I learned the definition of a new phrase recently: existential crisis, which according to Wikipedia is: “a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value; whether their parents, teachers, and loved ones truly act in their best interest; whether the values they have been taught have any merit; and whether their religious upbringing may or may not be founded in reality. The usage of the word “existential” in the term “existential crisis” does not refer to “existentialism,” but rather to “existence” as such. However, notable proponents of existentialism and related philosophical movements often do discuss the existential crisis.”
While such a definition sounds very complex, every so often we all hit a point when we start to question what we are doing and whether it is actually taking us where we want to go. I thought I’d re-evaluated my life pretty thoroughly a few years ago when I found myself newly single and in charge of my own life after 20 years of marriage. I took the opportunity to take care of long-deferred wishes like going to graduate school and changing careers, after which I assumed I was sorted out for the next decade – at least! Last week I hit one of those landmark moments that focuses your attention thoroughly on both the past and the future. I became exactly the age my mother was when she died.
Over the years I wondered how I would mark this moment when it came. In the past month I decided that it was going to be a joyous time, one where I would celebrate charting my own course from then on. What happened instead was a plunge into a deep reflection of my life; things I wished I hadn’t done, things I wished I had done, and the list of what I wanted to do from now on. It was quite a shock to my system as I hadn’t seen this coming.
As with so many times of deep reflection, patterns of behavior start to emerge, and it seemed important to spend time understanding why. The main theme that emerged was an ongoing pattern of allowing others to make my decisions for me, both big and small. In the process I did things I didn’t really want to do, and too often didn’t enjoying but felt I couldn’t quit without hurting the feelings of the person who chose that course for me. Oh my! As with any new awareness, once it has arrived, new examples emerge. I am still noticing how often I defer to other people’s wishes when instead of mine.
So now I am back from my time of reflection, and learning how to behave in line with my recognition. I understand that I am unlikely to ever feel really good about what I am doing unless I live in accord with who I am. As with stopping any bad habit, it is taking time and I have to stop and work out what I really want to achieve instead of calling someone to ask what I should do. It also means re-learning to trust my intuition and gut instincts so I feel good about the decisions I make.
It seems to me that midlife is all about re-evaluating and adjusting what you are doing, and am optimistic that it is all for the good. What events have brought you to a similar realization that you needed to substantially change the way you behave?
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
My eye-opener was a layoff a little more than a year ago. Because of the economy, it was clear I’d not find another job in my line of work (I was an editor) and needed to face up to the fact that I didn’t really want that kind of a job ever again anyway. It’s taken a year, but the reinvention of myself is finally starting to gel. And I’m determined to follow my gut and do what works for me, instead of doing what’s expected.
And yes, optimism is the key!
Nice post. Thank you for it.
Good for you – and your gut – and every good wish for work you love in your future!
Very good writing and quite timely for me. I was having breakfast with a friend yesterday. I have realized in the past few years and prided upon that I am a very decisive person. I see a situation and then I know exactly what needs to be done and rise to the occasion. I’m a quick decision maker and tend to do the right thing. But she countered yesterday that yes I do do that but then later analyze and wonder if it was the right thing….second guessing. This hit me like a cold glass of water thrown on my face. I tend to over analyze yes, but it’s AFTER the fact. This may sound simple but it really threw me. People often confide in me because I tend to be a black and white person. So I found out yesterday that yes I do have a gray area. I’ve been criticized for being too simplisitic at times.
For example, faith. My friend is very religious and brings up Scripture often. I question my faith all the time. She doesn’t question anything if it’s in the Bible. I can’t wrap my brain around most of it. When I was young I bought everything that I was told, from religion to ideas and values of my mom. When I realized I had my own mind and my own opinion and thoughts, I since have gone back and questioned everything I thought I knew. This has been a decades long process. Much of it has been enlightening, but it also has been confusing.
Not sure if I’ve gone off topic here. I suppose it’s about everything you thought you knew is a myth?
Thank you for sharing this, it is exactly the sort of experience I meant. Its just as you said, like a glass of cold water in the face, and is very unsettling – and yet when we can breath again, very encouraging – to realize that we still have new stuff to learn and old myths to expose.
I hope you are feeling OK again now you’ve found that you have the gray area in your thinking.