Vibrant Nation

In some ways her behavior wasn’t so odd; she grew up when personal behavior was a clear sign of your social class and background. Even when I grew up two generations later, if an adult saw a child misbehaving on the street they would tell them to behave themselves, then stand and wait until the child showed signs of changing their behavior before moving on. If they weren’t close enough to reprimand a child directly, then they would quickly call the parents about the misdeeds.

Since my mother was a teacher at a local elementary school I knew I was easily recognized, and that news of the smallest disagreement with my brothers on the walk home would quickly be relayed to my mother. By the time I got home my punishment would be ready and waiting, even if it was just to go and apologize for the crime I had reportedly committed. The underlying social rule was that anyone older was due respect and considerate behavior, which included not answering them back or trying to justify my actions when apologizing.

Even though I am now the age of the people I had to apologize to, old ideas die hard and I am still (largely) respectful of other people, especially those who are older than me. I admit that when I stub my toe or am extremely frustrated I may say things my mother wouldn’t approve of, but they are said well out of earshot of anyone concerned! At the bottom of my attitudes and behavior is the belief that I am (usually) treated as I treat others. If I wish to be treated with respect, then I must first be respectful of others.

This afternoon a contemporary was the recipient of a couple of angry, foul-mouthed emails full of self-righteous indignation from an unrelated young adult. I was startled to hear about this, and it made me wonder whether respect for others is still taught by parents, or if it has gone out of fashion? My contemporary chose to take the high road and not continue the exchange, but it was disturbing to realize that someone had raised their child to believe that this was an appropriate way to resolve a difference of opinion with someone older than them.

When my daughters, who are a similar age to the emailer, were growing up they were encouraged by teachers to let other people know if their behavior made them feel unhappy, and to use ‘I’ statements to ask others to stop doing things they didn’t like. As they got older we helped them learn how to modify these statements so they assisted in resolving the situation instead adding fuel to the fire. They learned to differentiate between intent and effect, and that the benefits of taking the high road were more enduring than the brief satisfaction of throwing out an angry and inflammatory response.

I’m clearly biased, but think my daughters have grown to become young women who know how to behave appropriately in different situations, and from feedback I’ve received are generally considered to be polite and well-mannered. They know that expression of anger has its place, but that angry emails need to stay in the ‘drafts’ folder overnight. They are respectful of both their contemporaries and older people, and this has got them into places that rude, immature behavior would never have landed them. Am I hopelessly old fashioned to expect that other parents will also have worked with their children as they grew up so they could become polite, appropriately behaved and respectful adults?

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