I’ve been mulling over some interesting stuff I’ve read in the newspaper lately and here on VN…and it got me to thinking. I realized long ago that, in many respects, I am part of the “normal mainstream” as generally defined by North American society. But in a couple of ways, I really go against the grain.
I’ve totally refused to embrace, or have shucked off, a couple of key roles in life that most women assume and take for granted. I was a dutiful and responsible, but not a doting/loving, daughter (some of the reasons are illuminated in previous blog posts, for anyone interested. Suffice it to say I had my reasons). And I rejected childbearing and child rearing as experiences I did not want to have. I just knew it would not be for me.
I found a July 9, 2010 Globe and Mail column by Judith Timson titled “So you expected kids to make you happy? Get real” really interesting.
I especially found the comments on the newspaper website in response to Timson’s column absolutely fascinating. One person posted a comment that people who do not want children are simply “messed up in the head” to go against millions of years of evolution that primes us for reproduction of the species. Uh, last time I checked, most humans walk upright now and have more developed brains that they can use to make choices.
In reading Spirit Seeker’s post titled “Kegels and incontinence” and the attached article she linked, I learned the clinical term for my situation – “nulliparous” meaning women who have never had a baby. I like the neutrality of the term versus the more usual description of “childless” or worse, “barren,” with its assumptions of an inability to conceive. And don’t even think about using the phrase “child free” with its implied condemnation of the choice of those who do have children.
I remember the exact moment I knew with certainty I’d never get pregnant or be a mother. It was grade 8 at Winston Churchill Elementary School in Kingston, Ontario. In “health class” we were shown a very graphic film of a woman giving birth. I mean camera-right-between-the-knees-and-baby-crowning graphic. In the darkened classroom I turned to my best friend, Alison, and whispered “I am never doing that!” She laughed at me and responded “How can you say that? Of course you’ll have children, everyone does. Never say never – you can’t know what the future holds.” But on some deep down level, I really did know I wasn’t going to change my mind.
In my early 20′s, I got my palm read at a Psychic Fair and the palm reader got a weird, worried look on his face. He pulled out a magnifying glass and examined my hands even more closely. Assuming I was going to be upset, he very gently broke the news to me that he did not see any indication that I would ever bear children. I lit up, burst out laughing and said “Don’t worry, that’s great news!” I could tell he thought it was nuts that a young woman would not be upset to hear there were no biological children in her future.
Please don’t misunderstand – I am not anti-children. I just think it’s right for other people to have them, not me. People in my life who I love and care about have children, or are having children, and I am happy for and supportive of them.
What I am happy for and supportive of is the choice they have made that is about them and what is right for them. The “nulliparous” choice I made was about me and what was right for me. And to all those people over the years who oh-so-sanctimoniously predicted I’d regret my decision, I never have, not for one nano-second, and know I never will.
Life and the universe had a bit of fun with me after I got my tubes tied at age 30 (took a lot to convince the doc to do it – again, he assumed I would later change my mind and regret the surgery).
My first husband didn’t want kids either, but nor did he want a vasectomy, so I had the tubal ligation. A year later, he dumped me for a secretary at work and I was suddenly single. I later met my future second husband (the keeper), but had a few initial qualms about the fact he had two kids. I only moved ahead with the relationship because they lived with their mom and were pre-teen age. I would not have been able to deal with babies or toddlers – no matter how great the guy.
It would be nice if people with children could understand and not take offence that I am as delighted with my choice not to have kids, as they are with their choice.
Todo bien. (It’s all good.)
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thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
You actuallly saw a movie on childbirth in grade 8? OMG! That would of made me not to have any as well. To this day i cannot bear to watch childbirth, ever!
I think when people do not know that you do not want children, specially other women, will think “poor you were not blessed with children”, but once you let it be known that it was your decision, they will be alright w/it. I had my kid when i was 25 and thought really hard before taking that step. The ladies in my neighborhood were talking behind my back “poor L, she has been married for 6 years and no kids, she must be a machorra”. When i finally became pregnant and told everybody, they would feed me and pamper me so much that i gained so much weight. Any “food desire” was granted within a couple of days. I remember wanting to eat hot dogs, but not just any hotdog, it had to be from a street vendor in front of the Conde Nast building. My girlfriend would make the horrendous line for at least 30 mins, then when my husband came home i would send him for some since “nobody will do this for me”. So i lied. But this is to let u know that because it is expected of every woman nobody actually suspects that one will make the choice not to have children. My mother only had me and i only had one child. People even ask me why just one. I always say… ONE is enough! I believe a child is forever, even when he is 34 he is still my child. If he is in pain, so am I. If he does well, i am happy, if he does not, i am miserable. I think this will be forever and until i die. So one is good enough, i do not think i can handle 2 or 3.
Lisa, Everything is not for everybody! Not having children is a choice and I like the fact that you made up your own mind…People need to mind their own business. Some women should not have conceived….TRACK
Hi Lisa,
That has to be annoying sometimes. There was a time when I didn’t think I could have children. I married a military man when I was very young and never used contriceptives and never got PG in the 2.5 years we were married. I wanted them. Then, I met my husband and when we were getting serious and he asked me to marry him, I told him that if children were important to him, I didn’t think I could have them. He told me that if we were meant to, we would. Four children later, he was right. My ex also had children so it wasn’t meant to be. Anyway, it’s your choice and yours alone. I know many women who have made that choice. But, if I didn’t have children, then they may be correct in their accessment of my situation.
I have always wondered if they show those movies so they get the kind of reaction like yours.
My eldest sister chose to NOT have children and I’ve always applauded her decision. I have two, but realized that this dear sister was just not “Mother” material. That’s fine with me because she’s EXCELLENT “sister” material. Good for you for making the correct decision for you!!
Hi Lisa,
Your post points out that we are all unique individuals and deserve to lead our lives as we wish without being judged by others. I’m confidant that most women will respect your decision, of course there will always be the “messed up” people who are incapable of opening their minds an inch. C’est la vie!
Decisions regarding our reproductive lives are really no one else’s business. To me, it’s one of the most personal choices I’ve made in my life, to have two children-daughters. They have brought me and my husband such joy, but it certainly isn’t easy to raise kids and shouldn’t be glamorized- it’s hard work to do it well. I hope most would take this decision seriously and think about the pros and cons ahead of time instead of thinking it’s “just something women do”.
Winelover, I loved what you had to say, as well as the other women. I’m replying to you because I can’t reply using the orange Respond button – and I’m proud to follow what your response.
Lisa, I saw that movie in 9th grade. It didn’t literally horrify me, but because it followed cooking class – in the same room – and because I was sitting there eating the spaghetti I’d made, totally unaware of what I was about to see…. It definitely made me nauseous, LOL! And yes, it was a bit shocking to see at such a young age.
I was never sure if I even wanted to get married. And then when I started to have debilitating migraines at age 21 every time there was any change in the weather, I decided I wasn’t sure I should ever have children. I mean, what does a Mom do with a baby when she can’t deal with noise, movement, smells and sound?
I always figured I’d make that decision some day when and if I ever married. (Which was a big IF.) I took flak both for my stance on children of my own, as well as on never marrying unless I met someone I knew I could live with for the rest of my life. Some people can be SO amazingly judgmental about anyone with views different from theirs.
Then at age 28 I met Jim. He was newly divorced and he had 3 “children” who were 9-going-on-10, 11-going-on-12 and a daughter who’d just turned 16. I got totally into being a future step-mom. I loved it, especially the fact that they didn’t live with me. Jim had had a vasectomy after his youngest was born, and he felt it wasn’t fair to me to continue with our relationship – that he was robbing me of the experience of Motherhood – so I explained my situation to him.
First, that I’d been told I’d have a hard time ever getting pregnant and would need to take fertility drugs (this was before anyone did in vitro), to which I replied with a horrified “NO WAY!” So we were perfect for each other. I got to play at being a Mom without having babies who’d be a problem when I had migraines and couldn’t even go to work. And through his kids, I thought I’d get to have grandchildren, which had always been the one thing that had really bothered me about not having children. Except then, of course, none of my stepkids had children, so there you go. Apparently I wasn’t meant to be either a mother or a grandmother. The second one was far harder to deal with, trust me.
Whether or not a woman OR man decides to they should have children is a decision that should always be respected by others, and that respect should be both automatic and heartfelt. Just as I automatically and heartfeltedly respect the decision of any man and/or woman to have children.
But as winelover said, “There will always be the ‘messed up’ people who are incapable of opening their minds an inch. C’est la vie!” Thank you for saying something I liked so much I had to copy it, winelover! (Oops, sorry this got so long, Lisa. I apparently felt a need to tell my story that was very similar to yours.)
Hi Duffy and Winelover,
Now I’m past childbearing years, it’s not much of an issue for anyone(!) – it was more of a reflection of what I noticed and felt during the height of my potential reproductive years. I once had a finger pointed in my face and was yelled at that I obviously ”hated the human race” if I was not going to do my part in adding to the numbers! Huh?!?
Those folks who gave me grief over the years seemed to be the ones who were ambivalent about having children themselves. My decision was threatening to them – they somehow saw it as a condemnation of their choice…a choice I sensed they were not finding as rewarding as they had hoped. The people really cut out to be parents, confident in their choice and parental role, never gave me any grief.
Which brings me back to the point of Judith Timson’s newspaper column on whether or not having children makes one happy – it seems it’s critical to go into parenting realizing that it’s not the job of your children to make you happy. Being a parent is not about you, it’s about being there for someone else – someone who is only here because you decided you wanted them. I just didn’t want to have to be there in that way for someone I was responsible for bringing into the world.
I am grateful to and acknowledge all the good parents/grandparents out there, though!
Hey Duffy,
We love to read your story-that’s why I log on to VN-thanks for sharing!
Good for you to not bending to society pressure. I strongly believe if you don’t want children to not have them. There are women who have them and don’t want them. We don’t need more people in this crowded world that are not wanted. I always wanted kids and was told I’d never have any. Was married 11 years with no kids. Then I remarried and had 2. Boy was I surprised but so excited. By this time I was 36 and 38. I can’t see these women in their 40′s and beyond having kids and the energy to be a parent. I’m frickin’ tired! 55 now and both still at home. Really looking forward to the empty nest even though I’ve loved being a mom.
Hi lovemylife, I had two sets of kids, at 23 and 25 and the another two at 36 and 38. It wasn’t the energy level for me. It was a diffenence in attitude. I was more relaxed with the second set. However, the first set are overacheivers. Could have something to do with it.
Lisa, I’m not trying to hy-jack this thread and turn it into children’s corner. You know what you want and you are very successful with what you do and are comfortable with yourself. You don’t have to answer to anyone concerning your choice.
I read many posts about women who have put their children completely first and are not scurrying about playing catch-up. I know there are women who do both. I couldn’t, or wouldn’t but I admire you for your accomplishments.
It seems to me that it’s ignorance for the most part when people say things without thinking. It’s great that you don’t take offense and see it for what it is.
MG
I meant: completely first and are NOW scurrying about playing catch-up.
Have to admit — didn’t ‘decide’ to have children — when I got married (expected) I then had 4 children (expected – not the number of). You might say I was in some kind of ‘miasmic mist’ of what a young woman – 21 years old – ‘should’ do. I have loved and adored and put my self on the shelf while raising those beastly beauties and and would do it again. Just had a 40 minute conversation with the youngest (son – 46) and we laughed and joked and talked art, music, politics and friendship. And he said I was a perfect mom. Thank God for fallible memory!! A gift I had not expected or planned when I didn’t ‘decide’ to have kids.
Of course there are as many pros and cons as their are ups and downs, left and right, night and day and I am very proud and pleased with any folks (3 of my children) who decide to not have beasties – beautiful and otherwise!! Not that anyone cares about my opinion on such a superb topic. (does that sound like a Jewish mom??) Carry on and on and on.