are alternatives to living with someone or getting married. Plenty of men would be happy to sign up for that kind of “keep your own place” arrangement. Men who don’t expect a woman to cook for him, or clean up after him, or expect him to put down the toilet seat, or even wear pants when he’s hanging out at home (no pun intended, LOL). Men who just want to love you. Just want to spend ALL quality time with you. Men who enjoy your company and want to DO THINGS with you. Men who see you as a fully formed female human being with interests and hobbies and a life of your own away from him and he’s totally OK with that. Not only is he OK with it, it’s one of the things he loves about you. That man exists. If you want a relationship, then go find that guy. You can trust me on this – he is NOT riding a unicorn. 😉
Be brave sisters. If you want love, go find it. Don’t let anything or anyone stop you. If you encounter a jerk or two along the way, step over him and move on. Someone who deserves you is waiting for you to find him…
I am an inveterate procrastinator, perennially last minute about most things. When I heard about “just-in-time” management some years ago, I did a huge fist-bump and a “YES”. My approach to work and life had finally been validated.
Yet I continued to struggle with procrastination. Because procrastination is painted in a negative light, invariably, it has caused me stress. I read every article on it (eventually) and tried the usual advice, tips and techniques. Yet nothing worked. I continued to procrastinate. Because, you see, I also found out that procrastination has served me well. You know, when you have something to do, keep putting it off until it’s too late. And then you find yourself saying “What a good thing I didn’t …..”. I have had many such moments that cause me to wonder if when I procrastinate, it’s really some inner guidance at work.
Over time I have changed my relationship with procrastination. Now it no longer bothers me. I feel no stress about it anymore. And here’s what I did:
I accepted that I procrastinate. It’s just me. I am not apologizing nor making excuses. I procrastinate.
I released judgement about it – it’s neither good nor bad.
I put systems in place that support my procrastination. For example:
I always have a bag packed for my yoga class. Since I am inevitably racing through the door with minutes to spare, I just grab and go. As soon as I return, I wash everything and repack the bag.
My running gear for my long runs is always packed and ready to go. I have arranged my running belt, shoes, cap, and jackets in a specific cupboard. Again, I am invariably racing through the door with minutes to spare to meet my running group. I just grab and go, and turn up on time and smiling.
I have a stock of everything I need for my workshops, all organized in 6 drawer units. This is so important to me, since my creative planning juices germinate but don’t activate until a day or two before a workshop (sometimes the wee hours prior), no matter how far in advance it has been planned. And that’s how I am able to turn up looking, and being poised and prepared.
It boils down to this:
Accept who you are
Put things in place to support you as you are
How simple life is as a free and laughing procrastinator!!!!
As we enter the years of perimenopause and menopause, we’re not only older; we’re wiser, too. We must value ourselves and realize that we’ve got a lot to contribute to the communities we live in!
This stage signifies a new chapter in a woman’s life. Don’t write yourself off! Instead, many women simply decide to rewrite their entire book. For example: More than 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women in their 40s, 50s or 60s — the menopause years — according to a survey conducted by AARP Magazine.
We’re all too familiar with the physical changes that accompany the change of life — weight gain, mood swings, hot flashes, etc. That’s why many of us menopausal women seek to find balance, often focusing on the spiritual as well as the physical. Our priorities often shift as we take this opportunity for self-reflection and inner focus. We may find a renewed sense of purpose.
Two Key Attributes of Living with Purpose
Contemplation and activation are two core practices for living with purpose, according to an article by expert Richard Leider for the Center for Spirituality and Healing at the University of Minnesota. Contemplation means seeking answers about who you are, how you should live, and where you belong. Activation is living your truth.
How can you achieve these goals? Start with these exercises:
Reflect. Review the day’s events each evening for 5-10 minutes. Which experiences were life-giving? Which were life-draining?
Meditate. A study by researchers at the UC Davis Center for Mind and Brain found that meditation increases one’s sense of life purpose.
Keep a journal. This can help you reflect and express yourself honestly. Allow yourself to write freely.
Write your life story. Reflect upon where you have been, the events that have shaped who you are today, and the future you imagine for yourself. What obstacles do you foresee? How will you overcome them?
What’s Your Purpose?
If you don’t have a clue, ask yourself the questions below and following the steps to help uncover your purpose, according to a Psychologytoday.com article by Dr. Brad Klontz.
What do you value most? Family? Friendship? Faith? Excellence? Generosity? Peace? Balance? Something else?
How do you want others to describe you? What you would want to be written in your obituary? What legacy do you want to leave?
What is your special purpose? Jot it down on a business card. You can tweak it later.
Begin and end each day by reciting your purpose. Carry that business card in your wallet or purse. Read it every now and then to remain focused.
Mindfulness Benefits Your Mind
While we’re told that word puzzles, dancing and other exercise can help our aging brains, the same can be said for living with purpose. Research from the Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center in Chicago revealed that individuals with high purpose scores were 2.4 times more likely to remain free of Alzheimer’s than those with low scores; they were also less likely to develop mild cognitive impairment, often a precursor. In a study of 246 people who died at the center, autopsies found that many of those with high purpose scores also showed the distinctive markers of Alzheimer’s.
Living a purposeful life also appears to protect people from developing disabilities. Purposeful people also had a lower mortality rate than those with low purpose.
A purposeful life also can lead to a longer life. Another study, by Dr. Patrick Hill, Department of Psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, found that purpose in life promotes longevity. Both the Rush and the Carleton teams controlled for numerous other factors correlated with well-being — social relationships, chronic medical conditions and disability, work status — and found that purpose in life alone appears to improve and extend lives.
I’m keeping my promise to myself to living life more fully, with greater meaning. I challenge you to do the same. How can you give your life more meaning, make your life more purposeful? Are you up for the challenge?
I am recently divorced after a 32 year marriage. On most days I feel like I have no clue and on others try to just take 1 day at a time. Very much alone and lost in the world. Who you are and what you have always been for those 32 years is gone. I have no job, I had a very successful career & have been retired for several years. What a mistake that was! Seeing your life as it is now, not raising a family, no longer having a career, all those many wonderful responsibilities and being a high energy people person to suddenly be with just him. was time for a divorce. Now without him, alone on my own with nothing to do & of course, my young, best years behind me and the job market so tough, where does one go from here? Thanks for listening.
Many women find vibrator use to a bit embarrassing. They don’t want to talk about it or even think too much about it. But are you really a sexual deviant because you like to use devices? How many devices do you have to use, and how often, before you’ve crossed the line and become oversexed?
The Secret Life of Vibrators
Male masturbation is a common discussion (and joke) topic. It’s considered to be perfectly normal and healthy for men to pleasure themselves – even if they do so frequently. But women? Female sexuality isn’t so talked-about. By contrast, it’s something that usually stays secret and hidden.
Female masturbation isn’t talked about very commonly, but it is very healthy. Women don’t even like to talk to their doctors about sexuality. Studies find that women don’t discuss it very openly with their girlfriends, not even with their partners in many cases. But masturbation is good for health and for healthy relationships.
Everyone wants to feel that they are “normal.” Vibrator use is an activity that’s usually conducted alone. There’s not a lot of talk about vibrators for women, even among women. So how are you supposed to know what “normal” even looks like?
There’s been a lot of research on the subject. The vast majority of women have masturbated in their lives, at least once. But there’s no “normal” scale of masturbation. You don’t cross the line into deviant behavior if you masturbate 101 times, for example. Masturbation frequency among women is widely varied. There is no normal stopping time for masturbation, either. Some women continue enjoying their bodies into their 80s.
And yet, some women feel guilty about masturbating. These feelings are especially strong among women who are in committed relationships. Sex therapists say that women shouldn’t feel guilt for doing it, however, nor even about the tools they use to masturbate with. Vibrator use is common, but by far not the only method enjoyed by women. According to research, women use a variety of items and methods to masturbate.
The most common methods are fingers and vibrator use, though not necessarily at the same time. In one study, more than half the women (aged 18 to 60) used vibrators for masturbation or during intercourse. Less than 30 percent of the women in that study said they experienced numbness or pain in the vagina due to vibrator use.
Masturbation also helps build your own sexual confidence. It helps you learn what you like physically, and that makes you more capable of translating your needs to a partner. Women who enjoy vibrator use have better sexual relationships with their partners. Masturbation can relieve feelings of sadness and even lessen physical pain.
There’s no reason to feel guilty about healthy vibrator use. Don’t be ashamed of buying interesting-looking devices. Don’t be afraid to experiment and find out what you like and what you want. Vibrators for women have been around for over 100 years – so somebody’s using them. Being normal isn’t some goal to achieve, it’s being who you are and not apologizing for it.