Femininity, a dusty old, out of fashion concept? Or, Southern belle strikes again

Naivite’ being one of my strong suits, I’ve been surprised by some of the responses to my “Confessions of a Southern Belle.” It was supposed to be a funny piece, a spoof if you will. An old cliche marched out to make a point and get a laugh. I had no idea there were so many who wouldn’t “get the joke” (not to mention the truth buried in the joke). Obviously the whole subject hits a nerve for a lot of us, understandably conflicted as we are re issues regarding “femininity.”

“Femininity” Now there’s a dusty, old, out of fashion concept.

Admit it. You had some sort of reaction when you read that oh so loaded word – didn’t you?

Face it, most of us, particularly I think, our generation, are conflicted to some degree. We don’t know quite what to make of, or do with, our “feminine” selves. Not just “female”, but “feminine”. It has implications. After all, we spent our childhoods in the 50′s and early 60′s where the lines were clear – women were women and men were men. But by the time we came of age, there was Gloria Steinam herself pushing us into a brave new world of bra burning equality and ceiling crashing opportunity (she actually came and spoke to us at our all women’s college – Yes, even in Virginia!).

When I carted out the phrase “Southern Belle” it hit a raw, but dormant, nerve dead center. Conjuring, as it does, long laid to rest images of pretty, pampered, air heads batting long lashes and protesting too much, it tends to rub us the wrong way. We’re SO much better than that. We’re SO much smarter than that. We’re SO almost phobic about that. Air heads indeed.

I met a younger woman this summer, whose mother – slightly older than I am – wouldn’t allow her, as a child, to do any of the girly things she was drawn to – sewing, knitting, cooking, playing with dolls. She was a good student, and a good athlete, so she was told to focus on that and leave all that silliness alone. Presumably, she could then “make something of herself” (i.e. compete with men at their own game – or…rectify her mother’s long held resentment that she, herself, had missed the bus to the land of equal opportunity?). Well, Mom was right, it was indeed possible, this little girl grew up to be a doctor, not just any old doctor, but the head honcho in an emergency room. Way to go Mom. Only now, this same little girl is a full time Mom herself with an expertise in old roses, and a knitting blog! (Oh dear, oh dear, where have we gone wrong?)

The first response to the Southern Belle post was from Maria Grazia Swan. A Vibrant Nation member I met last winter in Arizona, and a “Belle” if there ever was one, though Italian not “southern.” Born and raised in Italy in the days when women were most definitely women. Maria is a pistol, and nothing if not feminine (read “In Search of Youth and Designer Shoes,”). Hardly one for mincing words, Maria tells it like it is.

Here was her response to “Southern Belle”:

“Dear Sarah, in my humble opinion you should leave your cliches locked away in the closet before you sit down to hit the keyboard.”

Woah… where did that come from? I decided to take the high road by acknowledging the cliche and explaining the joke. Of course it’s a cliche, but a cliche that reveals a basic truth, as so often they do. What I really wanted to say was “For God’s sake Maria, lighten up!” Or maybe point out that, as far as mastering the art of feminine wiles, an Italian “Femme Fatal” trumps a “Southern Belle” any day of the week. I think they wrote the book.

And then the one from Suze, the angry, southern lady who obviously feels downtrodden and hopeless as a woman in the south, not “Bellish” at all. Her experience is real, and not restricted to the South, I’ve seen women here in New England who look every bit as trapped and desperate. From her point of view, the whole “Belle” business must just piss her off. Understandable. Again, I apologized, and acknowledged the cliche, not appropriate to all certainly. But I also pointed out that there’s a double edge to this “look good and play nice” sword. “The danger to be avoided in playing “Belle” is falling for the whole business yourself. ‘Buying your own press,’ as they say. Not having the opportunity, or the instinct, to know that you CAN take care of yourself if need be can result in stifling dependance – witting or un. There’s the trap. But, older and wiser now, I’ve learned the hard way, and with the gift of perspective, have learned to ‘play’ when appropriate, and laugh at myself always.”

Last but hardly least, one of the editors at Vibrant Nation commented on “handling heated discussions with grace and humor.” She then asked, “Is that also a southern thing?”

My answer is “Yes.” I do think handling difficulties with grace and humor is exactly the way real Southern ladies – as in gracious ladies raised in the South – do it. Contentiousness being unpleasant and unfeminine, steering around it lets everyone save face. It’s an art, and easier to pull off in this electronic venue where there’s a little space and time to collect yourself and your defensive overreactions. It rarely pays to antagonize. Start by looking for common ground, something you can agree on, then assume the best of intentions, allow that there may have been misunderstandings, and leaven with laughter wherever possible. Voila! With any luck, you have diffused (and de-fused) a difficult situation.

And maybe even managed to look like a Southern Belle!

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