He was a little too much of everything I didn’t want or need in my life and yet I found myself flooded with love every time I was around him. I’m talking about love now, not lust. I do know the difference. The first couple of times it happened I chalked it up to a round of steroids I was taking for a sinus infection. They filled me with such euphoric good will for everyone that I had to stop myself from declaring my undying love to the mail carrier. My friends thought I was a nut. I thought I was in the middle of a spiritual transformation. No, just steroids. Two months later my sinus infection was a thing of the past. The feelings were still there though and they were not feelings I wanted to act on for a whole slew of reasons and no small amount of common sense. Let’s face it, if we all acted on every feeling we have half of us would be in jail and the other half would be hanging from the rafters and dancing in the streets.
It’s awfully easy to justify doing whatever crazy assed thing you are inclined to do if it’s accompanied by a strong emotion, particularly one that seems to have dead bolted itself onto your heart. I want my life to be passionate, but I’ve pretty much done crazy assed to death, thank you very much. When time and cold showers didn’t help I decided to walk the labyrinth up the street for some guidance, so I could quite tripping over my tangled up heart strings. On the walk out I heard, “You do not see him.” That was more than enough right there. I was instantly more centered and peaceful. I don’t know what I do not see about this man and don’t need to. Problem solved as far as I was concerned and it helped that a dream that night clarified that understanding. I wasn’t done yet though.
The phrase stayed in my mind. It haunted my week. If I didn’t see him, why and what did I see instead? What illusion had I created for myself? Who else do I not see? (I’m thinking it might be everyone, to be perfectly honest.) I think I’m pretty open minded and fairly insightful about people, but this week really made me question that. I took a long hard look at how I see people and it wasn’t pretty. The worst part is that I know better, at least I thought I did.
One of my greatest heartbreaks came about when I realized that I was an accessory in someone’s life. Who I was didn’t matter one bit. He didn’t see me. I was another something in his life that he could take or leave. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve done the same thing. I used someone to scratch an itch with little if any regard for what they wanted or needed. They were an object in my life, a what instead of a who. No one deserves to be treated like that. The kicker is that I sometimes I called it love when it was anything but. Ask me how those relationships worked out.
I don’t think I’m the only person on the planet who sees people as objects of fear and desire instead of fellow souls participating in the wilderness experience of being human. I know I’m not, that’s small comfort though. I don’t want to treat people like an obstacle, or worse a path to salvation. I don’t want anyone to be a what in my life instead of a who. “You do not see him.” I want to see people the same way I want to be seen, for who they instead of who I want them to be or am afraid they are. It’s all an illusion. People, all people deserve to be a who in our lives and that who is always a child of God having a human experience just like me and you. We have a body. We are spirits, all of us, even drummers. Because let’s face it, it’s either fear or love, baby.