I know for my whole life I have made assumptions as to what people were thinking when they looked at me. I’ve usually tried to take my Mom’s advice and “make the most of what I have” but some days when I tire of the work required, days when I’m only going to paint a bedroom and I probably won’t “see” anybody, I get lazy. On those days I can look like the homeless guy laying in the road beggin’ for whiskey money – and that’s been true at any age.
At every age, and with every iteration of my “look” I have assumed how people were perceiving me. Some days my imagined perception has made me feel good about myself. Days when I took special care to maximize my assets — and often on those days I receive compliments that reinforce my assumptions. Then there are the days when I hear the doorbell ring and run upstairs so that no one can see me when my husband answers the door — you know — those no make-up, hair like a rat tail, dumpy sweatshirt and baggy jean days — most of us have them.
I know I’ve never been one of those “perfection at all moments, make-up that stays on 24/7, pull your ski cap off and perfect ringlets of curl fall seductively around your face” type women. In fact I can’t even pretend I get them — seems like way too much work. And I can only thank god that I am not one of those — ok I’m 50 but most people think I’m only 28 and hot so I’ll dress really really seductively and wear way too much make-up and guys will be drooling all over me types. Eeeewwwww!!!
So here I am, your average woman. I look great on some days and like crap on others. And now I’m in my fifties which brings us to the whole point — did entering my 50′s give me an overlay of looking old that I carry with me always?
My honest and cerebral opinion is no. I look at 50 and 60 even 70+ women and think, my god she’s lovely. So classically chic. I’m not focused on age when I do that. I also look at 35 year old women and think — could you make an effort, honey? Honestly you’d feel better about yourself! Still not age-centric.
I know that being in my 50′s does not automatically place the emphasis on my being old. Why, one twenty-something guy in my office once commented on a statement I made about feeling old “I don’t see you as old, I see you as a really cool lady”. I could tell he really meant it.
So why do I persist in thinking that people see me as old first and foremost? When I know what they’re really seeing is what’s inside me – and that’s ageless. And they’re responding to that in a variety of awesome ways (OK sometimes the response is not optimal — but that is almost never impacted by age — usually by that fact that I’ve aggravated them in some way. Some things never change).
I guess the question I’m asking is: how does a 50-something woman get it out of her head that her age is a factor — more so than ever before in her life? I know its bullshit but sometimes I find myself thinking that way — and I never have before. I know other women feel the same based on comments I hear.
Why should age be front and center in our lives more than ever before — it shouldn’t! So work on getting it out of your head or you’ll torture yourself over nothing. But if you are that “I’m too lazy to make any effort so I’ll dress like a bag lady and I’ll just satisfy myself to feel like crap all the time” woman – try getting off your butt and putting a little work into it — you might like it! Is that a shallow way to think — maybe but that’s life! If you feel you look good you feel good! Simple math!
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Great post. I’m with you 100%. When I make an effort I feel good and look better for the confidence, just standing up straight and smiling makes a difference. My attitude makes the biggest difference. Today my fifth graders and I were talking about the difference between our generations, specifically their perception of mine. They see me and their grandmothers has being attractive and active. One of students said, “I think you have a lot of living left to do.” Recently, a couple of young teachers came to me to show me that they were wearing one of my signature scarves. They were pleased as punch and turned to another woman and said, ” We love her, we want to be just like her.” I frankly don’t get it. I’m just trying to get by, be the best me I can be. I say this to point out that I think that we need to give people more credit for see fabulous and we need to stop hiding who we our and get out there and shine, shine, shine.
I couldn’t agree with you more. And I’d love to see those scarves!
MOST PEOPLE, DONT WORRY ABOUT OTHERS.they are mature enough,to see some dress for fashion.
ME AND MANY, FOR COMFORT! AS DO OTHERS DISSABLED!Coping with pain etc.
Yes, I understand that coping with pain can help with the maturing process. I feel extremely fortunate that the pain I experience from my surgical scar tissue is not constant and/or chronic. I do have to dress primarily for comfort or the scar tissue becomes a more prominent factor – but if I’m very honest I have to admit that I dress for myself for what I see – but also for what others see. Maybe some day I’ll be free of that – but until that day I and many others like me will deal with this issue. And whether or not most people are mature enough not to worry about what others think – a whole lot do. I don’t live every moment wondering what others think of how I look – but it does enter into my sphere of influence. And I feel good when someone tells me I look good.
I to dress for myself first and then others. When you are 6 ft tall and weight a lot, people notice when you walk into a room. And because of my size, I make it a point to look well dressed. I hold up the big women who always get put down by women and males. And when I stand next to a size 10, I know I shine. Don’t pretend what is said about women of a certain size. However, personality, charm and concern for others have let me stand out to the good. Size 20-22 can not be hid! I take good care of myself. My teens years were hard and the twenties uncertain but the thirties were mine to own, been my own women, I like me. Never colored my hair, whatever good cream doesn’t do, I never had done. Laughter helps keep me young at heart! Been married twice, asked three times. Here’s to the ladies who have come to love themselves the way they are!…TRACK
And I can tell from what you say – it shows! The most important thing is to know that you’re formidable – and then you are! Some of us don’t know it and some of us forget it from time to time – and that’s when the reinforcements are needed. You’re a great example of how to feel great and look great!
IdHOPE, THEY ED SEE ONE HAPPY TO SOCIALISE,IF ONLY AWHILE.
Have diffacaulty getting out,much.
You’re right – of course. It’s all relative. And it IS more about the person underneath the make-up, hair and fashion. They are merely the window dressing that we choose. They say something about us – but they are not our core. My friends are my friends with or without their make-up – and I believe they feel the same way.
I am 54 (will be 55 in July). I am a mother of two grown children and step mother to three grown step children, and Grandmother to one grandson. I am also a pre-school teacher(30 years on and off).
The girls I work with and the parents can’t believe I am 54. I am always running and jumping and playing with the kids. I have to admit I sometimes do it to just show off because most of the other teachers sit and watch the kids. I have to keep up my image. LOL!
I have never worried about getting older. When I was in high school I remember girls being upset about turning 18,then they freaked because they were going to be 21,then 25 hit and they thought life was over and with every passing year they had some problem. Not me. Age is just a number. I am very comfortable with who I am and how I look (except for the extra pounds I have, I need to lose weight for health reasons).
I was widowed in 2002. I met the love of my life in 2003 and married him in 2004. He likes the natural look. I quit coloring my hair after we married and I am very happy with the results. I have always worn very little make up just enough to give some color. My hair is long and straight,which is great with me I have never been one to fuss with my hair. I wash my hair everyday. Comb it out let it dry and I am on my way. I take my make up off every night. I have used the same face cream since I was 18. I have changed some things as I get older. I now put on sunscreen. I don’t tan like I used to.
My mother will 77 this year and she is more active then some women in their 50s and 60s. She and my dad,who will be 85, still go dancing once or twice a month. My mom sews,does needlecraft and she loves her “find-a-word” puzzles. She cooks and bakes. She has a garden every year.
One thing is I am always me. I don’t try to be anyone else. I figure if you don’t like that’s your problem. I am who I am and I will always be me.
By the way my husband will be 56 and he has been told he looks anywhere from mid to late 40′s to early 50′s. When he tells them how old he is people are amazed. He’s like me age is just a number.
See Ladies: THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!! PegB knows how to do it right. She doesn’t try to “hide” her age with unnecessary plastic surgery to look like a space alien. Nor is she putting on tons of makeup to disguise herself. Because of this – she ages so well that no one really knows what’s ‘going on with her – and THAT’S THE WAY TO BE!!!
PegB – I LOVE YOUR SPIRIT!!! I am only a few years younger than you and you are an inspiration to me. You are showing ladies of all ages – GET OUT AND ENJOY LIFE – NO MATTER WHAT YOUR AGE!!! I LOVE IT!!!
I believe people see what we want them to see, even if it is at the subconscious level.
If we feel old, or act old, or think old … we will be seen as old, treated as old, categorized as old. Old is as old does. I even notice it myself – on those days when I let myself drift into “frump” mode, and I catch a glance of myself in the mirror, my aged look frightens me. But on those days when I am motivated enough to take care of the outside, I know I am taking care of the inside as well because I look so much younger, and then I act so much younger, and then I get treated as a much younger person and that feeling reaches deep down into my very soul and lights me up, a self-fulfilling circle.
We need to feed our physical and mental health goals – there are all manner of tools available to do that – and then we can feast on the life of the truly blessed, no matter our age …
Beautifully put! Maybe we need to centralize those tools and put them at everyone’s fingertips. I know on those “frump” mode days for me – I’m at a loss!
At 54. I’ve gone back to college. Being around the twenty-somethings has freed me to spike my hair (okay I don’t scare anybody really) and take fashion chances. I don’t want to be frumpy on campus! Nice post I want to follow…
Why is it we have to work so hard to be considered”looking Good” Dye our hair, straighten it, wear makeup, boob jobs, tummy tucks, waxing, and shaving everything, cram your feet in shoes that hurt arthritic feet. Men don’t work this hard to be considered “Looking Good.” Could it be that other women are the ones judging other women, and if you aren’t obessing about your looks you are an old bag lady. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t dye my hair, I don’t dress in every fashion that some usually ugly designer tells me to. I want to be me. I wear a uniform to work, when I get home I wear jeans and a t shirt. If I dress up I wear hose, and let my beautiful grey curls flow to my shoulders….another no no, in the fifty plus world, we all are supposed to have Q tip hair cause long hair makes you look , OMG OLD. Well ladies, I am old, and proud I made it this far, and if you don’t like what you see to bad. I think we need to Be the Elders we are, and beautiful au natural, not putting all those chemicals everywhere. Just my two cents worth mind ya. Feel free do disagree.
No, I couldn’t agree more. You are one of the fortunate ones. You have the self confidence to let yourself be. I envy you. I myself am only part way there – I haven’t had cosmetic surgery, sometimes I don’t wear make-up to the store (but I look around and hope I don’t meet anyone I know), I dress up for work and “going-out” but I sometimes wear old baggy sweats around the house. I definitely don’t wear make-up when I ski – but I can feel self-conscious about it at times. Too much of my life is lived in the “if I don’t look my best I’ll feel self-conscious” mode – and I wish none of it were. But just telling me not to think that way isn’t going to get me there. I’m not a Barbie doll – nor am I an all natural goddess – I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. If you can figure out how to get me – and thousands (or millions) of other women – to the point of total comfort with what god gave us – you’ll be a multi-millionaire! And then – if you want – you can give it all away to worthy charities!