The question may seem to be an odd one at this point in my life but, it is one that I find myself asking quite a bit recently. You might ask why. I ask myself that very question…I do think that it stems from recent events that have taken place at work, the problems there seem to be cyclic. but the theme is the same. I really have recently come to the conclusion that I don’t have friends there, not real ones anyway…I used to, in my old department, but it seems that we drifted apart quite early in the process and that was a long time ago. There are real regrets there. No fault.
I had friends in school, but no one really remains from early on. There is one from college, but even there, there is very little contact and we have drifted apart. I could call, but after a while one feels as though it is one sided and when the call is made, it is never a good time so…
I volunteer tirelessly for Susan G Komen for the Cure and so there are a lot of friends there also, but it is rare that we see each other that it is not related to an event. I enjoy the company of these men and women very much, and I admire each and every one of them for all of their efforts in this huge fight against breast cancer. The organization that we are associated with leaves 75% of all of the monies earned at the local level to be used in the communities in which it is raised and we are proud of that. Of the other 25%, none is used for overhead or business costs it is put toward breast cancer research and so, in our case a lot of that comes right back here as we have a few huge research institutions right here in our back yard…but I digress…
As I said, it is unusual for me to see any of those friends anywhere that is not related to a Komen event, although once in a while it does happen. I have a wicked sense of humor…sometimes I wonder if it is not always appreciated…because I do hear of others getting together…oh well…
I have a lot of cyber friends, we have a good time. I guess I am happy enough. I am really a home body kind of person. I still work full time and rotate weekends, my hours are 7am to 3:30 pm and 6am on weekends so I do get up early and so need my sleep. Maybe that’s it.
Am I just being sensitive? I just don’t seem to have any real girlfriends. I think I am supposed to. My daughter just graduated from HS and I wasn’t involved with the school because I am so involved with Komen, so is my daughter. My daughter was involved in dance and not school related activities, so school parents were not the thing…
I read a lot which is a solitary activity…
What do you think, should I be worried? Am I lacking? Do I need to go out and find me a girlfriend to call my own?
Staying Pink!
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thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
There are people who feel they should have a lot of friends like they should have a lot of money. When you don’t have they think something is wrong with you. I don’t trust people and that is why i don’t have a lot of friends. Don’t get me wrong I love people and think we each are very fascinating but trust is a whole other subject. A true friend is so very hard to come by. one that does not compete with you, one that does not discourage but encourage, one that does not stab you in the back when the next person comes along and she tells her all of your business, a true friend will stick closer to you than a sister or brother, those are rare.
This past saturday a week ago I had to go to a funeral for a dear friend of mine of more than 35 years. That means I am down to 2 that lives close to me and 2 that are in other states. it felt good to know that when I went home if I couldn’t go anypalce else I could go to 806 West 9th Street. Friends are like men, the older we get the slimmer the pickins. A true friend is hard to find, i have many acquaintanecs but a true friend, like money i have so little of.
I think this is a good observation.
Hi Kim. When I was living in Denver in my 20′s and “sowing my wild oats”, so to speak, I had SO many good friends. I was extremely close to 3 of them, we were like sisters. Then I had to move back to IL due to a severe illness that kind of permanently messed up my immune system, and I eventually lost touch with them.
To this day, I haven’t made any true “sister” friends here in Illinois. Why? First, I believe it’s just harder to make friends when we get older – as in precisely what Alma said at the end of her post.
Second, I had a series of jobs that gave me absolutely no opportunity to work closely with women, so therefore no friendships developed. (That’s usually the best place to meet new friends as an adult.)
Third, I met and married a man 9 years older than me, and so his friends became “our” friends. The women were all politely friendly to me – absolutely very friendly – but there was no closeness, and no lasting friendships ever developed. Sadly, I believe it was partly because I looked even younger than I was and I was skinny. They looked their age and were all overweight. I hate even saying that, but with those particular women (going on 40 at the time while I was only 28) it was true.
Fourth, since most women in their 40′s and 50′s have no choice but to work full-time, and since I never did after marrying Jim – that always seemed to be a problem. (Well, except for one neighbor older than me who wanted to be friends and take daily walks together, but who had strict rules I was expected to follow. It included NO swearing. Plus listening to her talk about religion and her church. Nonstop. “No thank you!”)
Yeah, it’s just harder. We’re molded now, we know who we are and what we do and don’t like. We’re not so open and malleable – and so it’s just a lot harder to “click” with other women by now. Especially if we don’t work with a large group of women and don’t have any interest in attending church, etc. Personally, I think that’s why so many of us seem to bond on social websites like VN.
You know you have good points, I do work with women and there are only 6 of us sort of in the same age range, but there are problems and just when I feel we are friends I am forced to realize that we are not…so then I wonder why I never retained any from earlier and you just start to wonder and hence the post…guess I am just pensive today…at least since the jackhammer has stopped!
That’s because I snuck into your neighborhood and smacked him upalongside the head, sent him packing. I said, “You’re making my friend Kim crazy, knock it off RIGHT NOW.” I’m glad to hear he didn’t sneak back after I left. (I may have just made myself snort from laughing.)
Well thank God for friends like you! I wondered what happened! I should have known…oh, by the way, sorry for the delay, you caught me napping…too little sleep over the weekend…I am no longer a young one and despite the fact that I worked we went to the ball game in DC Saturday night and I had only 3.5 hours sleep…but don’t that fool you, napping is a favorite pastime on a day off these days!
As “friendly” as the girls at work are, and we have worked together about 10 years (all of us)…I would never make the mistake of thinking they are my friends…stung too many times there…
I have also thought this about girlfriends, Pink, I only have about 3, and we do not spend any regular time together…I simply want to be with the man in my life….we are very busy and individuals and as a couple, and I guess I just don’t want to take the time and energy away from my relationship with him….what time isn’t filled up with work and my honey are filled up with the 7 kids between us and their various offspring….
I’m ok with this….I also like my private, at home nesting time, and it would have to be someone/something very special for me to give that up. I love VN also…
This makes sense to me also…I should probably mention that my one and only child has just been dropped off at college to begin her freshman year. It was never our intention that she be an only child, breast cancer reared it’s ugly head early in the pregnancy of our second child…so there are those feelings also…
I’d love to be your friend!
Oh, that’s nice! I think I’d love to take you up on that! thanks!
No, you are not lacking…I can so relate to everything that is written here. My close friends are now far way and my girldfriends are my blog buddies.
Whew! It is good to hear all of these replies…
I could say ditto to a lot of what you’ve written. Not the specifics, but the general feeling of being rather alone. I’m not sure why, but it has been a fact of most of my life as well. My elementary school friends have, recently, reconnected via a Ning website. We started it when the site was free, and now pay I think 19.99 a month to keep it active. We were out of touch for many years, but I swear, when we got back together, it was like the years evaporated. Sometimes I think the best friends are the ones from childhood, the ones as my friend Mike says (from the Elm Grove site) ‘you can’t fool.’
I would like to be your cyber friend, though I know that’s not exactly the same, there is a place for that too, thanks to the internet. I like the way your write, putting it all out there. Martha Maria
Hey, I recognize your name, you are the one who wrote the beautiful post about the ancient ones, aren’t you? I would love to be your friend. That post and the poem really drew me in…It was always a dream of mine to be an archeologist but my parents talked me out of it…too much dirt and too many bugs they said…lol. But ancient history is, and always will be, a passion for me and it shows in all of the reading that I do, both fact and fiction… I still toy with the idea of taking courses and getting a degree when I finally get the time or when breast cancer no longer needs my time(when the cure is found)
Anyway, I’d love to take you up an that and to be your cyber friend. Thanks for your post! and thanks for the beautiful poem.
Kim
Oh, and I know you are right about the friends from younger days, I have not found any from the much younger days though…I have to keep looking.
Thank you, yes, I’m the same one. I also was interested in archeology and ancient history…I guess I still am. My father used to shake his head and wonder why he was sending me to college when I signed up for courses like “American Indian Languages.” He said I wanted everything to be ‘sound and color.’ Yes, Daddy, how right you were! I still do!
I read that you had gone to a ball game in DC. Are you perhaps in Virginia? I’m in Tennessee. I was wondering because I went to college in Virginia. I will look for your posts on here. I’m one of the early VN members, but only recently started participating. I’m just learning to navigate the site and also to be selective about the conversations I choose to participate in. Good night. Martha
I am actually in Maryland…and I am a Baltimore Oriole fan…but i had a chance to see the Nationals play and my husband hadn’t seen the new park yet so…they are in different leagues and it was a fun game.
I am a fairly recent member of VN-last September, and I look around, but mostly I find myself responding to the same group of people. The title “ancient ones…”caught my eye this morning. I am glad it did…Good night,
Kim
Martha Maria and Kim,
I can so relate – most of my university studies (the ones I loved most) were archeology, Greek & Roman mythology and classics, cultural anthropology, plus Russian, Chinese and Japanese literature-in-translation courses. I think wanting things to be “sound and colour” is glorious!
Developing close midlife friendships is trickier for all the reasons that have been cited here…and I think we’re just more interested in being ourselves than in being something/someone another person may want us to be. It brings to mind that Wayne Dyer quote Alicia recently posted on VN, about it’s better to be hated for who you are, than be loved for who you are not.
I think I like that quote! But if I do I need to stop whining. By the way, I am the one that recently clicked the I love this on your most recent post… Wouldn’t it be nice if we could take courses together here?
Pinkim,
My mother and my sister are two of y best friends. We talk on he phone once or twice a week. I have lunch about once every six weeks with other girlfriends whom I have become acquainted over the last ten years. And then there are those long distance friendships, where I talk to the friend once a month or so. After divorcing my husband two and a half years ago I looked around and wondered where my friends were. Slowly over that time I have consciously cultivated friendships. They were always there, but my life was so all consuming I didn’t reach out. I still spend a lot of time doing solitary activities. If you actually feel a need for more friendships, then I think it matters. If I was working as much with others as it sounds like you do I would probably spend a majority of my off time alone. If you are perfectly happy with your life and the depth of sharing with those around you, then, hey, if it isn’t broke… It’s an individual thing.
Pinkim morning, Friendships take some time and effort and there must be that chemistry that make you click. When we get married and start families we don’t put the time in for friends and drift apart, then when we need those friends (things fall apart) they remember we didn’t take the time and find ourselves alone at important times, like death of, husband, child, mother, father, sisters, brothers or illness. Just my thoughts on this subject at this time…TRACK
Yes, this is all true, but at times, it all feels one sided and that can be tiring,,,so…I guess we reap what we sew right?
Pinkim, When it is one-sided that is not friendship but a burden…TRACK
P.S. Like some of the marriages we hear about here on VN, some of us do all the giving and mister just receives, unhappy burden to me…:-(
I had a very best friend for years and years, I was 13 when we met. Sadly, we lost touch a few years ago, and sometimes I wonder, if she just kind of gently let me go. At the time, I was wrapped up in my own little world, may be I wasn’t the best friend I could have been….I really don’t know, but I do miss her and think of her a lot.
My husband never encouraged me to have friends, actually, he would try so hard to make me feel guilty about spending time with girl friends, that I think, subconciously, I may have pushed those friends away that I had when my kids were young.
Now, when I am going through a probable separation from my husband, I wish I had a friend close by who I could talk to. My daughters and I are pretty close, and I consider them all my friends, but there is only so much complaining you can do to your daughters about their dad, even though they know what he is like!
I am at the point in my life where it would be nice to have a couple of friends just to go hang out with and laugh….watch a movie with…..go out to eat at a favorite restaurant. I was hoping once I start working, I would make some friends, but after reading all your comments, it sounds like that doesn’t always work.
So, Pink, I know how you feel, and I will be your friend too, if you would like!
Thanks, But please reserve your judgement about any work friends that you may meet. I am sure that It does work out for others. In fact, I do believe that if I had stayed in my old department that I may have had lifelong friends there…i see that their friendships are going strong. so it does depend on the people involved. I seem to be gathering some very special frienda here and I am happy to count you among them.
As I’ve mentioned here before, I’m a slow learner. I’m just now figuring out about the “My VN’ page and seeing where to continue conversational threads. I am also delighted to read and make ‘virtual’ friendships with this little group here. Kim, Debi, Lisa, Track, Brenda, Duffy, Sunblossom,,,,,and I’m trying to remember all the names I’ve read here…oh yea, Namaste, Alma….and if I’ve missed any names, sorry…my concentration and memory isn’t so great any more. My mom died of Alzheimers and I’m trying very hard to believe I’m not succumbing to it myself. Anyway, I feel like I can relate to all of your responses. And I sense good will in all of them. Reminds me once again that we are all absolutely unique, one of a kind and yet all alike. Isn’t that a curiosity and oxymoron? Another great mystery of the universal sisterhood, I think. Well, namaste to all of you (I learned that in my yoga class, which, by the way, is making me feel so much better, finally, after about a year of MAKING myself go three times a week…..only feels like punishment about half the time now.)
I have to thank All of You from the depths of my Soul for what you have written & said. I have not met any of you & this is the 2nd time I have posted. i am 61 , new to a pc & found you all to-day. Such a feeling of Sisters helping each other when there is no one else . to martha maria, you write as a true soul & helped me to-day Blessing Be /
why is there a Edit in so many minutes
Hi there, thank you. Yes, well, if I’ve helped you today, I count today as a success, so you’ve helped me too! There’s an edit option in case you think better of a post and want to change something…your first post isn’t irreversible until the edit time has elapsed. New to a computer? Good for you, you’re doing great! I bought a computer this spring and I love it! I’m still taking lessons at the Mac store. Now I’m learning how to make movies. Then, I envision getting a YouTube channel. Bye, MM
Or if you’re like me and just cannot, for the life of you spell, and then forget to use the spell check…the edit can help you to appear a little more literate…lol…
I didn’t know I was such a bad speller until I got a computer with spell check. Sometimes, with spell check, I try umpteen combinations and finally give up…can’t figure out the correct spelling…so I have to choose a different word entirely. I have always been mystified by spelling…I’m a big reader so it seems like spelling would come naturally, but not so. My older son is the same way. Very verbal and smart, by the way, but an atrocious speller! He’s a freshman in college this year. I hope he’s using spell check with every assignment!
Well luckily for me my spell check allows me to right click on the word and it will give you the correct spelling…or at least some choices..thank goodness or I’d be lost for sure. I have always been a horrible speller, and I am a voracious reader. Always have been.
I have many acquaintances, all over the world and have found through trial and error that I can count my ‘friends’ on one hand — all family. I have always been a loner — alone but never lonely!! I think I am too lazy to develop full time friends — love my space and own time. Voracious reader and studier and learner. If I wasn’t so lazy I would make a list of those who are NOT friends, i.e., the butcher, baker, mailman, etc.
‘Supposed to’ may not be the right reason for making ‘friends’. If there ever is a right reason. You sound like you know who you are and what you need and I’d say — should not be worried or feel lacking. Love yourself for the wonderful self/friend that you are to you!! Just think, if a ‘friend’ did show up one day, you will be ready, surprized and carry on. All the best.
You know, I like the way you think, and this sounds like very good advice to me…the things you mention here sound very like the person that I am…I am sitting here now at the table on my back porch, all by myself, with my dog, and the birds, and all the other sounds around me and the beautiful weather….and I seem to be very at peace and happy…so I think you are right! I am busy, and I like it when I am not…so be it…thank you for your thoughtful reply…
Be Pink (but only if you like pink…)
Hi,
You aren’t lacking. I think that it’s hard to hold onto friends as we get older. In my experience, my friends are the ones who I see on a regular basis because we have a shared love of something – be it Norwegian folk dancing, Toastmasters, our dogs or good cooking. And for the first item “regular” might be twice a year. I have a friend who has a very dear friend from her college days – they have a weekly lunch. That way they stay in tune with what’s going on in each other’s lives.to have friends and social commitments I often feel as if I’m the one doing ALL the outreach. But then I realize that’s not really true.
I’ve thought lots about this subject because I’m writing a book on sharing housing. I think our society makes it VERY difficult to have spontaneous social interaction. We end up feeling lonely. There’s a whole book about the “The Lonely American”. In that book the author talks about a friend, divorced, femaie, and successful who had a “three times rule”. She made three times the effort to have a social life and initiate getting together with friends than other people do.
And yes, the Internet makes cyberfriends possible.
So what’s a “real girlfriend”?
P.S. My book is simply a guidebook on how to share housing.
Wow, you are writing a book! Now that’s a project…My daughter is in a triple right now at college, it is a room meant for two, so they could probably use your advice…although I feel sure that is not what you mean…lol…
Thank you for your voice… Usually, I am quite content, and then sometimes this little voice in my head wants to know why I don’t seem to have any really long lasting bosom buddies…sigh…people seem to like me…sigh…but I think sometimes it is just circumstances and the world we live in and that the friends that I do have are closer than I think and that I am over thinking things… Maybe I just need to find my own definition of a close friend and not worry about it.
I think about the people like your friend that has the dear friend from college days…I have/had one of those…but it seemed as though all of the effort was/is mine…maybe I am looking at it the wrong way…
Thank you for chiming in!!
Pinkim
Hi Staying Pink!! I totally relate with you, I am 57 and I realized that I don’t have friends; I had a bad experience with a friend that I cared a lot for her but she met a man and she got really involved with him to a point that she forgot that we had so many things in common ( at least I though) and I felt very hurt by her behaviour; at the beginning I missed her so much that I was tempted to phone her many times but as the time went I realized that I am a good person and she didn’t appreciate me as a friend and also made me think that I cared more about her than she did about me, is sad but I feel that she left an empty spot in my life and is very difficult to get attached; Don’t take me wrong I have lots of friends but all live in different parts of the world. What I would like is to have a friend close by to go for coffee or sit and have a great conversation; I am also new in VN which I tried to get involved now it really help you to hear what other people see your situation from a different prespective.
Friend of mine calls that the “island mentality” – gf disappears and lives on an island with the new lover. Yup it’s awful when it happens. Just happened to me. I still can’t believe that she dropped me without any contact – this after talking four – five times a week.
The usual advice applies.. find an activity that causes you to leave the house and do things with others on a regular basis. Heart friends dont’ come often, but more casual friends with whom you do things do. Everyone has to make more effort to have a social life than we would think is necessary. And may I point out, sharing housing, is one way to have someone to say hello to without an effort.
Good advice! I tell you it is such a shame that some women feel that to have one you have to give uo the other…
Hi there sorry I didn’t answer sooner, but I was on the road…I think it is such a shame when thins like this happen because really there is room for everyone in your life, even if it is just a phone call…I mean is that so hard? I guess some things just don’t seem as imprtant to some people…I really think that people that do things like that will wake up one day and regreat it but by then it is too late and dcertainly the one left behind will have moved on!
Welcome to VN, i hope you make lots of new friends here!
pinkim