Today, I’m answering questions about how to get men to notice you and ask you out, including one from Susan, who says she’s shy and it’s tough to approach men, especially in the real world.
Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, it’s one of the hardest parts of dating at this age for all of us, don’t you agree?
In my book, one of the tips I give for making it easier on you and the man you’d like to flirt with – who, by the way, is afraid you are going to reject him – is to smile and make eye contact with him for a FULL 5 SECONDS. It will feel like an eternity, but it’s a great way to signal that it’s safe to approach you without having to come up with anything to say.
I am wondering about the over 60 prejudice of a lot of older men. I happen to be a 66 year old widow and seem to get online responses from younger men, 40’s & early 50’s and much older men, 74 up. What’s going on with the men who are closer to my age, i.e., men in their 60’s? Thanks, Rebecca
There are lots of good men online who will date women in their 60’s. You might not be seeing them because they aren’t your usual type. But they are there and many will date women who are 3-5 years older than they are.
You will also find men in their 60’s online who have this crazy notion that women of the same age can’t keep up with them. These are the men looking at women in their 40’s and 50’s.
There are 2 things you can do to improve your chances of getting men over 60 to notice you.
If you’re willing to date online, you MUST have a really great profile and picture that shows your very best YOU!
If you have the skills for meeting and flirting with men, try going to upscale bars in your area. Find an empty seat next to a man you’d like to meet and ask him to suggest a wine you might like. If you’re not used to doing this, it can feel really scary.
An easier way would be to check out MeetUp.com in your area. Because their get-togethers are activity driven, it automatically creates something in common to talk about.
Meeting men in real life takes away the age prejudice that is so common with online dating sites. And it gives you an opportunity to get to know someone’s personality, which often makes them far more attractive than just seeing a picture would.
Regardless of age, if you really want to meet a man, you’ll have to continuously take action, whether you do it online or in the real world to make something happen for you. I hope you’ll let me know what you decide to do.
I wanted to ask your advice. I was at the market the other day and a nice looking man needed to pass and I was a bit in his way, so I said, “Excuse me,” and he said, “Did you say squeeze me?” and I thought for a second and answered yes! So he walked over and hugged me. I loved it. He was wearing a hat that let me know he fought in Vietnam. I said, “Thank you for serving,” and he replied, “Thank you for saying thank you,” then we said, “Have a nice one,” and he was off on his way! I wanted to talk more but did not know what to do being that I’m a 70’s girl and girls did not pursue at this point. Guys did. I walked around shopping and had to come back that way, so I looked for him and there he was at the meat counter, so I said to myself, do something I headed his way and was going to tap his basket with mine, but did not, he looked up and I said, “I was going to bump you with my basket but thought better of it.” He said, “Turn about is fair play,” and then it was a bit awkward so I said bye and walked away. What should I have done? I felt like if he was interested he would have carried on the conversation? Any advice would be great! Thanks so much. Janet
You’re question is a really good one. First, I want to congratulate you on thinking of ways to flirt with him…like tapping your baskets. That was great thinking on your part because flirting makes you seem fun.
Now… how do you lead a guy to continue the conversation without it appearing like you’re pursuing him?
You want to understand that as scary as it probably felt for you trying to figure out how to get him to continue your conversation, it was probably 100 times harder for him. The movies have made it seem as if men just come up to women they want to talk with. Not true. In reality, most men are petrified of your rejection.
The secret lies in making it safe for a man to approach you.
In your situation, you could have handed him a card or a piece of paper with your first name and number on it. Then you could have said something like, “I’ve really enjoyed talking with you and would love to continue our conversation sometime. Here’s my number.”
This is such a simple way of telling a man you are interested and if he’s interested too, he now knows how to reach you. You aren’t pursuing here. You are just giving him an opportunity to continue what got started. And you’ve shown him it’s safe to talk with you again.
I have enjoyed listening to you speak about over 50 dating. It seems, though, that the techniques you speak about work better for extroverted women. What about the introverted women like me? I would love to be able to flirt or walk up to men and hand them my card while telling them to call me if they want to have coffee sometime…but I am somewhat shy and I can’t see that happening! Susan
I understand what you are feeling and if it helps, I think you’d find that the majority of both men and women who date after 50 are feeling way out of their comfort zone when it comes to speaking with the opposite sex in the real world.
I know for me, when I first started dating in my 40’s, it felt really scary to go up to men and just start talking to them. I ended up relying on internet dating to create the possibility of meeting someone.
Well, the thing is – and I didn’t realize this back then – your profile also has to be flirty. The easy part about online dating is you’re not directly watching a man’s facial expression when he reads what you’ve written… as you would in real life.
Be kind to yourself and know approaching men isn’t something you know how to naturally do. You weren’t born with this skill. No one was.
The way you can get comfortable is from knowing as many techniques as possible for talking and relating to men in the real world. It’s funny… my one-on-one clients (who felt just like you do when it came to approaching men) often say they can hear me talking to them on a date as if I were standing right next to them, whispering advice in their ear. It gives them comfort knowing how to handle situations with men.
Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, you want to learn everything you can about men and dating because knowledge is what’s going to bring you comfort. Take what I shared about flirting in Janet and Rebecca’s letters above and anything else you’ve learned about over 50’s dating. Then go out and practice, practice, practice it.
Sometimes you’ll get it right. Sometimes it will be more challenging but practicing is the only way dating and approaching men will ever get easier for you.
I’d love to hear what makes dating less nerve-wracking for you in the comments.
Until next time~