Some friends and I watched a group of people that we respected behave in a way that left us shaking our heads in dismay. We saw a not very pretty side to people we thought highly of. It wasn’t Lindsey Lohan or Tiger Woods bad but would have definitely been tabloid fodder inHollywood. They are who they are and they did what they did. That isn’t the problem. It only nominally affected me and the rest is, frankly, none of my business. The problem is how I feel about them and myself now. It’s left a dark spot on my heart.
I tried forgiveness, love, looking at it from their perspective. Forgiveness and love are handy tools but they are not the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser I’m so fond of, at least not in this case. It’s time to stop being dismayed and take a loving and unflinching look at my self and my role in the ill feelings I’m harboring.
Most of the time the feelings we have about someone say more about us than the person they seem to be about and that’s true in this case. What caused the dark spot on my heart had very little to do with what they did and every thing to do with my reaction to it. My tendency to engage in all or nothing thinking, what John Bradshaw refers to as, “either/or thinking,” is the problem. People are right or wrong, good or bad. I like you. I don’t like her. Drummers are bad. Cowboys are good. The truth of the matter is that no one is all good or all bad, all right or all wrong, all one thing or another. Not even when it comes to drummers and cowboys. I forget that sometimes.
Having a knee jerk, slap a label on someone and put them in a box reaction is a way of avoiding the messy business of relationships. I don’t have to deal with you if I already know who I think you are. I can just deal with the label I’ve so conveniently assigned you. And the best part about labels is that they don’t talk back. They don’t challenge my perception of reality. I don’t have to deal with my own, rather messy, emotions if I’ve dismissed you as a category. I can just keep on behaving like I’m right and you’re not.
People are not a sort and label activity. None of us, not the worst and not the best of us, none of us are either/or anything. More often then not we are both/and something. That’s what makes people so endlessly interesting and why good novels get written and good films get made. They’re all about the complexity of the human experience.
One of the best things I got from my 90 Day challenge was a loving respect for the messiness of the human experience. I miss that when I lose myself in either/or thinking. And that’s a shame. Either/or type of thinking keeps me blinded to the fullness of the human experience and the richness of who I am.
PS
It is my intention to post this the same day each week. I’m trying to sort out the best day for that. Please bear with me.
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Watermusic, I like it and it keeps me thinking and challenged…TRACK
Thank, Track. It keeps me thinking to, it keeps me sane.
This is so good. I love the way you say things about how you feel and then the conclusion you come to. It’s so easy to just walk along with your thoughts as you do and then smile when you find resolution. I always feel lifted, a little wiser, a little better. Thanks, watermusic.
What a really lovely way to put it, thanks.
i have on many experienced been the “judged” and it has for ever changed my perspective on how I look at others. I rarely judge, and jump down the throats when my kids do. 1) the first life changing experience was when I was 20 I dated a biker. I had a very good, very high position in the fashion industry and was greatly admired and accomplished, never drank smoked or got into any trouble. One sunday we went with a motorcycle gang to a restaurant, he gave me leathers to wear. when I walked into the rest room the women back away from me in fear. All I could think of was if you saw me tomorrow morning you would be very impressed with me. 2) i suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome and for many years used a handicap sticker. yeah i looked great when i walked into the store with my bouncing 3 kids, but many times I had to send my oldest back to the car for my wheel chair because i was just too exhausted to walk one more foot, and was now sitting on the floor of the isle 3) i have siezures and get disoriented, before we had better control of it we stopped at a fast food restaurant while my then husband went to the bathroom. i tried to order, but i was so exhausted that i couldnt make out my words or follow the menu from beginning to end. my 7 year old son had to order while i tried to stammer out the words. i know i looked drunk to the many people who were standing behind me. they were all so disgusted with me for being “drunk” (or so they thought) in the middle of the day with 3 children under 7. and believe me they let me know it…. the last one was at a grocery store feeling horrible trying to find the helathy hot dogs with no nitrates. I kept pulling different brands off the shelf and reading the labels. then i didnt stand back up( was in a go cart) to put them in the proper place because it took too much energy and i was getting afraid i would not make it home safely. some woman can and bitched me out for being so inconsiderate. she “knew” i was just being lazy. i just sat there too dumbfounded to even bother to explain… I could go on for days with stories like this. I have many been the victim of others judgement when they do not have all the facts.
It sound challenging, I hope things have gotten better for you. We never know the whole story and the story we tell ourselves about a situation is always about us even when the subject is someone else.
yes, I have gotten better…not well, but i stilll throw people on a regular basis… most of the time I just laugh at their superior attitude
I like your responsible and mature thinking. It challenges all of us to question ourselves. I find we all judge others sometime during our life and many times it is more about us, our fears, how we see ourselves, what catagory we put ourselves in etc. It is a daily struggle to change that pattern of judging and putting labels on people, it seems to be human nature. I have thought though if we all could just work hard to look at others with love and compassion, then we would change lives, including our own. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? It is worth striving for.
It seems to be so hard to see ourselves, to REALLY see ourselves. Stepping outside of our own boxes and see ourselves as others see us. If we could do that then perhaps we would spend less time judging others and more time trying to improve ourselves and live more kindly. Most judgements are not accurate and cause pain to others – including ourselves because when we judge others, in some wierd sort of way we are doing it for reasons that have to do with our own unhappiness and insecurities.
I love your last sentences, “Most judgments are not accurate and cause pain to others, including ourselves.” We want to blame someone for our own unhappiness or stress and most of the time it’s caused by our thinking. We have forgotten that God and our inner well being is the source of our happiness, not something outside ourselves.
I’m trying to keep free of negativity because it is worth it. Negativity is the source of all my unhappiness pure and simple, and it’s always because of my negative thoughts, not what someone else has done. It’s my thinking that causes me pain.
I really needed that reminder this morning, thanks.