Ask a room full of honest women if any of them have ever experienced issues with low libido at some point in their life, and I would venture to say that more than half of them would raise their hand! Low libido has been a leading issue among the women I’ve worked with over the past 25 years. Knowing this, it doesn’t come as much of a surprise that there has been a major push for a ‘Female Viagra’ pill over the years. The FDA recently rejected this little pink pill after studies showed that women testing the drug only had slightly more sexually satisfying experiences; there were also noted side effects like depression, fainting and dizziness.
I’ve never been one to believe that swallowing a magic pill is the answer to low libido. Are there physical things we can do to help increase libido? Of course! That’s why I worked so diligently to create three different types of arousal creams. However, the danger is to believe that if and when an effective pill is approved, that it will be the cure-all solution to low sex drive. Drug companies are often looking for quick fixes and aren’t paid to challenge us to look deeper as to what causes the symptoms in the first place.
‘Female Viagra’ is an interesting nickname for this drug to begin with because it assumes that it is the female version of Viagra; yet, this isn’t the case. Viagra was created primarily to treat Erectile Dysfunction which in some cases has absolutely nothing to do with the male sex drive or libido directly. Studies have shown that when it comes to arousal, compared to men, women tend to be much more mentally than physically stimulated. That being said, a physical aid is only part of the solution and if treated as a panacea it’s nothing more than slapping a quick-fix band-aid on the issue.
For most women, there needs to be some sort of connection between the mind and body to make sex enjoyable. Women need to start with getting in touch with their body and their needs and desires. Below are some great ways to tap into that sensual energy that sometimes falls latent within us.
- If you’re married or coupled up, take a good honest look at the current state of your relationship. Are there feelings of past hurts, resentments, or despondency? Sexual intimacy is one of the first aspects that often suffers when women are confused or unhappy in a relationship. It’s important to seek out counseling and open the doors of communication with your partner, should this be the case.
- Learn to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. So many women put everyone else first. Take some time to pamper yourself and tap into your sensual nature. If you’re busy, you can start small by just immersing your five senses in a hot, steamy shower or indulging in a sultry bubble bath complete with rose petals and candles.
- Don’t be afraid to explore self-pleasure! How can you tell your partner what turns you on if you aren’t even sure yourself? Give yourself permission to learn what makes you sexually tick. It may not be the same as it was five days, five months or even five years ago! Even more reason to get in touch with your sexual potential and how it can be better than ever today.
- When people are trying to diet, they often keep a food diary to track their good and bad habits. In that same vein, keep a ‘Desire and Arousal’ journal. Document what triggers your desire or arouses you throughout the day. This is a great way to look back and evaluate what could be leading to your feelings of desire (or lack thereof).
- Although it may seem counter-intuitive, sometimes having more sex (even if you’re not at first in the mood) will often make you want it more. Challenge each other to have sex a certain amount of times a week or month; it’s all about finding a number you’re comfortable with, but once you do prioritize it at the top of your list and don’t let any excuses get in the way!
- Fantasies can be a very erotic tool that you can use both during and long-after intimacy. One of the best things you can do is file away an intense sexual experience in your mind and a few weeks later when you’re not quite in the mood or engaging in a ‘last-minute quickie’, you can rely on that sexy memory to get you turned on instantly.
- Men are like microwaves and women are like crock-pots. It sometimes takes us a little longer to get in the mood – especially when we’re battling exhaustion from a laundry list of To-do’s. As I mentioned earlier, arousal creams are topical creams that cause blood to rush to the clitoris and get you in the mood faster. Not to mention, many are edible for his pleasure!
- When couples get comfortable, they assume they know all of each other’s erogenous zones. This is often far from true! One way to create exciting new foreplay is to blindfold your partner and tease him/her from head-to-toe — there are so many cues that you can play off (such as paying attention to their rate of breathing, moans or expressions) as a way to discover what is turning them on. The sensuality of the experience will help build anticipation and help each of you to locate sexy new hot spots you never knew you had.
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
All that being said, sometimes I am just plain old tired……
I can empathize; women are often juggling so many responsibilities that there’s just no time and when there is we are often too exhausted to even consider it. This goes back to finding the time and prioritizing intimacy in our lives (whether single or attached). If it means you don’t guilt trip yourself for putting laundry off for one day or take a personal day from work – whatever it is – you are making a commitment to yourself that your sexual and sensual life is important enough to make the time and energy to maintain.
Hi Patty,
Your post gives me the opportunity to cut and paste what I posted just a few days ago in response to a post by Dr. DorreeLynn entitled “The Quest for Female Viagra.” I far prefer your list of ideas for appropriately and sensitively responding to/addressing the issue of low female libido. I have huge issues with the idea of a pharmaceutical “female Viagra” as outlined below.
This is what I previosuly posted:
The post is entitled “The Quest for Female Viagra”, and the post and following conversation thread are about stimulating female libido – the basic desire to have sex.
Talking about a female version of Viagra (Cialis, whatever…) is off-base because it is an apples to oranges comparison.
Viagara and its like are Erectile Dysfunction (ED) drugs. The men taking it still have the DESIRE to have sex – what they are lacking the physical capability to act on that desire. Viagara is not an aphrodisiac (causing desire) it simply makes it physically possible for a man to get and maintain an erection long enough to satisfy his already existing sexual desire.
Women, on the other hand, do not suffer from erectile dysfuntion. They suffer from a lack of sexual desire and disconnection from the ability to become aroused and want sexual intimacy. In other words, what women suffer from would (in men) actually precede erectile dysfunction (i.e., the physical capability to have sex).
And I can only imagine the pressure that would be placed on women to pop an aphrodisiac pill (should one ever be successfully developed) – many men are simple in their focus on and desire for sex. They would quite possibly neglect the underlying issues in the relationship or their partner’s health etc. and want her to “just take the sexy pill and get into bed” and stop talking about getting her deeper wants/needs addressed.
I am not in any way advocating that sex be used as a weapon of manipulation, but it is one of the few powerful incentives available to women to get men to pay attention, and in a deeper way than would be possible if men can wave a prescription bottle in our faces and say “Why won’t you just take this?”
Thank you for posting. You are right – it is apples to oranges and much more complicated than just a physical quick fix. Especially when there areoften so many more emotional and mental interdependent factors for women!