The science of human sexuality is young. For most of the last century, we assumed that men and women approach sex in roughly the same way.
I know: Crazy. But as I said, the science is young.
Older models (Masters & Johnson, Kaplan) theorized that sex for people happens in a few neat, linear stages, beginning with desire, proceeding next to arousal, then orgasm, and finally satisfaction.
But it doesn’t always work that way, particularly for women, and especially for women over 40.
More recent researchers who focus on women’s sexuality confirm that really, women do not experience sex in this simple, linear way. We sometimes skip phases. Our reasons to have sex are many and often complex.
We can be perfectly satisfied with sex that does not include orgasm, and we can reach orgasm without desire. We are flexible that way.
Enter Rosemary Basson, MB, FRCP, of the University of British Columbia. Basson formalized a new model of female sexuality that is now widely accepted.
She offers two key insights. First: Female sexual desire is generally more responsive than spontaneous. That is, we are more likely to respond to sexual stimuli — thoughts, sights, smells, and sounds — than we are to spark an interest in sex out of thin air (Men, on the other hand, specialize in this).
Another key insight: emotional intimacy matters to women. I know, that doesn’t sound like a news flash, but in the realm of the biological sciences, it’s news, trust me.
So Basson drew a new model — not a linear series of steps, but a circle that includes both sexual stimuli — the thoughts that trigger a woman to take an interest in sex, and emotional intimacy — the emotional payoffs of the experience that lead her to want to come back for more.
I love Basson’s model and use it every day in my practice to help my patients understand how sex really works for us. We need to understand that it’s okay and it’s normal that we don’t always start with desire. And as we enter menopause, and our hormone levels drop, spontaneous thoughts about sex, and responsiveness to opportunities for sex diminish for most of us. That’s natural and normal too.
If you don’t like the situation, and you want to feel more sexual, more responsive, Basson’s model gives us the hint: We need to stimulate our minds. The more sexual stimuli we receive, the more sexual we feel.
So, this is worth thinking about today, a worthy discussion to have with your partner: What makes you feel sexy? A juicy romance novel? A James Bond movie? Erotic art? Pretty underpinnings? A romantic dinner? Having your partner empty the dishwasher? Spend some time thinking about that. Maybe make a list. And then provide for these things. Sexy is as sexy does, friends.
And, hey, if you’d like to help a sister find some sexual motivation, respond below to share. What sights, sounds, scents, scenes help you get in the mood?
i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
This won’t help anyone. The sight of the man I am in love with, but is not available.
P.S. Isn’t this all just common sense stuff?
It sure seems like ‘common sense stuff’ but when you read and understand the science behind women’s sexual function, it is amazingly complex. And as a clinician, I find that aspect of further understanding intriguing and exciting as we continue to strive to help women achieve more satisfaction.
Since I have been focusing my gynecologic practice on women’s midlife health with a focus on sexual health, I have had women tell me ‘you saved my life’, maybe not literally, but figuratively I guess I have. At least I think I have saved relationships. It takes more than just common sense to do that.
P.S. Sorry……another P.S.
I would NEVER be okay without having an orgasm….for me that is the point!!
well my goodness. I’m having a rather negative reaction to this post too. Sorry.
it always amazs me that some person somewhere, somehow, discovers some new scientific realm never understood by the human race regarding female sexuality.
I also don’t think most men are willing or able to snuggle down and have a talk about sexuality. As ideal as that sounds to most of us.
)))))))
I would just like to say about Basson’s model ..common sense..If you have good thoughts about your love one in my case my hubby… when I spend time looking at the positive things I like about him, when I appreciate the little thing he does, when I look at him with gratitude of us still being together and have a history of love to recall,it makes me want to be with him intimately…We can think about sad times and cry and think about sexual times and become aroused … The ball (excuse the pone) is in his court .I have had a fulfill life with this one man only, and one thing that I find getting older is that it gives me a lift emotionally and starts the day better after a great night.
I guess I meant common sense…..in that……if we have a problem…..we find the answer, and if we know ourselves, we know what we need and ask for it. I wish I could explain it better.
In other, words unless we communicate, we cannot expect anything to change…
P.S. I just read about the “new” model? I think that is what we women already knew….