I’m stepping outside of my usually serious psychotherapist role for a minute here, because there’s a situation, I guess you could call it, that I’d like to discuss that is beyond the scope of my professional practice.
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It’s called Online Dating.
The Risk
Don’t misunderstand. Many of my clients do it. I encourage it, in fact. However, I also know that the world of online dating is not unbridled paradise for everyone but me, because I have many facebook friends whose tales of their dates make me laugh right out loud. Then the Poodle gives me that sentient and pitying look of his, as if to say, You do realize you’re the only one here, right?
Well, wise Poodle, that’s the point. That’s why I’m even thinking about this online dating world. Not that you’re not excellent company, of course.
Every now and then, I decide to cast my net: first, I select about eight photos of me from the ones on my iPhone, all of which are current and all of which actually look like me. Then I spend an evening crafting a profile – not too detailed, not too flip; I mention my family, my interests, my work (without getting technical about it); I talk a little about what characteristics a man might have who would find me a good match. In other words, I do exactly what the sites advise people to do when they create their online profiles.
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I do this about every six months, because it doesn’t take me long to shut the whole thing down and go dark again.
I am not cynical. I am kind. I am compassionate, and even funny. I am not perfect and I don’t seek perfection in a mate. But let me tell you a little about the luck I’ve had this go around.
Since I posted this incarnation of my profile, which was toward the end of July, nearly 1000 men have viewed it. I have received many winks, which I disregard because I find them creepy, for one thing, and also because I don’t really know how to respond to them. Thanks for the wink? I’m not altogether sure I am grateful for some of the winks I get.
I’ve had several emails about getting together immediately that involve his offering his cell phone number and an offsite email address. I delete those immediately, because if a man is too cheap to pay to the meager joining fees for the site, he’s probably not a good match for me on other counts.
I have had my share of emails from men with cut-and-paste profiles about walking along the seashore in the sunset, which then end abruptly in broken English and vaguely comprehensible commands to date them immediately; the photo are usually glamour shots no doubt lifted directly from the internet.
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I’ve had emails from men who clearly did not read my profile at all. I know this because if they had read it, they would quickly learn I’m not likely to be anyone’s biker mama anytime soon, nor would I be a candidate for exploring the inside of someone’s camper/primary residence deep in the woods and off the grid. I know there are women well suited to these men. Why do they write to me instead?
After a series of promising emails, though, I made four lunch dates. Here’s the cast of characters:
1) the man who, between the salad and the entree, started ticking off the ways I could improve my life by simplifying it;
2) the man who was referred to as an elderly gentleman by the hostess when I asked if there was someone waiting for me;
3) the man who seemed to have the world by the tail and by our after-lunch cappuccinos was asking me about handguns, food storage, and my thoughts about the imminent demise of western civilization – and recommending books I could read to get myself up to speed on the topic.
4) the man with the comb-over who told me I could be really beautiful, after I lose a few pounds.
I know this works for some people, because over the years I’ve read all the posts from VN women who have found great love through online dating sites. I don’t really understand why it doesn’t work for me. All I know is that I can’t seem to crack the code, after several attempts to do so.
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I would love to hear about success stories and about what you did that I clearly can’t seem to grasp. I’m about ready to pull my profile again, even though I am aware that doing so is the best way to guarantee I won’t find a match. I need encouragement!
Signed,
Single in Seattle (if you don’t count the Poodle)
Shirley - that's funny but what you are saying is true about the men...first sex, then a little company, then back to the dating sites. :) There are too many fish on line to stick with just one so they go back to see what else is available. I am a me
I may be close to the extreme example of leaving everything behind. Divorced after many years, kids, memories and so on. I could not stand the thought of suddenly being single among my married friends, so, as I had dual citizenship I chose to move 
You're upset.... Well, your son is an adult, and knows perfectly well what happens when you have unprotected sex. The consequences are, that he has a child on the way, and you are going to be a grandmother.
I suggest that you stuff your anger, 
Seawriter, it sounds like you are waiting for the men to write to you. I’m in Seattle too, and I’m sure we’ve seen the same pool of men, maybe even dated some. lol. I also don’t get many responses to my profile, but if I initiate the result is better. Here’s the thing – it’s a numbers game, and you’ve got to get your numbers up. That means try and try and keep trying. Wink or flirt at EVERYONE who is remotely interesting, and I mean remotely. A lot of people just don’t have good pics, or are good writers, but they could still be good guys in person. You really can’t tell chemistry from a profile.
Dear Abby said, everyone can get married if they set the bar low enough. lol. Not saying marriage is the goal, but really, how high is your bar? I like the idea of approaching it as, what is the most interesting thing about this person?
That said, I do think men over 50 are looking for younger women, or women who look younger. They don’t seem to be realistic about what women in their 50s and up look like! If they ask for someone “fit” “toned” “athletic” “petite,” or the dreaded “HWP,” they get a pass. That’s one thing they will never get past, no matter how cute and smart you are.
And as far as seeing the same guys over and over, well, I’m sure they say the same thing about me. lol. I have a guy friend, whom I met online, who said he must have dated 250 women over like 5 years, and finally found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Hope, unlike youth, springs eternal.
I met my husband on an oline dating service. The service would send me “winks” of men I was compatable with. I would usually be the one to send the first Hello back. I hwas told by some men that they were just shy about saying the first Hello.
That’s how I met my hubby. I sent a Hello and he responded back that had been busy and out of town(he is a professional truck driver). He said he had seen a “wink” that was sent to him, but that he had not had the time to respond.
Somehow I want to meet men who are not afraid to initiate – shy is ok at 20 but at 55 -60, no. I have worked too hard to be confident -
OMG. … As I clicked to read your posting Single in Seattle, my mind said the quick quip.. ” ah ha it’s not just me” . At this time I have found a really quick way to make me feel undesired is the Internet dating “THING”.
Your cleverly discised hurts smack of my experiences except for that Mr. Coffee Date, that stated it was not a date and if I wanted anything I had to pay for it myself…. Did that squash my high hopes!
Like you, I’ve retried every now and then because I have read the encouraging post about how they found their hubby on a dating site… Perhaps it is much like the lottery… A lot of dud tickets before we get one to pay off…
And so I remind myself I don’t want to meet someone because I am lonely … I want to meet someone because I am ready…. He just needs to recognize me when I introduce myself….oh yeah having a huge sense of humor helps…
In Vancouver waiting
OK OK OK TO ALL OF YOU out there….especially those over 60 on dating sites. There are some predators out there and you need to be very watchful…Here is my story.
Some guy named EDWIN HARTMAN – he actualy does exist,,,and so does his web site .
I was sent an introductory email, lots about God and lord etc…church etc…later he sent me his pic- he’s actually not bad looking. But he sent me pics of his assistant, then his friends. All this time..I’m not sure why>>>then he sends me copies of a big contract he got… worth millions, then flight information to confirm he was coming to see me and then another flying to Acra..to save his assistant from jail and go to court …lots of pics of a truck accident with big trees, he is supposedly in the logging business…once a good relationship and email and skype has been established, he asks for my help- to help him out, borrow big money to buy computers and cell phones over there in Africa, and later more big money to pay court penalty so he can return home in the US and come visit me!!!! I did report him in the site of silver singles and they have deleted him but will not-cannot-follow it up legally. I also saw his picture on another site and reported him there too, but they did nothing… I am fortunate to be suspicious of all these copies of flights and contracts etc. Why would someone do this??…to set you up.I never asked for that…NOw yu know , beware of this certain guy…don’t fall prey to him…I think he picks older women thinking we are desperate …
so long buddy, now you’ve been denounce in the best way I know how… cost me a little time and a little pride but no money was sent…
There’s nothing wrong with you and your approach. If I had a nickel for everyone who has told me they met their partner online, I’d be rich. I’ve been trying on and off for a few years. So far no luck. I must be flypaper for freaks. I won’t say I’ve given up….I seem to have reached a point where it just isn’t that important to me anymore. Or more the truth, I am just so disappointed. I really don’t know what the problem is. Maybe I just haven’t gotten the right “lottery” number yet.
I appreciated your comments – and there is really nothing “wrong” – you have just not found him yet. Yes, it is like a lottery and it does become discouraging. For me, (71) single forever, survivor of several long-term relationships, etc. online dating has been an on/off again exercise over five years. It has become more difficult due to age and there are more “weirdos” out there, both male and female. What is the answer? There is no magic bullet and one must try all the options…….good luck and for me, I am a cockeyed-optimist. He must still be out there……………
Colette: when somethng looks or sounds suspicious -and this guy looked and sounded suspicious from the word go, then it is -
Just back on the market again, I took a look at a couple of different websites and went for one that seemed to have a few men in this small town I just moved to. Most websites had nobody living anywhere near here! I’d found my last honey online 11 years ago and we had a great relationship that we both thought would go on forever (no marriage, please!!). He went insane suddenly and now has been in and out of the mental hospital. I went forward with our plans to move, but decided to head to Oregon to be closer to my 95-year-old Dad instead of to Mexico where we were planning to move before my partner went crackers on me. Life has it’s curve balls. Anyway, so here I am, new in town and I know nobody. I’m not even sure I care about a relationship at all yet, but I’m up for window shopping. I’ll be 59 soon, but people seem to think I look about 10 years younger, so I think I’m doing OK. So far, on Matchmaker.com I have some very strange results. Most of the responses are from guys who are VERY far away….even one from India. Most of the guys online say they already have kids and might want more!!?? I mean, really, in your 60′s and you might want more kids? That means they are trolling for a younger woman regardless of what they say. I put that in my profile….if you say you might want more kids, we are NOT on the same wavelength at all. I just find most of the guys are ugly, bald, fat, arrogant, and chauvinistic….or just plain losers. The ones without pictures, get deleted right away because they are probably married looking for some fun on the side. I’ve looked and looked and it’s looking like very slim pickens’ in this area. So, I think I’ll just get involved in the community, build up my reputation for the things I believe in, get seen and known, and keep my eyes peeled at the grocery store. I’ll keep looking online for fresh material, but frankly, my 2 dogs and 2 cats are better companions than most men. My vibrator keeps me smiling physically. And maybe that is good enough…at least for now. Somewhere down the road there may be a time for romantic candlelight dinners, walks on the beach and the woods, and just that wonderful feeling of having someone adore you….but, I’m not going to sell myself short because I really like ME and I don’t need the hassles of a loser guy in my life!
I have to admit, there’s some degree of relief hearing that your online dating experiences are as dysfunctional as mine. I guess it’s true that misery loves company. It’s been several years, now, since I felt like I wanted risk the probable frustration I expect if I put myself out there again. I have no doubt the same men who were online three years ago are still there. Are there really that many biker dudes out there, or are they all single because most “vibrant” women want to have nothing to do with them? After you weed out the biker dudes, cavemen, cradle robbers, and womanizers the pool is really small; it’s more like a puddle. The date who broke the camel’s back was a widower looking for his wife’s reincarnation. The relief I felt when I got in my car to go home [alone] after dinner with him was the driving force behind deleting my profile and resigning my membership as soon as I got home.
My daughter accuses me of being too picky. I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable if I hold out for someone I really click with. Am I wrong? Maybe, I have set the bar a little higher than some, but the way I look at it, I’m not so desperate I would be with someone just to be with anyone. Besides, I have a dog and two cats and I never sleep alone.
But look at me, always the cockeyed optimist, I’ve been thinking about getting my feet wet again. Just like the lottery, you have to play to win.
Your post cracks me up. Can any one tell me why women in our age group still want to find the perfect man or still hoping to find that special someone.
I think of all our exs out there looking for dates or have already been snatched up. I like a friend’s expression refering to her ex as garbage and some one’s garbage is another one’s treasure.
All the good ones are married or taken.
Nana: because it would be nice to have a companion -no not a dog or a cat – but someone to share meals, fun, laughter, cuddling, etc. - it’s not necessary – I have been on my own for 30 years – but it would be nice – like winning the lottery – not likely, but a dream
I have been on the dating sites for EIGHT abysmal years. I know what I want…a man of integrity….well, THAt HASN’T happened yet, LOL, LOL
I mean men with no shirts standing in the bathroom, baseball caps (at 50?!), rip van winkle types (c’mon get over the 60s look), basically ignorant and repulsive…..plenty of fish…I call it plenty of carp/crap…the best date I had was with an attorney.
He offered me (ready?) A GLASS OF WATER.
OMG #2..someone else wrote that so I don’t want to take it away from her. I have just seen the post from Alicia and I can’t express how wonderful this has made me feel…thank you..I am single and go on the sites too!! just like you others and have the identical scenario’s and don’t know what to do. It is such a rejecting feeling. I think how stupid it is and go off, or as you say ‘dark’. I thought it was just me. I say “am I that bad”? lately I have been getting automated responses that say they just started seeing someone…..Shame on the site MATCH.COM for even thinking that is a complementary way of saying ‘No thanks’. I am in So. FL and find it so difficult to even make girlfriends. I guess that’s how I came across VN cause I am home digging for some way to condone my feelings.
You mentioned numerous things I agree with but to add to the list doesn’t a man have to shave anymore? They have unkempt beards that could have nats in them..also what’s with the sexy daughter pics, the dogs, and the grandchildren? We will learn about them if they would answer or communicate. I could go on but am gonna wait to hear from others here cause I am just so amazed to see I am not alone….
I met my husband on line but it was almost 10 years ago. Then I was in my early 40s he was in his early 50s. I wrote about it here a few years ago. Im sharing the link in case it is of any help but I fully admit: a lot can change online in 10 years and my experience is quite a while ago. But here’s the link:
http://www.vibrantnation.com/live-it-lists/6-rules-for-online-dating/
Reading this article brought such relief to me. I subscribe to 2 dating sites and get more responses off of one site; but am I really going to be interested in a guy who is 36 when I’m 66? All senses go on alert.
Have to admit I lied about my age, reducing it by 10 years, and have gotten multiple contacts from men my real age. Most of them have specified they are looking for women less than 65. Is 1 year that important? But the guilt I have about the dishonesty is almost debilitating in meeting anyone. I don’t like what it says about me.
I, too, am about ready to pull my profiles and run.
I pulled my profile for the third time at the beginning of summer (June 2012). I waited for the subscription to run out so I could get my money’s worth.
Made a list and figured I’d met between 35-50 men in person over a year and a half, taking some breaks occasionally. I tried several different paid membership sites.
Well, most the guys I met were nice, I had some great excursions to wine tasting, concerts, walks in parks, museums, coffee, lunch, dinner…For the most part they were meet-ups with no follow-ups. A few were second dates, a couple were from out of town but would call me when in town and we’d go to dinner. Sounds nice…yes, but no “finding the one.” And I got so frustrated and sad sometimes at not being called back, even if my thoughts were that we weren’t a good match. Finally I got tired of the whole idea and figured I was just going to be single and see what it’s like.
My husband passed away almost four years ago. Then I had a steady boyfriend met on a free dating site starting about 8 months after losing my DH. New BF, it turned out, lived five minutes away, remembered early years in the same neighborhood I’d grown up in, and we had the same interests and an instant attraction in person. However, he was still a part time parent (in his mid-50s) and dealing with “hostile ex” situations. We eventually had a very painful breakup. We tried hard to understand each other’s priorities and emotions but it was too exhausting.
It was after that I tried the paid dating sites, at first to prove to myself I could get a date after the breakup. Also, I was still grieving my DH and realized this would and needed to take its own time.
So…Online dating didn’t find me a match, though I didn’t meet too many strange people. Everybody has a story, and most have gone through painful loss. I remember one guy who was younger than me and kind of energetic personality. We had two fun dates, exchanged a lot of notes and I thought he was at least interested. Turned out, as he told me right at the end of our last conversation, he had only been divorced a couple of months, and he was really nervous and trying to prove himself, and also doing his own kind of grieving.
Then there was the guy who had the restaurant already picked out, sat and smiled the whole time and asked questions as if interviewing me. Nothing too nosy, just seemed like a “form letter date.” Probably the same conversation with every one.
A funny experience was the guy who invited me to a steak house at 5 p.m. on Friday. It was quite a drive for me, and I assumed it was a dinner invitation. He said let’s sit in the bar for awhile…and he talked about his two ex girlfriends and how they broke up with him. The he said “I don’t know about you widows…how could we talk if you can’t complain about your ex.” Finally when I was starving, he said, ”Well, thanks for coming, gotta go.” Fortunately a big mall was nearby and I went there and bought myself something.
Where am I going with all this. I don’t know. Maybe some of the more attractive/interesting ones, I could have called back. Maybe I should have answered some of those winks. It all got to feel like an obsession, then after that like an obligation. When my membership to Match ran out, I quit. Interestingly enough, a guy I’d met a year and a half ago on eHarmony called me again after not hearing from him all that time. We’ve gone out quite often this summer. But though I love the friendship and manly company, I just can’t summon up any romantic feelings for him. He is also widowed, and we can talk to each other easily about that.
Though I still get a little anxiety over evenings alone, I’m learning to live with my own company. My work schedule will be increasing soon…I intend to back off with the guy I’ve gone out with this summer. He’s a great person and some other lady’s “right one,” just not mine.
Sorry this is so long…and I am glad for those who found the right one through online. It’s a fine way to meet people, just no guarantees. I’ll be 59 soon, would like to follow my own interests and stay healthy. If someone interesting shows up, and we feel the same for each other, that will be “bonus.”
I have been alone for eight excruciating years. I hate it and i will be 66 on 9/29…..I have been busy living my life (after a divorce….36 years of abuse)….it is like….will it ever be my turn to be loved?
I am a Freshman in college…the routine of work and school…….can’t retire for 4 more years; i will keep hoping and praying for someone to come into my life ; a man of integrity and quality.
Alicia, perfectly stated! I hear you and respect your honesty in expression. At least you are able to say how u feel. I know they are not going to come out of the woodwork, however w/the crime in the world today it is scary to just to anywhere. I tried the Barnes & Noble thing a couple of years ago…..can’t just go up to a stranger and ask: would u like to talk? You have given me some solice that I am not a freak or alone..
Alicia: no one can make you happy but yourself – time to love yourself
I know that. People aren’t getting what I am sayng, I guess. I love myself and have made a life for myself…am a Freshman at age 65, moderator of an abused survivors’ group, veteran/member of the American Legion, written 2 books, dancer, singer and major go-getter in the world…..a ton of other things.
The fact remains: I HATE being alone.
Alicia: just my experience. I met a man a couple of weeks ago who “hated being alone” – although he had the money, the cottage, the health, he did not do anything much fun alone – was waiting to do it with someone. I felt a huge weight-expectation that this was someone who did not want a companion – he needed one and would want his new partner do to everything with him – his deceased wife never did what she wanted – she followed him. I love my life right now and a man would be a plus – I don’t need someone to make it worth getting up. 20 years as a psychotherapist with women taught me that dependency and need are poor guides.
I have been INdependent for 8 years…the fear of being alone kept me in that situation, but I found the courage to get out. Then, I was voted out of a 31-year church membership. Rejection by 1 person is bad……a whole church congregation?
8 years ago on my birthday (Sept. 29th), my name was put up on a big screen followed by the words, “Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God.” Called to a meeting of deacons (16 ‘men”), not allowed to have a woman with me and asked:”Are you still having sex with your ex?” I had allowed x to live in my house for awhile after dvorce.
I fought the system for 18 months to try and stop the pastor (of disaster) from counseling any more women, because 2 of them were suicidal (because of his “counseling” skills.
I think we are all dependent on someone. I have managed to take all of the “ashes” of my life and do something positive……as win a scholarship and being in school at 65!
I escaped a childhood of extreme poverty, physical and verbal abuse, never knew my father (met him when I was 30), molestation, having my hand held over an open fire by a drunken neighbor woman………120-year old tenement house with cockroaches and rats, snow came in thru a crack in the wall (indoor winter Olympics, LOL)
And that stuff is the GOOD stuff……..It is in my memoir, Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice.
My poetry book, Sanctuary of the Soul (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration)…….My endorsements humble me and take my breath away:
Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Drs. Alice Miller, Larry Dossey, Clint van Zandt…..SO
My life is busy and full.
I will always hate being alone….but I don’t let it stop me from living the best life I can…….
Hi all…I really, really enjoyed the last post….and wish you lovely memories and peace with the loss of your husband, Snickse. I think you have a wonderful attitude toward dating.
I have found that I cherish my evenings “alone”…and am currently in an exclusive relationship.
Even before my beau came alone I filled my time with things that I truly enjoyed. I sing with a professional choral group performing masterworks. About 10 years ago I renewed my interest in riding motorcycles and bought my first Harley Davidson. I volunteer with a number of organizations and mentored a young teen girl that I am still in touch with to this day.
I have traveled alone to visit relatives and, at first, was a bit nervous-but now I actually prefer to travel alone! You are forced to talk to strangers when asking directions or other questions. I have had the most wonderful, interesting and funny conversations this way.
It helps to get outside of your “comfort zone”. Try to meet new people everywhere, not just on dating sites. There are many, many interesting men out there that also volunteer their time, ride motorcycles, mentor young men, sing in concerts, attend concerts at coffeehouses, take classes…etc. I don’t take the dating sites too seriously but just consider them a way to meet interesting men…..and *if* the right one comes along so be it.
I have loved reading each and every post from the amazing women here! I have been in and out of the Internet dating scene for more than 10 years, despite an early head-on collision with a secretly-married Maserati who stole my heart for 2 years, just as I exited Divorce Avenue. Hard to go back to Cupid after that, so I’ve tried Match, Harmony and POF. I have been trying something completely different in a profile, and I’d like to share it with you. It saves me SO much time! If a man can’t read this, he can’t date me! http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=15688182
Ladies, my heart goes out to you as you await your BOAZ. Steve Harvey says in one of his two books, “If you’re going to ask God for something, act like he’s going to give it to you and make ready to receive it.”
ACT LIKE A LADY THINK LIKE A MAN http://www.harpercollins.com/browseinside/index.aspx?isbn13=9780061728976and
STRAIGHT TALK NO CHASER - How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man are both good books.
I hate to admit it ladies but I read both of them. I am married today, it will be 4 mo’s on the 25th of this month and I just celebrated my 53rd birthday 9/16. The link above will allow you to read exerpts from ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN and then you can decide for yourself. Rated 4 STARS in Amazon, the books are DETAILED. Don’t go look at the movie and make a decision from that. The movie is good and funny but the BOOKS are the meat and potatoes of HOW A MAN THINKS. He also goes into WHERE TO FIND MEN i.e, sporting events, the golf course, etc… I don’t want to disclose too much because you need to read it. It gleamed that “extra” knowledge that only a man can give.
Click on the link and see for yourself; and I pray the Lord will bring you and your mate together. No one who wants have a companion should be alone. We all want peace, companionship and the security that a relationship can provide especially as we get older, 40′s, 50′s, 60′s, etc…and there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Stay the course, he’s out there for you.
Carolyn
Carolyn, thanks for the books and link, read the pages and bought on ebay! Loved the first part: Men are driven by 1) who they are, 2) what they do, and 3) how much money they make. Wow, that explains SO MUCH!
The maillady can’t get here fast enough!
Kelly
Okay, I have been asking God for over 8 years…staying the course!
Do you ladies have Singles over 45 MeetUp groups where you live. I have a few nearby which I may one day join but I am going to give myself a year of living alone first before I take a look at these groups.
On the funny or not so funny note: I was checking out one group in particular and was checking out the members profile and photos and lo and behold, my ex had joined the group even before I moved out . Pretty unbelievable to see his photo posted. 3 weeks after I move out, he had secretly brought someone home – my neighbours could not wait to tell me. Well she has moved in. He was sneaky enough to have her park in the garage so nobody can see her going or coming but yet the neighbours. I am good friends with the neighbours over at my old house. He on the other hand is sneaking around with her like a criminal. Mine told me that he would be single for a very long time and blah blah blah – not even 3 weeks?? what a slap in the face after 30 years of marriage – good riddance
Looks like there are 10 women to every man in that group. So ladies it is like winning the lottery if there is one decent man left.
Energizersnobabe/Kelly:
“In order to get different results you have to do something differently”. Right Kelly?
I am glad you took a minute to check out the link and see for yourself that it is an EXCELLENT RESOURCE to have in your home library.
I was just like you but I could not wait for it to come in the mail!!! Girl, I went straight to BORDERS and bought the book at the bookstore and read it from cover to cover in ONE night. It’s a very easy read and Steve Harvey KEEPS you engaged. I learned so much from ACT LIKE A LADY THINK LIKE A MAN, it changed the entire way I dealt with men. In other words the LIGHT BULB came ON!
After you finish reading it. You are going to IMMEDIATELY get the other book STRAIGHT TALK NO CHASER – How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man. Make sure you have a pencil or a yellow highlighter, you are going to find information you will want to reference to quickly, later.
I had a girlfriend borrow my book when she was visiting me from Michigan.She discovered what was going on her own relationship and took my book back to Michigan with her. I called her and said, you need to mail me back my book. I had highlighted and underlined things that were specifically applicable to what I was going through in my dating relationship (with the guy I am married to today).
I inscribed my own book: “The gift of KNOWLEDGE to myself”.
Carolyn
NanaP:
Sounds like your husband found his 20% because you were definitely his 80%. Your post reminded me of Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I GET MARRIED with Janet Jackson and Jill Scott. Remember in the movie, Jill Scott lost all that weight and when her ex saw her at Janet’s Honorary celebration he leans over and tells her she looks good and he now understands the 20/80 rule? Jill says, you mean the 80/20 rule and you have want you wanted, “YOUR 20″. After 30 years, your ex just wants to play. Guaranteed, he’ll be back though you probably won’t want him.
It’s sad but true when you say there are 10 women to every 1 man. That appears to be universal except in some states, I think Colorado, Oklahoma to name a few. But there are still some good guys out there. Once you have your “off time” a couple months or a year or so…check out :
Steve Harvey’s Straight Talk No Chaser, How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man - Chapter 2 – Dating by the Decades – A Guide to How Men Feel About Relationships in Their Twenties, Thirties, Forties, Fifties and Beyond and read what is applicable to you.
It’s only 20 pages and explains A LOT.
Wish you the best in the Singles over 45 Meet Ups when you decide to pursue it.
Carolyn
Thank you for your post. I am on my own for only 4 months now so everything is still very raw inside. I know my ex had told me in the past that if and when we split, he would date as many women as possible – no commitments and he did not want women with baggage ie the ones still with kids at home or still wants kids so I was told that his girlfriend looks kinda old, very short and dumpy. This is a guy who complains that I am too short to be a dance partner and he is dating someone even shorter than me. LOL
I am in no rush to be back in the game so to speak. I am very independant, have a good job, my own house, loves to cook, bake, sew, have a passion for gardening and interior design and I can also handle all the minor repairs around the house. Bought this fixer upper sad neglected place and fixed it up with the help of a wonderful contractor. Shopped for all the fixtures, kitchen, vanities,etc… did all this while dealing and living with the ex and when it was ready after 2 months, I moved out. We separated on Feb 24, I moved out on May 6 and never looked back. I do not want him back, not after what he had done to me. No thanks! I deserve better! I will never be a doormat again
Lovelysmile0916:
I will try and remember to get the books out from our library in town. Thanks for sharing.
NanaP,
You remind me of myself, I have the same passions, cooking, baking, sewing, interior design and I absolutely love PERENNIAL gardening. Got a new garden box I am trying to finish up in my front yard before the temperatures here in Chicago go down into the 50′s.
God doesn’t like “ugly” he will be dealt with either here on earth but definitely on judgement day. The devil is a liar….
You do you…sounds like you guys didn’t have any kids together as you haven’t mentioned any and sounds like he doesn’t want any or any more. You are right you deserve better.
The house sounds like it would be a fun project and thank God you were able to buy a place on your own. Stay plugged into the ladies here on VN and make sure to make plans with your siblings, mom/dad, relatives or girlfriends for the upcoming holidays and decorate your place for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. You’ll be fine. I can tell you are a strong woman.
Great idea on checking the book out from the library too!
Carolyn
Lovelysmile0916:
I do have 2 adult children, a 28 year old son who is married with a daughter, 14 months old and a daughter 23 years old. Both kids did not want to be caught in my separation and did not want to hear anything about their dad from me. I totally was alone on this one because in the past, I have hidden everything ulgy about him from them so all they see is the “cool nice dad” they know.
I have no siblings nearby. My group of friends helped me through the crisis. My siblings all living overseas helped me though the crisis as well. I have a dear friend living in Chicago, she is coming to visit me in October. I loved perennial gardening as well.
We do have a lot in common. I live in Ontario, Canada.
I am experiencing the same things with online dating. I tell them I will not reply to winks, but I get about 5-8 winks per day, most coming from men without photos or even profiles, or from fat old geezers. I have specifically stated that if they are not toned and muscled i will not be interested, They need to match me in that. I say i want 5ft 10 to 6 ft 3 in, and I get 5 ft 8 applying. I put age 59 down to attract a better selection and then i tell them my real age of 69. i dated a man of 53 last night who knew I was 69 and was amazed at my appearance being just like my photos – looking 50. But we had talked earlier and he said with me it could not be long term relationship due to age, so companionship and sex was what he would go for if i would. I get lots of offers like that. I can go for the casual thing for awhile, but I would like long term, and it is hard to find young at heart men who last with me, since men in their 60′s are often unappealing and old looking and old acting. My husband wants me back, but I cannot find anything about him that is appealing, and he is so unsexy i cannot stand it. These younger men i date who are 15 + years younger have sex appeal and are fun, and might be good for me, but they mostly just ” like older women” and i know it is just for sex, not serious. I want it all – the body, looks, chemistry and the other qualities I want and need. I do not want to settle. If i settle, I can go back to my husband. ( still husband, since it is not legally done yet). All you women who date online, you are not alone. I figure just keep on doing it. It is going to happen one day.
Oh, anonymous! I have said what you are saying a milliion times! I know exactly what I want and will not settle.
I could go back t x (maybe, he has a 300 lb girlfriend), but I would be getting the same old abuser, sarcastic sob. Yes, these young guys, and “do you like younger men.” I have dresses older than you, twit.
I am a 65 year old college student and I still feel 18! I want chemistry, integrity, kindness, manners, looks, etc..
A man with cufflinks? Iwould be toast, LOL, LOL
I know, I know…..some of these men…look like they just rolled out of the gutter, with long beards, fat, disgusting and repulsive!
Onward snd upward gurlfriend!!
OMG! You are so funny – “dresses older than you twit!”
But i just love the way these young guys look – and their bodies! yikes! i have had several “rolls in the hay” with them and it is so great to experience that. But can we get that with the guys closer to our age?!
i guess i want everything! the looks and all the qualities i want! well, let’s keep trying. i will not give up! you, too!
Cool…..where do you live? I live in Michigan (exile), born and brought up in Maine; joined the army right out of high school; from a little town to San Francisco at the height of the Vietnam war, hippies, peace, etc…….I didn’t think I could go without sex for 8 minutes at a time and I have managed to do it (no sex) for 8 years. I may chew off my arm.
I am in arizona. i did not have sex for a long time. 5 yrs ago my husband and i tried it ( i thought i would give it a shot in some nice romantic place on vacation, but he went soft at the end, no intercourse! and no oral sex either. what a night! phooey! so about 3 yrs ago we tried it again, at home, and same thing happened! that was it! no more tries. i guess he is gettig impotent at age 76. if i cared, there are many things to do, but he really did not appeal to me. so i dropped it. ED can be faced and treated if one cares to. After i left him on june 25th this year, i signed up for match , showing age 59 instead of 69. the one i really went for was age 54 and i really like him, i did not tell him i was 69, for some odd reason inside of me….hmm…what a body and face!! yikes!! he modelled at one time. passion like crazy. Tonight i am seeing a man who is 53, knows i am 69, cannot believe it. He lives partly in az and in canada, so he is back and forth, i saw him two nights ago for drinks at a nice hotel after 10 at night, but had a female vaginal infection then, so could not do anything. i told him i had to work early morning… blah blah… but tonight i will be able to, and i will. Be safe if you do this, either they have the full STD panel or condoms . (or both). This is not something i want to do all the time, but what the heck, we need it! meantime i seek the right one. I would go for they young ones if they would be serious about me…. we have much to offer them. They will not have new babies to bring up, they will have experience, wisdom, lots of attributes, and since age 70 is the new 50, so when we are 80 we will be like 60! Think about it! allwe have to do is convince them and stay healthy and fit. keep the body very very nice. nothing like a man to make us slim and fit.
I have been on vacation for a while. When I returned and found the many replies to this post, I thought two things: 1) there are a lot of wonderful women who would like male companionship; 2) the online sites just don’t seem to be cut out for women of our generation.
I’d like to address the second point first. Please accept the caveat that I speak in generalities: I know some women have found soul mates online. However, most posters here haven’t. I speak to you.
From the various narratives above, it is fairly safe to assume that the men who join online sites in our age demographic are not the men we would like to meet. Why? Because the men we would like to meet are out doing things that we would like to do with them.
It’s not because good men who are available don’t exist; it’s because they have more interesting things to do than troll the internet dating sites. The men who are online, on the other hand, seem to have the time to do so and many of them lack the energy or interests we want in a companion anyway. That explains the beards, the motorcycles, the photos of dogs and grandchildren.
The men we want to meet, on the other hand, have not come home from their photography tour of Anatolia, for example, or are still snorkeling in Bora Bora, and are out there having the time of their lives.
Regarding my second point, that there are many wonderful women still available for good male companionship: the internet cannot be the sole search tool for finding someone you’d like to spend time with. There are many great suggestions in the previous posts: meet-ups, joining organizations, volunteer work (gads – they abound around politics right now), classes, bridge lessons, singles adventure travel, book signings, lectures, etc. Be brave and go alone. That’s when men approach you. And you already have something in common to talk about because you’re already attending the same event.
Since I wrote this original post, I actually met someone whom I like, whose company enchants me, and who is thoughtful, kind, industrious, and successful. He doesn’t sit around waiting to hear from me. He isn’t even in town half the time. That gives me time to tend to my very busy psychotherapy practice and my own life, and it gives me something to look forward to at week’s end. I’m not making any predictions, but I’m interested in getting to know him better, and to spending more time with him.
I’m sure you’re dying to know how we met, so I’ll tell you: online. I was one click away from shutting down my profile (yet again) when this man sent me a quick note. It was just when I was about to quit that he slipped in under the wire.
I will promise you this: if this doesn’t turn into a solid relationship, and I find myself in search of someone else, I will not go online to do so. The odds are stacked against us. I will go to bookstores and lectures and classes and…and who knows where else I will go?
The key word is “go!” The online sea is deceptive. It appears vast, but it is only a puddle. That’s not where women like us want to swim, is it?
i should mention one more thing. I am very; aggressive. i email lotsof men on Match. If i waited to be contacted by email from men, it would not be as much. Men hate to write. i push it hard. but i delete winks and those without photos or profiles. make your profile different from most. put them in the scene e.g Can you picture yourself together with me doing…. such and such…”
make their mouths water to do it.