Last Sunday, I scattered my mother’s ashes at the stretch of beach she had specified. She died earlier this year, and I was keeping the ashes until my older sister (who I refer to as “Gigi”) decided what she was comfortable with regarding timing and her participation in scattering the ashes.
As readers may know from other blog posts, my sister and I are seriously and permanently estranged due to our differences over our mother’s final months (managing her illness and finances, and related disagreements and hurts, led us to mutually tear our relationship apart).
Personally, I would have been fine scattering the ashes immediately after the cremation, but Gigi wasn’t ready. She didn’t know if she could be present (she has a sick, elderly husband), or if she even wanted to be present.
Because of the state of our relationship, and the fact Gigi had been so distant and uninvolved in the years leading up to this point, I told her I’d be fine if she decided she wanted to take care of final act on her own somewhere in the future. I would give her the ashes and the rest would be up to her. I didn’t have to be there (frankly, I felt I had been there throughout our mother’s life).
I put the ashes away on a shelf in a closet and waited. A few months passed. Gigi eventually e-mailed me that she’d decided she was not coming west any time soon, nor did she want to take over this responsibility; she said I should just go ahead and take care of scattering the ashes sometime this summer. I told her I would. And I let her know the date and time I would be doing it so she could observe the moment however she chose.
The chosen beach is where my mother hung out in her beautiful, glorious youth; she and my father conducted a lot of their courtship there. It is the beach where I learned how to swim, on a family vacation in 1962. It’s the beach where Gigi crossed paths with a huge Dungeness crab while wading, and screamed her head off - while our maternal grandmother waded out to her, caught the crab with her bare hands, and cooked him for dinner. This beach is where my father’s ashes were scattered. Now my mother has joined him.
You can’t scatter the ashes of the generation before you without a keen awareness that you are next up. The knowledge that our lifetimes are incredibly finite and quickly fleeting presses in. One moment I was three years old and learning to swim in that ocean. In what seems like the blink of an eye, I am 51 and scattering my mother’s ashes into that same surf. One more eye blink and I will be within range of being dust myself.
I think my job in life right now is to figure out what I want to be, what I want to do, what I want to have, before I become dust. I am not talking about a “bucket list” so much as figuring out a path to the crematorium that is not paved in regrets.
Todo bien. (It’s all good.)
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“I think my job in life right now is to figure out what I want to be, what I want to do, what I want to have, before I become dust. I am not talking about a “bucket list” so much as figuring out a path to the crematorium that is not paved in regrets.”
I can relate to your last line (quoted above) Thank-you!
Hi Debi – it’s an important job to figure out…I’ll breathe my last most comfortably if it’s with as few regrets as possible.
Lisa, Thank you for your beautiful post, I have read some of your others about your difficulties with your Mom and your sister. Despite all of it, you handled this sad situation perfectly and in a manner which respected your parents and sister, too. I have been noting among my friends recently that those of us who have already lost both of our parents often find that transition a catalyst to change, sometimes in a very profound sense. This appears to be true no matter how the adult child felt about his or her parents. I think you are right that the increasing awareness of one’s own mortality is behind this phenomenon; when both parents are dead, a person would have to be in profound denial to not accept the fact that they’re next in line. So, what can we learn, and how will we use our time? You seem well on your way to figuring it out. Wishing you as few regrets as possible in this life!
Hi Buddy,
You’ve captured it – I am indeed in a transition and feeling catalyzed (is that a word?!) to change. Good to know I am likely in the same head-space as anyone who has lost their parents, regardless of how they felt about them.
All the things I’ve been doing (settling the estate, cleaning out her condo, scattering her ashes etc.) have been done with a mind to the plain fact that, someday, someone will be doing all of this for me. All I really know right now is I do not want to be a burden.
Lisa, this is so beautifully stated….and you have given me pause to think, because as a rule, I usually rush headlong into everyday, coping and managing and working and it is not really on any particular path….for me it is about getting beyond merely survival….thanks for the thought provoking post.
Sunblossom,
That’s what I want to do too, get beyond mere day-to-day survival and coping. Meaningful thriving needs to prevail over coping/surviving.
Well, perhaps if all these wise and wonderful VN ladies put our heads together we can come up with a blueprint for that kind of thriving…
That was a lovely post and tribute to your mom. She must have been so proud of you. Perhaps your sister and you could mend your relationship….i hope so……my sister and I are best friends….that bond is pretty amazing.
I will be 64 on September 29th; I cannot beieve it, BUT
I have managed to thrive. After joining the army at 18, to escape abuse and poverty, fatherless, molested…….36 years with abusive “husband” and abuse from a church (voted out of membership)……I am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group, written my memoir and my poetry book, Sanctuary of the Soul, won a women’s scholarship, because of what I have overcome in my life, in school; a freshman (woman, LOL) at age 63, been on the radio 2 times talking about my passion; getting the message out there regarding abuse of women; verbal abuse, my expertise, joined the American Counseling Association and take money out of my retirement every year to go to the Convention, dancer, singer, etc., etc……..
Born standin; up and talkin’ back……..the moment I am most in the “flow”….when i am dancing; ballet my first love, and I perform at the University.
I plan to be 90-100………..good genes…..a friend of mine told me I was “bold” and had “steel b*lls……..gee, guess i rambledon abut MYself, eh?! LOL
I don’t have any regrets so far.
Love and hugs to you….how wonderful to have those kinds of memories; I do not but am making them for my children and grandchildren……..I am the mother I always wanted to have.
I think that’s the most fabulous parenting guideline – to be the parent you always wanted to have! Brilliant!!
I agree with Lisa…that’s exactly the kind of mother I want to be. I think I have been.
Lisa & Sunblossom–I love your last post with your scattering of your mom’s ashes. I can relate & love your writing. I think when our children leave the roost/when we tend & care for our dying parents we truly look at the mortality of life & our own true meaning of being here. I think we go deeper within ourselves & assess so many things.
After parenting our children & caregiving our parents, I wondered what now was my purpose for being here. I have just finished reading “The Rhythm of Life–Living Every Day with Passion & Purpose by Matthew Kelly–think you ladies should pick up a copy or get from the library.
This answers the questions I have been posing to myself for these last few years. Life is a process of self-revelation & Matthew points out the meaning & purpose of life is that we are to become the best version of ourselves–that alone is enough to sustain us in happiness.
He states that embracing this one solitary truth will change your life more than anything you have every learned. Everything is a choice–it is life’s greatest truth & the hardest lesson. It reminds us of our power. Not power over others, but the power to be ourselves & to live the life we have imagined or dreamed. It causes us to realize the we have chosen the life we are living right now & we can make choices. He explains that the measure of your life will be the measure of your courage. That courage will animate us, bring us to life, and make everything else possible. Fear stops us from doing something with our lives more than lack of ability, contacts, resources or any other single variable. Fear paralyzes the human spirit & he points out that living a full purposeful life takes courage.
I have been guilty of being busy with worrying about the future & forgetting to live & remember my dreams. The pursuit of the dream is life & it fills us with hope, passion & enthusiasm.
I agree – we do need a blueprint for that kind of meaningful thriving. I am generally a happy person but this weekend (thanksgiving in Canada) was the one year anniversary of my husband’s death. My son and grandson and I decided to get a place together (he has sole custody) to help him out to raise my grandson, however, while unpacking and creating a space for my creative endeavours, my mind was wandering wondering what it was all about. I am 58 years old and I feel like I am still in the day-to-day survival and coping and I would much prefer to jump over to the meaningful thriving stage. How do we get there???
Lisa, I agree with Debi. Thanks for a great blog. I can relate to and LOVE your last line!! Thanks for giving me a push to find my path, to reinvent myself. I want to know (on my way to the crematorium) that I made a difference in retirement and had fun along the way!
That’s the magic combo isn’t it? Making a difference + fun = a good life.
Hi Lisa,
I agree with Debi, the entire post is lovely, but the line that she quotes is one to to live by!
Lisa, I was very close to your age when I finally figured out what my real work was. Maybe there’s something programmed in our genes….maybe 50 years is the age when women realign their creativity and sense of purpose. I’m always amazed at how similarly programmed we all are, to hit certain developmental milestones at approximately the same age. Not only in childhood, but seemingly throughout our lives.
You are a good writer….because….you are a good thinker!
MM – your words resonate and ring true for me. I definitely feel a pull to realigning my creativity and sense of purpose, and it’s different from past pulls.
Thinkin’ and writin’ full time…sounds like “real work” I’d like to dive into! Thanks for the kind, supportive words.
Maybe I’m stepping where I shouldn’t, or maybe I know absolutely nothing in comparison- but what about slowing down long enough to just be who we are, continuing to develop the strength and depth of ourselves. Isn’t that enough. Isn’t that the whole idea about spirituality, being enough? For me, having a purpose is significant, giving me a focus and something to keep me busy, but then there is a richness, too, to slowing down and just fully experiencing the day…from within and without. I get to feel the change in weather, walk the dog, and even take joy in cleaning my daughter’s pigsty of a room-something I have wanted to do like this for many years. Something that seemed like a ‘task’ became a joy. It was easy.
Gosh, I don’t know, Lisa, you seem incredibly thoughtful and nice already. Seems to me you’re pretty fabulous the way you are right now.
Cindy, you know lots and feel free to step right on in!! Slowing down and just being, those are worthwhile pursuits and it is enough to just be who we are.
I guess my ongoing quest is about the outward expression of that beingness, to explore the depths and the strengths (as well as the shallows and the weaknesses!).
And wow, thanks for your kinds words about how you think I show up on VN. It means a lot.
When I think of the scattering of ashes I am reminded of Frank Sinatra’s “I did it my way”. The ashes are merely the remnants of a disfunctioning body. The soul is where it needs to be. Love and light go with you on your path of living fully til it is time to scatter your ashes.
God bless, J
Spiritalk you are so right that “the ashes are merely the remnants of a disfunctioning body”…I let my Mom’s ashes go to the Pacific Ocean where we live…this was less than 2 years ago…she was 82 and almost crippled with arthritis in her hands, and an autoimmune disease..I miss her so much but I know her soul is where it needs to be…everytime I go to the ocean I feel a sense of peace knowing she is at peace…
Lisa enjoyed the post…. beautifully written and makes one think about the day we shall all return to the dust…that is this outer garment of transportation…My you an our sister become Friends …but if not I believe yo have handled things quite well, and that is all we can do in this life is handle what we can and leave the rest up to the “Universe” to handle. It is a good feeling when you know you have done our best throughout your mother’s life..
That is the sweetest reward that let you sleep at night.
Lisa, very good post. I hope we can all find the path of no regrets or at least the one with very few
“I think my job in life right now is to figure out what I want to be, what I want to do, what I want to have, before I become dust. I am not talking about a “bucket list” so much as figuring out a path to the crematorium that is not paved in regrets.”
I got up early this morning because regrets and “what ifs” were keeping me awake. What a pleasure to find this. My gratitude list is longer than my list of regrets, but sometimes the regrets are much louder.
Lisa, I am sorry you are estranged from your sister. Such a complex issue. There are ways through thorny sister relationships.
Lynn
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Author of You Want Me to Do WHAT? Journaling for Caregivers