“A Vibrator? Me? At my age?!”
That’s a pretty common response when I recommend — actually prescribe — using a vibrator to the patients I see in my menopause practice. I live in a small city in the middle of the Midwest, where sex aids are of course in use — as they are everywhere and for millenia — but they are hard to find and almost never openly discussed, at least not among the generation hitting menopause right now.
But, yes, Virginia, a vibrator, for you, and especially now. Here’s why… As we approach menopause, our sex hormones are in a constant state of flux. Perhaps flooding our systems one minute, depleted the next. What they are, especially, is unreliable. They are just not reliably there when you need them to do their work in bringing you to arousal, helping to lubricate your vagina, to make sex possible, much less pleasurable.
Then, once we have fully reached menopause, our hormones are more predictable, but they’re in shorter supply. That might not bring any measurable sexual changes for one woman, but for another, it can feel like a door has been shut in her face. Her vaginal tissues may not respond to the same sexual stimulation that always worked in the past. That can leave some of us feeling as if we have just stopped functioning, sexually.
Of course, the whole point of this blog and our website is to share the news that it ain’t over until you say it’s over. The secret to keeping sex alive after menopause is MORE. Follow our recipe: More knowledge, more lubrication, more stimulation, more intimacy, more exercise.
What came without trying when we were young — reading the small print, responding to sexual stimuli — now requires assistive devices. Reading glasses… and a vibrator. (And moisturizers, maybe dilators, a sexy movie or two, a pillow?…)
But especially vibrators. And not just any vibrator, but a vibrator with more power and endurance than a young girl needs. Clitoral stimulation at our age needs to overcome the sluggish circulation in a clitoris that, if unused, will go dormant, pulling up into the body. Our vibrators need more power, over a longer period, to replace that circulation and encourage a clitoris to come out to play.
Read, “Her First Vibrator, part 2″
i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Thanks Dr. Barb for having this open discussion on vibrators, I agree with you, about MORE! I have been struggling with this, but after reading your articles I am going to try MORE often. I am living on my own as my husband died 4yrs ago, and I am not ready for a relationship, so the vibrator is safe. I didn’t know what to pick, as I am 68yrs old, so I asked the sales lady at a store, and she was very kind, and compassionate, and she showed me different kinds. Wow! there is so much to choose from. Now I need to start using the one I choose. Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge with us . Thanks!
Unfortunately a vibrator leaves me stone cold. I use a…well, let us call it a personal assistant….it looks like the real thing (rubber) and I heat it up and put a little oil on it. I have tried other vibrator type things (rabbit, etc)……does nothing.
I put it in a microwave once, and melted part of it (my friends cracked up). Still works.
I don’t have a sluggish circulation……feel just like I did when I was 20…I know it is genetic. I have multiple orgasms in 5 minutes.
I am in awe of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and jealous, too!)
must be genetic, I couldn’t do that when I was 20!
bless your heart,good for you!I too wish I had the same.
I’m the same way. Have been menopausal since I was 33 as the result of a hysterectomy. Today at 58 there has been no slowing down of my sexual appetite, no drying or inability to reach multiple orgasms. I know that’s not the experience of most menopausal women and I’m grateful.
Hi Alicia. Vibrators leave me wanting more and leaves me aching for a man’s touch. Could you tell me what a personal assistant is. I have enterered into an extramarital affair but would like to see what this coud do for me…..thanks
I call the (I hate this word), but will have to use it…..dildo…..my personal asssistant, because it sounds better……It is rubber and looks like the real thing (veins and all), and I use warm oil on it.
I always had to be on top to have an orgasm (took me atout 5 minuites) and always had multiples……and i lie on top of a pillow in the same postion, etc…….always works. Wish I had a partner……..being alone is excruciating.
Alicia, i had to laugh about the melting. The clitoris is outside of the vagina, hence get a back massager and just put it THERE.
I love my vibrator, yeah it can’t hold me and touch me but i don’t have to worry about diseases. Or making the wrong choice in a partner. I use a musxcle massager, lets just say its a jet engine compared to the vibrator setting on my cell phone which I can barely feel when the phone is in my pocket.
Wow! I am a little shock at this post…lol…Surprise because it is so open. Thanks for sharing this
3 words…Hitachi Magic Wand
Did I mention that I have orgasms in my sleep?
Did I mention that I am in awe of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and jealous, too!)
Namaste: you are so cute! Now, all I have to do is find a man (integrity, kindness, professional) and worthy of ME, so I can have “real” sex. Ikeep buying beautiful negligees, though.
Hugs
I collect beautiful negligees at salvation army 75 cents and beautiful old silk ones… they feel incredible…. hey namastee, why are you in awe, you’re the one “getting it”…LOL hope you still are!!!
Me, too! Love it when that happens…*wg*
I use to have them in my sleep when I was a young teenager. I was very close to my mother and I told her about it and she told me it was an orgasm. I didn’t even know what to call it at the time.
I went to the Hitachi because I kept breaking the battery operated vibes. I needed an industrial strength vibrator! Have had one for four years and will never go back! My first Hitachi died this summer, may the dear thing RIP and I just ordered my second one – with three attachments! Girlfriends – Hitachi Magic Wand is the ONLY way to go! I have orgasms with it until I literally can’t breathe! Who’s afraid of turning 60 this year? Not me!! *LOL*
Cool, I keep breaking my rabbits, will try one!! Thanks…www.adameve.com is a good website too!
what is the hitachi magic wand. What does it do, what is it made of , does it have strong vibrator power and does it get to the g-spot. i want something that really works. i have tried a few that were plain and did nothing for me. I need something that is really great but how do you find it?
Absolutely, Dr. Barb. I review vibrators with a senior perspective. Several of my reviews are here on Vibrant Nation; the rest are on my blog. It’s wonderful that companies are coming out with vibrators that curve over the clitoris and that have vibrations strong enough for women at our age.
Joan, Is this why I only have anywhere between 3-7 orgasms, versus years ago when I could orgasm for hours and would lose count after twenty.
If you’re having 3-7 orgasms, don’t even quesiton it! Some of us have trouble reaching one.
I could always get one, it is always a good one. multiple still baffles me.
i dont like the feeling of the vibrator… it feels too artificial and “too much” after a short time. I just use it as a dildo, which is just fine for me. anyone else find this?
We’re all different, so be happy that you found what works for you. Most of us need more clitoral stimulation than vaginal, so a dildo isn’t the key that unlocks our pleasure.
That’s why I like the rabbit. It does both!!
I totally agree, a vibrator is far too intense and just deadens the sensation. used as a dildo it’s ok but i much prefer a sensitive finger for a whole body orgasm. But I also need mental stimulation to really enjoy it.
It depends on my modd…I use mine as a dildo and then turn it on the peak of arousal. It’s fun experimenting.
I like the dildo type of stimulation also. it is much closer to the real thing.
I do not agree with this at all. What we really “need” (in my humble opinion!) is to train our bodies to go higher. It is possible!!!!!!! I am a living example!! Using a vibrator takes away from some amazing sensations. We all must get in touch with our bodies more and more and it is never too late to experience expanded orgasms using just our finger … or our minds!
That works for some but not all, for many women as they age they just need more intense, higher frequency stimulation that only a vibrator can provide. I had 58 yr old tell me recently that for her whole married life (starting about age 22) she could not achieve an orgasm no matter what was tried, until she discovered a vibrator a few yrs ago. Now they incorporate that and it has changed everything….for both of them. This woman is in the healthcare field (specifically women’s health) and had tried many approaches over the years. My point in exploring this with women is that each woman needs to explore and find what works best for them, and maybe that means incorporating a device. We at Middlesex.com have found a great selection to offer women.
Many women have told me the same thing, Barb.
Wendy, what works for you is great, but that’s YOU. We all have different needs, especially at our age when hormones are depleted, genital tissues are thinner, we lubricate less and the blood flow to the clitoris is sluggish. If a vibrator gets everything working nicely, let’s applaud, not try to fit everyone into a “we all must” mode, ok?
Joan, well said. Since women are all made a bit different and seek different levels of pleasure, it makes sense to find what works for you not feel like you have to compete.
What amazes me about this conversation is how this generation of menopausal women are so much more intune with their sexual needs. Our mothers would raise a few eyebrows!
Wendy,my guess is that you’re not over 55 yet. My finger would be worn to a numb. As for the mind over matter thats just not possible when your getting cramps in your toes from being on top too long. You see it takes a long time for the HIMS’ too after a certain age. Lets face it …getting old sexually sucks and requires a lot of enthusiasm that some of us just cant muster up. Personally I’m just very thankful that I had such a GREAT run and now can relish in the depth of my relationship beyond the physical. IMO there is far too much pressure put on aging people to act like their 25 and only speaks to the shallow society that we now live in.
That may not be the thing that works for you, but for some people, “manual stimulation” just doesn’t work so for them, this is a godsend! Whatever it takes my friend…
I haven’t hit the menopause yet and I do have quite a high sex drive compared to my partner, with whom I do not live with. I’ve had a ‘rabbit’ for years and have recommended it to my friends, who are eternally grateful. The electric toothbrush works even quicker. I can’t do multiple, but one big one is good enough for me.
There is a saying, ‘use it or lose it’, and I agree that we should have more sex, not less, just because our bodies are telling us different things. We need to make time for intimacy even if it doesn’t ‘feel’ right to us.
I also think that a healthy lifestyle with exercise can help keep things running smoothly. It does keep the blood circulating!
What a great topic. I am sure it will awaken many of us women to the fact that we ALL need sexuality in our lives….especially when we are menopausal. I can attest to the fact that ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’ I was 11 years without sex with my husband. Paps were so painful that finally my doctor had to send me to the gynecologist because my paps were irregular and she couldn’t get inside to get a swab. After doing a pproject on Stress for work, I discovered why I was so irritable and touchy and crying all the time..Most of all I was unhappy. I decided to have sex again but my husband wasn’t interested. I went to my naturopath, told my doctor that I was going to try again and both recommended vibrators.. I started out small with lots of gel and graduated slowly and yes it was very very painful. I also took vitamin E regularly and inserted it into my vagina 2 times a day….the healing began. After a year of coaxing, my husband still was not interested in having or helping me with sex so I have a boyfriend now . Let me tell you ladies this….I have never been happier in my life. The sex is fantastic and my confidence has been boosted so much that I feel like I am walking on air sometimes. I feel like a woman again…a desirable woman. My doctor can hardly believe the change in me and for the first time in 10 years, I had a regular physical with no pain. She told me I was glowing and said that it was the best thing that has happened to me. I agree. I used to have multiple orgasms with my first husband and now I not only have them back, but I am pleasing someone who can’t wait to be with me. Ah, yes, it is infidelity but I am willing and ready to accept any consequences. After all, I am a woman again. And I am now starting to decrease my anxiety meds….sleep better, look better and look forward to having a healthy sexual life. By the way, I will be 60 years old in December…..
OMG Ellybelle!! You are telling part of my story … I did not have any pain or those problems, but my husband and I did not have sex for 14 years. I reached out and reconnected with a long time friend (whose wife does not like to have relations with him) and our sex is fantastic!!! We see each other a few times a month and I finally feel like a woman again (as a matter of fact my phone ring is the song “I Feel Like A Woman”)!!! And through all of this, I have filed for divorce and am going to live the life I have always wanted … without strings attached and on my own!! It is so invigorating!!!
There are times that I do use a vibrator when we are not together. My vibrator is the CELEBRATOR (cost $50) and I love it!! It is runs on 2 AA batteries and is quiet. It looks just like an electric toothbrush … as a matter of fact, I keep it on my bathroom counter next to my toothbrush!! It has 2 speed settings and they are AMAZING. So, if you are looking for a powerful clitoral stimulator, this is it (I call it my CLITILATOR)!!
Good for you and thanks for responding,,,,I am not alone at least. I am going to pick up a celebrator….to celebrate next intimate encounter…take care
Good for you, ellybelle, if that’s the way to stay healthy, you go, girl!! Wish I could find and extra because my man is pretty much just a roommate these days. But I have my good vibrations to keep me happy – hehe!
Thanks for your support. I finally had to take it higher than ‘good vibrations’. It is the touch that I miss as well as the flirting, and endearments. Hugs
I understand completely. Good luck and stay happy!
Are there any silent vibrators out there that work? I’d love to try it, but I really don’t want to advertise the fact that I’m using a vibrator to everyone in the house.
The most high powered, low sound, not silent, but a lot less noisy then the Hitachi is the Eroscillator. It is also expensive, but well worth the $$$. The vibrators are not enough to keep your vagina healthy if you are post menopausal, you must insert a dildo to keep the lining stretched. Otherwise, if you haven’t had intercourse for a period of time and just used vibrators it is quite likely that it could be most painful, especially the first time you try.
I review sex aids/toys for older adults for Passional a sex shop and site located in Philadelphia. It is also where I have my clinical sexology practice, but also work with women via email and phone. I have noted many women have gone through life not knowing their bodies or what are considered typical changes as they age. So great to have this forum for those women interested in learning what the next post considered private. If we kept all this to ourselves we would never be sharing some important techniques for keeping sexually healthy. Another important feature of a healthy vagina; fewer bladder infections and less incontinence.
I do have a sense of privacy, that is why I respond on this site. It is a great place to speak our minds to women who are interested in knowing more about this subject. May I suggest to MM, don’t read this column if it offends you. Ewalsh40, if you find a high powered slent vibrator, do share the info. I will be the first to purchase. There are several almost silent ones that exist, but they are not strong enough for my body. Thanks all for sharing.
Thanks for sharing, and just a quick comment about the Eroscillator. It is the ONLY vibrator endorsed by Dr. Ruth (we do know who Dr. Ruth is – right )?
I love the Eroscillator, too, especially the “marshmallow” attachment. I raved about this marvelous pleasure tool in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty. Here’s a post about the Eroscillator from one of my readers about a woman who had her first orgasm in 6 years with the Eroscillator.
Yes, some are quite quiet — e.g. some from LELO and JimmyJane, for example. If a particular model is quiet, the ad will say so. The cheaper vibrators won’t be quiet.
I think the Lelo products are probably the quietest.
Thank you for you RX!! Everytime I visit the Veteran’s Administration for a check-up, because my husband is a 100% disabled service-related Vietnam Veteran, the nurses seems so open when they say “Do you still have sex?” And I reply that at my age I sure like a vibrator 2-3 times a week. They “suck air” and I nearly have to pick the nurse up off the floor! They continue to question me, to drill me (“Really?” “Are you kidding?”) like I was 93 years of age and not 63. At least you bring a breath of fresh air into my life. I no longer have to wonder if I need to audition for the next science-fiction movie.
I certainly don’t find my fellow ‘just hitting menopause’ girlfriends shy about talking about this! We’ve arranged ‘field trips’ to a local sex shop! We give each other cool vibrators as gifts – we talk about how much/how little/how dry/what helps all the time! And we look live every other mid-50 group of women! We thought everyone talked about this!
BTW, I love my vibrator, (would love it more if it were silent), but the orgasms I get from my own finger are stronger, longer, …. better.
Thank you so much for this frank discussion! While I am, like some others, a private person who doesn’t go into detail about my sex life, I truly appreciate the information from others who are willing to be open about it. I remember hitting puberty and feeling lost and unsure of what was happening with my body. Yet there’s much more information about that “life passage,” and many more people willing to discuss it openly, than there is about this one. To simply stop having sex, and to believe that is the “right and normal” thing to do, may be fine for some people, but not for me. While puberty may be the body’s way of signalling that a girl’s body is ready to bear children, that doesn’t mean she should do it! The same thing applies to menopause–just because our body no longer has the potential to procreate doesn’t mean we should stop enjoying ourselves!!!
This is a terrific article. I never thought about the changes to the clitoris after menopause. But for women of any age who experience painful sex, a vibrator can be a miracle! It can be used as an integral part of intimacy when you have a partner! Yes, it is not just a solitary replacement, but, if you let your partner use it on you, it can really enhance the experience together.
Get the all to a naughty shop (or internet shop) and purchase an Eroscillator! It gives one the MOST amazing orgasm ever! Batteries never run down because it plugs in. It’s designed for clitoral stimulation. And my husband is constantly amazed at the magic that happens when he uses it on me. We consider it to be the best $100 we ever spent.
Of course I meant get THEE all…….
Emotional Bliss makes 2 great models with great intensity and quiet too, they have recharging batteries. They warm so no cold surfaces and are made of great materials. The models are Femblossom and Womolia, check them out on MiddlesexMD.com.
Sex for Grownups: Dr. Dorree Reveasl the Truths, Lies and Must Tries for Great sex after 50, Chapter 9 called The Great JOy Ride: Something Fun for Everyone tells you not only why vibrators are good for your health,but also if you are in relationship, how it can help you keep your sex sizzling as well.Thanks for speaking up Barb.
I applaud this posting for its practical benefit but also because it acknowledges exactly the kind of discussion that women 50+ can have when they embrace life after 50 as a stage of human development not a sad second class part of life.
Each stage of human development that we experience in life is different, Within each we have different needs and values and attributes and each has a different energy which propels it. My definition of success in life is; capturing the unique energy of each stage and integrating that into our lives.This is just as true true in the 50+ life stage as in every other. So rather than sadly resigning to a change in sexuality 50+ lets acknowledge it as different, then explore it and find what it is and how we can make the most of it.
Gotta run now and dust off the Vibe Machine!
I’ve had a few vibrators but had trouble using them….all of it was just me being too uptight. I’m in a relationship and after sex I felt like I was not satisfied and my boyfriend noticed. He went out and bought a Hitachi Magic Wand and now when I need more stimulation he happily helps me get it.
Kudos to you and your partner … it took me 50 years to finally use external stimulation … I wish I had known about it years ago but better late than never!!! It’s wonderful that your boyfriend noticed and wants to help you “feel like a woman” … he’s a keeper!!!
just ordered one myself.I have had the battery ones in the past,but now that I know they still have the plug in ones,I am one happy camper!!
thank you so much for this open honest discussion.Us women rock!! At 62 and living in a small town,I dont have alot of women to talk withabout this.You all ,with your honest replies make me feel so comfortable. Now I need to go find me a good personal “friend”..lol
Well, I can relate to breaking my vibrators, alot. I had the waterproof Rabbit which I loved but took it into the pool one night, stuck the suction cup on the wall and went to town, only to have it break from the wall!!! It was pretty funny!! Also, one thing I LOVE that my fiance does is to suck on the clitorous! They have some toys that will do that for you as well if penetration is too painful, TRUST me, that is the way to go. Not only men can enjoy that!! If done correctly it is out of this world!! TRY IT LADIES!!!!
I guess I am lucky. I am a 60 year old widow and my husband was sick for a long time. Even when he was healthy, my libido was much stronger than his so we were not a sexually well-matched pair at the best of times. For over a year, I feel blessed to be in a committed relationship with a gentle, loving and passionate man who is a little younger than I am. Our intimate live is adventurous and very gratifying. If someone had tolf me in my 20′s that my sex life would be so intense at this stage of life, I would have thought they were crazy. I am far more relaxed and fulfilled than I have ever been in my life, and I very seldom resort to using sexuaal aids now. But without a doubt, using them saved my sanity for many a year. Far better than “drying up” as a woman and doing without. Kudos to you for opening such an important discussion in terms of women’s sexual health.
I guess I am lucky. I am a 60 year old widow and my husband was sick for a long time. Even when he was healthy, my libido was much stronger than his so we were not a sexually well-matched pair at the best of times. For over a year, I feel blessed to be in a committed relationship with a gentle, loving and passionate man who is a little younger than I am. Our active intimate life is adventurous and very gratifying. If someone had told me in my 20′s that my sex life would be so intense at this stage of life, I would have thought they were crazy. Many people, including my docote (and my 87 year old mother!) have renarked on the change inme – I am just “happier” and they don’t know why=:) I am far more relaxed and fulfilled than I have ever been in my life, and I very seldom resort to using sexual aids now. But without a doubt, using them saved my sanity for many a year. Far better than “drying up” as a woman and doing without. Women need to know these things, and educate themselves. Don’t be afraid and allow yourself to wither away because of needless inhibitions! Kudos to you for opening such an important discussion in terms of women’s sexual health.
Can I tell you…I love my vibrator (s). The silver bullet goes where I go and my aquasaki makes bathtime lots of fun…go to Undercover Wear.com and look for yourself. Lots of lubrication aids as well…love, love, love my vibrators.
Alicia, I too am in awe (and jealous) of you. I too can orgasm in my sleep (about the only time I do these days!).
I would gladly have more sex…if I were actually getting something out of it. (must be nice)
As for what to call these ‘assistive devices’..a friend of mine gave me the best “name” ever: BOB……
BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND
I’ll be checking out the Haitachi
;o)
Hi, Lili: LOL…….None of my business, but the “actually getting something out of it” comment…..are you with someone? Unfortunately BOB never worked for me. Leaves me cold.
I need something closer to the real thing and it is a starts with D………hate that word, sounds icky, LOL….it is rubber and looks like the real thing. I heat it up and use oil……..If I thought I would go the rest of my life without a partner, etc……..I’d take a dirt nap…..now!!
Sex was the ONLy good thing in my 31 year (abusive) marriage………
Lili,My Haitachi arrived 3 days ago,and I must say it is everything they say …I am a happy and “satisfied” customer..
ok. sp where do I get one?
http://www.adameve.com – they are discreet.
Well, well, well! I am going back to school starting next week, but I think I just learned more in this thread than I might in my first semester classes. Would be more fun also. I will have to check out some of these sites. Glad we have this site (VN) to discuss these issues and openly at that.
I have just had a hysterectomy and I am apprehensive about sex, using something like one of the mentioned vibrators with a lubricant might be the first step to easing my mind. I will have to shop later. Thanks ladies for doing “the research”.
I love vibrators but they are all SO noisy. Don’t they make any quiet ones???????
The Lelo products are very quiet. Check them out on my site @ http://www.MiddlesexMD.com
Great conversation. Just thought I would let you know what the ladies on “Sunset Daze” WE TV Cable call vibrators - “BOB” Battery operated Boyfriends. These ladies are from a couple of retirement communities in the Sun City West/Grand area outside of Phoenix, AZ. The show is about Seniors and they are anything but “Over the Hill”.
I think tis is one of the most interesting topics I have read in a while. Maybe because I have been stuck for 15 yrs in a sexless relationship. Crazy, Yes I was but now I am expermenting with various choices in my life. This topic and behaviors happen in all alternative lifestyles. The thought about is it the “right thing to do when we reach out to someone else has to be a choice you make for yourself. i have an extremely high sex drive and in the 15 years I waited for my partner to come around and have sex. that was the craziest thing I have ever done TO MYSELF. I was damaged emotionally, physically, mentalily, and sexually. I have now started to reach out to others and I enjoy that very much. I have met men who actually car if i am sexually satisified and happy.
The cyber sex or just talking yourself and another through a climax is wonderful if it is the right one for you. I have never heard more about sexual stimulation than I am hearing in the present time and i am 70 yrs old. I, like one of the other ladies, will take my chances of right and wrong . While wanting and needing to satisfy the my urges, desires and needs were not getting satisfied my health was deterioting. I have had several major illness and am still suffering from them but know I will come through this with the help of others like you women on this site. i believe we are put here on earth to be happy and if my sexual urges as well as the rest of my necessities are not being met then I am a very unhappy woman. I have met several nice men on some of the sites, ones that care that your sexual desires are met as well as theirs . i have definitely been educated by some of the nicer men on sites. some of them even discuss the history of how women have had more than one man to satisfy their needs and these men are not the jealous types. they have usually been widowers that tell about how it may take 2 or more men to satisfy their wives. I believe it takes what it takes to have a contented life and to each his own in what it may be. I realize on some of these sites you meet a lot of phonies and scammers but I have also met a lot of people who were genuine. Good luck to all of you and my you be as happy or happier than when you were younger.