The other day, at lunch, a friend shared how distressed she was about the amount of weight she had gained over the summer. As we talked, it became apparent that she had been eating what she could not say. The details of her family/work/home situation were a perfect storm of irritation and frustration that she had been sitting on, as it turns out, for years.
An incident or two, this summer, kicked things up a notch, creating even more awareness that she had been slamming the lid on a boiling pot over and over, while telling herself, “Oh well, get over it!” Now, she was feeling volcanic and sad, at the same time. So much water under the bridge, so much “gunny sacked” away. So much time on a teeter-totter of her own making, up and down and back and forth, between victim and martyr… rendering herself more and more powerless and overwhelmed–all because she was keeping the peace. Now, she felt like she was falling to pieces.
Haven’t we all been there?
Is it time to speak up? VN could be the safe place for a rehearsal.
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
How well I understand!!! I am such a peacemaker that one of my friends gave be a book several years ago titled, PEACEMAKER. However, I have discovered that as I get older , I am beginning to speak up more now than I ever have before. As much as I love to be at peace with everyone, I had to learn that I have a right to my feelings and no one is going to stand up for me except me. At times, I felt like a doormat, letting anyone who wanted to walk on me do so. Although not perfect by any means, I had to learn the art of communication. I discovered that a lot of times, it is not as much what you say, but how you say it. Learning this really helped me a lot. I love peace,don’t we all. However, there comes a time in everyone’s life that we must speak up and own our own true feelings about something. Holding everything in all the time, in order to keep the peace, will eventually destroy you. When we finally realize that we need to have a say about something, to speak our truth, we just need to be careful about HOW WE SAY IT!!!! I think it makes a huge difference, our attitude, tone of voice, etc. Also, when discussing something with someone, I believe a person is respected more when they speak up and declare their true feelings. However, I will have to admit in some situations, it seems that we have to go along to get along. That is sad, but we live in an imperfect world and have to do the best we can about whatever is going on at the moment. GOD HELP US!!! We want to be kind and loving to everyone we can, but we don’t want to be doormats either.
Beautifully said—and as our world becomes more and more high tech, truncated with sound bites and Twitter bits, the art of authentic expression, the art of high touch—whether verbal or physical has never ever been more important.
I forgot to include in my post, a quote from Martin Luther King:
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter most.
SO TRUE!!!! We need to speak up about important things, before it is too late!!!! God gave us a voice; we need to use it to the best of our ability.
true.. but when someone tells you, it’s not any of your business.. what do you do?? when it involves a member of your family..when you feel they might be heart broken again..when you don’t trust that person..or could it be just (my) feelings not trusting them.. i really don’t know..
Ah…how I realate to this. I recently “blew up” in an email to my ex about how he is now providing his new wife all the things from hugs & generosity to new cars and diamonds. I am glad that I finally said something, especially since my best friend (who is still friends with him and the new wife) has told me how much it hurts her to see how under his thumb I was…how I could never have those things like a new car, a nice diamond wedding ring (instead of a cz). However, since I sent that email I have been blocked by my ex and his wife on facebook (for which I am grateful…their happy pics on friend suggestions was just too much) and my friend has not spoken to me. I feel that what I had to say was hard but true….after 25 years of silence I finally spoke.
your response is sooo true.. but how do we know when to speak out? im not very good at explaining how i feel about a situation. it is hard for me to find the right words to use in explaining how i feel.
Oh so many things…. and for such a long time. It is time to start over at 58.
I needed to read this! I am not alone. Stop being polite be real……
I am at this very moment living in the same nightmare! I am so angry and frustrated I can’t decide whether to scream or cry. my vocabulary has turned into something out of a truck drivers mouth, I want to run so far away and never look back. I seem okay when i am away from my home, and as soon as i walk in the door I feel anxious and nervous, depressed, volatile. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore and am becomung unhinged very quickly.
Well you have a freind in this one .
My life is the same i ask myself every day why i feel i am not to be in this house
Some days i would just like to hide
Amen sistas! It is that leftover “good girl” programming we all struggle with and it is time for that to go. It takes courage and integrity to speak up. We owe it to ourselves and all the others. thanks Peggy for the MLK quote: Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter most. That says it all.
I too let people walk all over me and now when I speak up for myself, my family asks me if I am out of my hormone patches. So I continue to be silent because I don’t know how to communicate correctly. As I was growing up my parents always taught me to not speak until you are spoken to. I’ll figure it out one of these days.
Been there, done that and I agree all ppl need to be able to express themselves. I just wanted to keep peace, well my world is not peace all the time. I also found a lot of inner confidence that was screaming to come out. If, I had not started practicing my voice opinion I would be in a state of sadness. I also believe a woman can give opinions in an elegant way in order to be taken seriously. All should remember the statement “she is hormonal” just because woman speak there minds. So, as women I feel I need to make sure when I do speak I must do it in a way that will be beneficial to both the candidate and myself. I have grown.
I fell recently outside, tripped actually, and instead of telling my children, I decided not, too. They would have said it was my fault. So to keep the peace,they will not know about it from me.
Here is the question I have….how do you express thoughtfully and have your voice heard? I’ve always been one who wanted to be heard but whenever I voice my concerns, I am discounted. This has happened to me so often that I know it is something in my delivery, not everyone else. I’m always amazed at how some folks can complain about the smallest things and people run to the rescue. I can be bleeding and need a tourniquet and another have a paper cut, and the person with the paper cut will get all the attention and the tourniquet.
amen… i know actually what you mean..
i do the same things, i keep everything in,don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings,others think i better not say anything,because it’s not any of my business or i have no right to say anything. Do I??? it’s my family that it concerns..
exercise about 5 days per week and eat healthy fresh fruits and vegetables and drink lots of cool fresh water and exercise and exercise and exercise and treat others and yourself with respect and forgive and love and enjoy living every day and be you!
Sometimes our “inner patriarch,” the one that convinces us we should be seen and not heard, kicks in. Speak up ladies…there’s a self in there that’s clamoring to get out.
Hello Everyone: My name is LeeA_G and I am knew to this blog circle. This comment really hit home for me in a big way. I am or was the same way but everything change for me Sunday. I got an email from my niece who was really upset. It seems her mother’s boyfriend was cheating on her and she went over to his house (the house he shares with his mother. 50 years old and still lives with his mother). Well to make a long story short she threatened to kill him and herself. Her mother confirmed me on her facebook page and I sent her a message telling her that I was sorry that this happened and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea that would be happy to date and be with her and her 3 girls. Well she got mad and blamed my niece. Well I posted on facebook and she messaged with alot of bull sh** which I disputed and it went on and on until yesterday (Tuesday) when I answered her email and told her the facts of life and that she didn’t know me and when she could treat me like a human being that she could contact me again. I then removed her as a friend from my facebook page. This is rather painful but I have gotten to a point that I just don’t care and refuse to put myself through answering her delusions. She seriously needs professional mental health counseling and medication and I hope she gets. Meanwhile I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my heart. I didn’t realize how much guilt that I felt over the years. Now I have to deal with my two step-sons and a daughter in law who live with my Husband and I. It is called tough love. I am sorry that I have gone on so long but it feels good to vent. Any comments would be welcome.
I am in the same position. Without going into a lot of detail, I can barely keep my lid on. My 28 year old daughter and my 3 year old granddaughter live with me in a tiny two bedroom apartment. My daughter is an internet addict, messy and lazy about cleaning up. I pay the bills and she is supposed to be the homemaker. The place can get quite filthy until I end up cleaning everything. The many times I have approached her about taking responsibility, she gets mad and makes me feel quilty for “not loving her enough”.
I feel trapped, uncreative (I am an artist), quilty, and stressed by the mess!
Your daughter is a manipulator and she knows making you feel guilty is what she has to do in order for u to let her continue her lifestyle at your expense. Tell her, these are the rules, follow them or leave. If she does not work, does she get some type of welfare assistance? Tell her to get her own place. A person like this has to be watched with a minor child. Sometimes they are so caught up in their own computer world they forget to feed the kids. GET MAD!
When I was a kid, lo those many years ago, we used to use a pressure cooker to cook things more quickly. The lid was sealed with this little gizmo but it released and sputtered steam and made this little hissing sound—–you could tell it was about to BLOW, if you touched it. That’s what I am hearing. As a minister and pastoral care specialist I mentor women almost every day about saying what we MEAN without feeling that way. I am not sure how we got the message that to speak our truth was not allowed. The voices in our heads are louder than anything we ever say. And, it gets crowded in there doesn’t it? There are words that can relieve the pressure valve—-they can be said aloud to stop the feeling of escalaton. They can be said in an even tone or at the top of your lungs—-to give yourself a time out and to put everyone else on notice. Here they are:
THIS is NOT O.K. with me. Simple and effective. Then, if you can, walk away. Take yourself out of the drama. Cool off. No need to elaborate either—-because when we elaborate, we are in defensive mode—-and/or we immediately sound like we are apologizing. Don’t do that. Apologizing for your feelings tells everyone else that you don’t get to have them. You deserve both your voice and your feelings.
Excellent advice. Thank you.
Ladies, have anybody heard of Sam-E? I am going to try it. I hear it does wonder for the “pressure cooker” in us.