I recently took some down-time and invited some extended family to spend some time with me. During our trip, one of my guests shared that she had a close friend whose husband had just suddenly died of cancer. This got us talking about the difficulties and hardships people experience in life and how intimacy often understandably comes to a screeching halt. This could be a death of a close partner or a terrible break-up (which, let’s face it, sometimes feels just like mourning a death).
Bedroom accessories are not just for novelty or spicing up relationships. They can also be a wonderful tool for someone who has just lost a partner through death, divorce or a break-up and can keep you from falling into the all too easy trap of the “Rebound”. After all, how many of us have heard of the saying that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”. So often people jump into new relationships because they miss the intimacy they have lost. But they are doing themselves a major injustice. This should be a time that you are working on yourself and figuring out what went wrong and what you can do to grow from the experience and change for the better. It may be tempting to grab the first attractive person off the street to meet your intimate needs, but it’s important to take time to heal.
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Just because you are taking time to yourself to discover your needs doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have intimacy in your life. This is where bedroom accessories can be a wonderful way to still have intimacy and sensual pleasure in your life. It also keeps you from getting caught up in a whirlwind of partners which sends mixed messages and messes with your head. It’s hard for many women to truly be detached when it comes to casual sex and makes you feel even worse afterward if you aren’t completely emotionally stable. Even worse, it opens you up to the risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections (even with the use of condoms). Your body should mean more to you than that.
For those of you who had the pleasure of watching one of my favorite movies, It’s Complicated, you probably remember the scene where Meryl Streep’s character is catching up with friends and one says she heard that “if you don’t use it, you lose it”. There actually is truth to this statement and many health care providers recommend bedroom accessories and Dilator Sets as a way to combat vaginal atrophy, which is another reason why it’s important to use toys when you don’t currently have a partner.
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Yes, you and I are saying the same things in our separate posts. I hope everyone realizes that when you say “bedroom accessories,” you’re not talking about a new lamp or bedspread.
- Joan
After my husband suffered a heart attack and then discovered he was diabetic, our lovemaking changed. He could no longer perform as he did and it broke his heart. I was willing to go without the penetration and just be happy with petting and oral lovemaking. It was he who brought home our first “toy”. We now have our “Dr. Feelgood’s Bag” filled with all kinds on wonderful toys to play with and he loves being able to bring me to that special place. Also, when he is away, which is often, I can remember our moments by using them myself. Thank you for shareing this.
I totally agree with your use of sex toys/aids when there is no intimate partner. However, I would also like to stress the lack of touch that is so abruptly lost when a partner is gone. One remedy is to get a massage. By paying for a massage there is no emotional intimacy to complicate your situation.
As a massage therapist I of course completely agree with you! I’ve worked with many clients who have a lack of intimacy with their current partner, or lost their partner through death, divorce, etc.
Even those with a good relationship find that a massage leaves them feeling less stressed, and able to face the world & the people around them with a sense of being nurtured & revitalized. Just as we women take care of our hair & nails, we must also take care of our bodies & nourish ourselves, so that we have the energy to go out and share it with others.
Also, after a loving partner experiences prostate cancer, the resulting surgery with its side effects, provide loving satisfaction is rewarding while the spouse is healing and working to regain his potency.
help…I am really struggling with the idea of toys. I can’t seem to get a handle on what I don’t like about the idea.???? I am not sure if I beleive in intamcy being a special thing for 2 people or if I am just shy. Did other struggle with this? I have long been ok with masturbation but can’t seem to cross the line to toys. Anyone???
I had so many thoughts about your concerns, Redrider, that I started a new thread, “Why sex toys?”: http://www.vibrantnation.com/conversations/71567-why-sex-toys/.
- Joan
I understand totally what you are saying! I’m probably just old-fashioned but may get used to the idea.
I have had toys ever since I can remember, dildo’s, vibrators, lubricants, for me I get so turned on and have many orgasms. My husband loves that I use them, and he prefers for me to use them when he is with me. Sometimes I just feel the need to masturbate and this does the trick. I shop at adult stores and am not embarrassed if anything you can find so many things, things you never even thought of, including books, magazines, movies, lingerie and other toys!
I see the one readers response of being uncomfortable witht the idea. Of course having toys doens’t replace human contact but it isn’t so taboo either. We are human and have needs and that is OK. I use to think too – that there was something wrong with using toys – but it was my husband who brought home the first toy. We now have several toys and it has enhanced our love making. If you find yourself single again for whatever reasons – you should not feel funny by using or having toys
Besides – they actually come in some pretty cool colors 