What is most people’s biggest fear?
You might think it’s fear of dying. Or, if you’ve taken speaking classes, you might have heard it’s fear of public speaking.
But research done by Richard Leiber, author of “Power of Purpose,” revealed people’s #1 fear to be having lived a meaningless life.
Death itself doesn’t seem as frightening to us as not having fully lived our own unique lives.
We fear we’ll go to our grave having never made our mark, never “sung our song.”
We want to “rage against the dying of the light” as Dylan Thomas wrote, by having created a light of our own that illuminates the way for others.
Could this be your biggest fear? Deep beneath the day to day concerns and worries about the future, could you really be most afraid of a life without meaning?
We All Want to Matter
With my coaching clients, I’ve noticed that a person can have success, money, and a life that looks good on the outside yet still be experiencing unrest or distress. Something is missing, even though they may not know what it is.
As Richard Bolles, author of What Color is Your Parachute?says,
“We want to feel that we are not just another grain of sand lying on the beach called humanity . . . but that we are born and put here for some unique reason to contribute to Life on earth something no one else can contribute in the same way . . . Searching for reassurance that the world is at least a little bit richer for your being here and a little bit poorer after you’re gone.”
However you name it — meaning, purpose, calling, mission, significance — we all have a deep need to feel that we matter. We want to know that our presence here on earth makes a difference.
This doesn’t mean you have to win the Nobel Peace Prize, paint the Mona Lisa, or cure cancer. Although it could!
It might be smiling at people you see on the street, being a loving grandparent, mentoring young people, volunteering at Hospice, or starting a new business to help people in some way.
However big or small, it’s your own creative contribution to life, to making the world a better place by your presence in it.
Meaning After 50
This desire to live a meaningful life, to contribute, to make a difference doesn’t disappear at 50 or 60 or 70 or 80.
Richard Leiber says about the people in their 70s and 80s who he interviewed for his book,
“Given a second chance, they would have done more to insure leaving their distinctive marks on the world, marks that others would remember them by after they were gone. . . They wanted to leave behind something unique, something that would demonstrate their time on earth wasn’t spent in vain.”
At some point after 50, you realize you’ve lived more than half your life. You’re more aware than ever that life is short and you don’t know how much time is left. But you also realize you could have 30 or more good years.
Without purpose or meaning, those years could be dull and dreary. Lifeless. Meaningless.
Discover and do what really matters to you, make the difference you want to make in the world so these will be exciting, fulfilling, and joyous years. Maybe even the best years of your life!
Now What?
I’ve got some ideas about how to discover and live a meaningful life. More on that in the next few weeks.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. Do you want more meaning in your life? What is meaningful to you at this time in your life? How do you find and live what really matters to you?
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I loved your blog! Yes, we in our 50′s and beyond really are into what is the mean of our life??? How can we make a difference?
I will share with you my clients I had yesterday. I am an home health aid. My client has late stages Alzheimer disease, she is fading fast. Sadly, her husband is in total denial. Yesterday she said with her arms open wide “come her dear” as he approached her I sang, ” here comes the bride. “ She was so excited, ” I am a bride,” she said. The husbands eyes were filled with tears, they have been married for 65 years. Can you imagine 65 years? Now seeing his wife who doesn’t really know who he is… My role is to make his days a bit easier and lighter, amidst the stress he is under.
My joy is bringing joy to others. I created a wonderful memory for him. She is a shell, every 10 minutes she asks ” who are you?” I can’t imagine how he must feel. All I can do is bring joy, and laughter in these final moments of their lives.
Let us not wallow in the sadness, but look for a glimmer of light. How can we find something positive here?
I believe you come alive, and really come into who you are when you find your passion. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOUR ARE DRAWN TO… I did… We have a calling, too often there is so much noise & busyness in our world we don’t pay attention to it… Listen, there is a voice without words…
My fear is not touching others. God wants us to be lights. I want to make my light shine. Someday I hope to do mission work. Not for me, but for others. To make a difference. I do think it is what we all really want to do…
Bless you for your blog…may it be thought provoking for us all…
Fear is the enemy of our joy. I mean true joy, not the silly, giggly laughter joy. But that also. Fear is a wall,made of stones built from our uncertainties. Every time we decided that the harsh judge within us had greater wisdom than our God given intuition, fear built another stone.
The beauty of stones is that they can be moved, and used to create a wall of beauty. They can be crushed and used to pave a magical new path leading to the adventure of your dreams.
They can be painted and transformed into an exciting sculpture.
The important thing is to remember, that you created the wall of stones in the first place. You are the liberator. No need to wait for someone else to release you.
It may sound too simplistic, but, like the furniture in your house, when it no longer serves your purpose, either move it around, or chuck it out altogether.
Joy allows us to MOVE.
Fear stops that movement.
Love it! I loved the analogy of stones, really paints the picture…
That is a great analogy. We know that not everyone reading in a forum comments. In fact, most do not. I bet you’ve moved people with this, even if they may not say so. Thanks!
This is so beautifully stated. I agree with you 100%. I am sure that you are a blessing to so many people, who enter your life. I would love to sit down and have a conversation with you, over a cup of tea or coffee. I think, I would feel like I’ve just walked on water and I can’t even swim. What a great attitude. Thanks for sharing your insight, about this journey called life.
thanks for an extremely interesting comment. I totally agree.
Hi, Birdlover! Thank you for your kind words about my blog.
What a lovely story re the brided. How blessed your clients are that you followed your call & to have you in their lives! I can tell you are bringing great joy & light to the world.
Okay – so here I am enjoying my first cuppa of the day and breezing through vibrant nation looking for something to hang my thoughts onto and come across your wonderful article. A mystical, magical word and emotions is fear. And I agree with some of what you said, and of course, have to be subjective about my experiences, myths and response to same.
Haven’t read R. Bolles book, and may do one day. For today, I would like to disagree with his metaphor of being just a grain of sand on the beach, for I believe that in so many ways that is exactly what I am. In the great Cosmic Universe I think so. However within my own mind, body and spirit I am the entire world. And — it all depends on what is going on today. We all know we can go hour to hour and almost not have to pay attention to circumstances, and, at times we must focus and realize our fears.
For myself, I am reminded of the Jewish Rabbie (I think his name was Tevye) lying on his death bed with tears streaming down his face and the young Rabbies around him were shocked and surprised and asked him why, - when he had been a master of the spirit and his religiion and himself and his people.
His reply is what impressed me. ‘If my Lord asks me why was I not a Moses, I can say honestly, ‘I was not born a Moses’ – and If he asks why was I not Ezekiel, I can again reply – I was not born an Ezekiel’ but what if he asks why were not a Tevye?’
So, that’s one (only one) of my fears. Am I myself, warts and all, or do I wear masks to suit circumstances within and beyond my control??
Glad you liked the article, Maggie. Thks for adding in some of your thoughts & perspectives. As well as sharing one of your fears.
What does living a meaningful life mean? That’s the question I find myself with. If I think it means having a family and I don’t have one is my life meaningless? If I think it means contributing and I can’t find evidence that I’m contributing is my life meaningless? If I think…….maybe that’s the thing that gets in the way of knowing. What if I simply say I Am?
I don’t know what makes a life meaningful. My greatest fear is, perhaps, not that my life is meaningless, but that change will come no more. I will have no more new beginnings, no more falling in love, no more new experiences that delight my soul. My greatest fear is that nothing will change, that the way things are are the way they will always be.
I am 55 and find myself at a crossroads. The things that have been important to me and given my life meaning don’t so much any more. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know where I’m going. I just know that I have to get there. I am filled with joy and insecurity, with unsteady determination.
I’ve always lived my own life my own way and trusted that being the best me was the best thing I could do for everyone. I have no regrets, but, what I had and what I have is not what I want now. The trouble is that I don’t know what I want now. I don’t know who I am. I know who I was and who I think I am. I don’t know me.
I know that I am not my job, my home, my friendships that I lost, the fits I pitched, the dramas I created, I am not my fears, I am not my passionate excesses. I could fill a page with what I’m not. Who am I and what gives my life meaning? I don’t have a clue. Do you?
Hi watermusic,
I know one thing that you are…you’re a writer with “soul”. I love what you wrote and felt every word of it!
I think that you have hit upon so many “truths”. You are not your job, home, past friendships, your fits or dramas, fears, or passionate excesses, etc., etc. In your opening paragraph, you wrote “What if I simply say I am?” Perhaps that is it…you are simply ‘I am”. I mean, why not?
We gather all of these ‘things’ throughout our lives, beliefs dramas/traumas, relationships, home, jobs, well, all of it, but none of these can alter the quality of the ‘original I am’ that you are. This ‘essential nature’ has permeated all of your lifelong ‘doings’ and remains untouched by any of the exterior ‘happenings’. You, in essence, are the same as you were the day you were born.
We carry with us our life and memories and they seem to be our ‘reality’, but we are so much more. This life pulls us into it, like a huge magnet, but it cannot tarnish our essence, our I am-ness. After all is “said and done” we remain, “simply, I am”.
Fear, in it’s various forms, will be with us until we die, but much fear is unnecessary. If a car is coming at you, you jump in fear, but negative imagination is the greatest cause of most of our fears. Fear is just one ‘ingredient’ in the drama/recipe of life.
Is any of this meaningful? I think enjoying ‘the trip’ is as meaningful as it gets. As we age, different things may become meaningful. I go through my days noticing beauty in all its forms. It is often hidden.
A lovely quote:
“Loving can cost a lot but no loving always costs more and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life”
—————————-
Evie, I couldn’t agree more. I like my personality, I like myself but they are not a good source of security. I want lasting peace and ease and I believe that comes from being aware of who I am as a soul and a part of the universe that is not seperate from any of us. Nothing outside myself will bring lasting anything. I’ve always known that. It’s been a fun ride getting to know life through Debra, I would like to know life through I Am, my soul self that is one with creation and all that is. I heard in meditation “Have confidence in my love for you.” I want to know that part of me more and have it play a greater role in my life than I’ve let it. I want to know that voice, that ”my” and I think it’s not outside myself but is really the me I most want to know.
Hi Debra,
I wanted to answer this even though I will see you next week!
Sometimes, our writings are ‘clearer’ than the spoken word!
I like the way you express your thoughts! “Lasting peace and ease” ah, yes, I hear you! Is it possible that ‘peace and ease’ only comes when we give up on expecting them? Lol
Perhaps, embracing ‘it all’ as it arrives (good or bad) ‘on the scene’, is contentment? I know I have resisted life ‘as it is’ forever!! That is my job, of late, to just except what is (happening), do what I can , and drop the rest!
I still ‘fight life’ and its dualistic nature! At times! I think ‘I am’ lives in a very neutral space, a space we only visit when we are off guard and not manipulating life. It unfolds, as it will, and I wonder how much we have to say about anything!
”Have confidence in my love for you” is pretty much right on. We are shaken by the objectified world and fear too often rules! It’s difficult for us to put confidence and love in the same sentence! And yet, intuitively, we know we are more than our fear! Life, in a way is our test. Can we lose ‘it all’ but our contentment, our love?
Well, food for thought. We sound pretty serious for couple of fun gals!!
I’m looking forward to lunch. I look pretty much like my picture. I am fun! I do tend to explore the many dimensions of reality though. A principal told me once that my problem was that I function on several different levels of reality at once when most people function on one or two and what’s worse, I try to bring them into harmony. I thought he was nuts. He was right. Who knew. My job is the same, accept what is and drop the rest. I don’t like what brought me to this point, but I’m thankful for it. I try and keep a place set for magic and be vigilant about who I invite into my inner world, Spirit or ego. The more present I am in the moment the more content I am and the less my ego is involved. It should be so easy and I find it challenging none the less. I’ll see you next week.
Hello Ms. water…!
Thanks for sharing some more!
So much of me thinks that having fun, enjoying life, is ‘why we are here’. I’ve been so serious, read and studied most of ‘the books’ and just want to relax, free from ‘seeking’ anything.
I’ve been “in search of the miraculous’ for over half of my life. Letting go, feeling free from the search, feels good…not that I don’t still listen to CD”s!
I’m looking forward to Tuesday, too!
Hi, Watermusic! Thanks for adding your ideas to this delightful mix.
It sounds like you’re in a time of big transition. “At a crossroads,” as you say. I know these times can be challenging and I also believe they’re part of, and essential to, the unfolding of our lives.
You’ve reminded me of this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
”A big transition.” Yes, but how is that possible and why. I have a job that I like most of the time and am pretty good at. I’m not getting divorced, have kids leaving, getting married or moving. Any of those things would signify a transition and I’m not seeing it.
I love Rilke, and this is my favorite quote. It was so appropriate when I twenty, how is it possible that it’s still appropriate? I have an inner image of myself walking across a canyon on a tight rope perfectly balanced. “I don’t know where I’m going but I have to get there.” Chopra.
Hi, watermusic!
Ah, it is possible because transitions come from internal shifts as well as external changes (getting divorced, job loss) The internal shifts aren’t necessarily associated with an external event.
In this thread you wrote ”The things that have been important to me and given my life meaning don’t so much any more. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know where I’m going.” These and some of your other comments here say to me you’re in the midst of a transtion that is internally caused.
I’m going to post a little something on VN later today re transitions. There’s so much more to say about transitions & I may write more about them at some point.
In the meantime, in case you’re interested, I’ve found William Bridges classic book, “Transitions” to be the most helpful resource I’ve found on this subject.
You nailed my biggest fear. For months, maybe as long as two years, I have been wrestling with a restless emptiness that I can not quite get a handle on. Career (aka “meaning, purpose, calling, mission, significance”) has always been important to me. Perhaps too much so. I am lost without a project.
For most of my adult years, I have been in positions that fulfilled my desire to “make a difference” through science, counseling, teaching, mentoring. Doors opened. We moved several times due to my husbands career. I found my niche wherever we went. I usually brought energy, creativity, dependability and a desire to do my personal best to every opportunity. I had great references.
Now I find myself in positions that are not as fulfilling, either because of the job description or the management or a combination of both. Doors are closing. It has been two years and I just have not found a good fit. Of course, I am now over 50, hit periomenopause, gained 15-20 lbs., have lost my spark, and with all of the “No’s” I am hitting, my confidence is shaken. I just can’t get anyone to interview me and when they do, I can’t project that same lightness of being I once had. There is a heaviness about me that I am sure people pick up on. Is my age? Am I invisible like so many others have spoke of?
So, given my biggest fear, which is really my greatest desire, is to bring meaning to the remainder of my working years, how can I reconcile my desire with the reality of age discrimination?
I have so many marketable skills…how can I channel all of this into a dynamic 10-15 more years as a productive worker?
Lightness, this is a tip someone told me. Whatever quality you want, say or sing it 10 times in 10 different ways. It’s odd but effective. I’ve gone through that heaviness that you speak of and it passes. I still have my spark but I’m not sure why. A guy told me once that what set me apart was that I still had fire in my belly. I’m not sure where that comes from though. What reassured me was seeing a couple of friends in their sixties live a life they never expected in a very pleasant way. Life can change on a dime. I noticed that Hollywood really celebrated people in their elder years as though they had something valuable to contribute. I didn’t think I saw that in my profession and stopped looking for it. I saw that my role in the community had changed and I needed to change with it. I sometimes joke though that there’s never an ice floe when you need it, so I get what you’re saying. I keep trying to bring the best me I can to the situation. Most of the times it’s because I’ve gotten a little p.o.ed and developed an I’ll show you attitude. “You think I can’t___? I’ll show you!” Probably a healthier approach is to accept what is and look for the gifts. That’s easier said than done. Good luck, I don’t think this is particularly helpful, but it’s the best I’ve got. I just refuse to be limited by other people’s perception of reality. I don’t even want to be limited by mine.
Lightness and watermusic,
I hear you both, so well. there is an invisibility that seems to descend when we hit our fifties. I didn’t notice this at all throughout my forties, but I think about 55, it happened.
In my younger years, teens through thirties, I was surrounded by friends, co-workers, life was full, even hectic! I was in the “hub” so to speak! Lol
If I needed a new job, no problem, I got it. I made friends easily and my phone never stopped ringing! The children grew up, left home, I got divorced and became invisible, in what seemed like, overnight!
I gained weight, as well, and the emptiness was overwhelming! I was alone, in my little condo, blind dog, ticking clock, and a big fat zero on my answering machine!! What happened to everybody…where did they go?
People had scattered after the divorce, gal friends had married, moved away (passed away), couples no longer included me, etc.
Fortunately, I had started a few things that required a solitary kind of existence, oil painting (hobby), voracious love of reading, crocheting…’old lady’ things! Lol
I put an add in a local newspaper (Creative Loafing) and started a book club. This changed everything for me! I had up to twenty members and became the ‘mom’ of the group! Some of them called me mom!
Even that drifted away, in time.
Having said all of this, I know that those years of ‘being in the hub’ are over for me. I have reconciled myself to it. When men look ‘through’ me instead of at me, I inwardly shrug…I shrug at a lot of things, these days! Lol
I don’t have “fire in the belly” that much…only when I see a small child or animal being mistreated…my dragon comes out, big time!!! I admire that spirit and saw it in my mother. She was tiny, but would roll her sleeves up and take on the big guys!!
Thanks for sharing, ladies! I think we ‘older ladies’ have so much to offer, so let’s keep at it!
P.s. My voice isn’t that great (although we do karaoke, anyway)…I do like the singing idea!
Hi, Evie! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I never felt like the hub so haven’t felt that loss. We all have much in common and yet we’re all so different. That’s part of what makes VN so interesting to me.
Thanks for the tip. I will sing my heart out tomorrow morning! My spark will be back because I will fight for it. I am NOT going down. I have seen too many people pack it up and take a spot on the sofa. I refuse to be limited by age. As Anne Lamott said, “I am all the ages I have ever been.” It is time for me to take better care, to refresh, to exercise, to quit that dang sugar (www.firstourselves.com), to direct my efforts in a new direction. Accept the things I can not change, find courage to change the things I can…
~bb
Hi, Lightness! You’re getting great responses from others on the deeper parts of your post. I’ll just throw out this question to you . . . What if your next work was on your own, self-employed, starting your own biz?
Yes. Great responses. I am not alone!
Thank you for the suggestion. Have you started your own biz?
I am working as a contractor at the moment and have considered going into business. My reason for choosing this contractor position was to test the waters on being self-directed & self-motivated. It is OK. Perhaps my own biz would rekindle the fire. My fear is about the $$$. My potential “clients” are all struggling financially, so I wonder how well I would be able to sell my services. My focus is environmental sustainability…management strategies & the science behind our choices. Right now I work with public schools.
Hi, Lightness!
I mentioned self-employment to you because I’m seeing more people doing this in response to the economy, job loss, or reaching “retirement” but not ready to be done with work.
Self-employment is definitely not for everyone. And there are pros and cons. Each person has to choose what will work best for them.
Barbara Winter is writing about this stuff here on VN. For example, this post.
http://www.vibrantnation.com/live-it-lists/2009/06/30/8-things-i-wish-id-known-before-i-started-a-business/?utm_campaign=The%20secret%20to%20getting%20a%20second%
As for me, I’ve been self-employed for nearly 20 years. “Savoring Your Sixties” is my 3rd biz. For 2 of the businesses I’ve been married, making money not an issue. That makes a big difference, I know.
Thanks Bonnie,
For the past few days I have been thinking about my own business more than ever before. Maybe it was the little prodding in your post the other day. I chose this path (consulting) in order to free myself up for adjuncting, more consulting, more flexibility. Perhaps what is going on with me is FEAR…letting go of the benefits, employer contributions to retirement, etc. in order to work as a contractor has kicked up some real fears now that I let that go. I did not want to be dependent upon an employer (and therefore trapped) for my livelihood. I do not need the benefits, but some of the other perks are hard to let go of.
I will read the posts about self-employment. Thanks again.
~BB
Hi, lightness!
Sounds like you’ve got some energy about self-employment. (As well as fear, which is normal.) I’d say follow your energy and your curiosity to see where that leads you. Keep us posted on how this path unfolds for you.
Wow, what a great conversation on this topic! Thanks to all of you who have responded so far and to those of you who are just reading, without commenting (that’s fine, too).
my biggest fear is my spouse is into missmanaging our$.
And Im the last to know! he had a life of mom bailing himout of everything!!
no shes gone,nowhat. and if Id leave him & the foolishness. ID be a rat ,cause hes a man with a bad heart.
But hes pulled b/s long before also.
Hi, pmc! Well, some fears are just made up in our mind. Other fears are real and best addressed. If your husband IS messing up your financial future, I hope you will do whatever you need to do NOW to protect and take care of yourself.
Great piece — thank you. Ernest Becker wrote in The Denial of Death: “The only worthwhile preoccupation of man [or woman]: What is one’s true talent, his secret gift, his authentic vocation? What does a person dedicate him or herself to beyond the purely personal?” I’ve invested a lot of time and thought in these questions, with guidance from a wonderful mentor, and now my own work is devoted to working with folks who are on a path toward meaning. Always glad to see others thinking about these things, too.
Hi, Pam! Glad you liked it. Thks for spreading the word on Twitter too. Sounds like you’ve found a path with meaning for yourself.
Hi pammcallister,
Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” is a wonderful book, as well. When one is stripped of everything, what is left? He witnessed that some never lost their integrity, their love.
What you are doing is the highest sense of ‘right’, by helping others to find meaning.
As victor Fankl said, “The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs”.
That is one of my favorite books and one I’ve referenced or mentioned several times this past weeks.
Hi Watermusic!
It’s a great book to keep handy! Mr. Frankl knew what fear, surviving, meaning and purpose was all about! He lived in h*ll and saw what it did to people! It brought out the best and the worst!!
The real survivors never lost their love or their desire to help… their purpose. He described how one woman gave her scrap of a blanket to someone who seemed worse off than she was. Also, a woman who was dying, but felt such joy when she could see a little bird outside her window. The human spirit is amazing!!
I have worked hard all of my life and now, things have slowed down a bit. I am in ‘charge’ of my day. Well, sometimes my hubby takes over my day!
Anyway, everyday I try to do some constructive physical work…housework, yard work, cooking/baking, etc., something helpful for my family, friends…even if it is a card/note of encouragement, and something that involves my spiritual growth…reading, listening to a CD, writing. If I touch upon all of these things, I can sleep peacefully. I feel like my day has been meaningful/constructive!
Being very conscious of the beauty all around us adds such meaning!! xo’s
Hi, Evie! I love what you wrote about how you make your day meaningful and constructive with the “little” things.
Your comments re beauty remind me of this phrase I heard years ago & still say each day, “May I see only beauty, feel only love.”
Pretty good words to live by, don’t you think? I don’t always succeed at this, of course, and I think it’s a very powerful intention.
Oh, yes…so much beauty and love all around us!!! We tend to take so much for granted and fall asleep to the brilliant sun rays as they light up our rooms!
Sometimes, when I’m ‘out and about’ I watch for kindness, thoughtfulness, acts of love around me. It might be someone doing something as simple as holding a door open! Observing people doing ‘good deeds’ sweetens my days!!
We have to be very aware to see/feel beauty and love!
I had this fear in my 20s. I latched onto Thoreau’s quote and used it like a clarion call: I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realized that I had never fully lived.
That call has taken me to fabulous places and helped me to have adventures….some great, some painful, but lessons all. Now I feel a pulling toward nesting and settling down, and I realize that many settled years ago. Now my fear is being alone at the end, but if that happens, that is okay too. I’ve lived my life on my own terms and am willing to go out on them too. However, I believe in God, luck, kharma, and the law of attractiion. I just know there is a retired navy man who loves to cook and who has a cottage in Key West, just waiting for me to share his sunsets with.
Hi, Dr. She! Sounds like you found a way to focus your life early on that that worked well for you. Your clear, detailed statement about that navy man made me smile and made a lovely picture in my mind of exactly what you want. May he show up soon!
Since there’s been some talk of transition on this thread, I thought I’d post a link to my latest VN post which has some tips for transitions.
http://www.vibrantnation.com/our-blog-circle/savoring-your-sixties/3-tips-for-dealing-with-tough-transitions/
Loved the piece on transitions. Thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome! Glad you liked it.