Last week I went out to dinner with some friends to celebrate the beginning of summer. What should have been an enjoyable evening wasn’t. I spent too much money on too much food that I didn’t want and didn’t need. The worst was that I didn’t enjoy any of it very much. It made me sick, literally.
Wallowing in misery led me to thinking about why I do what I do, not just with my time and who I spend it with, but with money and food. Why do I find saying no to myself so difficult? I have a camping closet filled with stuff I use regularly and stuff that is just stuff and don’t even get me started on shoes. I danced around with why unsuccessfully and finally decided that I didn’t really care why. I just wanted to create a different experience for myself. Now, there’s a powerful motive for you.
The next morning I felt better. After a healthy breakfast I got dressed then went out to the mess I call a backyard and pulled up ivy, hauled dead wood, and cleared out brush. It’s become a ridiculously therapeutic project that I look forward to several times a week. After getting hot and satisfyingly dirty for several hours I had a cup of tea and took a shower. While I was in the shower it hit me, saying no is an act of love. That no is a yes in disguise. It’s a yes to something better.
I was instantly aware of how many times I surrendered to a desire that stemmed from fear that I’m not enough as I am, with what I have. You know what I’m talking about. I pay for fly fishing gear to declare that I am adventuresome. I pay for a new pair of high heels that I wear once or twice to prove that I’m still youthful and stylish. I pick up the tab for dinner to show off my generosity. That’s just nuts. I am enough as I am and so are you. We don’t need to prove it anymore.
People talk about loving yourself all the time. Apparently I’m a late bloomer because I’m just beginning to understand what that means. It does not mean buying another pair of stilettos that you can’t really afford and don’t need or ‘treating’ yourself to a date with Ben and Jerry. Loving yourself means saying no sometimes. No is a compete sentence. I got that much. A loving no is empowering. It stops you from bouncing back and forth from one desire to the next like an out of whack pinball machine. And that’s important because it really is either fear or love, baby. What are you saying yes to?
Love is all around. Some people don't know how to quietly receive it and only feel significant if they are stirring up/ agitating the atmosphere around them. I guess to them that is "making an impact"". No matter how much "love" you send them, nothin
Get over it.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I logged on this morning and found your blog. This is exactly the situation I have been dealing with since I woke up this morning. I went out yesterday just to take myself out for the day with only 4 things on my shopping list and came back 6 hrs later broke. Half the stuff I bought was for the exact reason you came up with: just to have the experience and say yes to myself. I made myself roll out of a comfy bed first thing and go walk the track at the school behind my house until I had walked off the anger with myself and then forgave myself. I did’t need all that stuff (except for the 4 things on the list) because as you said, I am enough. Thanks for letting me know it’s not just me.
Absolutely…I vowed a few months ago to say “yes” to more things, and I have. But I think it’s perfectly okay to saying “yes” to saying “no”… Great post! Thank you. And I still haven’t gotten everything cleaned out on my property since th tornadoes of April 27, 2011.
Thanks, guys or in Vicky’s case ya’ll
. My weakness this summer is the grocery store and ice cream. I have discovered that the best way to go shopping is to go without money and that means not carrying any. I’ve been looking for cushions for a bench I had built on my deck. When I went to Target I left my purse in my truck. It was the first time ever that I left with nothing. As for the grocery store, it’s easy to spend money on food especially when I’m feeding someone else and I like to cook.
WM — I’m trying to think twice about finding myself somewhere I don’t want to be just because, in your words, I don’t feel I’m as good as I am.
I have a well-to-do friend who sometimes invites me to an event for which she has an extra ticket. It’s usually last minute, when she can’t find anyone else to go with her. She’s very intimidating and very insistent and I used to drag myself to these events for the same reasons you’ve outlined here (What an absolutely terrific right-on-the-money post this is).
Last month she called and invited me to accompany her to a posh affair. I found I had reached my limit of her unwanted invitations and I politely refused. She was astonished. She cajoled, insisted, whined. I declined once more. It was unbelievably liberating.
As for going to stores without money, what a concept! I love it!
Sienna, a strong, confident no is powerful. The thing about people like that is that they believe they are doing you a favor and don’t get what you don’t want to be swept along in their plans. It’s too easy to treat people like objects in our lives instead of subjects in their own. I know for sure that I’ve been guilty of that. No one wants to be an accessory in someone else’s life.
I believe this woman is unable to spend time alone and will strive until she has bludgeoned someone with whatever language it takes to force his/her participation. It’s quite sad IMHO, but I am over being so sympathetic that I will go where I don’t want to go with someone I don’t want to be with.
I have to thank you for “no one wants to be an accessory in someone else’s life.” That phrase gives me the strength to be assertive about my refusals.
I read a great article about motives by Martha Beck. There are times when you agree to do things you would rather not because that’s what friends do, the key is being honest with yourself. I lost my best friend a few years ago and the truth was this, I was an accessory in her life. Everything was on her terms and I let it happen because….well, there was always a reason. Honestly I was a doormat and I paid a high price for it. She, like your friend was incapable of being alone and because she was a stay at home mom our friendship revolved around her and her family. And like your friend she sincerely thought she was doing me a favor. The worst was that I felt the same way. I have a little more value for myself these days.
Lately I have been very lonely for a best friend, and hope one comes my way. However, this time it will be on equal footing and that is my responsibility.
There is always a give and take in relationships and we make compromises. There’s a big difference between that and being taken for granted.
Oh, Watermusic, I hear you. I actually asked God to send me a best friend for Christmas last year and, lo and behold, I found one living two buildings down from me when I switched to an earlier bus to get to work. We enjoy each other’s company, both originally come from New York City and get along like we’ve known each other forever. Unfortunately, my Christmas present is moving to Atlanta before the end of the year (I live in upstate New York). So I’m renewing my request but this time I’m asking for one that stays. I’ve been going out there into the world, to places where I’m likely to find like-minded spirits, but so far only acquaintences. Good luck with your quest.
Guess where I live
You live in Georgia, don’t you? My daughter and grandchildren moved to Marietta in January and I have been at lose ends ever since. Then my new friend said she was moving there. I’m feeling a North/South tension here!
This was also perfect timing for me! Two weeks ago, I did not attend a family reunion for my husband’s family. I genuinely love all of those people, but I knew we would have to “put on a happy face” the entire time. I stayed home alone, and it was very liberating to be so honest with myself. I slept so well and thoroughly cleaned one room (scrubbing the walls, too!) I had five boxes for the church thrift store that lightened my emotional shoulders.
I have worked two jobs for eight years and taken colleges classes at the same time. I never had time to clean. When I found the “water wings” for toddlers to wear at the pool, it really motivated me. My youngest is 21!!!!!
Last night I scrubbed all the walls and cleaned room #2. This is very good therapy to say YES to seeing my kid’s as adults.
Thanks for the wonderful post!! God bless each of you.
Good for you! About the cleaning, I know just how you feel, but I had to laugh about the water wings because I am finishing a post about them now. And I have another one about seeing people for who they are. Thanks.
Hello All:
I’ve been away from VN for quite some time now with moving and buying a Neglected old Victorian home to restore. But the other day just popped in and saw this post. I had to giggle about the Water Wings several times through out the day.
Just wanted to say thanks for reminding me why I liked VN so much before.
Sandi
This post hit home with me too. I live in a small rural community and like most of my friends, moved here to retire. I find these folks seem to need constant interaction with each other and a full calendar of events to attend. I was going along with a lot of the “outings etc” then started to feel resentful. I wasn’t enjoying this whirlwind lifestyle, so stopped participating in most things. I’m now trying to figure out what I do want to do with my time. Could this be a consequence of working for 30 years in Management where I really couldn’t get involved ? I get asked all the time what do you do with yourself all day and while I have a couple of hobbies, I don’t do anything terribly exciting or interesting but seem to have no problem fiddling away the day. There really is a lot of pressure on retirees to “regain their passions, reinvent themselves etc.” Having said all this, I still fear that I will wake up one day and think I should have done more with my life.
Lindaloo, I get that. I think living empty for awhile is a good thing because it gives your soul room to make itself heard. I honestly stay busy and work at keeping a balance because I like and need time to just piddle around. I am more creative, and more settled within myself when I have that time. I can spend a big chuck of time hanging out with myself and be quite content. When people ask me what I’ve done I tell them that I’m living my life. It may not be the life for anyone else, but it suits me.
Hi Watermusic! Been away for a while for the very reason we’re discussing, namely doing things to please other people. I’ve had several birthdays, summer concerts and events, and suddenly a younger sister who is convinced that, because my kids and grandkids have all moved away, I must not be left alone for any great length of time (unless it interfers with her vacation plans in which case it’s perfectly okay). I’m trying to find a balance so that my days off are not spent trying to squeeze so much in. Like you, I am content to hang out with myself and explore things I enjoy. Sometimes I get bouts of loneliness and I’ve been getting better at handling them. Knowing there are wonderful ladies like you here to chat with makes a big difference. Thanks for sharing.