I’ve done the last thing I will ever officially need to do for my mother. Yesterday, on a quiet, calm, sunny Sunday morning, I scattered her ashes at the beach location she had specified.
The tide was low, so I walked quite far out on the firm, grey sand to reach the pebbly tidal pools where I could release her ashes onto some rippling waters.
I mentally said “The Lord’s Prayer” as I carefully shook her ashen remains back into nature. I lingered momentarily over the “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” part. I haven’t forgiven her trespasses, and don’t think I ever completely will. I certainly won’t ever forget them.
What was comforting about this final act was the full realization there can be no new trespasses. And I can deal with the memories of by-gone trespasses.
My mother wasn’t the only one spiritually “released” on that beach yesterday.
Todo bien. (It’s all good.)
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I hope that this give both you and your mother peace. It sounds as though it might…
Thanks pinkim. The weather and seas turned very stormy today, and I find myself wondering if Mom is stirring things up, like I released a genie from a bottle!
Interesting thought, isn’t !
Hi Lisa,
Well, in a way it’s over and I’m sure there is a feeling of relief. No more “Mom” to make you feel bad about yourself! It shouldn’t be that way…so sad.
My sister just passed away (we weren’t overly close) and her daughter, my niece, had struggled for years to get her attention, her love. After the funeral, she told me that she felt like a weight had been lifted off of her chest! She said, “I just don’t have to deal with her, anymore!” She will always carry sadness with her, but the hurtful interaction is over. May they both rest in peace.
Hi Evie,
I understand what your niece was expressing – thanks for sharing that.
May those of us with troubled family relationships all find peace.
I am over all of my family…it is in the past and “now” life is good!
I just tell my mind to “Hush” when it wants to ‘go there’. It’s actually pretty easy!
Nine years ago, the night before my brother died and before he slipped into a coma, he told the nurse “I wish I was on a beach in Aruba.” And so I took his ashes there. I am still comforted that I did that. Wishing you peace and love, Lisa.
Namaste, that is such a nice story. To be able to honour someone’s last wish, to lay them to rest in a place they felt represented paradise and freedom from care…how kind. I definitely want my ashes to be scattered on a beach – just not sure which one! I’m leaning towards Mexico though – warmer waters!
I’ve been trying to find a “piggy-back” place to sneak in here where I could reply to YOU, Lisa – but there weren’t any last night. I just wanted to say I’m glad you finally have a feeling of release, peace and closure. I was really pleased to see this yesterday, I just couldn’t respond to you at the time. Much love, Duffy
Hi Duffy,
Thanks – it felt good to “leave things at the beach” so to speak. She’s free, and so am I. Love and hugs back!
Lisa…Your Mother did one thing right….She brought you into the world! You touch many lives in a loving, positive way! I hope that the future brings you only joy and happiness!
Hi Debi,
Thanks for your kind words and thoughtfulness, especially considering everything you are having to deal with these days. I hope things work out for you.
Hi Lisa,
When my husbands estranged father died it was a relief. He was a nasty man, very definitely a sociopath. His actions were impossible to understand, that was “our” biggest problem, trying to understand “why he was like this.” We never could, I think we could become obsessed with trying to figure it out. Now we can forget, I don’t feel like I’ll run into him, or see his vehicle. Our speculation on his motives was making us sick, we should have given it up way before he died.
PS, I have a sister in Victoria.
Hi Dillin257,
I’m still at risk sometimes of obssessing and trying to figure out why she had to be the way she was with her family (she was mch better, at least superficially, with other people). It’s good to know you and your husband have successfully put your estranged family member out of your minds. And I agree, speculation can make us sick.
Hi Lisa,
I paid good money to learn & understand that sometimes things are what they are & it’s not up to us to fix it, question it or even try to figure it out. Peace is only one thought away.
I believe you gave your mother the greatest gift you could ever give. I hope my children will see my final wishes through. I’m glad you feel good about this lovely event. God Bless.
Hi sugisme,
I think I feel more calm than “good”…less angry overall, which is indeed good!
It was the right thing to do to respectfully fulfill her wishes. Like you, it also made me wonder who will eventually see my final wishes through. Time goes by faster than we like to think…the beach where I scattered my mother’s ashes is one where we took some family beach-cabin vacations in the early 1960s. I learned to swim in those very waters when I was 3 years old.
Seems like I blinked and poof, there I am, 51 years old and emptying my mother’s urn on that same beach. One more “blink” of time and it will be my turn to be dust.
Hi Sugisme,
Both you and Lisa remind me of my mother and what I have learned this past year thru reading and listening about Buddhism. Like Lisa, I don’t have a pretty relationship nor good memories with my mother. There are things that happen that we can’t fix it. Knowing nothing on this earth is permanent helps.
Funny, because I was just talking to my husband about the same thing yesterday when we walked the dog…what to do with my mother’s ashes. She’s been dead over a year and they are still in a box in my sister’s house. The quandary is, shall we take them back to Sugar Tree (West Tennessee,) where she said she wants to go, or put her ashes next to Daddy, in the plot next to his, which they bought together? That would be in East Tennessee, about three hundred miles from Sugar Tree. I asked my husband if he thought it was wrong to divide a person’s ashes…..half going one place, and the other half somewhere else. I don’t like to think of Daddy being alone out on the hillside. But mother wanted to go back to Sugar Tree. This is so hard. Anyway, I’m glad you have been able to close a chapter in your life. MM
Hi MM,
I personally think it’s okay to divide ashes. In fact, my mother had been keeping a small portion of her beloved brother’s ashes to be spread along with hers. It had been very kind of my cousins to fulfill her request for a small keepsake portion to release along with her ashes when the time came. So, I actually scattered two sets of ashes at a place that had a lot of memories and meaning to these two siblings. She also joined my father, as his ashes were scattered at the same beach a few years ago. But that’s another story.
To this day I have no idea were my mothers ashes are. My brother has sent a photo of her grave marker which I helped pay for and has my name on it, with the other siblings names. But if I ever ask to visit (he inherited the house in a very very small village) there is always some reason why I can’t go there. It’s been 10 years.
As Evie says: I’m so over it.
May peace and blessings come your way.
Well I take my hat off to you, NanaC for being able to get over/get past something so horrendous. Your brother’s behaviour is mysteriously atrocious. Much peace and many blessings to you, too.
I just saw this Lisa and wish you peace and happiness.
Hi Winelover – thank you.
And, on a completely different topic (Puerto Vallarta) did you see that the southbound bridge over the Ameca River (the bridge that straddles the states of Jalisco and Nayarit, north of PV) collapsed? Apparently all traffic has to go over the remaining northbound bridge, so it’s one lane each way now, and it takes over 1.5 hours to get across the traffic is so bad. Not supposed to be fixed and back in operation until March 2011!
Oh, no I hadn’t heard-bummer, and things don’t get fixed quickly in laid back Mexico! We were talking about a trip down in October or November, but maybe not-I’ll have to look into it. When do you go down for winter?
Thanks for the alert, Lisa. Hasta luego.
Lisa, I’m sorry you had such a tough time with your Mom. You said the Lord’s Prayer and released her ashes. My favorite prayer is the Serenity Prayer. One of my sisters gave me this version:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot Change,
the Courage to Change the one I can,
and the Wisdom to know that one is me.
Lisa, from everything I can see you took care of your Mom and for that you should feel good. You couldn’t change her. The only person we are truly responsible for is ourselves. This is your time. She can’t ‘trespass’ against you anymore. Enjoy your life and do what matters to you! (and don’t forget to keep blogging and posting on VN-you brighten up my days and give me lots to think about!)
Thanks so much Azul! That is a great version of the Serenity Prayer – thanks for sharing it. Writing matters to me, a lot, so for sure I will continue to do that. I don’t think I could stop if I wan ted to – it’s something of a compulsion! And to hear it brightens up someone’s day means everything. That’s a path I want to follow.