Perhaps it depends on the question, but for most of us saying no is almost impossible. We feel guilty if we say no, so we keep saying yes for fear that we will hurt somebody’s feelings, or disappoint them, or say no to the one thing in our entire lives that we should have never, ever said no to.
For this reason, we are suckers for classic manipulation. Now that I have this awareness, I’m taking on the task of releasing us from guilt.
Just Say “No”
Our first step is awareness. Say after me:
Hi. I’m _____ (fill in name), and I am a sucker for guilt.
Now that we are all aware of our addiction, we need to recognize some of the more obvious sources and the truth behind their manipulation. I just happen to have this knowledge 
.
Classic Manipulative Techniques and the Truth Behind Them
Here are some personal and work examples:
Early Mother Guilt: Remember my friend Alma? She was in a car accident and the medics had to cut her underwear off of her. She was wearing her old underwear with big holes and broken elastic. She was mortified.
- Truth: Moms start early with guilt as a form of control over how we dress. Counter that if Alma had to have her underwear cut off of her, then the elastic waistband was probably not her biggest concern.
Take Care of Me Guilt: Remember when your Aunt Elsie passed? She called her daughter that morning to ask for help, but her daughter didn’t come because she was too busy with work. That very afternoon, Aunt Elsie electrocuted herself by standing in water while holding the coffee pot.
- Truth: Somebody wants you to help them with something, and she’s threatening death if you don’t. Tell her that Aunt Elsie doesn’t sound particularly bright, and that you’ll take that death and raise her an eternity in hell for attempted manipulation.
Work/Manager Guilt: You know, I had one employee that refused a similar assignment. She was not a team-player, and she didn’t do well on this team.
- Truth: Someone wants you to do a crappy job that nobody else wants to do. Tell your manager that you will accept the risk of losing your position. Why? Because if you do the first crappy job you’ll become the employee willing to take crap for the rest of your career.
Teenager Guilt: Becky’s mom is really cool about letting her go to this sleep-over. She trusts her.
- Truth: Someone is going to a fake sleep-over to drink the night away. Tell her that you don’t care about being cool, you’d rather humiliate her. That’s your job, and you LOVE it.
Husband Guilt: I really want to go to the beach/golf trip/ game /work etc., but if you need me to stay around here then I guess I will.
- Truth: Your husband has just let you know that he’ll stay if he has to, but that you’re being selfish if you ask him to stay. Tell him, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d stay. Thanks for offering.” I tried this once with my ex-husband. My kids and I had the stomach flu. I was throwing up, the kids were throwing up, and he wanted to go play golf for the day. He asked me if I really needed him to stay (I thought all the vomit might have created an obvious answer) and I said, “Yes. I need you to stay.” I repeated this six times. Suddenly, I heard the front door open and shut as he ran to play golf. So this might not work, but at least it will make your husband uncomfortable and provide a good story for a future blog.
We can’t spend our lives taking on guilt that is thrown our way. Once we say yes when we don’t mean it the guilt and resentment builds up. We get big frown lines that never go away, and end up looking like Elmira Gulch, the witchy neighbor in “The Wizard of Oz.”
So stay off of your bicycle by standing up for yourself. Do what is fair and right for all concerned, giving yourself equal value.
And understand that those manipulating you with guilt will take a yes even if you’re vomiting all over the positive response. Literally.
I have never seen another woman's vagina, so have no idea what they look like, except mine.....I assume you mean (not vagina), But labia....the outer lips. I think it is sad you/anyone thinks any body part is ugly. Our bodies are amazing. I dou
Roadrunner,
Let us know how your lips turn out, mine are so thin I have often thought of doing something. But I am scared whitless!
This is a really interesting post. I enjoyed reading it. I used to have more trouble saying no than I do now. Like when I was in my 20′s, no was a word I avoided and ended up on dates with people I didn’t want to date, just to give one example. I got a huge dose of reality, though, when one of those dates showed up at my house unannounced in the middle of the night. I didn’t go to the door (this was 1981), and I just thought whoever it was would go away. But he didn’t. And the longer he knocked, the more I felt I had to pretend I wasn’t home. I lived in a basement apartment at the time. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and while I was in there I looked up and he was looking in the window at me with this huge smile like, yay, you’re home (2 hours after starting the knocking). He did not scare me or seem threatening, but I realized how my inability to even say no to a date had painted me in a corner. I was caught at that point, so I went to the door and asked where he wanted me to take him – he had someone drop him off at my house at 3:00 a.m. – I’m sure he was drunk prior to all the waiting time for me to go to the door. I dropped him off on the interstate, not caring that he had to hitchhike. I drove away and thought, that idiot will come back because I was not assertive enough to tell him I was extremely irritated by being woken up by some guy I barely knew. So I took the next exit, made a loop, went back where he was still standing, rolled my passenger window down and said – “Oh and don’t ever come back to my house or call me again.” I know I didn’t handle that well – I was 22, and it was 31 years ago. But I remember it really well because I recognized my inability to say no caused my life to be harder.
The Work/Manager guilt is a classic workplace bullying example. That’s a threat. And it’s passive-aggressive. I worked for someone who was like this for 6 1/2 years. There is no way to win with a workplace bully and if you try, the bullying will escalate and your life will be a living hell until you either successfully sue them (don’t count it), quit or they fire you for something they made up. Workplace bullying is an epidemic and the U.S. is one of the only industrialized country without a single law prohibiting it (unless it’s based on a protected class, which would then be harassment violating a civil rights law).
I have teenagers and that tack never works with me…at least not the “my friends’ parents let them drop acid” kinds of arguments. What I have a hard time with is a crying kid with an assignment that they misunderstood, is due the next day and what they’ve done is wrong. They don’t have time to get it right and will spend the night with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I actually do fall for that one. I’m not really falling for anything – when that happens their situation is a genuine one; I just have a hard time not sympathizing with their angst and often let them stay home to get the assignment done (please public school teachers, don’t look up my IP address and send a hit man to my house – I understand your perspective too – I can’t say no to you or them! lol)
Finally, the spouse guilt doesn’t work with me either. That approach of I want to do this but can stay here with you if you really want me to just comes across as whiny and manipulative and I am too old for that nonsense. I usually say, please go. I want the house to myself. But I don’t fall into that trap that they lay so they can get their egos stroked while thinking they tricked me into submission. I usually say, whatever you want to do is fine – or, I ask them to go and not get in a big hurry to come back – not because of a lack of caring, but because of a lack of willingness to deal with b.s. anymore. That’s a wonderful thing, to me, about being an older woman.
I know I’m skipping around, but the last one I want to mention is the Take Care of Me Guilt combined with my father guilting me. My dad’s mother started getting senile and unable to care for herself when I was in my 30′s. She lived with my dad and stepmother for a while – probably less than a year. She was a mean old woman. So they couldn’t deal with living with her a very long time. And they both worked. So she eventually went to a nursing home very close to their house so they could visit a lot. When she died, of course I was at the funeral, part of her immediate family, participated in the dinner after, went to my dad’s house to be with family, etc. I had flowers sent for her casket. This is the good part: My dad sent me a thank you card for the flowers, which I thought was a little odd since I’m immediate family, but that was okay – and the card said “It’s too bad you didn’t spend more time with her in her final years.” Good grief, Dad. I mean guilt is bad enough, but I couldn’t even do anything about that. But I didn’t feel guilty; I just realized most of my family is crazy.
Thanks for a great post.
Dana
Dana: Thank you for your thoughtful response. Your examples were classic, and we have all been there. I’m not sure that dropping the first guy off on the interstate was such a bad idea – he was basically stalking you, drunk or not. It is amazing how we find all sorts of justifications for our saying, “no.” We actually do not owe anybody any explanation. If it’s something we don’t want to do, “no” should suffice.
It sounds easy, but we all struggle with it every single day. It’s a constant effort, but well worth it. I’m proud of you and the examples you shared. Maybe our slogan should be, “Just Say No.”
Donna
Oh, and I realize that the example of saying no to a spouse’s request was referring to the need or want to say no, not yes, please leave the house for a while. I got caught up in the example. But your point is a good one. People are committed to each other partially to have someone to be able to say, no, now’s not a good time for you to go (or whatever) because I would like for you to stay or need you for support during _____________.
I have no trouble saying no. What I really enjoy is when I don’t give an explanation (the guilty, well I would like to but…..etc), and they don’t know what to do!
LOL
Alicia: I LOVE it. No explanations. Just “no.” Perfect. Thanks!
Donna
Alicia, that reminds me of the year my son’s class went to Silver Dollar City as a school trip when he was in 7th grade. His teacher told me about it and asked “would you be interested in chaperoning?” I said, “No.” He thought that was hilarious. No explanation, just no. I imagine he was thinking – finally someone totally honest LOL.
I love it, Dana!!
a friend asked me if I wanted to do x,y,z……I said, no.” She cracked up…..just no.
No is a complete sentence. I also just say no, respectfully and calmly, but no. And I don’t repeat myself.
Watermusic: I am putting that slogan in my slogan folder. “No is a complete sentence.” And it’s a brilliant strategy to refuse to repeat yourself. It’s in the repetition that we begin to be worn down.
Thank you!
Donna
Yes, exactly. Justifying a no is not necessary, but it sure is tempting.
I get the question, “Do you have plans for tomorrow, the weekend, your day off” from my grown kids pretty often. This is the first stage of manipulating me into doing some free babysitting, or errand running for my grandkids. In other words, if I don’t have plans, I am automatically available for whatever they want. Following a negative answer, as in “No, why?” I am told they need me to babysit, pick up the kids at school, or whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and grandkids, and don’t mind helping out quite often. I just do not like the approach, which says, “Your free time is mine to use as I see fit, and if you haven’t made plans, you owe me.” I am tempted to say, “If you want me to babysit, ask me, and then I’ll tell you if I have plans or not.” Also, at my age, tending to sick grandkids is no picnic, as I have health issues that don’t mix with heavy exposure to colds and flu. Why do they think their need for a perfect work attendance record (instead of staying home with their own sick kid) is more important than their sick child’s need for them, or their mom’s health? I am guilted into feeling selfish, because my “poor sick grandchild has no one” if I don’t do it. Hey, I stayed home from work with mine when they were sick!
Forgot to say, I have 9 grandkids, five kids. So this happens a LOT, not just now and then. If you have only a few grandchildren, it might not be a problem for you….YET!
Roseannacoe: I have a friend going through the same thing. She even switched to a night shift at her job so she could keep one daughter’s kids during the day. I think our generation is a little too willing to give up our lives to be at the beck and call of kids who expect it. Perhaps it’s time to sit down with the kids and limit the amount of time you are available. They will be angry at first, and say they have no options — but they’ll figure them out when you’re not available. You are the only one that will make sure you are taken care of, so do a good job of it
. Thank you for sharing!
When anyone asks me if I have plans. THe answer is “yes”—my plans are to do whatever I feel like doing with no explanations.
Think about this. If you weren’t around your family would find someone else to babysit or do whatever it is they think you should do.
Thanks, Alicia! You are right of course, and I’ve tried that. Their next question is always, “What are your plans?” The question isn’t coming from a “none of your business” stranger, but from my own kids or stepkids. ( I dont like making up lies, so i dont.) Saying no this time and yes next time causes hard feelings, because this time its one kid and next time its another, which gets into “mama likes you best” stuff. Saying “never” to all of them means never getting to see my grandkids… maybe…
Sometimes I think that having me sit is mostly a money-saving thing for them, even though they all have dual incomes and none are financially strapped. Sometimes they don’t ask me, they ask their dad, which means the kids are here because grandpa is keeping them today. Of course, its the same thing to the little ones, and I can’t just ignore them and rest without hurting child feelings, so I’m keeping them then too.
Honestly, this is happening so much my husband and I never do anything together other than keep children…not that I don’t love the children, but the kids are forever asking us to keep their kids so THEY can have time alone together.
No rest, no time with my own husband, no time for myself. Did I mention how much I LOVE my kids and grandkids? But for goodness sakes, what about me?
Hi Donnah22! (how’d I miss your post?)
You are right, I need to talk to the kids. Again.
But getting hubby online with this first would be best. After I tried to make myself understood before, the step kids just started asking HIM to babysit, (which means I am still babysitting even when I might have said, “No, not this weekend.”)
Before that, they were asking him if I would babysit and I had to let him know
he could not give them an okay for me. So now they ask if he will sit: he telecommutes, so he is home when he is working. He ALWAYS says yes, even when I am home and he is home working. Can you imagine? These kids are preschool/gradeschool and toddlers, too…not old enough to get the idea that they shouldn’t disturb grandpa while he is on the phone for work, much less old enough to know that grandma is not feeling well today. If I don’t feel well enough to keep kids, I obviously don’t feel well enough to leave for the day and let him keep his promises alone. I don’t know what to do, but I definitely am being manipulated.
Roseannacoe: Knowing when to say “no” to people we love is never, ever easy. I talk a big game, but struggle with the same thing. Listen to your body . . . if your stomach gets tight, or your neck hurts, or anything negative occurs when you agree then you are going to wear yourself out. If you generally feel good about what you are doing, then drop the guilt and enjoy it. Just take care of yourself!
Donna what a great conversation. Love seeing women realize that no is a sentence. It shouldnt be the end of the conversation though. It’s really the beginning of figuring out how to set kind boundaries with loved ones.
People treat you the way you teach them to. Give your family & friends a refresher course in you. Say NO but explain the best way to get a YES.
Its a great solution Your wishes, time , thoughts get respected. You get to be generous more often because you’re not being manipulated or worried about not meeting a loved ones expectations. This has been a lifesaver with my adult kids. Hope that helps.
Dina: Thank you so much – there is a way to say “no” without creating anger. That usually comes from our guilt . . . we exaggerate the “no” because we feel bad saying it. I love your perspective of getting to a YES. I taught sales for years, and it’s always better to get to a YES than spend time trying to overcome an angry NO.
And, you’re also right that you become generous when you know you’re not being manipulated. Wonderful insights – thank you so much!
Donna
“People treat you the way you teach them to.” Great quote Dina, and 100% true.
For years I had trouble with the”no” and the guilt. After lots of counseling and learning why I felt that way, I happily adopted a few changes into my life which has lessened the stress of it incredibly.
I try not to say no.
Instead I say, Oh, I don’t think that would be good for me. People are dumbfounded. What are they going to say, no you should do even if it is not good for you. They don’t and most never ask why.
The kids use to call and tell me their problems and my stomach would be in knots wanting to help them and all until my 83 year old Aunt said to me two or three times when I was complaining about the kids to her, she said to me “oh, I am sorry to hear that honey, I hope YOU get it all worked out, I am rooting for you”. Finally the third conversation where she used this line on me, she started to laugh and explained to me that this has freed up her life tremendously with her three grown sons. So I started doing to to family and son’s girlfriends and people at work and it did work. The little blurb was thoughtful, compassionate and empathetic without her having to offer a solution or take on guilt.
I had two sons who were 21 and 22 when I had the third son. That son I was determined was not going to drive me crazy like the first two did.
I taught him early on about choices and consequences in his life and my life. No matter how easy or hard the question, there are choices and consequences. I spelled it out for him and gave him the choices and he had to pick. This was invaluable because boys turning 18 think they have all the answers.
The other thing I learned was do not offer help until it is asked for because if you do, it is on you. If they ask for it, then your choice is yes or no. It is like babysitting. I have offered many times and yes I get taken for granted to the point my feelings get hurt. So, I had to review my past use of this tool and bring it out and use it again.
So, if daughter in law is complaining they need a sitter etc, I say oh I hope you find one or whatever. They will go out of their way not to ask, to guilt you into offering. Not any more. I do the oh I am sorry thing.
Now if they come right out and ask me, I have two choices yes or no. If yes, I happily say sure. If I don’t want to, I say oh no, that would not work out for me, be good for me that day, something to that effect.
Anyway, just a couple of things that worked for me.
Gold Bangles: These are incredible tips – I might work them into my next blog as great solutions and will give you credit. Let me know if you want me to do that and how you want to be acknowledged if so.
Profoundly simple and usable. Perfect. Thank you!!
Yes you can. Thank you for asking.
Sometimes with all they words, answers, psychology and authors out there, it takes them thousands of words to say something so simple – it is not good for me. Who the heck is gonna argue with my decision for me?
We just get lost in the words sometimes and couple that with emotion and we are buried and hurting at the same time.
Woo hoo- that’s what I’m talking about. Teaching yourself and other people your boundary. Good on you! I believe you shouldn’t offer unless you can give freely without resentment. That’s what makes it a gift- you’re not expecting in return.
That is right and if you do it because you want to it is choice and you are simply making a good choice for you. We cannot teach others how to do this till they see us demonstrate and they do not get it right away.
Not being able to say no continues to addict us to the drama of others peoples lives even if they are our kids.
They only get tough and build character when they are forced to make their own decisions and be responsible for them.
We think we are saving them and we are not. We are enabling their inability to think choose and act which they must have in order to survive without us.
I do not babysit my granddaugher, she is a pleasure and I choose to spend time with and enjoy her because it is my privilege to be in her life. So, I do not have any resentment.
Making them ask you outright when you don’t offer or when you say this is not good for you is a delighful sight to behold because it forces them to recognize your value in their life as a mother and and individual.
I’m quoting Ruth Gendler again as I just love her insight and perhaps someone else will too.
Guilt is the prosecutor who knows how to make every victim feel like the criminal. She follow the scent of doubt and self-hatred to its sources. She will not tell you what you have done wrong. Her silence is brutal. Her diapproval surrounds you in an envelope of cold nameless terror.
Guilt thinks I am hopelessly lazy because I won’t work the way she does. Her court cases are scheduled years in advance. She says horrible things about me to the neighbors. In self-defense sometimes I tell people what she says about me before she has the chance. I don’t care as much as I did, but I can’t pretend I don’t care at all.
You may recognize Guilt’s footsteps before you see her coming. She limps like a crippled bird. Even though her broken ankle is healing the wound in her heart has become infected.