I was diggin’ myself and lovin’ my life. Things were going really, really well. I received a glowing observation from my boss, I had a new red dress to wear and a fun evening planned. Then I walked into meeting and was verbally bitch slapped. The how and why doesn’t matter. It never does. What does matter is my reaction, it left me reeling. After becoming thoroughly pissed off and hurt I did what we all do, I vented, I blamed, I judged, and lo and behold, I didn’t feel any better. I felt worse.
Imagine that, being negative didn’t help. I finally just shut up for half a second and heard myself say, “I don’t want to feel like this.” A Course in Miracles says, “I am determined to see this situation differently.” I wanted to see things differently if only because if I continued foaming at the mouth like a woman possessed I was bound to do something someone would regret, probably me. And as a friend of mine likes to remind me, I wouldn’t look good in an orange jump suit. I prayed that I might see what happened through the eyes of Christ and opened myself up to Divine intervention and healing.
When I got home I changed clothes then picked up Marianne Williamson’s The Gift of Change for something to read while my tea brewed. I opened it randomly and read, “Other people can think what they want about you. It’s only when you agree with them that you are bothered.” Ding, ding, just like that I was flooded with the calm knowledge that on some level I thought I deserved what she said because I believed it was true. And I knew why….a childhood hurt that I had carried into now. Just like that my snark was gone, carried away to where ever snarks go when they aren’t stirring up crap.
I know that you get what you give. What if it’s also true that you get what you unconsciously believe you deserve, then what? I wonder if bits and pieces of the past don’t haunt our lives to make themselves known so we can love them and let them go. I think that when we rub up against another person and get hurt it’s a reminder of where we are wounded, not necessarily where they are. I’m not letting anyone off the hook here. That woman was and is a first class bitch. I can’t do a dang thing about her though, or anyone else for that matter. Her inner life is not my business. Mine, however is. And that’s good news because when we can ask what’s going on with me instead of attacking the other person and defending ourselves we take back our power. Then real and lasting change is possible where it can do the most good, inside our own hearts and minds. It’s either fear or love, baby.