Flaubert said, ““There is no truth. There is only perception.” Our perceptions shape our reality and our reaction to it. If a we think a glass is half full we tend to be satisfied and enjoy it. If we think the glass is half empty we tend to be parsimonious. Which perception best serves our lives and the lives we touch?
I don’t know what we reality is. I do know that reality is defined by our perception and in the words of Flaubert, ” We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.” Which brings me to people who are negative and call it being realistic.
I’ve been posting brief snippets of updates on this challenge on FB. A friend wrote that when she tells her dad that he’s being negative he tells her that he’s being realistic. What people call realistic is usually an opinion they want you to accept as fact or a prediction about a future event they know little or nothing about. I think we should question authority. We should also question negativity, and while we’re at it, let’s question what we call reality.
J. is like my friend’s father and she uses those exact words, “I’m being realistic.” to justify negative statements whose only purpose seem to be to make the other person feel badly about something in their life or to make the other person feel badly about something that’s happening in J’s life. At best, it’s limiting, at worse, it’s a, you’re- harshing-my-mellow-drag.
The last time J and I talked at length we were talking about my music and she told me that she had something to tell me that I wasn’t going to like and that something was that I would probably never find a permanent group to play with. She has nothing to do with music, nothing to do with the group I usually play with and has never heard me sing or play with that group. The only purpose was to make me feel badly under the guise of being realistic so she could reassure me and commiserate with me.
J called and left a message today that I haven’t returned, mainly because I’ve been busy, but also because I don’t really know what to say. The message was a brief update on what she had been doing and ended with her telling me, in a pitiful tone, that I should, “call if you feel like it.” I don’t know what to do so I am waiting to hear the Voice of God about this situation.
In the meantime, I’m rockin and rolling forward, sometimes with grace, sometimes awkwardly. M asked me today if I started over every time I was negative. You know, I did consider that. No, I am simply trying to eliminate negativity from my life for 90 days to see what happens.
i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
I see a lot of positive efforts coming from you with every post. I’m wondering about your friendship with ‘J’. Is she someone that you have such a long history with that you can’t fathom getting her out of your life?
I realize it’s so easy for me to say and hard to do when it is your friend, but she gave you the out when she told you to “call if you feel like it”. If she asks you why you didn’t call when you speak with her next, you can just tell her the reality. You just didn’t feel like it.
Several years ago I made to decision to eliminate the toxic people from my life, based on how I felt when I was with them. It was uncomfortable to get rid of a few, but so worth it in the long run. I need to keep people around me who make me laugh and feel good about being with them. People who accept me for who I am, the good and the crazy. I am now constantly surrounded by the most delightful friends who I will love until the day I die. We are all a bit different from one another but we love that about our group. What we have in common is laughter and heart.
Keep up the good work! You will be amazed when the 90 days is up!
Thank you. I see a lot of positive efforts coming from me as well, and positive results.
I’ll put up with a lot and one of the things I’m learning to do is how, where and when to set limits with people. J. is not that close of a friend and truthfully, she is someone I will probably walk away from. I’ve told her how I feel about the negativity and gossiping but she always has a reason why it’s ok.
It’s becoming less and less ok me. The less negativity I have in my life, the more quickly I notice it’s effect and the less I want it at all.
How do you know when someone is toxic and when to accept a quality as part of who they are?
For me, someone is toxic when having them in my life provides few moments of happiness. I also take into consideration the amount of time I spend with that person.
Right now I have, maybe, six people in my life who I couldn’t tolerate on a regular basis. But having the occasional conversation or lunch with them is fine. We share a history and as long as we can stay off certain subjects I am fine.
But there have been people who, even with a long history of friendship, I have needed to quit having contact with because we no longer share the same values. I can be friends with someone who has a completely different point of view on politics (I hate politics) or religion. But if they are going to get on a soap box and push their views down my throat every single time I talk to them, I’m done.
I once had a sweet friend who, in her senior years, became obsessed with two topics. Politics and fat people. She could not talk on any other subject. She would rant and rave about her own daughter’s weight issue and EVERY time we talked, she’d ask me how much my daughter weighed and what size I wore! Those are not topics I care to discuss endlessly. Unfortunately, when we were younger, we shared so many thoughts and activities. But those days ended long ago.
I want to surround myself with people who will be able to laugh and have levity in their life in spite of their problems. I need to share my deepest, darkest fears/concerns once in a while (with a chosen few) and be there for others to do the same. Everyone is dealing with something. But when every conversation is negative and depressing, I’m outta here!
You are on the right track! I’m proud of you!
Thank you, I’m proud of myself. When I was going through my divorce. I felt crazy, I was crazy, crazy and concerned about being crazy. I went to a friend, an older woman and she said, “You were sane before and you will be sane again.” I’ve thought about what you said about J and will probably let her go because she has always been this way. It never effected me directly so I ignored it. The same thing applies to work.
I ignored the teacher bashing from other teachers until it effected me then I did something about it. This challenge is part of that something. I am telling people very calmly but very clearly that I will not accept negative comments about other teachers. I am standing up for them and for myself from a position of inner strength and confidence. It’s nice. I like it.
Yeah, I ‘m diggin’ myself and lovin’ life today, baby.