I read VioletSky’s post this morning about being 60 and re-entering the world of dating after the demise of a long-term relationship. Immediately, I responded to let her know she is in good company on VN, and to assure her that there are many of us dabbling in dating now who never imagined we would be doing so at this age.
What I didn’t mention was the document I had been working on just before I logged on to VN this morning: My Partnership Manifesto.
My therapist planted the seed for such a thing months ago when she asked to see a list of the qualities I expect in a partner. At first i even balked at the word “expect.” I thought that was being a little demanding of someone I hadn’t even met yet, as if I were criticizing someone. I didn’t write the list.
I’m sure in her wisdom she noticed my recalcitrance, but she didn’t bring the subject up again, and I certainly didn’t, either. I was immensely uncomfortable with the whole idea.
What a dork.
What was I thinking? That I could just randomly encounter men of all stripes and that from this great unsorted batch, Superman would arise?
I don’t know exactly what came over me to see what I was doing, but this morning I awoke with a razor sharp focus: BLOODY MARY! and I don’t mean a drink.
I whipped myself into my fuzzy robe and tore out to the kitchen, made a pot of coffee, lit a fire in the fireplace (it was chilly in Seattle this morning), and stoked up my laptop at the kitchen table.
Before I started writing, I scanned the news in The Seattle Times and The New York Times. God only knows what perverse rash of masochism led me to the NYT weddings section, but there I was. I actually read one of the stories. In it, the bride described having created a Manifesto describing her perfect match. She said she read it daily and tweaked it as things occurred to her, so that her list was refined regularly. Lo and Behold, when she met her true love, she knew it immediately.
All of a sudden, it made sense. It was BLOODY MARY again! How are you going to attract and then recognize the man of your dreams if you don’t have a dream?
In fevered pitch, I began to write my own Manifesto. It flowed. I discovered that I really did already have a pretty clear notion of the man who would be a great match for me. All the parts were swirling around in my mind. They were pearls without a string, though. They’re not stringless anymore!
I took care (at my therapist’s advice when she first brought up this subject) to include such things as “physically and mentally healthy” and “available to make a commitment to a longterm relationship” and “as attracted to me as I am to him,” and most importantly, “not reliant upon drugs or alcohol.”
She was wise to suggest such specificity: she told me it’s often the most essential qualities that we leave out of these lists because they are such basic assumptions that they don’t rise to consciousness. She warned me that the universe has a way of bringing into being exactly what you articulate, and that you should leave off essentials at your own peril. So I wrote such things as, “is taller than I am,” and “is younger than I am or just a few years older.”
Past certain fundamentals, my Manifesto includes such things as financial security, loving father, well-educated, volunteer commitments, active engagement in the world around him…
I love my Manifesto! And I already feel more likely now to recognize the man it describes when I meet him.
I heartily recommend this process to any VN woman who is now dating, especially if you were going at it with the free-form approach I seemed to be using. Search and you likely find that you already have the pearls I discovered this morning, just as I did. Yours will be different, of course, and very personal.
It boils down to this: I am meticulous in every other area of my life. I take great care to make careful decisions and know what I’m doing before I leap. I have finally applied to my dating life the same fine-net criteria formation that I apply to everything else.
Surely the rewards will be great.
Right?
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I love that you wrote the Manifesto. I totally get what your therapist said. I get what your saying.
What I found shocking in my own case was THE man was right under my nose the whole time. I was so blinded by what I thought I wanted that I totally forgot what I needed. Thank G-d for that.
And what I got was a man who sat in front of me for 2 years, every Tuesday. Older than me. Wore a baseball cap. A Scottish Jew. Spoke with a huge brogue.
So far off my radar list and exactly what I needed. Solid as a rock, stable, loyal, reliable, highly regarded in his own private circle, highly sexual and the best 15 years I’ve ever had.
NanaCatherine, thank you for sharing your story. You clearly found a great match!
If you don’t mind my asking, where were you sitting for two years every Tuesday night?
At an AA meeting. I dated a lot in my late 30′s and early 40′s. I got so sick of it. I got to the point I’d rather stay home and read a good book than go out.
I’d sat through so many dinners and heard the same story over and over. Long story about them living in a basement apartment somewhere, while they supported wife/kids.
Eventually I wrote on my own list. NO KIDS under the age of 25.
And I learned to recognize the flashy car. A flashy car was a red flag. Either it was their treat to themselves because they lived in a basement apartment and supported wife/kids.
Or it was a middle aged ego thing. Or even worse was the Jag guys. Omg….we walked 10 blocks so they wouldn’t have to worry about parking too tight in a parking spot.
I always seemed to attract flashy guys. A multi millionaire, drop dead gorgeous good looking, stayed on his boat almost all summer, but went by boat to the market to buy day old bread. Couldn’t divorce his wife because he’d only have $10 million left. I hinted that I could probably manage on that but it didn’t work. RUN from these guys.
Then there was my best friend George. Who loved me for years and I didn’t know it. And I tried at one time to be “with him” because he treated me like a Queen, but honestly he BORED me to death. We’d go to the museum and he would be done in 10 minutes and wait outside for me. lol. Bless his heart. He even went out a bought a brand new condo “for me”, except that I hated it and didn’t like were it was, nor ask for it. He was meant to be my bestest friend, and always was until he died.
Then the AA guys. Lots of those. But on my husbands list I found out a long time later, was “Do not date anybody in AA under 10 years sober.” Good advice and he was patiently waiting for my 10 year medalion although I didn’t know it at th time. And watching. Kind of creepy sounding, but that’s apparently is how it was. And listening to me apparently, I sounded of sane mind to him, lol.
Then a few guys who I liked well enough, but had way more than me. Way more. And I knew I couldn’t ever be comfortable outside of an equitable partnership. Some women jump at these guys. CEO’s and bless them. I just couldn’t do it. Or live with it. I’m far too independant by nature.
Then the religious nuts. I divorced my first husband after 22 years because he became a raging Christian, lol. Still is. And still thinks I’m going to hell. But religous extremes I also watched for and avoided. I say extremes. I admire anyone who lives there beliefs.
I also dated a couple of social activists. Got caught up for a time. But that also became exhausting to be around. And their causes, not mine. I have my own.
Just musing and remembering.
NanaC — you did some full spectrum dating, didn’t you!!! The great thing is that you were able to keep your eye on your own wants and needs until you found someone who was right for you. You know yourself very well.
Hi Seawriter,
For years I dreamed about the guy I wanted to marry (I was married at the time! Lol) and after my divorce, and some serious suffering, I met him! The “imaging” actually worked!
We’ve been together almost thirteen years, now. I do think there is ‘something’ that brings your ‘thinking’ into reality. How we live our lives attracts a certain ‘energy’ and that energy takes form. Life is a mystery!
Great story, Evie! I agree with your thinking about energetic attractions.
It’s the Law of Attraction.
I applaud your optimism and drive in creating your Manifesto. Excuse me for sounding negative, but the chances of finding
a relationship for those of us in mid 50′s or past is so extraordinarily unlikely. Gorgeous talented women in their 40′s
are not even finding anyone, so those of us single for whatever reason in later age groups, with children long into
adulthood, never married, divorced, widowed or married and looking for relationships, too, are a highly populous nation!
I would welcome droves of lovely women in their 50′s, 60′s 70′s and beyond proving me wrong, but I think I am being
quite realistic.
Hey, I was in my fifties and married a guy nine years younger. It can and does happen!! He’s a looker, too and has a great job! True, he can be a ‘pill’ at times! Lol I say, never say never!
P.S. I was married for far too many years to the ‘wrong’ guy!
Yay, Evie! Your case shows exactly what can come into a woman’s life. Things only become impossible when we agree that they are. Who would ever do that? It would be the death of hope.
SavannahWishes, I realize you think you are being “quite reaiistic.” I just don’t see the reason to use the shroud of statistics to obscure the light of hope that shines in the eyes of most single women on this site.
If you read the many posts that precede mine on the subject of dating, you will see that the women here have their eyes wide open about the realities involved in dating at this stage of our lives. The fact is that the only way to make your prediction 100% true for an individual is if that individual stops trying to find a compatible partner. Otherwise you’re describing a statistical cloud that may or may not play out in any one person’s life.
So far, I haven’t heard from a single VN woman who is dating who is willing to slam the door shut on dating. Hope lives here.
I keep saying “Amen”, but amen to hope and possibilities!!
Many of the younger women are becoming “barbs” in the sides of men. Oddly enough, many of them DO want careers, positions, titles, in their lives. The pendulum has swung! They are playing the field, sleeping around, etc. (not ALL of them, of course). Anyway, some men are starting to want the nurturing wisdom of older women! My husband wanted that and married me with all of my ‘sags and bags’! Lol :]
I think being in ‘group work’ where you can really get to know someone, is where romance, deep affection/admiration, can grow! My present hubby and I met in a book club that I had started. We discussed various books, philosophies, etc. for a couple of years, or so.
When I got divorced, we seemed to come together, naturally, as friends. I never dreamed that our friendship would lead to anything other than friendship…age differences, (my weight) etc. When he asked me on an ‘honest to goodness ‘date’, I was stunned, happy and scared to death!!!
In time, we had an oceanside vacation and he proposed! Side story: At our hotel, a lady at the front desk said, and I quote: “It’s so nice to see a mom and son vacationing together!” I cried…no, I sobbed! He held me close, rocked me and even laughed, a little. He said, “I love you, for you! I don’t care about ‘looks’, besides, you’re beautiful to me!” (tears)
Time has passed (thirteen years) and I have gotten older, as promised! He, fortunately has ‘salt and pepper’ beard and hair making us more of a ‘matched set’. I don’t worry quite as much about all the young women he coaches (he’s trainer/coach). Our relationship is a good one, but relationships require ongoing work! Great growth comes from a ‘conscious’ relationship ( book…”Journey of the Heart” by John Wellwood) We work at it everyday!
Never, never, say never!!!
Evie, I just love you!
Well, my dear, it is mutual!
I really wanted to ‘drive home’ that if one really wants to begin anew, in a relationship, at ANY age, it is very possible…with the right circumstances! I will repeat getting to know one another, as friends, is so important! We older ladies do need that ‘edge’.
My mother in law met her second husband at 74 (in church)…a really handsome 76 year old! Then, when she was in a retirement home, in her eighties, she met a guy (Isadore) in his eighties, and they were sweethearts until they both passed away. He used to poke his fingers through her afghan! Lol !I’m not kidding…they were so cute together!
Love possibilities are all around us! There are tons of older men who just don’t know where to begin to meet ‘their lady’.
With this spring, and all the pollinating going on, hearts are yearning for love. It is the most natural thing in the world…for men and women of all ages!
I’m sending a hug across the miles!
Like you I also had a manifesto,finding myself alone again after the death of my husband of 30yrs.When it came to dating again I turned to the internet,with my manifesto there for everyone to read,I was contacted by a man who apparently ignored my manifesto infact never even read it,we talked for many months before we met,I fell head over heels in love with him,and we are now living together,he matched up to not one thing on my list,despite that we live happily together,so it just goes to show you can have any manifesto you want but at the end of the day it comes down to falling in love and if that doesn’t match your list you just learn to live with it.
stevie, it’s possible we’re talking about two different things when we say manifesto. Mine is private. I would never post it anywhere, especially on an internet dating site. It’s really more about character traits. Height, age — those things on mine are negotiable. But I wanted to bring into focus for myself the qualities in a person that bring out the best in me. It’s really a way of talking to myself, I guess, to remind myself of what is possible.
After my divorce, in my 30′s, I dated a fair amount. Nothing serious…I didn’t want that at the time. After about ten years, I started feeling ready to settle down again & the dating actually dried up. That was fine with me too. After another ten years, or so, I suddenly had three different men ask me out within a month. Then I started a new job. I developed a connection with a man who started the same day as I and we are still together five years later. I feel it was necessary for me to be on my own for a while, to become the person I was when I met him. He’s not physically the man I would have picked out of a lineup, but he treats me with the love and respect I deserve, and that’s what matters. As a tall woman, I’ve always been drawn to tall men. My ex is six feet tall. This man that I love so much is a mere 5’5 & I tower over him. Too bad!
Irish Rose, I agree. Love and respect tower over everything else (including height!). You are blessed.
Seawriter…you’ve got me going. The only problem is it’s 10:30 at night and I need to go to bed. It took all of five minutes to write my first 20 bullet points. Some highlights:
>Must be respectful of women/neighbors/strangers.
>able to take responsibility
>able to relenquish responsibility
>able to be somewhat self-depricating (able to take a joke)
>able to adapt – “I’ll go to the game with you if you’ll go to the ballet with me”
>able to accept fault when fault is his
Plus, I’ve pilfered some of your suggestions to make my own.
I think this may just be what I need to get me out of my funk. I was married for 25 years (together 30) with a man who was incredibly controlling and increasingly mean. I started up with him when I was 17. I really felt after my divorce that I could be a little bit wild since I had never “been with” another man my whole life.
It’s been eye opening for sure. Who’d have thought I could meet multiple bad seeds in such a short period of time. So now I’ve kind of gone underground for the past couple of years and not dated anyone. I’ve been on match & eharmony but just can’t bring myself to call that total stranger.
So I’m curious. How long is your list and how did you arrange it?…and is your list like mine in that each point is actually a complaint you had about your ex? :^)
Hi Jeano,
I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences dating.
My list includes such things as compassion, curiosity about the world around him, willingness to help others, active in the volunteeer community, open-mindedness…it isn’t a shopping list by any means, and it is like yours in that it highlights qualities I find attractive in another person, and in myself.
Actually, I no longer have any complaints about my ex, and I’m grateful to be able to say that.
Following my early widowhood were a series of disasterous relationships and marriages. I threw in towel on relationships. Seemed like they cost me nothing but money and grief. I had enough male friends for assorted entertainment, and that was it. Good enough. Then out of the blue water of my swimming pool, came my future husband. I declined his amor for at least 6-months of his persistence. We had a great time together. We easily talked and shared similar values. But he wasn’t my type.
I had an “ah ha” moment. “He wasn’t my type!”
My type, however, tended to include “must be a louse in some arena.”
We just celebrated our 22nd year of marriage. He’s still not my type, but the love of my life. He doesn’t dance, he hates mushrooms, and he’s patient with my quirky ways.
What makes our relationship work? Common goals of the heart and spirit.