It’s been about a year since my relationship with my older sister, “Gigi” blew up in my face. What started the ball rolling in the direction of permanent estrangement was our mother’s debilitating stroke in January 2009. Things then unravelled in a way that showed all the weakness and dysfunction in our family, and the instability of our sibling relationship.
It was a huge disappointment that it’s taken me a while to dissect and understand. But I recently came across a framework (which is outlined at the end of this blog post) that lays out five critical human desires that must be addressed in any negotiation and, believe me, settling an estate among siblings IS a negotiation.
In my case, every difference between my sister and me (from personalities and motivations, to life circumstances) became a major stumbling block. We were ultimately unable to communicate, never mind constructively collaborate, respecting our mother’s care and organizing her financial affairs with a focus on proper estate planning (which our mother had not done, despite her paying a lot of lip service to it over the years).
Now, I’m a very open and straightforward person, and assumed Gigi was too (or at least would be with me). But she actually keeps things pretty close to her chest and doesn’t really let anyone in. She’s also capable of nursing grudges, which is something I didn’t know.
Gigi put a lot of emotional and geographic distance between herself and our family starting back when she was 18 and left home amid high drama (I was 14 at the time). For about the past 25-30 years, she’s mostly lived around 3,000 kms away and rarely visited my parents during that time. The hurts and crap between her and my parents had nothing to do with me but, because I had a less fraught relationship with our parents over the years, I now think that somehow threatened her.
I was the daughter-on-the-spot who dealt with everything over these many years – from our parents’ severe marital discord, to always sticking up for my absent sister when my parents carped and criticized her lack of contact/connection with them and her questionable choices in life and love, right through to our mother’s complete mental breakdown and commitment to a psychiatric hospital. And these are just a few of the familial “lowlights” that I faced and handled without any help or involvement from my sister.
Throughout it all, Gigi stayed away, seemingly content to let me handle all the crises and trauma, and all the while I responsibly kept her up-to-date, in the the communications loop, and fostered an ongoing sibling relationship with her. With the exception of a three week period in the late winter of 1995 when our father suddenly became ill and died, Gigi was pretty much missing-in-action until 2009.
I essentially served as family “glue” and a communication conduit for decades, and I mostly understood and didn’t resent my sister’s choice to keep her distance. I knew she had her reasons and didn’t expect from her that which she could not give. But I also thought she grasped the burden I shouldered for the both of us, and that she had some appreciation for my efforts at maintaining some semblance of family connection. It turns out I was seriously mistaken.
At the point our mother became physically ill and incapacitated, I stepped in to use the Power of Attorney (PoA) she had granted me years before. I searched out and organized our mother’s total rat’s nest of financial affairs and undertook the proper estate planning she had failed to do.
I kept Gigi informed (verbally and in writing) every step of the way. Everything I did was in accordance with what our mother said she intended to do for us and in accordance with her will (i.e., to equally divide and leave us everything she had) and done with my mother’s awareness as well as the involvement and consultation/advice of her financial advisors, two accountants, and with lawyers’ review and advice (Gigi’s lawyer and mine). It was untold hours of work and a lot of stress for me, but it needed to be done and I happened to be the responsible offspring on-site with the PoA authority to carry out the work. And so I did it.
Throughout, I was representing and acting in our equal best interets as eventual beneficiaries, as well as safeguarding all of our mother’s ongoing material interests and her care needs. However, as the estate planning decisions and actions started to become more concrete, my sister resisted and rebelled against me – in much the same way as she had always rebelled against our parents. Things have always had to be her idea and/or mesh with her unique perspective, or she would just not cooperate – no matter how logical or rational the strategy.
What I experienced as a weary, thankless role in doing all the hard work and “heavy lifting” respecting our mother’s care and estate planning, I think my sister saw as some powerful, privileged position that I had, and that I could possibly screw her over. She seems to have imagined some sort of a “good daughter/bad daughter” dichotomy, where she perceived me as the advantaged “good daughter” living in close proximity, with influence and control over our mother. The sad reality of the situation was that I was an abused adult daughter and totally taken forgranted by our mother who wore me out with her constant demands, manipulations and basic insanity. And Gigi, it turns out, had zero understanding or empathy for any aspect of my situation.
I was incredulous when Gigi baselessly started speculating that I could be “feathering my nest” at her expense; she also accused me of being “in cahoots” with the lawyer providing me advice on managing all these affairs. When the government Land Titles Office was slow to provide the legal documentation proving I had voluntarily had my name removed from the title of our mother’s condo (I had been on title since our mother purchased it in the 1980′s), Gigi immediately hypothesized I could have done something crooked to ensure I would solely inherit the condo and cut her out of her rightful share! I found her constant suspicions outrageous and insulting in the extreme.
All Gigi had to say to explain herself was that she was committed to “protecting our inheritance” and would not stand for any decision or action that, in her view, might in any way jeopardize the future of that inheritance (meaning she thought our mother could disinherit us on a whim). But, despite Gigi’s use of “our”, I understood she was talking about protecting and ensuring HER share of the inheritance. She felt very insecure in this regard.
Our mother died early in 2010, and settlement of her estate in a straightforward, financially prudent, and transparent manner is only possible because of all the legwork I did in the prior months. Up to the point of our estrangement, I had cared both about my sister and our joint inheritance, but soon came to feel that all Gigi cared about was the money. God knows, she needs it – she doesn’t really have or own anything of any value.
Sadly, our story is a very common one. I have since heard and read that this type of family dynamic abounds in these situations – that, more often than not, family hurts, mistrust, and sibling rivalry rooted in the past get resurrected and end up colouring the present and influencing the future.
I recently came across some information that concisely explains what I feel went wrong a year ago. Directors at the Harvard Negotiation Project have written a book called “Beyond Reason” that lays out the five basic human desires that have to be addressed in successful negotiations. In my opinion, Gigi breached all five in her dealings with me about our mother and estate planning. Here are the five things:
1. A Fulfilling Role - Gigi completely failed to recognize that the role I was stuck in was not fulfilling. Being caretaker, administrator and general sanity-keeper of the difficult woman who was our mother was completely thankless and unrewarding. It did not remotely give me the feeling of fulfillment that the authors say is one of the five critical pieces of constructive deal-making. Further, Gigi often second-guessed and “armchair quarterbacked” me from 3,000 km away. Her ideas and proposed solutions were most often impractical and/or outright idiotic (e.g., uproot our very ill mother and move her 4 provinces east, with no plan in place for her care or even an available nursing home placement).
2. Appreciation – I never felt Gigi properly valued the work I was doing nor the role I was fulfilling in looking after our mother and responsibly ensuring our potential inheritance was secure. Rather than having and expressing appreciation, at the first sign of initial discord between us she quickly moved to accusing me of all manner of nefarious motives and dealings – all completely baseless and insulting. When she was proven wrong, there was never any retraction or apology.
3. Affiliation – this is about having a feeling of connection. I felt I was abundantly demonstrating my affiliation to my sister and showing that I had her back and was looking after her interests equally with my own. However, it became apparent she felt no connection to me, as demonstrated by her lack of support and outright opposition to estate planning work that had been underway for months and of which she had been fully informed (and had never previously gave any indication she was not totally on board).
4. Status - this is about feeling respected. Gigi did not acknowledge or respect my in-depth knowledge and familiarity with the situation that stemmed from the fact I knew our mother a lot better (having lived in the same town all my life, whereas Gigi had seen our mother about 6 times in the past 30 years), I had the PoA and had done all the financial research and legwork to organize these complex affairs, and I was the one on-site managing our mother’s ongoing health care and medical/nursing needs. No, Gigi still acted like she knew best when, in fact, she was clueless. She refused to listen to anything I (or my lawyer) had to say.
5. Autonomy – this is about feeling you are free to make decisions. Although I had all the proper legal powers/authority and had followed all legal steps and legal/accounting advice with respect to estate planning, when I wanted to move ahead with some actions, my sister obstinately said “No way” and seemed to feel she could simply veto my conscientious efforts from across the country. I did not move ahead on the contentious issue as I never did get my sister’s agreement, but I deeply resented her unilateral insistence on controlling a situation for which she had such scant understanding and appreciation, not to mention absolutely no formal role or legal authority.
I hope knowing these five basic desires and how they come to bear on a situation like this may help someone else navigate these treacherous waters. It’s too late for Gigi and me. We’ve both written each other off. The estate is almost completely settled now and, on final division, we’ll be going our own ways.
I have no interest in trying to repair a relationship with someone who I feel used me for years and ultimately betrayed and let me down. And, now that Gigi has her money, there’s no longer any reason for her to try to keep me in her orbit – I’ve obviously served my purpose, which was to keep her looped into the family in way that cost her nothing, yet ensured she got her 50% share of the inheritance without ever having to lift a finger.
Todo bien. (It’s all good.)
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Hi, Lisa, Thank you for this interesting post. I am sorry about your Mom and the estrangement with your sister. Even if you are not sorry, it is still a sad situation, although common, as you note. In your concluding remarks, you observe that your sister breached all of the five basic human desires in her dealings with you re: your Mother’s estate. I wonder what your sister’s side of the story might be. Did she feel fulfilled or appreciated by you? You express your view that your sister’s ideas were impractical or “outright idiotic.” From these and other remarks, it is evident that you did not feel a sense of affiliation with your sister, let alone appreciate or respect her views and attempts to contribute, worthless as you may have perceived those to be. Perhaps your sister believes you breached all of the basic human desires in your dealings with her. It’s a two-way street, right? Just a thought; I know full well how difficult sibling relationships can be, especially during the stress and aftermath of caretaking and parental loss. Take care.
I am going to forward this post to a sister ging through hell because she was the PoA for her mother! The other sister, who is dubbed “The Right Sister” now has a lawyer and is attacking the work done by sister PoA! Why? Because she feels she did not get enough of HER money…it is funny how an inheritance means to some they DESERVE means and money. Great blog- thanks!
I hear you, but please understand I only reached the breaking point I did with my sister after countless, patient attempts over many months to work with her in an open, loving, caring and sisterly way that consistently honoured all 5 of those factors.
But it was to no avail and had no impact on her and I did, indeed, reach a point of frustration where I totally gave up and “bit back”; I am sure she was/is hurt by me and would say I breached her boundaries.
I can certainly imagine what her “story” is about me but the plain facts (and extensive e-mail paper trail) demonstrate what really went down between us and abundantly show her “agenda” (which was sibling rivalry and acting out feelings of resentment over her kid sister having PoA and Executor roles).
Ugh, one would think my 61 yr old sister and I (almost 55) would’ve settled the sibling rivalry stuff by now. Nah. She’s still as self-absorbed as ever and while my parents are still alive and lucid, I know the day will come when she will be her true petty self and point out why I am an inadquate PoA even thouth I never asked for the responsibility and she lives 4,000 miles away. She’s already walked off with my mother’s best jewelry and probably would’ve taken it all had my mother not spoken up on my behalf.
I haven’t spoken to her in years. Our children are grown and similarly share no connection beyond their grandparents. My sister is not a person who could ever show I mattered in any meaningful way. I am happier without her. Because we came from the same womb means very little. She wouldn’t get a kidney from me…..
At our age, we need to liberate ourselves from obligations that serve little purpose.
Hi Lisa,
I could ‘ditto’ so much of what you have experienced. Your frustration comes through loud and clear!
I know that the early years of horrible family dysfunction and, the lack of bonding with my siblings, is the root cause of our problems in “settling the family estate”. It would take pages to describe ‘what went wrong’.
It seems that the conscientious, responsible, sibling is often resented by those who chose to be neglectful, yet, when they smell $$, do they ever come to attention! Our attorney said that he has seen siblings argue over “one old gray sock”!! Lol
As a result of all this bickering, my siblings and I are totally estranged (my older sister has passed away). Our estrangement is not only the parental estate problem, but also, our basic values. The four of us have taken radically different paths! They, my “flesh and blood” are like aliens to me! We look alike, talk alike, walk alike, but are nothing alike, in the most important way, in how we have processed our lives.
I have always envied Norman Rockwell’s depiction of family gatherings, especially, his rendering of the family Thanksgiving Dinner…if only…
Ah, well…thanks for sharing part of your story! I can so relate!
Evie, you’ve been there and you sure do understand! And yes, my sister and I look and sound alike, but are completely different people in all respects. When values are not shared, it makes it hard for people to come together on contentious issues. The cynic in me snorts when I see Rockwell depictions of families! lol
and my experience taking care of my parents’ sicknesses thru their deaths by myself while caregiver for my husband with ALS were hard enough with only sibling living thousands of miles away. But worse was that brother wouldn’t help in any decisions but his wife did. my brother would tell me he had to always ask his wife and do what she said. when my parents’ died 5 weeks a part my brother or his wife never even came here. all his wife cared about was what 1/2 of the estate she would get. yes it can become sick when there is just a mobile home & car & a few thousand dollars involved with a weak brother and bitch sister in law.
Sandra, I can only imagine how frustrating and saddening that must have been. Amazing that you go through it!
Missed this one! You’re funny!
Through this whole post, I hear what you’re not saying… you seem to need to announce that you are the ‘good’ sister, the ‘responsible’ sister. You are. I would also like to hear your sister’s version. There is a lot of pain causing that distance, and you seem to almost understand how you could ‘represent’ your mother to your sister and she may have transferred some anger to you. When you say over and over how ‘responsible’ and ‘communicative’ you were to her – try to understand how this may have sounded to her. “Here I am, doing all the work for our mother, taking care of the meds, the money, the house, the doctors, etc. etc. etc, and I’m going to fill you in on it because you’re a daughter, too and need to know this stuff…. but are AWOL and I have to do it all….” I am absolutely SURE you never, ever meant to come off like that. But… it sounds like it may have happened, just reading your litany.
Your sister is wrong, wrong, wrong to insinuate that you wouldn’t be fair. I think you’re bending over backwards to be fair. But you are also filled with resentment at having to do everything, please don’t say ‘no’, because it’s screaming of the page. She may never come around, and you just have to accept that. I am so sorry over the loss of your mom, no matter what her problems were. I hope you can find some peace, and after any $$ is distributed, are able to let it go.
I do completely own the resentment I now feel but must emphasize it only was created within the last year. Recent events have changed my perspective on the past.
Prior to our mother’s stroke in January 2009, I quite willingly and understandingly was the nearby, responsible adult child. Our mother’s crises were far enough apart over the years that I was able to deal with them (e.g., our mother falling and breaking an arm, then later a shoulder, and having a breakdown that required me to commit her etc). I kept my sister informed/advised but in a sensitive manner that buffered her from the stress and upset. I was always conscious of the fact Gigi has a much older and unwell husband (who is a diabetic on dialysis) and that she essentially had to nurse him, so was not able to take on more, especially from 3,000 km away. I understood and accommodated and did not resent her for this.
My sister and I even had a rather conspiratorial relationship regarding our mother – we had pacts about what we would tell her/not tell her respecting each other and our lives, and I flew my sister out to secretly vacation at my cottage 3 times (on my airmiles – because I wanted to see her and she could not afford to come) and neither of us wanted to include my mother in these visits. For a fourth visit to my cottage, I did take it upon myself to invite our mother and her then-husband (before he tossed her out). And I paid to put my mother and stepdad up at a nearby lodge, so we’d all have some space and privacy.
What was a rude shock it was last year to find out that my sister did not have any understanding or appreciation for anything I’d been doing and how hard it all was since January 2009. When I tried to explain it, I was met with a response of “Well, it was your choice to live in Victoria. You could have moved away like I did.”
We had several disagreements and my sister wrote and asked me to not tell our mother about the points of friction between us. I agreed it would be unwise to stress and fret our very unstable mother, so I kept up a happy front. I also did not want to be potentially seen as the manipulative local daughter who was influencing a sick mother against an absent child.
So I kept my mouth shut and never complained about Gigi. Imagine my shock, on one of my visits to our mother, to find her waving around a letter from my sister telling our mother about “the rift” between us, insinuating it was all my fault, and Gigi warning she needed our mother to make her co-executor of her will ”because Lisa’s husband will live longer than mine.” WTF?
The ultimate demonstration of how little attention my sister paid to anything I took pains to communicate (in writing) was her complete inability to grasp/remember anything our mother’s medical condition and related behaviour. I had told Gigi everything about our mother’s ongoing condition and symptoms (physical and mental) and the rounds of doctors and specialists, and my efforts to get the right medications in place for treating “Central Post Stroke Pain.” I told her our mother only left the nursing him for medical appointments (which were a half day ordeal each time) and spent about 22 hours a day in bed; she didn’t even want to get out of bed for meals.
My sister planned a 5 day visit with our mother over New Year’s (I was going to be out of town) and started e-mailing me for advice about various outings she could take our mother on…Gigi was imagining afternoon tea at the Fairmont Empress Hotel and an early New Year’s Eve dinner in Chinatown! All nice ideas, but I had told Gigi many times that no one, not any one, had been able to get our mother out of hospital scrubs and terry towel booties, never mind get her dressed and on an “outing” – she would not even agree to sit outside on a lovely summer day! She was only remotely comfortable when in bed, in a darkened room. I told her Mom would not be up for any outings, but Gigi didn’t believe me and wrote our mother about all the great plans she had for the two of them while she was visiting. Once again, I visited my mother to be met with an infuriated woman waving Gigi’s latest letter at me and demanding to know what the hell I’ve been telling my sister that she thinks her mother is well enough to go “galivanting.” She was extremely upset and assuming I had failed in my duty to keep my sister accurately and appropriately informed.
Gigi had her brief visit with our mother and e-mailed me an update. Without a whit of irony, Gigi went on at length about what a “horrendous” visit it was and how difficult our mother was to deal with (never got her out of the facility on an outing) and that Gigi had been happy to leave. So, Gigi couldn’t handle it for 5 days, yet still had no cognition of what the prior 12 months had been like for me. These are just a few examples of why I have searing resentment that leaps off the page.
Dear Lisa, I hope you get a hug from someone very important in your life to make up for the horror of your childhood. You were charged with being the ‘princess’ in the house, meaning: with taking charge of the burdens that your parents refused to take on, as soon as you were able. That is: from your earliest childhood. You never existed in your own right, but had to bear the all burdens and responsibility, which your sister shrugged off as soon as she could run away.
Each responds to manipulation and abuse in the way allowed to them, in order to survive as a child. However, now that it’s all over, as soon as you understand the scope of abuse in which aftermath you are writing this, it is time for you to shrug this other inheritance.
Is that ever possible, you may ask. If you like the way you have developed and are, then you can start your own life, without restraint of guilt or self accusations. You are free.
This is my understanding of what happened:
Your sister has continued “the family romance” ie. abusing you as did your parents, since it seems that’s all she got out of your parents’ parenting. She left that environment because they drove her nuts, probably she became their scapegoat, and the inherited craziness shows in the way she attacks you. Your sister is at times delusional and mentally very scarred.
It is impossible to prove to people in such a condition who you are and that you did right. Please do not attempt to prove it any further to anyone or to yourself, because it is an invitation to abuse, as per Buddy above who still questions you. From all the above you seem to have been your mother ‘s parent, and that is abuse in itself, by not allowing you to exist in your own right. To the very last moment your mother demanded your entire being and planned it so that still now, nothing can exist but her in your life. Your sister fell into your mother’s trap mind and soul so she is lost, however not because of any action on your part. Be glad she is out of your life, because she is sick and nothing can help her except she herself or professionally qualified people.
You also seem to forget your father ‘s role entirely, as if his death put an end to his lasting inheritance.
Time for you to make a new life devoid of poisonous attachments and catch up with all you have missed when you were the only responsible one (which is probably from when you were a small child)
Thank you GretaM, you certainly captured my life experience and how I feel (have felt). I wonder what you have gone through in your own life (suffered) to possess this sort of insight – it’s usually born of pain. However you came to this depth of insight, thank you for the understanding, empathy and encouragement in how to move forward.
You nailed my major problem in life…a feeling of nonexistence/not mattering. My parents were the masters of emotional annihilation. Indeed, that’s what my sister started to perpetrate and took over delivering that message i.e., that what I experience, feel, believe, and think is necessary to do, does not matter in the least. And for my part, when she responded to me this way, I repeated familial patterns of verbal abuse (via e-mail) in ways that attacked her intelligence and questioned her grasp on reality.
I know she is damaged and scarred and is coping the best way she can, and doing what she knows how to do, and what she believes is best for her. I have been able to release and let go of the worst of this aftermath since the therapeutic act of writing this account. I’m making the time and creating the space for the new life you suggest!
My condolences for the loss of your Mother, and my empathy for the way things transpired for you.
You have written a truthful article about what happens in most families! It is hard and there is ALWAYS a sibling or close relative who will nitpick, argue, accuse and demand that everything is right down to the penny! I am serious about that penny! I’ve seen it!
When you are the one dealing with the mundane and minutiae of a parents life, it is easy to become frustrated when another sibling whose ‘share’ of care is not equitable starts dictating their wishes and whims and demands. Questioning your motives. Yes there are 2 sides to every story and yes the other sibling may feel ‘left out’ at times, but when they purposely remove themselves from the circle of responsibility it is hard for the primary caregiver to feel much empathy. When the caregiver has spent an inordinate amount of time and often their own money – for another to think and say that YOU are getting more than ME pushes some hot buttons. For them to say or write conflicting statements to a parent about you is painful and distressing. Shades of childhood ‘I’m going to tell if……… (fill in the blank)’ let alone the fact it’s generally an outright lie if not at least an exaggeration.
It is and has always been amazing to me the greed and ugliness that transpires over the death of a parent. In my family there’s little of cash value to be distributed, mostly sentimental items – but that eagle eye of penny value still exists. Apparently this too is part of the ‘circle of life’ unfortunately, not the grief, not the missing of the person, but THINGS, just things.
You’re so right about those “shades of childhood” and the “I’m going to tell…” threats and behaviours. The worst kind of trip down memory lane to have to take when you’re in your 50′s and (mistakenly) thought that was all in the past.
Sorry for your loss! I can truly relate to the situation between you and your sister as I have gone through something similar. My brother passed away unexpectedly and tragically last summer. He and I were very close as children but he was a little disconnected from most people. He had friends at work but kept to himself a lot and we mostly communicated by email. Like many people, he neglected to name anyone as beneficiary for his estate, so when he passed, the law said that it would go to his parents. My father passed away many years ago, so that left my mother.
I have three other siblings now that my brother has passed and without going into all the details, suffice it to say that I have learned that weddings and funerals bring out the absolute best and the absolute worst in people. What was a very painful time for all of us, particularly me since I was closest to him, became excruciating and as a result, I have distanced myself a little from all of them. The selfishness, greed, misunderstandings and disagreements were just too much for me. My younger sister who barely spoke to my brother (they just didn’t like each other, truly) pushed her way into “assisting” my mother with managing his affairs, my mother eventually got the money and doled out a little to each of us but wound up spending a lot of it in slot machines at the casino where she spends most of her time. In the meantime, my other brother and I have been unemployed for the past year. Needless to say, I have to fight an enormous resentment over all of this. My choice has been to say thank you for the money she gave me and just back up from all the rest of it. Fighting about money causes scars in families that I’m not sure can ever be healed.
The up side of all this is that I made a will and a living will and put my daughter’s name on it. I don’t have much, but everything I own and everything that will transpire including my desire for cremation will be in my daughter’s hands when I go. There will be NO bickering over my dead body. My brother, who hated a fuss and avoided any kind of drama like the plague would be horrified if he knew all that had gone on after his passing.
I’m sorry to hear about your brother’s untimely death and what happened in your family. You’re smart to do what you can to “back up from all the rest of it.” I agree with you these rifts don’t ever completely heal. People may get to a place of forgiveness, but they never forget.
Like you , my husband and I have done all we can re: wills, Power of Attorney and living wills to make things easier in our family when the time comes. We have shared all these documents with our beneficiaries and explained our wishes and intentions to them so there is no confusion (or less confusion) down the road.
I think a couple of you are being AWFULLY hard on Lisa, considering what she has survived!! Think if you were in her place: would you like being reprimanded as you have her? I don’t see how there is much in defense of the absent sister here. Thank you, Lisa, for a very deep and detailed story of what many of us still have ahead of us….it was worth printing out to reread and keep…God Bless you for your time in writing this to help others!
Hi Nadine, you are SO sweet to stick up for me! However, I do acknowledge there are three sides to every story (my side, the other person’s side, and somewhere in between lies the absolute truth).
I am sure my sister could write an account that would make her look very sympathetic – it would be all too easy to paint a picture of me as the tyrannical kid sister invested with all the power and control.
But it wouldn’t matter to me what she said because I know the truth of my heart and intentions, and that I acted in accordance with morality, ethics and integrity.
I think purposely absent siblings suffer from some guilt and, if they are unable to acknowledge and discuss that guilt, it will color what transpires.
I wrote this post to tell my story and to share that framework because I think, if the siblings could honestly discuss those 5 things and what their needs are in that, they might have a hope of getting through this type of situation.
Wow – this is sort of a mixed bag of feelings to read.
While I think you make some very valid points, I can see some of my sister in here too.
She is ten years older than I, and has never had any use for me in her life. I was always the outcast in her eyes, but only her eyes!
While I can see your side and how you had to take on more of the responsibility that you really didn’t want in order to get it done, I can also see your sister’s side. While you apparently did a good job of notifying her of what you had done, did you ever ask for her input BEFORE a decision was made? That’s where most siblings get irritated – the assumption that one sibling has all the answers. I don’t see where you asked for her input before making things legally binding. That probably escalated the issues for your sister. None of us like to hear “by the way, here’s what I did”, even if it was the only choice. Most of us just want to be included!
I am sorry you felt so used by your sister, but if she was as absent as you said she was for so many years, I am not sure how the using came into play, unless it was in the carrying out of the will.
Both of our parents are passed now, and nothing ever healed between my sister and myself.
My inheritance? Zip, zero, nada from either parent.
As the oldest child of two, she had the POA for my mother. ( My father passed first, and left everything to my mother.) My sister (who is truly bizarre in her own sense, kid out of wedlock in high school, married five times now at last known count, etc etc) owned the house they had been living in, and rented it to them. (Yup, my parents paid rent to her.) I never saw a copy of my father’s will, but knew he had left everything to mom, as he should have.
I also never saw a copy of my mother’s will.
This is how twisted my sister is (I wonder if there is an insantiy clause?) – she had moved mom away without telling any of us, and then would not tell us where she moved her to! We spent TEN YEARS looking for my mother. Each letter or package to our kids would have the return address (she gave them to my sister to mail for her) cut off entirely. The letters would ask us why we didn’t write back or call her anymore… you can imagine what my sister was telling her! We couldn’t find her, and only know she had moved her from Texas to California, due to the postmarks. I know it was against her will at the time, because my mother always hated California, and begged me to let her sleep on a couch at our house rather than live out there with my sister.
The big slipup came when my sister was mailing out holiday cards for my mom. Of course, ours came with the address label removed. One sent to my sister in law (who had also always had the labels removed) came with one still attached – she had slipped up! My sister in law immediately called me to let me know about it. She knew of the troubles we’d had and the long search for my mom.
We called her that very week. We told her about all the things we’d received with no address on them. She didn’t believe Sis would do such a thing! (Her firstborn was perfect in Mom’s eyes – I was the second kiddo, born ten yrs later.) It took my sister in law telling her as well for her to finally believe it. However, she did nothing about it, because my sister was “taking care of her”. For her, that meant she’d put mom in a trailer home with her middle son (who she also didn’t like – she’d tried to move from TX to CA without him, but we had inadvertantly spilled the beans one day by asking him how he’d like being near the beach all the time!).
Anyway – long drama cut a little shorter – I didn’t know about it when my own mother passed away!
My sister never said one word to me. My sister in law, by a huge coincidence, had started attending the church that we had gone to when we lived in TX. Our entire family had attended that church for many years. She was there one Sunday when it happened to have a condolence message to “Former member K on the loss of her mother”. No mention of me was included, despite my being a member and youth counselor for years!
So, I found out one of the most difficult ways possible that she had passed. I never saw a will, never had any papers to sign, not notified of a thing.
So, she found some way around it all. Oh well – I don’t have much, but I do have enough decency to never treat people like that. She had POA, but there was no excuse for her to not communicate. She probably lied that I had passed away or something – who knows….
Not sure what it is about inheritance that brings out the worst in families!
My husband is one of seven children. He is the baby of the family and has never been included in any family decisions, mostly based on his age. (Of course, the “baby” is now 51!) His mother passed away January 1 of this year. His father had passed away in 2002. We have received a copy of the will, which stated that all the assets (property, many CD’s, etc etc) were to be divided equally among the remaining children. All 7 are alive and well.
So far, we’ve heard nothing else back, not received a check, etc etc. The decision was made (without him) to sell the house to one of the sisters. I understand wanting it to stay in the family. However, they undervalued the house by quite a bit (by about $30K for the area), apparently trying to make it affordable for this sister. We have no problem with that, but still have not received any notice of the sale or compensation from the estate. I am not sure how long it takes to settle one, but the sister is already moved into the home, and they are building on the land to include a house for her daughter and her family.
I am not sure how long to wait for news on this. We would not have known about the sale to the sister if it was not for one of the sister-in-laws who I am on friend term with. (He is no longer close to his brothers and sisters after some very hurtful things they’d done a while back. You can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose to stop the hurt.)
Anyone know how long it takes to probate a will? We got a copy of the will sent to us by the lawyer back in May. All the other goings-on are going on without our knowledge or inclusion. We aren’t sure what to do. For some reason, being the baby of the family seems to make the others disregard their opinion or input!
I agree with another poster – weddings and funerals both can bring out the worst in family members!
Wow – quite the experiences on your side of the family and on your husband’s side; good luck with it all.
As to your questions about probate etc. you may want to consult a lawyer and find out what questions you have a right to ask (without looking accusatory or anything), and the level of involvement/consultation and notification you should be able to expect. A lawyer would also be able to tell you about the timing for reasonable settlement of an estate.
I appreciate the chance to address a point you raised and to be able to clarify I always consulted in advance with my sister and ran everything past her. I never just decided or did something and told her after the fact. I was collaborative and inclusive every step of the way. I put myself in her shoes and treated her how I would have wanted to be treated if our positions were reversed. I now think I actually gave her too much information and it overwhelmed her – she just could not seem to absorb or remember key things. I would have to repeat myself or refer her to previous e-mail which she’d either not read or didn’t recall.
Regardless of my efforts, obviously I still did or did not do things in the way she thought I should, and we are estranged.
Going through this now and have 4 Gigi’s to deal with (family members, but not siblings). What is so sad is that it is so stereotypical and predictable. Worse yet, I am a former Trust Officer of a bank, handling estates and trusts and saw this type of behavior all the time and swore it would not happen in my family – and yet it did – even with all the estate planning done and cast in stone ahead of time and equal distribution to siblings. The children of one of the siblings seem to have followed points 1-5 – breaching all of them exactly as described. Terrible to be so predictable. And they have zero experience.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all had tv families who could all treat each other with love, courtesy and respect. …just wishing…
Yes, TV and the movies give a skewed vision of what families are (or should be) capable of dealing with. There’s usually redemption somewhere along the way, and people come together, love prevails and differences are overcome, and everyone ultimately understands and accepts each other…if only that were true more often in real life.
Patience is a virtue…. even if it isn’t one of mine. Sorry to fall back on platitudes, but good things do come to those who wait. I hope everything will eventually work out between you and your sister.