What determines a sexless marriage? Experts define a sexless marriage as a couple who has sex less than 10 times a year. What many don’t know is that there are an astounding 40 million Americans experiencing sexless marriages today! That’s close to 20% of American couples. Women have been confiding in Pure Romance Consultants for almost two decades on a bevy of topics on sexuality, including sexless marriage. However, I was so excited to see this issue be pushed to the mainstream public on an episode of Good Morning America this week.
It’s so great to see that people are finally coming out from behind closed doors and being open and honest about this trend. After this segment aired, there were countless posts on their Facebook and comments on their website from other couples who found themselves in the same predicament and I truly believe that when we open up about these issues it gives others courage to do the same.
What that moved me the most about the couple featured on this show was their commitment to identifying their personal issues, and also the husband’s willingness to do whatever it took to get their relationship back on track in the bedroom. In this case, he said he never had a high sex drive to begin with and was dealing with anger and esteem issues associated with unemployment. To make things worse, he had prostate problems that were also affecting sex but didn’t want to incur the medical bills to follow up with it. In spite of all of this, he didn’t want to lose her and the fact that he was willing to put in the work showed his wife that he loved her enough to take whatever steps it took to make it right.
Too often nowadays, one or both people give up or try to find the easy way out; at the end of the day it’s work and if you love one another, it’s worth the effort. One of the biggest mistakes people can make is saying “nothing will work” or presume things are supposed to just happen naturally when it comes to intimacy. This can quickly become a self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy.
Think about all of the things we set time aside for in our lives. Many of us make time to improve at work and advance in our jobs, but yet we think that our relationships don’t deserve the same kind of attention? Complacency is one of the biggest intimacy killers. It may not sound sexy to some to have to schedule time for sex but by doing this you are saying to one another that it’s a priority. I loved the Good Morning America expert, Terry Real’s quote that often times it’s not a sex issue, but a “getting into the bedroom issue.” I completely agreed with him that sex doesn’t always have to be the immediate goal, but to start with baby steps by just committing to set time aside in the bedroom to be sensual, touch one another and encourage intimacy.
This has been the foundation of Pure Romance’s mission since day one. Our Consultants are encouraging women to empower themselves in and out of the bedroom and to find ways to set time aside or stimulate their intimate relationships, whether it be with something as mild as a massage aid or couple’s game or as adventurous as a bedroom toy. It’s not the products that are improving intimacy — they are simply fun tools that create pleasure and help opening the doors of communication. By sharing each other’s desires and needs couples keeping alive this vital but often overlooked aspect in a long-term relationship.
| A Woman’s Guide to Great Sex After 50: Get this Vibrant expert's advice for getting your mind, body and relationship ready for pleasure |
i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
What happens when your partner has allowed himself to get fat and unattractive? I find that a real turn-off.
I agree with DeeGee. Love is not in how someone looks, it’s what’s inside. If the outside has become unattractive, I believe that’s because there are much deeper issues.
That’s a good question. although when I met and married my husband he was only around 335 but he is also 6’3 and he held it well. now 11 years later married for 10 he is way over 400 and has been for quite some time now at least 8 years, I have gained around 40 lbs since being with him, and I weigh 295, I am 5’9. He loves everything from junk and fried foods where I love vegetables and chicken. So hard to cook for him so I let him do his own thing and well he has gained over 150 lbs because of it. We have not had any sex of any kind in 8 yrs. that’s right 8 yrs. Before he gained all the weight we were just like newlyweds all the time any time. He is 45 and I am 54 now. Much as I dislike my size I dislike his even more. He is a computer nerd and plays games on the computer all the time. He will not do any form of exercise not even walking for a few minutes. I have decided not to be his enabler and so I am eating healthier. I asked if he wants anything like from subway and he will say no I already ate. so I just let him be. Don’t get me wrong I have tried to cook for him for awhile but he wants potatoes and bread with everything. and I don’t cook those foods because I am a type 2 diabetic fortunately he isn’t. I work all day so i am not in for being a short order cook. He has a good heart and nice looking in the face. but who wants to go on a hunt, you know what I mean. Neither of us have any desire and we don’t discuss it ever.
thanks for listening
Janice kaye
I think one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship is to maintain a good sense of humor and a genuine love and respect for your partner. I believe part of the problem is the media… Often, we wouldn’t think we had a “problem” if we weren’t bombarded with information 24/7. No two couples live the exact same lives…What is normal and comfortable for one couple may not be for another, especially when you reach our stage of life. Personally, I think a lot of this information is to promote a book or a so called expert in the field. I have interviewed hundreds of people through the years for human interest stories…I am fascinated by couples who are happily married for 50, 60 even 70 years. I think they are the real experts!
I agree with you , Debi…If my beloved husband and I listened to all the information out there, be “experts” about how much and how often, and what kind of sex a loving married couple should have, we would think ourselves to be complete failures…..We LOVE each other….for almost 32 years have been partners together through, thin and thick….poor, rich and now poor again….raising two outstanding children and not enjoying our wonderful grandchildren….We are certainly not perfect….but, both have grown up a lot during the years. We have argued, fought (verbally) and painfully disagreed on different things…..but, thankfully, we work our way through it all….No, we are not sexually or physically, or even emotionally attracted to each other at ALL times….But, the commitments we made and vows we took, take presidance over all flighty feeling…Of course we try to stay honest and do not abuse each other, so when it comes down to it, we still like each other the same if not more than when we first met…..He tells me almost every day, “thank you for marring me and staying married to me” and I say “No, thank you”!! We want to be one of those couples that are living together for 50 plus years…and if health stays with us, God willing, we will be! =]
Oh brother. Another label. Yet another reason I’m suppose to feel like I’m a loser or in the very least, falling behind again in something.
Another study to tell us that we’re just not perfect enough. Whoever did that study & came up with the numbers (how important is that!), I think they should take one of your little play toys & shove it up their *&#!.
While I agree with the blog that many times there are other issues that need to be addressed & effort put into resolving them to make a marriage stronger, I wonder if anyone asked these ‘sexless’ couples if they enjoyed the quality over the quantity now? If a good hug kept them in a smile for the day? Why must one’s libido by the barometer for how much two people love each other?!
After 32 years my marriage is better than it has ever been, & yes, we still find time for the passionate side, but….I guess it’s maybe just almost enough times but maybe not quite. (I’ve long gone quit adding notches to my bedpost). I guess that means that this wonderful groove my hubby & I have cuddled ourselves into, with mutual respect & consideration for each others views, interests & ideals…well, I suppose we’re just going to have to go back to that proverbial drawing board & see what it is that’s holding me off from having maybe one more orgasm more per year so that someone elses G spot will be satisfied with our naked efforts. Maybe if I started getting Brazillian waxes then my husband will start daydreaming about me at work & come home, say once every 20 days (is that enough?), rip off my orthopedic runners & make passionate love to me on top of the heating pad on the lazy boy chair. Geesh.
Give me a break Romantic people. I’m still (& he too) having, maybe better, orgasms than I knew was possible in my 20′s & 30′s & believe me I never had trouble there either. So, instead of getting into someone’s head via their penis or vagina, why don’t you just give people the tools to start verbally & emotionally communicating with each other.
Oh, BTW, I have surprised myself that I just wrote all that. I agree that folks need to open up more, & relationships are work, but I do not believe that sex is the center of the universe, & I can’t believe that you want to lead people into believing it should be. I can’t run a marathon, that doesn’t mean I can’t live to be 90.
I’ve had two long-term relationships in my life. I was married for 28 years to the first guy and I’m going on ten years with my current man. Both pooped out on sex before I was ready. So now I’m 57 and he’s 65 and has pretty much said he’s not interested but will pleasure me whenever I want. I don’t want charity, I want somebody to want me. Most days I’m happy just having a campanion but the lack of sex nags at me more than I want to admit. However, nobody else is knocking at my door so should I just be happy with what I have? Like the song says, “Is that all there is?”