Setting limits is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and each other. It is an act of love. Setting limits means saying, no. No is a complete sentence. Try that on for size. “No.” But, I’m a woman and that means that sometimes I don’t say no when I should. I say “No, because____” I say, “Fine,” with an exasperated sigh. I say all the things women say when they want to say no, when they should say no and don’t.
I’m pretty good at saying no. Sometimes I say it just to say it and because it makes my students laugh.
“Can we go to recess?”
“NO!”
“Can we sit on the rug?”
“NO!”
“Can we do math?”
“NO!”
“Can we do our homework?”
“NO!”
A few minutes of this and we all laugh and then we go to the rug and out to recess and they do math. Anything for a cheap laugh, it’s the secret to my success, that and a song for any occasion.
I don’t say no when I should some times because I’m tired, have had too much sugar, am lazy, or afraid. When I don’t use my no muscle nothing good happens. I get pissed off, usually at the wrong person and I take it out on someone, usually the wrong person. Before I know it I’ve lost my temper and am looking for a gunslinger, preferably one from Montana who’s toting a guitar.
My dad used to say, “A snake will bite, Deb.” It was his way of telling me not to expect people to be different than they are. I know that a drummer is going to be fun for a while then break my heart. I know that Joe is going to say something rude and piss me off and I know that Donna can’t be trusted to provide information that is reliable and consistent because she always has a personal agenda. I know that. I wasn’t always a good girl but I loved my dad and I did listen to him. A snake will bite. I got bit this week. I lost my temper and hollered and yelled and cried until I felt better. That was then.
This is now. Now, I’m putting on a low cut, red dress, dangling earrings and going to a party. I’m going to drink too much, laugh too loud and flirt my ass off. After all there’s not a mad that a good dress and a little flirt won’t fix. My dad didn’t tell me that. I figured that out all by myself… with a little help from a drummer.
What can I say, it takes what it takes. This week it took me getting mad to remember that setting limits is an act of love and the best time to set a limit is before you need it. I’m outta here, don’t wait up.
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Watermusic, Hmm a red dress, That should do it!! Party Hardy…TRACK
Have a good time ….Red means Hot Red mean Fire and Red means Stop…..
Plain No keep one from remembering lame excuses and lies I like NO...so much better.
What a great message. Some of us have had to learn it the hard way and some are still learning. Thank you for sharing a great heartfelt topic.
You sound like a woman after my own heart…..flirt, sexy dress, laugh, fun!
SO, enough about ME, what do YOU think about ME?!
I’m here, now what are your other 2 wishes!?
xoxo, Alicia
Setting limits is about loving ourselves enough to not allow others to disrespect us. If I respect myself enough to set and respect my limits – I will also expect the same of others. I think knowing ourselves and accepting our flaws, and loving ourselves despite our flaws allows us to set limits. You loved your dad and listened (even if you didn’t always follow his advice), and I am guessing your dad kept talking to you, either way, and because of that learning to set limits was easier.
Very well said. I agree.
This is so so true and its one of the things I’m really struggling right now. My son and I are finally speaking again after almost two months of him being a, well, an asshole. But we’re going for counselling and talking and one of the things he said would most set him off was when he would ask me something and instead of just saying “yes” or “no” I would say “yes” or “no, because….” which would be followed by a lot of reasons that really weren’t the point. I have a need to explain and have explanations. He doesn’t. It doesn’t excuse his bad behaviour, but it is helping me to see where I’m going wrong and what I can change. Also, I’m learning that I’m allowed to just say “no” and not follow it up with all my justifications and rationalization and excuses no matter how reasonable they may seem.
It’s hard though after 55 years of saying either “yes” or “no, because…”
I believe as women of our generation we were taught that we had to explain our yes and our no replies. I grew up with that expectation – especially if I said “no”. I was not taught that honoring myself and following my heart was okay. I learned to rebel. It took me a long time, as an adult, to learn that in rebelling or conforming there was no room for me – for my self. Both gave the power to an outer source and I was either rebelling against or conforming to this outer source. I eventually learned to honor myself – and make my decisions for me – not to please or annoy another – when I began living from this paradigm I experienced freedom for the first time in my life.