Several years ago a friend called me and asked how things were going. I complained that my new boss kept wanting to do things with me and the only dates I could get were with younger men. There was a pause then he said, “Let me get this straight, your big problem is that someone wants to be your friend and younger men lust after you.” Then he hung up. My immediate reaction was, well, when you put it that way…… I called him back and apologized. We joke about the conversation now, but he got my attention.
I started listening to what I told people when they asked how things are going. I realized that the question, “How are you?” was not a request to recite everything I thought was wrong. I started being more deliberate about what I said and would announce when asked how I was doing, “Diggin’ myself and lovin’ my life baby, how about you?” I noticed a difference in how I felt about myself and how people responded to me. I started paying attention to what I said to people believing that “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me” is a pretty song and pretty good advice. There are a couple of people in my life that I don’t do that with so readily or so easily. J. is one of those people.
Yesterday she called. It was a phone call I’ve been dreading because most of our conversations involve criticisms and gossip disguised as concern and wanting to understand something. J. is part of a large circle of friends. She is known for liking to talk and by talk I mean mining relationships and situations for nuggets of flaws so she can offer guidance and insight. It feels like support until you realize what she’s supporting is what you think is a problem and she never really offers solutions, just support for the problem that probably wasn’t a problem in the first place.
Slowing and surely people have stopped calling her as often as they used to and stopped including her as much. They feed her with a long handled spoon. I was the last hold out. It’s very difficult not to succumb to a conversation that includes gossip and negative exploration of stuff that is just none of our business, especially when you have a propensity to do it yourself and I do.
Yesterday morning she called and the conversation quickly meandered its way to negativity and gossip. I begged off as quickly and kindly as I could.
Now, as it happened a few minutes later another friend stopped by for tea. We talked about books we were reading, her upcoming medical support trip to Haiti and a play she thought I would enjoy. I told her about the meals I had planned and the hike I took. I felt happy about myself and life when she left which was in sharp contrast to how I felt when I was through talking to J.
I want to create peace. I want people to feel good about themselves and their lives after they leave me. I need to elevate my level of conversation, more Charlie Rose and less TMZ. I don’t know if that’s possible with J. Time will tell.
i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Just thinking about J. Don’t give up on her. Show her. I know it’s hard to be hanging onto a limb after capsizing in a river yourself, not that you are, but reaching out to help someone else who doesn’t have a limb can be heroic.. Be honest with her. It’s possible that she knows she’s like this. I’m alot like J. I find myself being very negitive. My children know how to jolt me out of it. They don’t have a choice in who their Mother is. Friends leave friends who are negative because they can. The sad thing is, gossip is one of the most toxic things that destroys not only those being subjegated by it, but those who indulge in it. Just tell her. Let her get mad. She needs food for thought. If she continues, then you’ve given her a helping hand, she chose to drown. I thank God every day that someone cared enough to show me the way. My daughter is that person. Everyone else gave up.
Oh, MG, I appreciate your comments,more to the point I needed them. I’ve been thinking about this and know I need to be honest with her. I love the phrase, gossip is one of the most toxic things that destroys not only those being subjugated by it but by those who indulge in it. When I’ve tried to tell her in the past she makes excuses but I can’t just walk away, for my sake. Today I’m having lunch with a VN friend and dinner with a old friend who is a new mother. J. will call later this week and I will talk to her and give her the benefit of the doubt. What I will not do is call another friend in our circle and discuss this. Thank you for encouraging me to be the woman I want to be.
Go forth and conquer (saw that in a movie once and always wanted to use it ;^) Say hi for me to your VN friend and wish I was there too. She’s my favorite.
Will I get kicked out of the challenge? Yes, I have succombed to the nastinest that takes over when you start talking negatively about someone and I feel as though I owe that person an apology. I would do this if I saw her. Don’t even know if she is still around this town.
Hope you will find it in your heart and let me stay with this thread. I think I need to. Off to work, I love my job, and happy to know you can keep it going watermusic.
anir
It’s a new day. I suspect that I will succumb at some point. Persevere.