Is staying married over the long haul too much to ask for? With the recent news that Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing after 40 years of marriage, I have been thinking about marriage and commitment. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins went their separate ways after nearly 30 years together. I was devastated when my favorite cartoonist, Lynn Johnston, creator of the comic strip, “For Better or For Worse” lost her husband to a younger woman. Recently, my brother’s wife moved out of the house after 25 years. I have been with my second husband for the same number of years. Am I feeling the itch to make a drastic life change? I can’t say I haven’t considered what it would be like to be on my own, make my own decisions based on my needs and wants, but there is so much more to it than “I want to leave.”
There are certain boundaries that I have in place that, if crossed, would be a no-brainer for me to make my exit. One is cheating. Frankly, with all the exposés of late with the betrayal of wives I have begun to doubt the ability of any man being so sincere that cheating isn’t a possibility. My husband has been sharing stories of men and women he encounters at his job that are partaking in very un-married-like behaviors: men who engage in sex with women they find on the Internet while their significant others are at work; women who pick up men and have sex with them while their husbands watch; women who seduce married men who’re all too willing to comply. Are married people so bored with married life they need to spice it up? Why stay married is my question.
My husband and I have had a very strong, trusting marriage, one I have always relied on. For me that trust is now undermined with the recent revelations of men cheating on their beautiful wives and the betrayal of my own body as it transitions through aging. Harboring such seeds of doubt turns me into a suspicious, needy wife; not at all the woman my husband has been devoted to all these years. Is there a chance my marriage is in jeopardy? Am I sabotaging the relationship subconsciously on purpose? Are men and women really expected to stay together for a half century? These are the questions that plague me and ones I do not share with the man who is supposed to be my best friend.
For the record, I think that long-term relationships like the one my in-laws have, 55 years of married life, are rare. When my brother revealed that he felt like he’d just wasted twenty-five years I told him it wasn’t a “waste”; people change, I urged him to look at this as a new opportunity. I believe that, but something has to be said about seeing things through.
Although I can’t be in the head and heart of the Gores, Susan Sarandon, or my sister-in-law, so I don’t know what their motivations are, I do know based on my own experience that the years invested in a relationship are comprised of many different layers of love and poignancy. My love for my husband grows deeper in a way that mere words cannot express. The intimacy we share, the things we each know about the other, the support we’ve given to each other, the fights and the make-up moments all combine into creating a history together. At the end of our journey together, whether it be from death or separation, I will cherish that life I shared with him.
I have been very lucky to have found such a good man. To have discovered the second time around a love as strong as ours is not to be discarded lightly. Yes, there are times when I want what I want, when I feel trapped and unable to fulfill all of my dreams because I am tied down in a relationship. Will there come a time, perhaps tomorrow or a decade from now when I, too, will feel the pull and make a drastic change, leave my husband and embark on a new adventure? I won’t say it is impossible, but right now I am staying put. That’s what feels right in my heart at the moment.
For all of those that have taken the plunge, I wish them God speed, luck, and most of all, happiness. For no matter what, the journeys we take whether in the company of another or not, are ours alone and no one has the right to judge another for the decisions we make.
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Well, speaking as a divorced woman, I would have to say no, mine wasn’t destined for forever…..I did go into it that way, but I was 21 after all….I had decided a long time ago to accept the blessings the 29 years brought me, release the ugly stuff and trust that God had a plan then and has one now…
Sunblossom, I hope you have found joy and happiness on this new journey in your life.
Well said and yes after 42 years of marriage and a good one I still feel wwe can never be so smug or sure of what is or is not going on in our own lives Ive a saying I can only say where my “person” has been Ihav been totally faithful, but I would never put my head opn a chopping block for anyone except myself and that is all we can be sure of. The best to the Gores and who knows they may return to the passion they once knew,
I posted this on another thread here, but it spoke to me so forgive the repeat:
From the NYT “Divorce: It’s Not Always About you”
http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/04/divorce-its-not-always-about-you/?ref=global-home
“A 58-year-old with only a few good years of life to go might decide to tough it out through a less than fulfilling marriage, but if he or she can reasonably expect to live another two decades in decent health — as the Gores well might — then the calculus shifts. For such couples, if they think correctly that they would be more fulfilled outside the marriage than in it, then why shouldn’t they divorce?
In the case of the Gores, they have already accomplished the primary social function of marriage: the bearing and rearing of children. If the children are no longer bearing the cost of their divorce, they should be free to make whatever decision seems right for them.
As a society, we’ve come to accept that people may want to live their young adult lives singly. Why shouldn’t they be able to live their later adult lives singly as well?”
Well said, Namaste. Why wouldn’t the life a single elder-adult be just as fulfilling, rich, and exciting?
Indeed why should we not be able to live later adult life singly?
I think we tend to normalize married or coupled life and so single life becomesa failure or abnormal. This is a not so subtle judgement of a lifestyle that can be bery rich and fulfilling
Thank you for asking the question why not and offering a perfectly acceptable option for later life.
When the option becomes more accepted by society more women and men will be freed to see theri own lifes as perfect just as they are not as second class choices.
I vote yes to that. We are all different in many ways and no one size fits all lifestyle exists…why do we try to create one?
((Namaste)): Since I plan(ned) to live to be 100, I felt it safe to get a divorce after 36 years of abuse.
Sheesh….”a 58-year-old with only a few good years of life?” Cripes…..sounds like 158 year old….since when is 58 that old???!!
People separate or divorce for so many different reasons. I think the Gores grew apart by him travelling so much etc. The kids are grown and i would not be in shock if it were her who wanted it more than he. Couples stay together to raise the children. I have found so many that have told me thru the years “I will not put my children thru a divorce, they are too vulnerable” and keep on living the same year after year. Then one day the kids are gone and you no longer have an excuse. But really, what are we looking for? Some women measure which one is worse living in a loveless relationship or being alone. Old age is not fun and loneliness is the #1 thing that people fear. To me personally, i can love a person forever, as long as that mate is not abusive. Love has different stages, if one is looking for that same passion that brought you together that is not going to happen. At least not for me, but then you grow close in different ways. It is the person who has shared your life, knows you best, etc. So, what are we looking for at this stage?
In a perfectly ideal world where we didn’t have to constantly adjust to external influx of stimuli, temptation, moods, desires and heartbreak, maybe that would work. I like fayette’s comment. I feel that way. I have a 45 year marriage and right now, it’s forever. But there are certain issues that would end the 45 years for my own sake.
Well, considering that marriage was invented at a time when most people were dead at age 35, it wasn’t so far-fetched to ask that it last forever!
That’s just what I was thinking about when I wrote this, Scuba! Thanks for the input.
We will never know the subleties of other people’s relationships and why people do the things they do. I could care less about the personal lives of celebreties or politicians. What I do care about is hypocricy, but then I try not to be too judgemental. I find it really interesting these days when someone says they lost their partner to another person. How did they do that? and what did they really lose?
I have enough in my own life to be getting on with. I have been married and divorced 3x. Horror! Does that make me a bad person? No. I made some bad choices especially with the last 2. If I had the information about myself now and about life, then maybe I wouldn’t have separated from number 1, the father of my children, but I didn’t. I really believed in marriage and the family unit, which is why I married again and was devastated every single time when I knew that it was never going to work out. I tried hard every time. Even had marriage counselling. Sometimes one has to know when to stop beating a dead horse. I couldn’t stand being unhappy or being with someone who eventually verbally and mentally abused me. Since suicide was out of the question, I divorced instead and tried again.
I don’t forsee marriage on the cards as I don’t associate it with success, but I might eventually get over that with a bit more counselling. One thing I did learn from therapy after the demise of my last marriage is that your body will tell you everything you need to know even if you can’t articulate it at the time. Trust that. If your partner is cheating, you will know. Live in the moment and don’t be afraid of what might never happen. It might be a good idea to talk to a professional about why you are suddenly feeling needy and nervous.
I see no reason for you to distrust your partner just because other people’s lives are changing. If you give your trust to another and they eventually abuse it, then you would have some tough choices ahead of you. Either way, you win. After all, isn’t it better to be without a liar and a cheat and to allow something good to come into your life eventually?
I have been alone for many years after my last marriage and am now with a wonderful man. I didn’t plan it as I was quite happy on my own and had quite a full life. I still have all that and just a little bit more. If he was an idiot to do something stupid and ruin things, then I will be better off without him because I am not afraid to be alone as I won’t be unhappy. Also, I don’t involve myself with idiots anymore so I wouldn’t be losing anything.
Communication and intimacy are very important in relationships and is the glue that binds them. It takes work to keep a relationship going. My 1st husband travelled a lot, but it was the lack of communication that killed our relationship, not the travelling. People like to justify or make excuses for why they do things. I say heck with that and own up to your behaviour. I made really bad choices for the last 2 and can accept that.
I don’t think that people waste their lives or time when they are with someone with all good intentions, but no-one is perfect and a relationship can break down for many reasons. Some can be fixed and others not. Life goes on. Greiving has to take place regardless in order to move forward. There are no guarantees that marriages will last forever as people can die. It is no worse if it is a conscious choice especially if one partner really doesn’t want to separate. It is still painful. Death just take a choice out of the equation.
I don’t understand why you can’t do what you want just because you are married. What is it you really want to do that you feel your marriage is holding you back from? Why do you feel tied down? You make some conflicting statements that I don’t understand. Partners should enable each other, not hinder each other or is your marriage just an excuse not to do certain things because of fear of failure? Just a question. I have a friend who wants to write a book but blames her husband and his needs for not following through. Bollocks as they say here in the UK.
We all have our own journey in life you are right about that. Sometimes we don’t always make the right choices because we may not have enough information. If we focused more on our own stuff than on what others are doing there would be no time to be judgemental. People can judge me as much as they like but I could really care less. They are not my friends.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I’m in a committed relationship and we’ve often talked of marriage (I’m 53, he is 50). The only reason I would benefit from the legalities of marriage is that I can get cheap health insurance. I’ve been divorced for 17 years and during that time, I’ve worked hard to build a life for myself and daughter. I am being selfish, I suppose, because I would rather not share that if we got married and then decided to divorce down the road. I realize that this is a sign of instability within the relationship, but we do love each other and I would like to spend the rest of my life with him.
I have often thought that for 2 younger people who want to raise a family and build something together, marriage is the way to go, but I really can’t think of a reason (other than the health ins. issue) to marry when one gets past a certain point in their lives (usually when kids are grown).
As someone in a long-term (25 yrs.) marriage, I, too, have been giving this a lot of thought recently. Mostly, I have the questions with no good answers. For example: what if you and your partner are compatible in most every way except sexual passion? Is that a good enough reason to divorce? What if there are children involved? What if your passion has been re-ignited by someone outside your marriage? You have three choices: enjoy the shock of recognition but don’t act on it; have a wild affair while married, or get divorced, not knowing where that other relationship may take you. Every choice comes with its own risk. To stay in a marriage devoid of sexual passion may be okay for some, not for others, depending on how important it is to you. To have a wild affair, of course, means deceiving other people, and divorce is irrevocable (in most cases). Are we meant to be monogamous? Are we meant to stay married and faithful to one person? The benefits of doing so are huge. I think the romantic in me believes that it’s possible, but I also believe that you have to be compatible in the ways that are most important to you to begin with. If you don’t have that foundation, and then someone else comes along, or your marriage is tested in other ways, then to stay married may cause you to deny a singificant part of your authentic self.
Spiritseeker, you are able to voice my feelings and thoughts very well. As I tried to convey in my writing it is a very complicated, yet, beautiful experience – marriage. At the end of the long journey with one partner, there will, of course, be sweet moments to recall, be proud of and be grateful that the partnership was continued. On the other hand, IF there are issues, and often they are small but significant issues that prevent a completely blissful union, separation is considered. For me, the sexual compatibility is a big one – the most intimate glue in a relationship must be maintained, nurtured, and experienced. That is just me, however, and platonic companionship might be enough for others.
I often wonder what our mothers and grandmothers went through during this phase in their lives. I know that marriage stayed intact more often back then, often with the husband having the affairs maybe?, but the women had fewer options to leave. Today it is much different. There are choices. I personally never would condone an affair in the marriage – if you are not happy with your partner that you need that most intimate experience with someone else – then leave the marriage. That is a very personal conviction on my part. I think I can overlook most anything else beyond that.
I love the discussions and opinions this topic has spurred. Thank you everyone for weighing in! Again, I believe “to each his own” and no one should judge the feelings, actions, or choices of another – unless of course they are the injured party. Then, it’s personal and judgement is allowed! Right?
Thanks, Lisa. You have opened a spirited discussion! Here are two quotes from Anne Morrow Lindbergh that I came across in my journal for reflection:
“If, day after day, you do the opposite of what you desire, you say the opposite of what you believe, you allow yourself to be pushed and pulled where you do not want to go. There is no impunity for mocking authenticity in this manner. The most exhausting thing in my life is being insincere.” and this one:
“It is all right to wish to be loved alone . . . mutuality is the essence of love. There cannot be others in mutuality. It is only in the time-sense that it is wrong. It is when we desire continuity of being loved alone that we go wrong.”
The quotes are from her book, Gift from the Sea, which I re-read every summer. Come to think of it, it’s now summer! Time for me to read it again. It’s a very timely book for our discussion here.
This is entirely a matter of choice. Some people cannot bear to live with themselves so they opt to allow someone in. A big mistake. I have been on my own for many, many years and love my life. There are more happy single people these days so unless you find someone that is as crazy about you as you are about him/her, why mess up a good single live?
My first marriage was loveless and controlling. The issues that brought us together soon became what took us apart. Even in the very brief space I was single, I did not like living alone. My children at that time made for noise and company in a rather lonely existence.
I am widowed and feel that the love of my life was snatched away. He was my everything, friend, lover, partner and we did everything together. It is hard to do alone things you enjoyed together.
It is certainly no way to enter a single life. And not by choice. It is not that I do not like myself, but I really don’t like living alone.
For one thing a good many things in life are designed for couples. Besides most things are best done in couples – from sex to enjoying an evening out.
Monogomous is when you make a committment. And because sex dwindles or dies is not a good reason to give up on that committment. The fact is with health issues as we age and the chemicals used to aid the health, a lot of the libedo takes a hit.
So if the whole marriage was just about sex, you have lost the marriage. But if you are there for the love, then you find ways and means to make things work, even when different from before. We are creative people.
Keep your sense of humor, all else is inclined to dwindle and fail.
God bless, J