I was diggin’ myself and lovin’ my life. Things were going really, really well. I received a glowing observation from my boss, I had a new red dress to wear and a fun evening planned. Then I walked into meeting and was verbally bitch slapped. The how and why doesn’t matter. It never does. What does matter is my reaction, it left me reeling. After becoming thoroughly pissed off and hurt I did what we all do, I vented, I blamed, I judged, and lo and behold, I didn’t feel any better. I felt worse.
Imagine that, being negative didn’t help. I finally just shut up for half a second and heard myself say, “I don’t want to feel like this.” A Course in Miracles says, “I am determined to see this situation differently.” I wanted to see things differently if only because if I continued foaming at the mouth like a woman possessed I was bound to do something someone would regret, probably me. And as a friend of mine likes to remind me, I wouldn’t look good in an orange jump suit. I prayed that I might see what happened through the eyes of Christ and opened myself up to Divine intervention and healing.
When I got home I changed clothes then picked up Marianne Williamson’s The Gift of Change for something to read while my tea brewed. I opened it randomly and read, “Other people can think what they want about you. It’s only when you agree with them that you are bothered.” Ding, ding, just like that I was flooded with the calm knowledge that on some level I thought I deserved what she said because I believed it was true. And I knew why….a childhood hurt that I had carried into now. Just like that my snark was gone, carried away to where ever snarks go when they aren’t stirring up crap.
I know that you get what you give. What if it’s also true that you get what you unconsciously believe you deserve, then what? I wonder if bits and pieces of the past don’t haunt our lives to make themselves known so we can love them and let them go. I think that when we rub up against another person and get hurt it’s a reminder of where we are wounded, not necessarily where they are. I’m not letting anyone off the hook here. That woman was and is a first class bitch. I can’t do a dang thing about her though, or anyone else for that matter. Her inner life is not my business. Mine, however is. And that’s good news because when we can ask what’s going on with me instead of attacking the other person and defending ourselves we take back our power. Then real and lasting change is possible where it can do the most good, inside our own hearts and minds. It’s either fear or love, baby.
Please listen to the advice I am going to give, and I am sure that other women here will give you the same advice.
GET OUT of this marriage. Go back to your parents, and file for a divorce. Do not tell him in advance. Make a plan with your paren
Love is all around. Some people don't know how to quietly receive it and only feel significant if they are stirring up/ agitating the atmosphere around them. I guess to them that is "making an impact"". No matter how much "love" you send them, nothin
Get over it.
Thank you. I need to print this out and I will.
~ Marian
You’re kind, thanks. I’m getting a spiritual workout right now, it’s a good thing, but it’s keeping me busy.
not sure what was said to you but you are now aware of this woman and the slap back could be …..thank you for your comment it is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, thank you. . it stops them in their tracks and they know you have won by just being decent to their remarks…. as you did not bite but gave as good as you got and showed them what a spiteful person they are… this works if the slap was in public…because it only shows her up for being nasty. do not dwell on the comment move on as the better person always holds her head high and never lowers herself to use this sort of treatment on anyone else and you will get your moment. i am sure it will not happen again if this is used. i have used this myself and it worked. she never ever said another word to me in this way and remains polite.
I had a similar thing happen. I did what you did. There’s a awful, terrible, book,”Radical Forgiveness”, that I go to when things like that happen. It’s awful because it walks me down a path toward forgiveness by helping see and admit my part. It keeps me from being a victim… although during those times, I like to think I may be.
Thanks for your incite!
Granny Beth
I just hate bitches. I say that aloud with a bitchy snare!
The best advice I ever got was on this site, “If it’s not a question it doesn’t need an answer. The person who stays silent has all the power.”t This particular woman uses any thing you say as an excuse to keep being a bitch. I think that venting is a good thing up until it stops doing any good. I have an arrangement with a woman I work with where we call a three minute vent session. We vent loud and hard for 3 minutes and then usually laugh.
The insight about why it bothers me and where it came from was mattered most. I’m sick to death of letting people steal my joy when they are not the source of it to begin with.
it almost seems to me that this is bullying. it can be stressful on the mind. you are always waiting for the next round of ear bashing.
do not be her victim. can you confront her or not? i think it will just carry on if a solution is not found. can you ask her why she is being this way to you? can you ask her what the problem is? it is uncomfortable for you and very unpleasant…..do you not have a manager as a third party to help you with this or is she the manager? it may be she has done this before and that you are not the first to have a problem….it needs to be addressed. can you go on like you are? personal attacks are very hard to deal with if it is on a daily basis. can you step back and work out where it started and i would keep a diary of events as it is not a one off by the sounds of it. you take care and what ever you say, be careful. thinking of you big hug don’t let the bitch get you down!
It was not about her. It was about me, it’s always about me and my reaction. In this instance it was a wonderful opportunity for insight and growth. Who she is and how she acts takes nothing from me. When I sit in that calm space then the right action will present itself. The right action may well consist of talking to her or talking to my boss. I have done those things before. However, they are much more powerful when done from a position of inner peace which takes into account her own inner turmoil. She would not act the way she does if she were not suffering. That is not to make excuses for her or to justify it, simply to create space for compassion. Other wise I will just add to the chaos and pain. I have made a firm promise to myself to not create any more pain for myself or anyone else. It’s a big promise that I fail at more than I succeed, but it is a path I’m committed to.
I wonder if bits and pieces of the past don’t haunt our lives to make themselves known so we can love them and let them go.
I think you’ve nailed it with this comment. I believe that God wants us whole and healed of past hurts, wrong beliefs and unproductive attitudes. In his immense kindness, he brings these things to our attention, “Okay, let’s work on this one now.” Then something happens and it’s in your face and you have to deal with it. If you don’t, it will probably just keep coming up.
When we turn to God for help, we can clear out those hindrances.
The deal with forgiveness is that we feel we are owed something different; something better than what has happened. If I believe that I don’t deserve to be treated unkindly, I believe that I am owed better. When it doesn’t happen, or I’m treated unfairly, I can forgive the debt I feel I am owed or I can choose not to. If I choose not to then I continue to carry the debt. If I let it go and forgive, I am saying, “You no longer owe me. You’re off the hook for your bad debt to me.” Learning this changed my whole perspective on forgiveness.
Jesus doesn’t forgive us. He forgives our sins, our debts. We are off the hook for what we cannot pay because he paid it for us. Beautiful beyond words is the freedom offered.
I completely agree. God wants us to be whole and healthy and the world needs us to be whole and healthy. It is never too late to be great and it starts with us. I love your explanation of forgiveness. “You no longer owe me. You are off the hook. ” Unforgiveness is toxic and holds us hostage to the past. It’s something that I work on constantly.
The face that hurt us could be any face. the hurt is ours to source. Who is she/he reminiscent of? When was I in this circumstances before? How many times have I blamed “the other” when the issue is mine to mine for gold.
There is often one “type” who seems to set us off each time. Funny how the faces change and the issue is always the same. That is, some deep down hurt we have not reconciled.
Nicely put. One way of liberating yourself from the past is to recognize what your hot buttons are and dealing with them instead of the other person. You put it perfectly, the face changes, but the issue is always the same. The common denominator is me.
Couldn’t agree more, oh wise women of VN. Really needed to hear this! Thanks.
Watermusic, good on ya, baby! Your spiritual path is getting wider and wider all the time. God must be enjoying you very much, as I am!
What a nice thing to read, thank you. I’m just being me, the best and most genuine way I know how to be.
Ruth Gendler describes Forgiveness this way:
Forgiveness is a strong woman, tender and earthy and direct. Since her children have left home she has embarked on an extended walking tour visiting ruins and old monuments, bathing in rivers and hot springs, trveling through the small towns and large pulsing cities, tracing the current of sorrow under the stories she hears. Sometimes the city authorities and officials don’t want her within their gates if the people want her there enough, she alwasys manages to find a way inside.
Forgiveness brings gifts wherever she goes. Simple ones, a three-stranded twig with leaves turning yellow, a belt she wove on the inkle loom, a little song that grows inside you and changes everything. She brought me a silver ring from the South with a pale stone, pink with a hint of brown. When I had asthma, she taught me how to breathe.
Forgiveness is a big topic. As I write this I am angry at someone, someone who is passive aggresive. The solution that presents itself, after reading what you wrote, is radical forgiveness. She’s off the hook, she owes me nothing.
There is something, an awareness that is tugging at me, that I almost get that will allow me to be more compassionate and that leads to instant forgiveness. I’ll let you know how it goes. For now, thank you. This came at the perfect time for me. At the very least you kept me out of an orange jumpsuit.
Again, I do not think it has anything to do with you. I think that “your face could be any face” this is THEIR method of coping and it happened to happen to you this time. On the other hand you dealt your hand with the best information you had at that same time. Different day (for you) and, likely now, different outcome. You did what you knew how to do and so did the other person. Key is getting yourself off autopilot, ’cause you are the only one with the power to do that.
You are wonderful, smart, thought-full and wise, and sometimes the most appropriate answer arrives a day late. For those on autopilot it may take days, weeks, years, …. And that is what makes you really special. You are teach-able, the very best trait to have.
I promise this is my last post referencing Ruth Gendler. Ruth put a new perspective on Anger for me. Something I always seem to have at the ready.
Anger sharpens kitchen knives at the local supermarket on the last Wednesday of the month. His face is scarred from adolescent battles. He has never been very popular. His reputation as a fighter dates back to seventh grade. Children never understand how Anger arrives at the house just in time for dinner. We never hear him ring the bell. All of a sudden he is there. As soon as my son hears his footsteps he is running for shelter underneath the twin bed in the guest room.
Anger is trying to gain Truth’s friendship and respect. Anger is a meticulous reporter. He is accurate about details and insists on the facts. He never lies, but he rarely understands anyone else’s point of view. It is true that sharp knives work better than dull knives they are also safer. A cut from a dull knife takes a long time to heal. However, if you have a not used a sharp blade for a while it is easy to hurt yourself. If you must ask Anger to sharpen your bread knife, be careful how you handle it. He is not the only knife sharpener in town anymore.
Is this Ruth Gendler?
Darcy, thanks for the kind words. You’re spot on. The key is getting off auto pilot. Honestly, there’s something trying to come through to me and I hope I have some quality time with myself this weekend to see what that might be.
Thank you both very much for the support. I appreciate it.