My mother was known for her easy-going, mild-mannered disposition, except when it came to one thing. Thank-you notes.
Then, she became Atilla the Hun, or one of those nuns, raising a ruler overhead to deliver a sharp whack on the knuckles. Ferocious. Militant. The rule was–a note went out (correct grammar and spelling, of course) within a week of receipt of the gifts. No excuses.
Call me old fashioned–but I DO love sending and receiving a note–via snail mail. Seeing real, live handwriting from someone who took the time to care–and who might have even gone to the trouble to pick out a special stamp–still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Don’t get me wrong–when I am in a rush, I will send a thank-you via email. But, I always feel guilty afterward. It’s not just my mother’s historic “tsk-tak” ringing in my ear but my own desire to continue the traditions of civility. No matter what, I don’t believe high tech, with the most cleverly designed e-cards, will ever replace the high touch feeling of opening a card with someone’s heartfelt message written in their own hand.
Emails, Twitter and Facebook are a way of acknowledging people, no question. But notes and cards, sent through the mail touch us with something extra. No?
And, there’s a part of me that hates to think I am giving in to the “rushing” quality that can overwhelm my daily life–becoming “one of those people” who never takes a deep breath–to smell the roses or who can stop for 10 minutes, at the store, to pick out notes and cards for friends. I just don’t want the rush to become the reason to brush off life’s little kindnesses in favor of whatever is the most expendient way to “get the job done.”
I guess the point really is–to remember to say “THANKS”–no matter how it’s delivered. Just a thought and, well… A reminder. The first week of the new year, is almost over y’know. Do I sound like my mother?
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Hi Peggy,
Are you sure we weren’t raised by the same mother?? And I was like my mother, requiring my children to write their thanks personally on a card; but at that point it didn’t matter if the spelling & grammar were correct. I just wanted them to be sure to WRITE a thank you. I do know that I love to write & receive them. I try to pick out a special card to fit the personality of the person I am writing to. I volunteer for an organization that knits & crochets hats for cancer patients. I can tell you for sure that Thank you notes have not gone out of style. (in this arena any way) I just compiled a 100 page book of thank you notes to add to the 25 pages in the previous book, & have started another 20 or so pages of more notes. This organization has been in existence only 3 short years.
On the other hand, there is my niece…… Her mother, my sister, (raised by the same mother) has not impressed upon her the importance of writing thank you cards, or acknowledging a gift in any form. (no tweet, no facebook, absolutely nothing) So this year, after once again not receiving any acknowledgement that she even received either the birthday gift or Christmas gift I sent her I have decided to stop sending gifts. In my heart I know that I shouldn’t NEED to be thanked, yet my spirit says I am not being honored for the thought time & effort that comes from choosing a gift to delight another person.
I live 3000 miles away from her, but during a recent visit to visit my sister my niece offered a different perspective on thank you notes. Apparently her generation doesn’t do this as it is old- fashioned….. I was stunned to hear her actually say this out loud.
Boy I really hope this isn’t so. It will be a sad day when we just take and do not give in return
Well,I hate to say it but I was actually told, this holiday season, when the subject came up from someone under 30, that “thank you notes are’corny’! Aw come on, now—since when??? If thank you notes put me firmly in the corny “GEEEZER” category, well, allrighty then. (This was told to me by someone who mentoned that they liked the stationery I had sent THEIR note on—-HUH?)
Thank you notes, Just Because greeting cards and Birthday cards are neither corny or out of style. Who doestn’t love getting that brightly colored envelope in the mail no matter what the age. That thank you note or greeting card has a profound emotional effect.
I am happy to report that my sister impressed the importance of thank you notes to her 3 girls growing up. They are now between the ages of 29 and 33, on their own and always send hand written thank you notes after birthdays and christmas. Thank goodness not everyone in the younger generation thinks it’s old-fashioned.
Nothing says “thank you” like a handwrtten note from the heart. Same goes for “how are you? I miss you and want to keep in touch.” e-mail is too cold to convey an emotional message, and doesn’t take much effort–not the impression you want to leave with a loved one.
I make a ritual out of it: a beautiful Mont Blanc fountain pen and beautiful stationery used specifically for penning love letters, thank you notes, and letters of condolences. There’s a lot to be said for snail mail.
Timely writing and words of wisdom here from everyone. I just sent out my thank you notes for the Christmas gifts. And our senior leader is moving to another division, so I wrote him a thank you for your leadership note today too.
And before the holidays, I sent thank you letters to all my agency presenters who delivered modules at my training courses. I was surprised to return from the holidays to discover so many thank you phone calls and emails from these people. They couldn’t believe I took the time to send them a real letter, not an email. I couldn’t believe the prevous program managers hadn’t. These people sacrificed their time to drive 60 miles round trip and deliver training to my supervisors and managers.
Unfortunately, I cannot say that my mother taught me this tip. She did not, but I picked it up somewhere along the way. And it was reinforced by one of my favorite bosses who sent handwritten notes often to many people for many occasions.
Yes, I send thank you emails to folks for standard business situations. But for family matters, personal matters, and everyday matters, nothing beats the handwritten word.
Our mother was a bit easier on the thank-you’s. If the giver was present, which they usually were, our adoration was enough. A phone call was enough for aunts and uncles. Non-family got a card and of course graduations and weddings. My Mother-in-law made her family miserable and for years I felt guilty if I didn’t get a card off to her within the hour. I’ve given it up, the duty. Now I find Thank-You’s nice. I don’t expect one within the hour. I would prefer a more personal thank-you when the recipient is using or wearing the gift and thinks of me. I do think that we should not give up traditional cards, thank-you’s and notes. They are special. Until then you can post a picture of the gift I gave you on Facebook and tell all you friends what a great Auntie I am. LOL
Being gracious and polite will NEVER go out of style! I am another person from the tribe of thank you and I can tell you that when I was about 7 or 8 years old, my mother sat down with me and helped me write some of my first thank you notes. I think I drew flowers and a heart with a Z but that was straight from my heart. Mom told me if I ever failed to write some sort of thank you to someone within a week, I was not allowed to keep that gift. I only had to experience that ONCE to know how bad I felt!
My stepkids are 19 and 21 and in 10 years time have sent us exactly two thank you notes a piece. We gave them birthday/Christmas/just because gifts all of the time without any acknowledgment. My MIL told me a few years ago, “They have failed to thank us (their paternal grandparents) for the last time. After this, no more. They’ll get cards and that’s it.” Lo and behold they did manage to call MIL/FIL once or twice but they have not received a gift from them again. Those two are two of the most gracious people on the planet and it really bothered me that they didn’t get that little bit of kindness. Well no matter. They will learn soon enough that people respond to polite and gracious behavior. Or not.
I will always send a thank you. Hell I have a card fetish anyway, who am I kidding???
Did my mother (may she rest in peace) suggest you write this column?
Wow! All our mothers knew each other! LOL! But, I have to say, I still follow her rules. I do cheat a little – I belong to an online card service – which I use to send ecards to my grandchildren and friends for different reasons of saying ‘hi’. But when someone is really down or hurting, birthdays, and special occasions – they get the real paper in the mail. I have two grown daughters in their early 30′s and they both send hand written thank-you’s to friends and family. I always get them too! My mother is proud something she taught me stuck!
I absolutely think that Thank You notes are important and for my part will never stop sending them, I enjoy receiving them as well!!! I have taught my three daughters the importance of receiving and sending them as well….
Like the “little black dress” thank you notes will NEVER go out of style.
My hubby and I were invited to a dinner/dance hosted by one of his clients. It was obvious from the decorations to the little gifts given to the wives to the food that this person/company had gone all out to make sure his guests knew that they were important to him. Not only did he spend a lot of money he made the effort.
I sent him a thank you note because I appreciated all the effort he’d gone to to make this an enjoyable evening (for his guests). And because thank you notes are just a little something I choose to do. This man made it a point to call my husband and thank him for the thank you note! He told him in all the years he had been hosting this Christmas dinner/dance nobody had ever sent him a thank you note. Such a little thing made his day, he was so happy and pleased to receive it.
I think gracious manners never go out of style. If others find this concept corny or old fashioned, who cares! I do it as much for me as I do the person I am sending it to.
This is an ongoing conversation I have with my husband. He doesn’t think you should have to send a Thank You Note when you get a gift. Although, he recently said….even though a bark about you sending Thank You Notes all the time, I really do like that you do! Hee Hee, I really knew that!
I think it is so important, especially in a world where we are all going so fast! Somedays, I just want to slow down. Yes, an email is great and yes it’s fun to talk on facebook and yes, a phone conversation is nice. But, I don’t know about you, but when I get a nice note in the mail….it warms my heart!
My sweet Mother ALWAYS sent out Thank You notes and I always thought that was something so special about her!
So my vote is this. If it makes someone else feel good about their day or something they did for others, aren’t they worth a little card and a stamp??
Just say thanks, no matter who the gift is from. Even if the gift isn’t physical, say thanks. It’s good manners and mothers and fathers need to teach their children this. I don’t even know, sometimes, if my grandkids, receive their gifts, because we don’t receive any kind of thanks,
I actually have a cousin who will call my children up if she doesn’t receive a thankyou. Its a matter of courtesy and acknowledgement of receiving a gift . I try to instill the practice in my children but its not always successful. There are some rules that say if you say thankyou in person there is no need to send a note. I don’t agree.
Just say thanks, no matter who the gift is from. Even if the gift isn’t physical, say thanks. It’s good manners and mothers and fathers need to teach their children this. I don’t even know, sometimes, if my grandkids, receive their gifts, because we don’t receive any kind of thanks,
My mother and father both stressed the importance of thanking both in writing and in person. My father use to say the telephone you use to ask someone for a favor is the same phone you use to say thank you. Two years ago while looking for another job I always followed up with a written thank you. When someone I work with has several of us over for dinner, I always send a written thank you.
I know an individual that never uses the word thank you. I’m hoping its just a habit they’ve gotten into and that they don’t expect things.
My parents were not really big on this. I have always thought it rude not to reply when someone does something nice or gives you a gift. I feel hurt when I go to a lot of trouble of shopping and picking out a gift and never hear a word. I do not feel that e-mail is the correct way to respond. If so I would of e-mailed you a picture of the gift I had bought for you. and save myself the money and the postage!
LEXIE: LOVED your comment!!
I feel exactly the same way, Lexie.
Thank you notes seemed like a chore when I was little and my mom insisted (thank goodness). And as I insisted with my children.
But, because we can use thank you notes and letters as a “Pay it Forward” tool its more fun than ever. Writing a letter to the Post Office “Complaint department” and praising them for the speed they got the letter to aunt Bell is rewarding (with a cc to Post Master General) Once a cop comforted a young woman distraught from a minor fender bender. I went over and praised him and got his badge # and wrote to his supervisor what an asset he was. I asked a car mechanic the name of his supervisor because I was so impressed with his extra step attitude. He took me right over to him then and there. LOL that was too cute.
I have been amazed at how many thank you letters I received back saying they needed that right now or posted it on their bulletin board. Writing a “hope you have a better day tomorrow” note to someone who is being mean turns out to really be a note to yourself for your patience
We’ve all done it, but I think we need to do it more often and hear our mother’s voices for more than a response to gifts to us but to hopefully turn the negative atmosphere in this country around one letter at a time.
So in that spirit THANK YOU so very much for having this site to go to and exchange ideas and vent.
Dahl
In response to your comment about seeing a thank you note posted. My husband and I used to be responsible for a Cub Scout Pack and would often seek donations. I went into a local business to seek a donation for another organization. I stepped up to the counter and began waiting, I broused the lobby and there under glass was a note that I’d written years before. When the appropriate person arrived in the lobby and saw me looking at the note, he said, “in all the years, that has been the only thank you note we’ve ever gotten.” OMG I told him, that was me – I wrote that note. He made me show him my driver’s license to prove it was me. Immediately they gave me what I’d asked for. And of course, I wrote another thank you note!
I just love this story.
I still send hand-wriiten “Thank You” notes and my 16 yr.old son does also.
Same rule as your Mom. Send a note within a week.
My son is a Southern Gospel singer and always sends a “Thank You” back to the venue where he last performed a concert.
Even sends them to churches that have him come in to do a concert for their congregation.
We have received many phone calls back from the venues because the churches,etc. are so shocked that a 16 yr.old young man would go to the trouble of thanking them.
Thanks for your post!
Norma
http://www.coreylaneyministries.com
Well your mother must have been my mother’s cousin or some form of relative. We had to write thank you notes from a very young age-it’s only proper! I still believe it is the “proper” thing to do and yes a hand written note is the only way to go.
When writing your note try to be a little personal and do not just say thank you for the so and so, we can’t wait to use it. It is hard in our life of emails and cellphones but if you think back don’t you really appreciate a note of thanks?? I thought so. Now get busy and write those notes, quickly.
My mother was like your mother, as well. I suppose that I was the same way with my children when they were growing up. My daughter is great about sending out a hand written thank you as soon as possible. But, I must admit that my son is another story.
I am not sure about the whole double standard thing. I don’t think that writing a thank you note should be abolished, nor do I think that it is strictly a woman’s task. For some reason, none of the men in my life ever feel that they need to write them. Does anyone else have that problem?
I think that it’s sad that so many common courtesies are going by the wayside. (Yes, I know that I am showing my age now!) But, the more that we whittle away at the basics, it frightens me as to where we are going.
I was brought up the same way and for that reason have “Thank You” cards on hand. That way I don’t have to go out and buy them. I love receiving them and love sending them. But I do feel sorry for the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids who write their “Thank You” notes to relatives and friends of their parents they don’t even know for gifts they aren’t even aware they have received. I’ve gotten a few of these over the years. What to do?
I always send thank you notes. I feel like the person took the time to pick out special for me – the least I can do, is to send a thank you note acknowledging the gift.
My sister-in-law is not the case. She never sends thank you notes. And let me tell you – it has repercusions. I was throwing her a baby shower and several of the ladies declined to attend because they had not received a thank you note for the bridal shower or wedding gifts. I even went out and purchased notes, wrote the note and had my sister-in-law sign then and then mailed them myself. And to my surprise, several of these ladies mentioned finally receiving the notes when I bumped into them in the store or church.
I don’t think one week is an absolute. I write my notes within a reasonable time. But, I’m also the kind of person that remembers the leaf shaped candy dish was from a lady at church that was also my first grade teacher. Whenever I use something that was given to me, I remember that person. And I appreciate the time and effort that person took to find that just special thing just for me. P.S. We’ve been married over 30 years and I still remember.
I agree that the real point is to say “thank you,” in whatever form that may take. Because we now have so many options, I try to think about the best way to reach the person giving the gift. For many people older than me, I do send a personal note via mail because that is what we were brought up to do. However, my parents (in their late 70s) get tickled by receiving text messages, so I remind my kids to send thank you texts.
I would rather have an email or text thank you than nothing because what I really want is to make sure that the recipient received their gift.
My daughter received an approximately $800 scholarship from our church and refuses to send them a thank you. I am having some serious issues over that as that is not the way I was brought up.
I agree with you! As a faculty member, I have written many a note/letter describing why a student should be considered for a scholarship with a particular group. In many instances, the organization has spent many hours selecting their recipiants and these individulas are volunteering their time. This erosion of common courtesy does make folks feel unappreciated for extending their time and effort.
When I was a child, I was not allowed to have the gift until I’d mailed the Thank You card. I have continued this tradition with my children.
Well Mom, make her!
No, No, and No. They are not a thing of the past, not corny, and not needed. I have fallen off of my plan, but I was putting on my agenda to write 1 – 3 notes a week. For small things but thing that counted to me. I was amazed at the feedback from others. Simple and honest, direct and real, the notes with written words make an impact that NOTHING else does. Not a pricey gift, not a long-winded phone call, not a return visit. The written note is alive and well, and deeply appreciated inside a person. Try it. Receive one. They are truly wonderful.
Thank you notes are not a generational thing. I have received beautifully written notes of appreciation from people in their 20′s and 30′s+. I’m not sure if there is a geographical element… i live in charleston, sc but thank you notes are commonplace – thank goodness!
Your Mom and mine went to the same school!
I think it’s sad that people don’t take time to write via snail mail for the truly special and important things such as sincere thank you notes. All around we see considerate manners declining and I believe letting traditional niceties like Thank you notes go is part of it.
Amy
I feel like a Thank you note is very important. I always sent them out to someone who gives me a gift or has done something special for me.
I guess I’m old fashion when it comes to this, but I spend a lot of time thinking of the perfect gift to send and when I get a e-mail thank you reply I wish I had just emailed them of picture of what I was going to send them!
HI
I totally agree, I think in this rushing around world of our a little courtesy and good manners go a long way. There is nothing I enjoy most that going to the mail box to find a nice hand written note or letter addressed to me! It makes me feel like someone has taken the time to think of me and taken the time to write tome personally!
It is a dying art, but one that would surely be missed if we let it disappear completely!
Tink
I too, enjoy the art of sitting down and composing a heartfelt thank you note. I think of the person who will be receiving my note and how they will respond and then chose my words accordingly. I have quite the collection of monogrammed stationary and adore using it. Thanks is thanks but a thank you will not be soon forgotten. I am so disappointed that the simple etiquette of writing notes seems to have gone by the wayside, as have manners. I am thrilled to see that others love the old fashioned thank you note as well.
One of my favorite gifts to give is monogrammed stationary and cards along with pens and stamps. One can only hope that these gifts will be cherished and used by the recipient and the love of writing will live on.
A “thank you” note does not have to be a thing of the past if we don’t let it. Manners and good upbringing never go out of style. (just my two cents)
Amen! Sister.
For my Aunt’s birthday I send her beautiful Thank You notes. She is the queen of thank you’s!
I think there actually occasions when both snail mail AND hand written thank you’s are proper if you want to “be safe” and not insult someone you are trying to thank. Once upon a time a good friend invited 3 other friends to her home for a “Mongolian Hotpot” dinner, complete with very elegantly set table using unique traditional chinese utensils, plates etc. She had gone to a lot of work with shopping, cleaning, and cooking. The meal was on a Friday night; it was very exotic in presentation and I felt as if I had travelled to a foreign land! I put a handwritten card into the mail on Saturday knowing it wouldn’t get to her house until Monday. She emailed me on Sunday to see if I had enjoyed the meal, making me feel that perhaps today, for the really “grand-scale” deserving effort she had made for her friends, that the proper etiquitte would have been to send an immediate email thanks and also a hand written note!!
My 86 yr. old mom calls them bread and butter notes.
Funny you should say this. I just remembered this term yesterday.
Handwritten mail is always the first mail I open mixed in with all the bills and marketing materials. I enjoy receiving a handwritten note. I have two grandchildren who are too young to read but I try to send them a handwritten note each month, if only to say thank you for making my life so happy. I will find a cute picture in a book or old card put it on the color copier and make them a card. They get excited to see the envelope and carry it around all day.