I’m currently conserving my psychic and physical energy for later this week when we move back into our condo after 4 months of flood repairs. This Thursday morning, the movers will be arriving with all our furniture and boxes, and the unpacking will begin. I am assuming our kitchen cabinets will have been completed/installed and the paint finish will now actually match the existing cabinetry. And I am assuming I will be able to react calmly and sanely if they do not match.
I just keep telling myself “this, too, shall pass” and that soon it will be like the sewer back-up/flood, move out, and 4 months of living in a hotel never happened. These are the times when I really wish life had a fast-forward button.
I’m very happy that I’m finally losing weight due to proper, complete BHRT (now including replacement thyroid hormone, which has made all the difference), diet (elimination of alcohol and refined carbs), and exercise (Rebounder trampoline and 3 lb hand weights).
I haven’t been on the Rebounder lately as much as I should. I need to do it first thing in the morning before I eat and drink, otherwise I get acid reflux from jumping up and down, and also have to go to the bathroom 3 times during a half hour work-out if I’ve drunk coffee (diuretic effect)!
If I sit down and look at Vibrant Nation first thing in the morning, I usually get involved in reading and posting, and there goes my work-out time. Next thing I know, my husband is serving me breakfast (lucky me!) and my work-out goes by the wayside. I kid myself that I will do it later on, after I’ve digested my food and before my next meal…and that just never happens. But I never stop thinking it might.
Lately, I’ve been surprised to find out who has discovered and been reading my blog, either here at VN or on Blogspot. Different things surprise and/or resonate with different readers. Lucky I’m really just writing this for me, and not for any particular audience, because I could drive myself crazy wondering and worrying about what a reader will feel or think in response to my unvarnished feelings and thoughts.
I recently heard from a former client who was concerned to read about the state of my life, and the “jolting” (for them) realization that there is a difference between the professional coach they thought they “knew”, and this menopausal woman quite openly and frankly airing her life in cyberspace.
This former client found it hard to reconcile the “cluttered” existence revealed on my blog with the “minimalist” and “psychologically unshakeable” coach they thought they knew. The thing is, I am all these things and more. I am capable of being cluttered and minimalist. I am capable of being psychologically unshakeable and breakable. I am capable of being completely available for other people and being completely self-focused. I could go on.
The point is we are all capable of contradictions and are not just purely one way or another all the time. There’s some kind of famous quote around this…something about a developmental benchmark of being capable of simultaneously holding two opposing thoughts in your mind without going insane. I walk that tightrope a lot!
My coaching clients require me to be spacious and uncluttered in my work with them, and I abundantly bring that. Coaching is all about the client; the successful coach should actually be invisible in facilitating the process. But being invisible for years on end, facilitating the processes and championing the success of others, while rewarding in many ways, has probably led to my blogging because of my need to express my own voice at this time in my life.
I think, for most women, there comes a time in midlife when something has to be about, or for, just you. The bulk of our lives are made up of phases where we have to fulfill others’ needs and expectations – from our boyfriends to husbands, to our employers, co-workers and clients, to our children/grandchildren, and then our aging/failing parents…someone always needs something from us. If you aren’t careful, you can wind up with nothing left for you. Blogging is the means through which I currently explore and claim my voice and existence.
Others read my blog for entertainment and have told me some of the posts read like a mini-movie script which they find themselves mentally casting actors to play the various roles. For my blog post “Once Upon a Time in Rome”, a reader told me he was thinking John Cleese for the role of the amorous Italian front desk clerk. We then discussed Helen Mirren or Judi Dench to play my mother and, when asked who I saw playing me, I yelped “Duh, why Cameron Diaz, of course!” So I haven’t completely lost my sense of humour…yet.
Todo bien. (It’s all good.)
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thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
Hi Lisa,
Had we stopped once in a while along this road we have so far travelled to discover who we are, what we really want, maybe a lot of us women would not explode into being what I now often call myself ( does not need to include anyone out there, this is mostly for me, but if anyone else feels the same, I, for one, understand ) SELFISH.
I am now nurturing myself more than maybe I should. What the heck, I only have one life and the past cannot be relived, so I must do what I can with what I have today, which is finding me thinking about me first, probably for the first time in my life since I was a child and suddenly discovered that the world did not revolve around me, that there were more important people out there then me and I had to take a backseat to almost all of them.
Wonder who I’ll end up being besides a sister, a mother, an ex-spouse, a liscensed practical nurse etc. etc. etc.
Hope you have a great time of moving back home. Then you can emit a much deserved AAAAHHHHH , sigh of relief!
anir
Thanks Anir, and I wish you the very best as you deservedly “explode” into being all you!
Hi Lisa: I really like your new hairdo, it looks good on you. Your article is so relevant to my life right now. I recognize “me” in so much of what you have written. For years I was the psychologically unshakeable clinical therapist. At the same time I was the forever giving mom and grandma. My ability to help my family through their trials, etc. was immensely increased because of my training and experience. We went on like that for years. Then when I retired I wanted changes, I wanted to begin the era of my life where I could put all my energies into me (and Tom). I guess you could say I began to differieniate from my kids and grandkids. That’s what we are supposed to do, right? (or maybe they are suppose to do the differieniating. lol). Well, would you believe that the kids wanted a meeting to tell me that “they wanted their mom and grandmom back.” One of them said that it seems like I have more compassion for the students I’m teaching than I have more my kids. That’s the basis of a two hour discussion. Lots more was said… I listened (we’re good at that right?) I really had no comments. I wondered what mom and grandmom they wanted back, the one from last year, two years ago, the one from five years ago. The last ten years of my life have brought some huge changes in me. And then I thought “how dare, one of them tell me how I feel — compassion?” And then base their own opinion on their own “feelings”. I have been very upset. No one knows, this is the first that I have talked about it because what you wrote brought out an understanding about the changes in me. Now all I have to do is figure out how stop feeling that I’ve been “ganged up on.” I’ll get through this. Sometimes I wonder if my kids will get through it. Always a pleasure reading your blogs. Keep it up. -dyna
Oh Dynamomma,
I was on my way to my Rebounder to bounce for a half hour when I read this…and felt I needed to respond, so the rebounding can wait!
I hear you, I understand (something kinda similar was triggered in the family), and I am honoured to have captured something you’ve been feeling and can relate to in a way that’s enabling you to explore it further.
I believe women often don’t change/grow in ways they desire, or become who they wish to be because it will upset other people (especially when it may upset the people they love). We stay who they need us to be, rather than become/express how we truly are. Somehow me-struggling-to-be-more-me gets interpreted as me-rejecting-you. And they want us back the way we were (I call it “back in the box” that gets put up on a shelf where you live in a state of suspended animation until needed) because that’s who they think you are and that’s who they are comfortable with. They don’t want the work of getting to know new or different aspects of you and to do the work of forging a new relationship. It’s easier for them if you stay the same.
A couple of things that have helped me…
No matter what others think or believe, I am not responsible for their reactions, they are. I can bend myself out of shape to make someone else feel comfortable because they believe that’s what needs to happen. But is that true? No. Their responses are their own choice. I can no more force someone to feel a certain way than anyone else can force me to feel something. It’s entirely subjective. So for someone else to require me to be something or act a certain way to make them feel more comfortable with their own feelings is not fair to either of us.
I question my own thoughts and feelings. When something pushes a button, I ask, “Why does this bother me? What is it in me that makes me feel this way?” Then I examine the validity of that thought or feeling. Is it true? Can I prove that it’s true? How would I feel if it was not true at all? What if I let this thought go and stopped believing it? God, what is your truth about me?
Others will choose to think and feel what they want to, even if they believe it’s your fault. It’s not. Everyone chooses his or her own response. How you know that this is true is because the responses of other people are never the same. One may be outraged while another may not even notice a problem, and all to the same event. Once I got free of feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings my life became much calmer and happier. I stopped being a victim of passive-aggressive manipulation. It just ceased to work on me. I recognized it when others tried to use it on me, but it just had no affect. Previously, I would turn myself inside out to try to appease the perpetrator. But no more. Someone else’s feelings are not my problem. It’s up to them how they choose to feel and think. My own feelings and thoughts are also my own choice.
I agree completely with you & with Lisa that the expectation others place upon us keeps everyone in a certain comfort zone – for them & sometimes for us too. They want to know they can always rely on Mom/Grandmom to be there for them. It’s a comfort thing & something they have been used to & simply do not want to change.
I love Lisa’s statement “Somehow me-struggling-to-be-more-me gets interpreted as me-rejecting-you.” It describes their side of the story perfectly.
The fact is you have your own life & are going to have to set boundaries with them so that they learn to respect your time & energy as much as they expect others to do for them. Sure the guilt may raise it’s head from time to time – but if you can remind yourself that this is your time of life for doing things for yourself & release the pressure you or others put at your door you’ll reap many benefits & peace of mind for the effort!
Reading your blog just resonated with me as well~~it was if u were writing my thoughts. I had to laugh with the rebounder info–as I couldn’t figure out why now I was experiencing acid reflux & also was finding that I had to visit the ladies room many times in the morning.
I am trying to decide about these bioidentical hormone thing as I have taken natural progesterone cream for years as I have read everything that the late Dr. John Lee wrote about natural hormones & natural progesterone.I have also kept abreast of Suzanne Somers & her books & have actual heard her speak in Toronto. I admire her courage to go forward with this bioidentical hormone path especially since she is going against the main stream medicine & the “standard of care” issue. I am not happy with the medical field in so many areas as menopause has been treated like a “disease” rather than a natural course of aging. So I am still trying to decide about trying the bioidentical hormone route–as libido is an issue for me at this end.Iam also fuming over this latest info that these risedronate sulphide drugs (bone building drugs that were suppose to prevent bone fractures) have actually proven to increase bone fractures. Dr. John Lee had actually mentioned that fact in one of his books. I’m ranting & perhaps getting off topic.
I too can relate to being capable of contradictions & not just purely one way or another. I’m finding that these menopausal years have set me to discovering who & why we are the way we are. It has been a journey of self discovery & is now a journey of being more “me” and perhaps a little selfish after always being there for my family & after caring for aging parents. My emotions have been all over the map & at times I thought I was going a little crazy & perhaps making my spouse a little crazy.
Claiming your voice & existence is a good thing.
Pat
Thanks to you, and the other VN women who have posted on this conversation thread – your comments are all resonating with and helping me along. And it’s just the biggest motivational boost to my writing when I hear someone say it was as if I were writing their thoughts. Connection is so important- to know your experiences are shared by others…to feel acknowledged and understood.
I’ve also read Dr. John Lee and learned a lot from his writing. I found it very enlightening what he had to say about retaining and building bones and how the current drugs contribute to weakened bones and fractures. It’s not about retaining crumbly older bone tissue (which leads to weakness and fractures) it’s about maintaining our body’s capability to build new, strong bone mass. And I understand that proper BHRT supports bone health. Pat, good luck with making your BHRT decision.
I am starting to wonder if it’s not the experience of midlife/menopause, per se, that makes some of us feel/act a little “crazy”…but the 3+ decades of juggling, constant stress and striving that lead-up to this point in our lives may be what actually sets us up for some physical and mental suffering.
Menopause IS a significant change-of-life phase, but perhaps even more significantly many of us hit it after years of burning the candle at both ends, and have to deal with menopause challenges when we are depleted from years of over-taxing our personal coping resources and bodily systems.