Is Self-love, just Self-ish?
No.
That’s the short but definitive answer.
Sometimes we get that confused.
”Put the oxygen mask over our own noses first”—every time we fly, we are reminded. I have never known anyone to argue with THAT concept of taking care of yourself first, so you can be clear headed enough to then focus on and assist the ones you love, next—–but that same theory applied to the rest of our lives—must mean we are selfish, right?
I am not sure when we got this into our heads, but, as a female, it seems to be ingrained in our DNA and remains an ongoing internal battle. Could it be that a lot of the times we find ourselves depressed or depleted or just plain angry is that we have this whole idea…..in reverse order?
For one thing, not loving and caring for ourselves first, is the fastest path to one of the biggest and most insidious, self-destructive traps we can fall into—-also, seemingly unique to women. Martrydom. I know you know what I’m talking about. So, when’s the last time you loved being around a martyr? All that self-less-ness, all that bending and scraping and flogging in the name of family or friendship—all that heavy sighing, while reporting the latest selfless act—-which, of course, went unnoticed, and totally unappreciated. Martyrs often play see-saw with victims.
Instead of connecting with others, all this attempt at “love” just drives the ones we claim to love most, away. And, isn’t that what “Everyone-but-me- first” is ultimately all about? Hoping for appreciation? Hoping that others in your life will see how much you love them? But, what if, by taking vigilant care of yourself and you own well being, you could embody love? What if your love of your own life showed everyone else the way?
By the way, I am not talking about self-absorbed, consume-all-the-air-in-the-room, narcissistic love. (we’ll deal with narcissism in future posts) I am also not leaving God out of the equation. I have never been one who needs to be politically correct about my love of God……first, first. It is a given….like air. I believe that God has a plan for my life—-and I am honoring God by carrying it out. Taking care of myself in a way that sets this Divine Plan into motion is the essence of what I am talking about.
So, here’s the deal—I grapple with this whole notion of self-love being selfish too. Intellectually and spiritually, I know what’s right for me—-but emotionally, I deal, every day with this feeling. We all have to decide what this balance is—what works for us. For me, talking about it and bringing it to light—-creating a discussion around it—makes me feel less alone and conflicted. One of the main reasons for writing SCREAMS of CONSCIOUSNESS is to ensure that you won’t feel alone either. We are all grappling with something.
So, here’s a take-away for today…..if you read no further…this is it. I am getting my arms around the idea of………
Learning that loving ME, first….does not make YOU, last. It allows me to create the envelope for all that I hold dear.
Also, I have found four things to be consistently true while trying to LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH…….
1. Self-love identifies and honors your needs and energizes you for all the other aspects and responsibilities in life.
2. Self-love assumes abundance—-it perpetuates abiding faith and authentic confidence—that 99% of the time, there will always be enough of you to go around. (And during those 1% times, you will love yourself enough to ask for the right kind of support.)
3. Self-love demonstrates a deep commitment to personal responsibility, consistency and self-reliance. Self-love and self-discipline are velcroed together.
4. Self-love creates balance and boundaries.
So, does this sound too good to be true?
For many of us, it is. It’s overwhelming to think of being that self-reliant, self-aware, self-directed, motivated and consistent. Because it’s hard. So hard. To be all that we can be….all the time. To be our best. To use our gifts in a way that honors all that we have been given. To have compassion for our own foibles and humanity. To be vigilant about what does and does not work for our greatest good and to be courageous in the times when our values are being threatened.
The point is—-if we can’t see it and be it—then we have not developed enough of it to give to anyone else. It leaves us depleted, depressed and sad and waiting for someone or something to pick up the slack, to be our next “magic bullet”, hoping someone or something will come along to pull our wagon, too.
LOVE…starts with me……first.
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
I guess I’m surprised no one commented on this….I wish I was at the place of self-love, and I am falling way short of your description,but I think so many things from our past get in the way of even attempting self-love…I am absolutely sure I self-defeat much more than I self-love….sometimes it just seems like too much work to figure myself out…and just too busy making a living and basically surviving the economy and the meager lifestyle I have been relegated to based on…you guessed it, not enough self love a long time ago…..frankly today I am feeling I do not have the energy to self-love, just to survive…food for thought though.
Love your name, sunblossom ! I have days like you are describing, and try to figure out why and how to change my dilemna. Taking a walk gets me out of the grumpies, getting sun on my face…they say through your eyes 20 mins a day boosts your mood. Getting sugar and white flour and bread out of my system speeds me up….that and black iced coffee make me move more. Work does zap you, I am 60 this year and trying to keep pace like I am still 20. Thoughts of retirement bring cheer. Our long winters in the northeast make summer such a blessing….no one complains in summer ! Life is a struggle, love yourself first and find what makes you smile….you deserve it…..”don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers, but go pick them for yourself…”…..I have a big sign over my bed…says ‘BELIEVE’….in yourself…that helps remind me each morning that it is all up to me….to choose grumpy or seek out the positive.
In my opinion.Self -love isnt selfish at all.
ITS LIKE RESPECT.iF YOU HAVE NONE FOR YOURSELF, YOU HAVE NONE FOR OTHERS!
Not even for things. Your car .NORE ANYONE ELSES!ETC.
Great point—-it extends to everything, doesn’t it?
Self love is a tough one. Since I hit 50 it’s become easier for some reason. I have been trying to embrace who I am, be proud of who I am, not apologize for who I am or justify it. We spend so much time thinking how others feel. I never would make a move wondering what my mom would think. What a stinking waste of time and energy. That’s one awesome benefit of getting older. To heck with that!
Recently, I heard this quote that has stuck with me—–”What anybody else thinks of you is none of your business!” I think that’s so true—and yet, we strive to get someone’s approval—and they are going to think whatever they think. And…..it is none of our business unless we hand over all our power and self-worth to them. Gosh it takes a lifetime to figure this out.
Very good post! A lot of truth and messages. You may enjoy one of mine from Feb. 10th 2010 “Taking Ownership of You” http://sheliaharris999.blogspot.com/
Thanks for sending mr to this post/blog, very good
I spent years convincing a friend that taking ‘alone time’ is a good thing. She finally learned that, if I call, it’s okay for her husband to tell me she’s taking time for herself. If it’s urgent, I’ll say so. That happened once in 20 years, and she was at my house in 10 minutes.
You are so right on! I indeed learned this and can tell you the exact month and year that the “ah ha” moment hit me. I was on the journey for a number of years and things kept getting better. Then when I finally reached the awareness I began to be challenged and put to the test — could I love myself like I should, not give more than I was able and keep everyone else still feeling loved. It’s been a challenge and one that I’m so glad I finally traveled.
It IS the road less traveled isn’t it? And, if we think of ourselves as a model for love—showing our children how to really be responsible for their own happiness and self-care—then it makes that road make sense!
self love is just that. Are we defining love, or self? Selfish has an “I” in it. Selfull has an “U” in it. Why cringe when we hear selfish? Sometimes it’s fun being selfish. I think that’s the thing we do, when we’re indulging in those little non necessities, at perhaps not the most “appropriate time”. So what? we’re stealing a bit of “private pleasure, if you will. I’m not advocating this as a life style, nor setting it as ethically o.k.
I’m just trying to establish that it’s human, and not worth worrying about, at least in small doses.
Self love is something that we recognize as true caring. It is from that love that we can, I believe pour forth an authentic caring for others. Having taken care of ourselves, we can give without expectations. And isn’t that what giving and loving is all about?