You’ve probably seen the news reports the past couple of days. Two young people, both set to graduate from the University of Virginia, had their lives end in the most tragic of ways. Yeardley Love was a beautiful young woman, a gifted athlete and good student. Apparently loved by all who knew her. Her brutalized body was found by her roommates the other night. She had her whole life ahead of her, as the saying goes.
George Huguely was the former boyfriend of Yeardley. He’s charged with her murder.
Yeardley is dead, her future gone. George, allegedly the person responsible for her death, is now facing the consequences of his actions. His life, the plans he had for life after college, are over, too.
They were both 22 years old.
The story hits very close to home, because both were from the Maryland suburbs. Kids who went to private prep schools, and had it all, one would think. But it’s never really the way it seems, is it?
As more details from this sad story emerge, it appears Huguely’s golden boy persona could be anything but…
His lawyer, according to reports in this morning’s Baltimore Sun, called it “an accident with a tragic outcome.”
After reading and hearing the news updates, however, I’m having a hard time buying the “accident” claims. Apparently there was a fight, and Huguely’s admitted to shaking her to the point where Yeardley’s head repeatedly hit a wall.
As the investigation continues, we’re bound to hear more of the gritty details. Why a young man couldn’t deal with the end of a relationship.
It’s enough to make any parent with a daughter of dating age lose sleep at night.
My daughter is sixteen and dating a very nice boy. At least, I pray he’s a nice young man. From all outward appearances, he hits the mark. Good athlete, good student, nice parents.
Sometimes I even tease her about how he’s too nice for her. And now I realize, what a stupid thing to say.
When she entered the teen years, I thought the only things to fear were unplanned pregnancies, std’s, and car accidents. Now it’s potential death by boyfriend.
Yes, I have talked to her about domestic abuse, and how no one, female or male, should put up with any type of abuse.
“When that little voice inside your head starts screaming to get out of a relationship, GET OUT!” I’ve said.
But is she listening?
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We raise them , love them, educate them and then put them out into the world. Then we continue to love them and keep them in our prayers. And we always keep the porch light on……
I’ve always told my daughter that she should look closely at how a guy treats all those around him & how he treats his mother, & if his parents are still together – check out how his father treats his mother. Those things will give clues to what kind of person he really is.
Beyond those things, I raised her to listen to her inner voice, her intuition, etc: so that if she feels something is off about someone, or she gets a “bad feeling”, “bad vibes” etc. about a person, a place, or event that she must pay attention to it.
Read the following books by Gavin DeBecker: The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift.
He appeared on Oprah a few years ago, & runs a corporation that deals with stalkers, often for the rich & famous. Besides this he talks openly about his own childhood, growing up with a mother who was a drug addict & alcoholic and a very abusive person. He saw his own stepfather shot by her as well. It was like growing up in a war zone, never knowing what was coming next. From this background, he has come forth to shine a light for all of us. His interviews with victims, mostly women, often revealed that they nearly always knew something wasn’t right shortly before they were attacked, mugged & or raped, etc. He tells all women to be aware of your surroundings, and pay attention to your intuition! Also, in many cases the victim knows their attacker, this is especially true with childhood sexual abuse.
Child predators are known for choosing their victims: very often these kids don’t have good self esteem & are craving love & attention. They will often fall victim because the predator goes about becoming their friend with gifts & “friendship”, or via threats to harm their pets or family if they don’t cooperate.
Its up to us as mothers to tell our children that not everyone out in the world is looking out for their best interests. Our daughters need to have their cell phones on a date, they need to know they should always carry extra cash on them, have friends & family to call, and to watch out for themselves. They need to be told that they should never ever set a drink down at a party – so that someone can slip something into it. Knowing a few self defense moves, trigger points, etc isn’t a bad thing either!
Every woman should always wait for her friend to get safely to her car, to get in it & start it up okay before they leave a parking lot. We need to be sure our friends get safely home & that we check in with them. Tell your daughters to be careful on the road & at places where they travel. Take note of anyone who might follow you out of the mall, your place of business, around your neighborhood, and if someone is suspicious stay out in public or if you’re in your car drive somewhere that is well lit, or even to the local police station. Don’t be afraid to call 911 if you’re really worried!
Also, warn your kids about the internet & never to give exact information about their age, & where they live, etc on public forums, or posting revealing photographs on their cell phones then sending it to a boy, (who may well pass it around to all his buddies). To many girls have found themselves embarassed & harassed by classmates & more because they aren’t aware of the long lasting consequences of their actions – especially with today’s technology.
Sometimes keeping the porch light on is enough – but I’m all for lighting the path too & handing my daughter every possible tool I can to prepare her for dealing with what life has in store, the good, the bad & the ugly!
The Gift of Fear is an excellent book, as well as Saving Beauty from the Beast.
My biggest concern is that teenage girls may give you the impression that they’re listening, but really aren’t heeding the advice. Scares the hell out of me…
I have my fears about how much our teens listen to us too, and of course we can only do so much & then we have to hope that what we said was actually heard.
Talking in the car – in other words having a captive audience – can help though I have done my best to have ongoing conversations with my daughter about many of these concerns for the past several years, while the “programming” process I stuck in her head was open to hear what I had to say to her.
The world is such a different place from when we grew up that we have to do all we can to be work with our kids in whatever way will work best for them. From there its up to them to use their common sense, and for us to do what we can to let go the best we can…all the while knowing that the umbilical cord was never really cut & that it will be there for the rest of our lives & theirs, no matter where they go or how many years go by!
Morning, I believe all that you have said and modeled in front of your daughter will do it’s work in reminding her of what to do and what to take from someone. Children offend display what was done in front of their eyes.
So many young people show what happens in the home. Un-controlled anger, treating women like object or things to be controlled, ownership. Today more females are killed by so-called love ones, husbands boyfriends, uncles, ect….TRACK
I agree Track. Many kids follow in the footsteps of their parents or other role models. If kids see abuse in the home, then chances are greater that they’ll model it. If they see affection, tenderness and respect, then they will probably look for those qualities in their partners.
I know for myself, that every one of my boyfriends have been just like my father – sweet, affectionate, romantic and generous. Besides, I had a mother who would have beat the crap out of him if he even thought about hitting her or one of their kids!
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! We cannot control their thoughts and actions, but we can pray they will make wise decisions.
I work with survivors, mostly female, of all kinds of assaults and have come to the conclusion that the best way to protect our daughters is to teach our sons.
Hi marycloch – did the same work for many years – and came to the same conclusion. We just can’t victim proof all girls and women. It’s what we teach our sons, and how they grow into men and see the world, that will make the real difference.
This is such a strong post, Tamara. Keep communication open with your daughter so you can know if boyfriends treat her well. Victims of abuse often say they have no one to confide in, or they are afraid to. You don’t want to frighten her, just keep encouraging her to talk to you. Get to know her dates.
This is easier said than done! I’m starting to feel like some kind of master of evasion when it comes to bringing up certain topics…without appearing as though I’m trying to pry. The thing that truly scares me about teenager is this code of secrecy they seem to maintain.
I know. I used to be a high school teacher. Kids trusted me and told me things they would never tell their parents. then, there was no Internet. Now it’s so much more dangerous.
I wish I knew the answer to keeping teens safe while letting them have their privacy and autonomy.