I’m stepping outside of my usually serious psychotherapist role for a minute here, because there’s a situation, I guess you could call it, that I’d like to discuss that is beyond the scope of my professional practice.
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It’s called Online Dating.
The Risk
Don’t misunderstand. Many of my clients do it. I encourage it, in fact. However, I also know that the world of online dating is not unbridled paradise for everyone but me, because I have many facebook friends whose tales of their dates make me laugh right out loud. Then the Poodle gives me that sentient and pitying look of his, as if to say, You do realize you’re the only one here, right?
Well, wise Poodle, that’s the point. That’s why I’m even thinking about this online dating world. Not that you’re not excellent company, of course.
Every now and then, I decide to cast my net: first, I select about eight photos of me from the ones on my iPhone, all of which are current and all of which actually look like me. Then I spend an evening crafting a profile – not too detailed, not too flip; I mention my family, my interests, my work (without getting technical about it); I talk a little about what characteristics a man might have who would find me a good match. In other words, I do exactly what the sites advise people to do when they create their online profiles.
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I do this about every six months, because it doesn’t take me long to shut the whole thing down and go dark again.
I am not cynical. I am kind. I am compassionate, and even funny. I am not perfect and I don’t seek perfection in a mate. But let me tell you a little about the luck I’ve had this go around.
Since I posted this incarnation of my profile, which was toward the end of July, nearly 1000 men have viewed it. I have received many winks, which I disregard because I find them creepy, for one thing, and also because I don’t really know how to respond to them. Thanks for the wink? I’m not altogether sure I am grateful for some of the winks I get.
I’ve had several emails about getting together immediately that involve his offering his cell phone number and an offsite email address. I delete those immediately, because if a man is too cheap to pay to the meager joining fees for the site, he’s probably not a good match for me on other counts.
I have had my share of emails from men with cut-and-paste profiles about walking along the seashore in the sunset, which then end abruptly in broken English and vaguely comprehensible commands to date them immediately; the photo are usually glamour shots no doubt lifted directly from the internet.
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I’ve had emails from men who clearly did not read my profile at all. I know this because if they had read it, they would quickly learn I’m not likely to be anyone’s biker mama anytime soon, nor would I be a candidate for exploring the inside of someone’s camper/primary residence deep in the woods and off the grid. I know there are women well suited to these men. Why do they write to me instead?
After a series of promising emails, though, I made four lunch dates. Here’s the cast of characters:
1) the man who, between the salad and the entree, started ticking off the ways I could improve my life by simplifying it;
2) the man who was referred to as an elderly gentleman by the hostess when I asked if there was someone waiting for me;
3) the man who seemed to have the world by the tail and by our after-lunch cappuccinos was asking me about handguns, food storage, and my thoughts about the imminent demise of western civilization – and recommending books I could read to get myself up to speed on the topic.
4) the man with the comb-over who told me I could be really beautiful, after I lose a few pounds.
I know this works for some people, because over the years I’ve read all the posts from VN women who have found great love through online dating sites. I don’t really understand why it doesn’t work for me. All I know is that I can’t seem to crack the code, after several attempts to do so.
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I would love to hear about success stories and about what you did that I clearly can’t seem to grasp. I’m about ready to pull my profile again, even though I am aware that doing so is the best way to guarantee I won’t find a match. I need encouragement!
Signed,
Single in Seattle (if you don’t count the Poodle)
I have read all of the post to date and appreciate the good references. I have gone to the websites to read/listen and have ordered the books. I ordered hard copies so that others will have the same references. I look forward to the continuatio
I agree with many of you that online dating is tough for us 50+ women.Offline strategies have reaped better results for me. That said, how many of us really want that “soul mate” in bed next to us 24/7?? Some of you ladies talk about “finding that one for life”, “holding out for that special guy”, wondering if you will ever be married again… Are you sure you want that?
The “idea” of a husband or live in companion seems appealing in the abstract, and in subtle and not so subtle ways our culture tells us we gotta have a ring on our finger, but do we really want one?? Feeling atractive to the opposite sex, flirting, having great sex, enjoying stimulating, fun conversations and adventures with a great guy - Now those things I know I want at 63!! Be wonderful if that guy was around for a long time, but just not in my house hahah
I’ve had a few long live-in love relationships and recently left a 27 year marriage. No regrets, but do I want a repeat of that?? I may change my mind, but for now I’d much rather BE with a man than LIVE with one.
I just wish more guys in their 50′s and 60′s were attracted to us older women and didn’t require a wife or caretaker.
Chris & Dorrie:
You both just make my day! I totally agree with the both of you. After leaving a 30 year old marriage, I am taking each day at a time and learning to adjust to a life alone. I may be lonely but when I think of what I have been through in the last 30 years, I am in no hurry to rush back into the dating game and definitely not looking for the “soulmate” or that “special someone”. I am happy to have the whole bed to myself. I am happy to have my own space, my own rules. If I want to eat, I eat and if I do not feel like cooking, I don’t. I have 2 dogs for companionship and I have great friends to go out with if I feel the need.
I sure do not need a “needy” man in my life. I am so totally independant that I am sure I scare off a lot of men. My friends are telling me that I am too good and too young to remain single and I am sure they are trying to find me a good man. I find that amusing.
I too would rather BE with a man than to LIVE with one. I have high morals and I do not wish to be involved with married men ( have been hit on by 2 ). I am single and not desperate. I do not need a man to complete my life.
Wonderful post, Chris! I think it was the great Katherine Hepburn that said something along these lines: Men and Women should not live together but, rather, build houses next door to each other and “visit” on occasion…LOL I also think the British royalty got it right. Kings and Queens had their own suites and “visited on occasion”. I, too, have no need for a “needy” 50-60 year old man that is afraid of being alone.
dorrie, that is what i am dealing with now. he is 76 and terrified of being alone. ” what if i get sick and you are not here to help me?”
he is healthy, really he is.
i left him, a marriage of 51 years, from age 18. i cannot convince him to go online and/or look for companionship. he hounds me to come back. he says “what will YOU do if you get sick and you are alone???”
get the picture?
Change your phone number or block his number – don’t tell him what to do – he won’t do it -
thank you! i just picked up this reply today, did not realize it was there.
i am working on empowering myself! this has been a struggle for me. to get to where i am today is quite a feat, and i get stronger every week! since we are still legally tied, it is hard to block off fully, but as soon as i get the gumption for the legal part, it is over. he needs to realize he is responsible for his own happiness. no one can make him happy. he needs to stop being codependent on me, and fend for himself.
To Seawriter and Anonymous2
I have enjoyed reading these posts and the laughs I desperately needed today.
I am sort of in the same boat but that is another story for later.
Anyway, Anonymous2, yes you are close to the money.
This is my take, now remember I have two single sisters and they have single friends and we laugh ourselves silly about this stuff but there are some rules women need to incorporate.
Just think of this, if you were with a man you were comfortable with, a little bawdiness and smart assness would fit right in. Aggressive yes because men in their BRAINS yes both of them, really are not.
They say they want relationships, and they do but more than anything else, they want sex and to be desired. They want the same things we do.
The trick is finding it.
First off, you are doing the shopping, not them. You are not waiting to be found.
You set the ground rules and put it in the profile.
If you do not like comb overs- say so (yuk).
Tell the men who want to walk on the beach and who portray their christian values not to respond. Christian is something do and it shows, you do not have to go around telling people.
Take charge. Men love women who take charge.
Tell them you need chemistry. No chemistry, no deal. If you know it during the first meeting, tell them and don’t fret over there feelings you told them going in.
Tell them you have certain basic requirements. Be self supporting, no live in children, must like pets etc, that sort of thing, whatever you cannot tolerate, right up front.
Throw in a smart ass lady like insinuation about your other “talents.”
Tell them you require intelligence, etc, sentence structure, spelling, make it funny. Throw in some Mae West.
Do not do the email thing once you make the connection, get right on the phone, do not delay. You can tell alot about a person on the phone, the way they talk, what they think if funny. Sometimes that right there is a no but been nice talking to you.
Do not be afraid to say, sorry this is not working for me and you do not have to explain.
Get an extra prepaid cell for them to call you on, so you do not end up with them having your real phone number.
Tell them. Be up front but be aggressive and firm and tell them you have a lot of goodies to offer the right man that includes many delights.
My sisters spiffed up their friends profile and I mean to tell you, she was so excited about the replies we were happy for her. And yes, both of my sisters married older, wealthy men, who have now passed and left them much better off.
Think like a man. My ex boyfriend always said why women talk to other women about men I will never know, they need to talk to a man about men issues because women do not know any more about men than men know about women.
I have done it two or three times ( on my sisters dare) but I decided, I want the power the first time out, so in the phone conversation I said let’s meet at a certain restaurant and we did and I paid the bill and I decided when it was time for me to leave. Two I told I enjoyed the dinner and company but this was not a good fit for me and it ended well.
The third one I really kind of liked and he did ask me out the second meeting and I did like him and he liked me but I backed out because I had some drama going on in my life and did not want to inflict that on him. He said well give me a call when things are settled. So I did and by that time, he had found someone he was enjoying and I was happy for him
Just tweak the game plan a little.
Thank you! You have some good suggestions,
I must tell people that you can call on your cell phone using *67 and it blocks your number . But they cannot call you. So the prepaid cheapie phone is good to have.
I have very definite and aggressive things in my profile.
I just removed all the words like sexy and sensual because a dating counsellor, in her reply to a woman, told her she would attract the wrong men. Since I am not getting many emails, I removed it today. I get lots of winks( even though I said I do not reply to winks, because most idiots do not know how to put together an introductory email. I have a graduate degree and I do not want a 7th grader mind. I called the dating counsellor and she said I am not going to do as well online as locally, because to attract the type of young and fit man I want, I have to cut my age by 10 years. Then I have to tell them. But in person, one does not ask age up front – you just talk and go out and he gets to see who I am and how young I act and look, and when he finds out my age, it might not bother him. But I will stay online anyhow, while I get into activities in which I might meet someone. Meantime, I work on my empowerment . I am very independent and strong except for that .but it is coming along, just the fact that I live alone is amazing that I walked out.
Great advice from your dating counselor – most men on online dating sites want sex, not a relationship with a compatible woman. If you want more – like I do – it’s better to state it. It will screen out most of the junk – most I said -not all.
I cut my age by 10 years on my profile and when I met the first guy for coffee I kept having to do math in my head to make sure that everything I said was correct for a woman of 56. I look that age or younger. The coffee meeting went well and the man gave me plenty of compliments, but at the end described his physical ailments (shot 6 times in a random shooting; heart condition) and told me that I was a vibrant woman and needed someone younger than him. Choke! It didn’t feel like a brushoff, but….
Pam, let me know how it goes, cutting the age down by 10 years. I have also done that. I told men who wanted to meet me that i was older, and most did not care. One offered to meet me, but said no long term relationship possible due to 16 yr age difference. i met him for a drink, and i might go out with him for companionship ( with sex i know) meantime while i hunt for the real thing, because it is lonely meantime, and he is nice. but the wall will be up, because i must not fall for him.(hmm he might fall for me anyhow.. he was quite impressed at what i act and look like). i actually felt very relaxed with him, because he knew my real age, and he said he really appreciated my telling him right away, because he had been lied to before on this and felt he could not trust her again.
but re the man with whom i had a relationship with of 15 years younger than me – i never told him the truth–i could not do it with him, i wanted him so much, and wanted him to see ME—-and never had to tell him because we broke up before i could.i do not know how he would have reacted.
so please tell me how it is going with you and this age thing. i really want to know. i am 59 on profile.
btw, you never want any man with a cardiac or diabetes condition!
Ladies,
I have been tempted to lie about my age because like you I have convinced myself I look a good 10 years younger than I am. People have said I look great, I get lots of compliments on my skin from girl friends, I’m tall, thin and fit, probably get more attention from men than most 60+ woman… and yet, you know what, I’m still 60 plus. And I probably look a lot closer to 60+ than I think I do!
I look at photos online of women who say they look amazingly youthful and I just don’t agree. They look just fine, but closer to their real age than they are willing to acccept. Others would probably say the same thing about my photos.
Unless you have had major surgery on your face or have amazing genetics, you probably don’t look much younger than your years. You may feel 10 years younger though. That’s what counts!
To be honest, I think it’s a lot more youthful to not worry about your age, Accept the age you are but don’t let it rule you or limit you. Because online dating puts too much emphasis on age, instead rely more on in person meetings than online dating. Just my two cents!
Today it is very common to do something to our faces.
Juvaderm , sculptra, etc and so we do look younger than we really are. A multitude of choices for our faces and bodies if one has the money.
If dating online, and you do not want old geezers with pot bellies and old age sloped shoulders with saggy breasts, you have to lie to get better computer pickings. But it is more comfortable when they are told the truth earlier rather tha later.
One evening I was “dabbling” on a dating site. I for the life of me could not figure out what HWP meant? Means height weight porportionate.
I love to read the profiles of the men. They are in shape (the one’s that are) have certain requirement and are quite outspoken about it. My thought to myself is women out to be the same way with their profiles.
When I am bored and need a few laughs, I go to Craig’s List and click around to different states and cities and read the personal for men seeking women. I laugh sometimes till I have tears in my eyes. Quite entertaining.